Wankers of the Week: The Battle of Ukraine

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, isn’t this a party? Only a week after the Olympics, and the Yanks have decided that now is a good time to poke the Russian bear over Ukraine. Somebody’s forgetting the size of the claws on that motherfucker. Not to mention the long reach of those big paws. It’s like nobody’s learned a goddamn thing since the Cuban Missile Crisis. Well, maybe that wasn’t a close enough call for them. They just won’t be happy until the whole Crimean Peninsula blows up in their faces. Looks like it just might. While we wait for THAT shitstorm to hit the fan, here are some other shitheads to keep us entertained…in no particular order, as always:

1. Pat Fucking Buchanan. As a matter of fact, repealing civil-rights laws WOULD result in a return to Jim Crow, with a vengeance. One has only to look at the uneven application of “Stand Your Ground” in Florida to know that only white people can use that as a defence…and that even a blind drunkard can get his guns back. Anyway, isn’t it time Puke-Cannon went to meet his Maker…Cthulhu?

2. Chris Fucking Mapp. So, it’s normal to call Mexican and other Central American immigrants “wetbacks”, is it? Well, where I come from, it’s okay to call idiots and racists what they are. And in his case, the words “teabag”, “asshat” and “dumbfuck” also apply.

3. Jim Fucking Nielsen. So, men are often “surprised” when their wives leave them? Well, throwing up more hoops for divorcing women to jump through won’t change a thing about that. How about teaching men not to be assholes? That would lower the divorce rate considerably. Or, if it doesn’t do that, well…at least the assholes getting dumped won’t have to wonder why.

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4. Beau Fucking Broussard. Just how dumb and gullible are those right-wing white bubbas in the South? They’d vote for you if you bribed them with beans…and they refuse to vote for blacks because, to quote this one, “They got their place, I got my place. That’s the way I was raised.” The South shall rise again!…in a pig’s neoconfederate ass.

5. Brad Fucking Butt. If anyone would know about vote fraud, it’s the SupposiTories. After all, they stole enough ridings in the last election to make sure that they don’t want anyone who’d vote against them and their disenfranchising policies to vote in the next one!

6. Steve Fucking Martin. So, women are just incubators for fetuses? Well, I always did suspect that’s what fetal personhood was really all about. It’s the complete depersonalization of the woman, stupid!

7. John Fucking McCain. What was he doing over there in Ukraine? Shaking hands with fascist putschists, natch. Next stop: Venezuela!

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8. Rob Fucking Ford. Robbo gets asked a question he doesn’t like — by Daniel Dale, whom he also doesn’t like? Robbo threatens to take his ball and go home. Next time, Robbo, try holding your breath…that’s what all the other toddlers do! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Careful how you bluster, Robbo, someone might just call your bluff!

9. Robin Fucking Thicke. So, finally Paula Patton wisely dumps his sorry ass. Guess he crossed too many “Blurred Lines”, eh? I hope she takes his douchey convict suit to the cleaners while the money from that awful song is still rolling in.

10. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Never mind the “gay panic” testimonies of the killers themselves…Rusty seriously believes that the murder of Matthew Shepard wasn’t an anti-gay hate crime! Next up: Sky green, water dry, and fish live in the desert sand.

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11. Perez Fucking Hilton. Black women are like WHO? Um, no. Dude. Do NOT go there.

12. Matt Fucking Barber. Feminism means “rape me”? Um, NO. Only in your overheated wingnut imagination, dude.

13. Paul Fucking Cameron. Of course HE’s “open” to the idea of a death penalty for gays. After all, it won’t affect HIM. And he’s not human anyway.

14. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Legally mandated non-discrimination is “fascism”? Um, NO. It’s actually the polar opposite of. But hey! Isn’t it nice to know that even with a better haircut and no more fucking bowtie, the Superannuated Fratboy is just as dumb and obnoxious as ever?

15. Dick Fucking Cheney. Why?

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That’s why. Yup, same old warmongerin’ Big Dick. Nice to see that despite extensive surgery, he still has no heart.

16. Paula Fucking Deen. Being that racist hypocrite trying to make a comeback is like being “that black football player who recently came out”? Um, no. HELL no. Just NO.

17. Geoffrey Fucking Pyatt. How does a Jewish ambassador get to be a supporter of Ukrainian neo-Nazis? Is this some new brand of diplomacy that I wasn’t aware of till now?

18. John Fucking Baird. So, he’s just excluded all parties but his own from that junket to Ukraine? I would say I’m terribly shocked, but then I remember that this is actually going to be a meeting of kindred spirits. You know, of the fascist antidemocratic kind, and all.

19. Michelle Fucking Bachman. What — her, fade into peaceful irrelevance, where she belongs? Not a chance! Nope, Marcus’s Beard wants us all to tolerate intolerance, and save her marriage by making sure he never comes out of mothballs and leaves her for some dude. Don’t worry, Mish, the gay guys don’t want him anyway!

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20. Doug Fucking Ford. Go ahead, Dougie, launch that complaint. Maybe you and Robbo will get to share a cell yet. At this rate, you both deserve to. Tweedledum and Tweedledee should never be separated, after all!

21. Robert Fucking Jeffress. And moar “tolerate mah intolerance”! Yeah, I’ll tolerate your genocidal, eliminationist tendencies, Jeffy-poo…IN A PIG’S ASS.

