Wankers of the Week: Keep your Hobby out of my Lobby!

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how about the great corporate overreach that is Hobby Lobby? They actually went to court for the right to control women’s vaginas lately. A spectacular laughing-out-of-court is bound to follow. And considering that they sell a lot of cheapo goods from China, that land of forced birth control, the hypocrisy is palpable; it reeks off them like the fumes from model-airplane glue. And here are others who reek of that and…well, so much more:

1. Paul Fucking Elam. Well, looks like someone got himself into a world of hurt…by standing behind a poster campaign in Halifax that mentions his website. Have fun answering to criminal charges and a civil suit, Paulie, because you are headed that way! PS: Oh myyyy. Creepy scary eyes are NOT a good look. But they ARE awfully revealing. As is the hideous stance Paulie has taken against a female victim of male violence at my old university. Yeah, that’ll really help put the Greatest Human Rights Movement In The History of Fucking EVAR on the map.

2. Jian Fucking Ghomeshi. Rape culture is not a “debate”, much less one that can be “won”. It’s a sad and ever-present fact of life for women…including those like your guest, Heather MacDonald, much as she may be at pains to deny it and even blame other women for what happens to them.

3. Yulia Fucking Tymoshenko. Kill all the Russkies! Nuke ’em into radioactive glass! sez the queen of the Ukrainian oligarchy. She forgets which country still has the nukes, I see. PS: And she denies she said it, but not really. Also, she’s a natural blonde — she swears. Ha, ha.

4. Peter Fucking MacKay. It’s not the justice system we Canadians lack faith in, Petey…it’s YOU. You’re in a hole, and you just won’t stop digging. How can we have faith in THAT?

5. John Fucking Koletas. What would Jesus do? Hand out guns in church. Murrika, fuck yeah!

6. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Why no, Rummy, you don’t sound a bit racist. Why do you ask? Also, your face is indistinguishable from a baboon’s ass. Same thing comes out of both, after all…

7. John Fucking Benefiel. Aaaand he wanks again this week…claiming that the Texas floods are his fault because he prayed too hard over Oklahoma. Unless that flood was accompanied by a heavy fall of bovine feces, I highly doubt it.

8. Pat Fucking Robertson. Never mind that Patwa (and indeed, everybody on Earth) never lived in Biblical times. He swears he remembers the good ol’ days when gays got stoned to death! And he blames a nonexistent entity for gay rights, too. Yup, that cuckoo clock broke on thirteen, all right.

9. Steve Fucking Drain. Dagnabbit, I knew Fred Fucking Phelps’s death was too good to be true. Seems he just got reincarnated as — you guessed it — Florida Man. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck FUCK.

10. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. No, you know what’s unnatural? YOU, for living this long. Truth is, women have always done “men’s work”, we’ve just never been recognized or adequately paid for it because we don’t have a dongle between our legs. And anyway, why are you out there making money off stupid right-wing propaganda? Don’t you know that’s a man’s job? Ha, ha.

11. Franklin Fucking Graham. “Loving the sinner” is the worst euphemism ever. How about we just call it HATING OTHER PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON, which is in fact what it is?

12. Laurie Fucking Hawn. Why?

That’s why. As the old joke goes: How can you tell a SupposiTory is lying? His lips are moving. Button your lips, Laurie, and sit down. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

13. Louie Fucking Gohmert. I have no idea what he’s trying to say, but it sure smells like theocratic hog-shite to me. Louie, take a hard seat too. And quit flappin’ yer gums.

14. Al Fucking Melvin. I knew that Arizona was covered in bat guano, but I had no idea it ran so deep. Or that it was covered in actual swastikas, too!

15. Dan Fucking Snyder. Oh, quit assing around, and change the name of your fucking football team, already.

16. Jason Fucking Wisneski. And when did you stop torturing cats, Mr. W.? Honestly, referring to an accidental death as a murder just to deflect attention from your own psychopathy is lower than a snake’s ass in a pothole. PS: What have we here? He’s not a natural blond? And he’s a douchebag who didn’t realize that Zoolander was satire? Sure looks that way. Ha, ha.

17. Willie Fucking Robertson. I don’t give a dead ratzilla’s ass what the Bible says about where gays are going. You’re washed up, and all the fake redneckery can’t save your show from the shit-can of obscurity anymore. Buh-bye!

18. Leopoldo Fucking López. What fucking idiot at the NYT okayed an op-ed from this fascist jailbird? I guess, since the paper has a long-standing reputation for giving a platform to all sorts of unsavory foreign so-called leaders as long as they toe Washington’s line, it’s hardly going to stop now, but couldn’t they at the very bare minimum FACT-CHECK those fuckers? Jesus. It’s an embarrassment for an entity that still, with zero sense of irony, refers to itself as a Paper of Record.

19. Simon Fucking Cox. Somebody here is certainly a “moody, disrespectful brat”, but it’s not the kid who killed himself. It’s YOU. PS: And learn to keep your homonyms apart. It’s disgraceful when a teacher, of all people, substitutes “your” for “you’re”.

20. Frank Fucking Turek. What does the Declaration of Independence have to do with Genesis? Absolutely nothing. And no, Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t come back from the dead to force theocracy down every schoolkid’s throat. In fact, he’s famous for purging the bullshit from his own Bible!

