Wankers of the Week: Easter Bummers

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Easter to all, and may the bunny poop out only the best chocolate eggs for you, whether you believe in anything or not. And if he doesn’t, well, just be thankful he didn’t leave you any real poop, like this weirdo in Ypsilanti keeps doing on kiddie playgrounds. Meanwhile, here’s who else is full of it this week…and by “it”, I don’t mean yummy Easter treats:

1 and 2. Peter Fucking LaBarbera and Bill Fucking Whatcott. Bad bromance of the year? Looks like it. Making a public nuisance of yourself and getting arrested on a university campus? Textbook example of how NOT to make friends and influence people. Kick the one out, and lock the other up; problem solved!

3. Linda Fucking Harvey. If staying in the closet makes a gay person straight, then staying barefoot and pregnant should turn a woman into a man. Honestly, this idiotess is simply out of ideas by now. “Fake it till you make it” is as old as the hills, and has never worked for anyone.

4. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Once again, the question must be asked: Why is this horrid old bat still alive? And why is she out there preaching a return to the 1950s? Maybe all she needs is a pay cut, so she remarries and goes home and shuts the fuck up.

5. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yeah, I can well believe the Catholic church has “less of a problem” with sexual abuse than any other. After all, it’s been going on for so very long, it’s clear that the hierarchy thinks it’s no problem at all!

6. Kimberley Fucking Davis. If you “just don’t care” that you ran down a cyclist while you were texting behind the wheel, you’re an idiot. Frankly, you should be jailed incommunicado for that.

7. Nahshon Fucking Shelton. Dude. You carry an expensive gun in an expensive bag, and then you get wigged out over a 22-cent tax on your bottle of pop? You have a fucked-up sense of priorities. Take a hard seat!

8. Kathleen Fucking Parker. Sure it’s crazy to talk about racism in Alabama. That’s because it still exists there, to an inane degree, and not-talking-about-it is the best way to keep perpetuating the problem. And only a complete lunatic would like to see that problem solved, right?

9. Dan Fucking Clevenger. How does one “kind of agree” with an antisemitic white supremacist murderer, unless one is also a Kluker? If you’re going to make statements like that, you might just want to elaborate. And voters might just want never to elect you again, which I suspect is the real problem.

10. Kayvon Fucking Edson. Looks like a promising career in conceptual performance art has just been cut short by a really, REALLY stupid dickweed move. Kind of a shame, really.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. Why?

That’s why. Dressing up as a sheikh: Not just for skeevy Halloween trick-or-treaters anymore!

12. David Fucking Choe. No, shithead, face-raping a masseuse is NOT “art”. And neither is making up lame stories about it, lying that “she said yes with her eyes”. Whichever way you slice it, you’re nothing but a fucking douchebag. And there is no “art” to that.

13. Rob Fucking Illig. Dude, you’ve got yours. Your head is above water. You are, in fact, better paid than many. Now shut up about “white man’s guilt” and don’t say another word, lest you find your own ass out on the street, looking for work with all the other screwed law grads who have massive student debt to pay off, and no means of paying it. You might just find, in fact, that the job you coulda-woulda-shoulda had, the cushy one where you’d be pulling down the cool millions instead of suffering for the poor sods who studied under you, doesn’t actually exist anymore.

14. Edward Fucking Cocaine. Yes, really — that’s his name, and that’s what he’s been busted for. No, just kidding — it was Xanax. Florida Man just never disappoints, eh?

15. Chrystal Fucking Hassell. Meanwhile, Florida Woman doesn’t disappoint, either. And hey! A preemie delivery, on crack, in a motel room. With a bitten-off umbilical cord, no less! How much more Florida can it get? Short of gnawing the baby’s face off, I guess not much.

16. Mary Fucking Fallin. Who’s the poverty pimp? SHE is. Because she doesn’t ever want the minimum wage anywhere to catch up to the cost of living. Next up: Slavery will save capitalism!

17. Cliven Fucking Bundy. So, he was there first, was he? Funny, but the Shoshone people have something very different to say about that. And the “militias” that oh-so-bravely stood up to “protect” his “grazing rights” on land that was never really his? Racist as a Nazi’s asshole. Quel surprise!

18. Richard Fucking Blumenthal. Bud, that big yellow line is there on the train platform for a reason. The reason is that if you don’t stay behind it, you could end up in a world of hurt when a train roars by. But hey! At least you didn’t get kicked in the head by a conductor while taking a selfie, so there’s hope for you yet.

19. James Fucking Mitchell. Just because something’s not technically illegal “at the time” doesn’t mean it’s not immoral, a human rights violation, and massively fucked up. And just because you’re defending it doesn’t mean it’s fucking defensible. But what am I saying: You’re the guy who designed that shit, and waterboarded one of the most infamous al-Q terrorists, so I guess that makes it all okay! Um, no. It totally fucking doesn’t. And you’re just as bad as what you’re claiming to fight. Read your Nietzsche, fuckhead.

20. Valeria Fucking Lukyanova. Yes, dear, we really believe that you’re makeup-free in that selfie. I see lipstick, foundation and winged eyeshadow. But hey! For a “human Barbie”, I guess that’s about as makeup-free as one can realistically expect someone to be, eh?

And finally, to the antisemitic assholes who planted those phony leaflets in Donetsk. Smooth move, you guys. You just took a leaf out of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. That’s the czarist crapaganda tract that was used to justify pogroms, in case you forget. How ironic that it turns out not to be the work of a pro-Russian faction, but the same bunch of Nazis that commandeered Kiev, causing Crimea and the Donbass to distance themselves. I don’t think this is gonna further your cause any better, you guys. Ukraine is falling apart at the seams, and fascism is why.

Good night, and get fucked!