22. Judson Fucking Phillips. And even MOAR “tolerate mah intolerance” from the head of Tea Bag Nation. Would you like a slice of penis cake with that, sir? Don’t worry, I’ll cut it from the part right below the balls.

23. Vitaly Fucking Klitschko. Guess who’s been trying to turn Ukraine into a fascist Balkan? Yup. THIS guy. And Anonymous has the goods on him.

24. Curtis Fucking Lepore. Why?

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He’s been accused of rape and assault on his former girlfriend, and now he’s looking to clear his not-so-good name by trolling for teenage girls to “willingly have sex” with him. NB: He’s over 20. Dude, you’re barely Internet-famous. Do you want to be real-life infamous?

25. Jacek Fucking Protasiewicz. It’s important to remember that being drunk doesn’t turn you into someone else, it just brings out the part of you that you’ve kept hidden and repressed. So, that being said, what are we to make of this guy, who yelled “Heil Hitler” at a customs agent in Frankfurt Airport while drunk, and started asking people if they’d ever been to Auschwitz?

26. Lawrence Fucking Lockman. What kind of proto-teabag “patriot” sees sexual assault as a harmless outlet for “sexual freedom”? THIS guy. Also, he hates abortion and teh queers, and has some amusingly outdated notions about how AIDS gets spread. Most of all, though, he hates the IRS. I mean, who doesn’t, right? But he sure does love cosplaying as Dracula. That’s gotta count for something, even if in his case, “something” is Teh Stoopid.

27. Bill Fucking Donohue. Poor widdle oppwessed religious people — they can’t bash gays with impunity anymore. Whatever is the world coming to? I don’t know, but it sure makes me happy to see HIS butt in a world of hurt.

28. John Fucking Derbyshire. Well, in case there was every any doubt, Pervyshire has finally decided to wear his swastikas and jackboots out in public, along with every other unsavory impulse he’s had a hard time keeping under his cloak. He’s even recommending that his fellow neofascists study a certain hideous “pickup artist” site, run by one James Fucking Wiedmann, whose dating advice would be laughable if it didn’t result in real-life harm to actual women. If Pervyshire thinks that all that’s needed to turn ladies into good little Nazi bootlickerettes is some “alpha male seduction strategies”, he’s in for one helluva shock. That kind of tactic is likelier to turn its targets into radical feminists over the long haul.

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29. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. Maybe he should change his last name to Brazen, because not only is he working at a seedy strip joint, he’s also inviting Robbo (and all the other crapped-out politicos) to come and take advantage of the — and I quote, verbatim: “Buffet is free, would cost taxpayers nothing, free, rien, nada! GR8food! Simple math!” Yeah, dude, I’m sure they would come to a place called “Barefax Gentlemen’s Club” for the fucking food. Didn’t Robbo say he got enough to eat at home, anyway?

30. Mike Fucking Karpele. Didn’t I so often say that Bitcoin is Shitcoin? Well, now the Shitcoin has hit the fan. Mt. Gox, the ludicrously named speculators’ exchange for the worst currency concept ever, has been raided and is under bankruptcy protection. The funniest part is watching all those anti-government libertarians scrambling to the evil, evil regulators in a futile effort to recoup their (largely unearned) money. It’s like no one ever learned a thing from the Wall St. crash of ’29…and in this case, they made a collective, concerted effort to unlearn everything. Well, libertarians, there’s your grand economic philosophy…shot to death by its own invisible hand. Ha, ha.

31. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Awwwww. Duzzums haz a mad? Hey, if people call you Hitler, it’s a distinct case of “If the shoe fits…diddums.”

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32. Ann Fucking Coulter. She speaks of people on pot with some degree of authority. I’m guessing that dates back to her days as a Deadhead. Although I honestly can’t fathom why the Grateful Dead would put up with a hanger-on of such obnoxious ilk.

33. Alex Fucking Jones. I already demolished Bowtie Boy (see #14, above), but if you ever want to double your displeasure and double your dumb, just put him in the same room with this tinfoil haberdasher. Jesus H. Christ, what a fuckpile of Teh Stoopid.

34. Christopher Fucking McFadden. What the hell kind of judge lets a man off for raping a woman with Down Syndrome? And just because she wasn’t acting “right” for a victim, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean, doesn’t mean he deserves to get let off. Sign the petition, folks, and pass it on, because this kind of stupidity shouldn’t even be graduated from law school, never mind occupying a judge’s bench.

35. John Fucking Boehner. Well, well. Looks like the Weeper of the House finally has something real to cry big oily orange tears about. Memo to the media: It’s all right if you start pronouncing his name “Boner” now, everybody else does anyway!

36. Josh Fucking Miller. Why?

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That’s why. Because apparently, it’s not laziness or drug abuse when right-wing assholes do it.

And finally, to this bunch of fucking wankers at the University of Ottawa. Not only did they think that raping an elected student leader was some kind of a joke, they are actually suing her for making their bro-on-bro banter public. Sorry, dudes, but chat logs are NOT private. Anything you say on the Internets can and will be used against you. Good luck with your lawsuit…and by “good luck”, I mean FUCK YOU. Up the ass, of course, since you seem to like it that way.

Good night, and get fucked!

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