21. Lou Ann Fucking Zelenik. No, you know who’s doing “inciting work”? YOU are…for opposing other people’s freedom of religion. Go home and pray to whatever sky-pixie you like, and leave the Muslims of Murfreesboro in peace, already! PS: So, you don’t want to be on al-Jazeera? Fine, now you get to be on al-Jazeera. Ha, ha.

22. Rick Fucking Snyder. So, when do gay people get to “suspend” straight folks’ marriages? Oh…they don’t? And granting them same-sex marriage rights doesn’t make that happen? Well, then…what the fuck is Michigan’s problem, anyway? Oh, I see…YOU ARE.

23. Ted Fucking Nugent. Well, you’re half right, Ted…racism is responsible for people hating your music. YOUR racism, that is. But Saul Alinsky? He was dead for three years before your first crappy record came out. And then there’s the salient fact that you just plain fucking suck, okay?

24. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. And speaking of racism, Gerry…who’s “ethnic” again? Oh right, YOU are. But I doubt very much that your right-wing politics make you a better person than the average “ethnic” American who votes for the Democrats. Or their “ethnic” representatives, whom you peg as “crooked”, apparently for no other reason than white-makes-right.

25. Michael Gerard Fucking Stavris II. Usually, when a cop poses as an underage girl on line, it’s to CATCH perverts. This one, on the other hand, was BEING one…and trying to get naked pix of underage boys. File this under Shit You Just Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried.

26. Robert Fucking Harris. Funny how the devil never seems to take possession of the minds of total unbelievers…only those who believe in him, and try to align themselves in opposition. Has it never occurred to you people that whenever you meet the “devil”, it’s actually just YOU?

27. Kevin Fucking Williamson. When you try to debunk the debunkers, you shouldn’t be surprised when they turn right around and debunk YOU. Ha, ha.

28. Bill Fucking Cassidy. Some people are too “unsophisticated” for good health care, you say? I quite agree…and you, sir, are a prime case in point. Good thing for you that rampant stupidity isn’t a lethal disease. Ha, ha.

29. Bryan Fucking Fischer. “God designed women to be secretaries”? That’s funny, because 6,000 years ago, there was no such thing as secretarial work. But hey! Don’t let a little thing like consistency stand in the way of your shitty argument…after all, you didn’t let facts get in the way, either!

30. María Corina Fucking Machado. How the hell does one get “accidentally” appointed as a foreign country’s ambassador to the OAS? Oh right…one doesn’t. But full marks for chutzpah in accusing Diosdado Cabello of violating the Venezuelan constitution, MariCori. As I recall, this isn’t your first time doing that very thing yourself. Always be deflecting, always be projecting, and when it comes to patriotism…always be DEFECTING, eh? PS: Oh, this is fucking pathetic. Just GO, already, you fucking vendepatria troll.

31. Bristol Fucking Palin. Oh, so “pro-life” people are so wonderful and righteous? Guess you’ve never heard the vile abuse they spew at women going in to terminate wanted-but-not-viable pregnancies. If you’re going to talk about violence, how about devoting a few words to THIS? Oh wait…it doesn’t fit your religiously simplistic and downright hypocritical worldview, does it?

32. Stan Fucking Syring. Yeah, $25 is kind of bargain-basementy for a boat trailer worth hundreds. So he threw in an offer of “oral or anal sex” in exchange to sweeten the deal. Too bad that it was all just a wee bit too rich for the police’s blood.

33. Edward Fucking Farrell. Pro tip: The Onion is a satire site. But thanks for showing the whole world just what a dumb fucking homophobe you are, anyhow.

34. Robert James Fucking Talbot, Jr. Pro tip: Using social media to recruit a handful of hatemongers is always a bad idea. Especially if your plan is to “restore America Pre-Constitutionally” and do so by “bloodshed”.

35. Christopher Paul Fucking Neil. Would it surprise you terribly to learn that Swirlface the Pervert is a child sex abuser at home in BC, as well as in Thailand? No? Oh good. Because he is, yessirree…

36. Dottie Fucking Sandusky. Yup, she’s still banging that “it’s all the victims’ fault, and anyway, it didn’t happen” drum. Now with more “all these kids are obsessed with sex”, too!

37. Hans Fucking Loudermilk. Does this creep not have grandchildren? Because groping and making lewd remarks to a 15-year-old and telling her that she could marry him in Utah is just plain…ick. PS to Utah: Please fix your child-marriage laws NOW.

38. Johnathan Fucking Davis. Once more, with feeling: Gay is not a disease. You can’t catch it. You can’t cure it. You shouldn’t even TRY! Also, what is up with all those gross metaphors? Ugh.

39. Joe Fucking Budden. No, anti-Sikh “jokes” are not more funny, or less offensive, if a black rapper makes them. As others have pointed out, confusing Sikhs with Muslims after 9-11 has gotten innocent people killed. BTW, anti-Muslim “jokes” aren’t funny, either.

40. Alison Fucking Redford. While the allegedly richest province sinks deeper and deeper into conservatism-created debt, guess who built herself a penthouse on the public purse? Yup, THIS gal…the suddenly ex-premier. And she did it on top of a government building, too. Full marks for chutzpah, but still…a real dipshit move.

And finally, to all the Nice Guys™ who have been harassing this woman since one of their ass-barnacles beat her up in Kingston. Thanks for proving exactly why we need feminism, guys. It’s been nearly a quarter-century since I graduated from Queen’s, where I volunteered at the Women’s Centre, and I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit. And YOU shits.

Good night, and get fucked!