Wankers of the Week: Jim Flaherty Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, well…looks like Jimbo’s checked out. Very convenient for him; now he’ll never have to answer for all the shit (literal, in the case of Walkerton) he put this country through. The rest of us are still grieving for his legacy, and not in a good way. Personally, I won’t miss Harpo’s garden gnome (and Mike Fucking Harris’s hatchetman) one bit. And here are some more people I’d never shed a tear for if they died today:

1. Michael Fucking Hayden. If Dianne Feinstein were David, would Mikey say HE was “too emotional” in making public and denouncing the CIA’s detestable use of torture? I’m gonna go with “No, Because Men’s Emotions are A-Okay” for $1000, Alex.

2. Liz Fucking Cheney. Shorter: What fucking torture? And why are you picking on my old man? Benghazi, Benghazi, BENGHAZI!!!

3. Tag Fucking Greason. New GOP motto: When cornered by the people your policies hurt, project like mad and run away. Make THEM the problem so nobody notices the man behind the curtain.

4. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Riddle me this: If women who party and go on spring break are “human garbage whose parents don’t love them”, what are guys like him for having sex with those women? (And, for that matter…what are his sons?)

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5. Roger Fucking Beard. If you’re so worried that kids will ask questions of a transgender teacher, maybe you’re the one who needs an education. Preferably one that will ensure that you grow up as something other than a fucking bigot.

6. Chris Fucking McDaniel. So, you “ain’t paying taxes” because you don’t want descendants of slaves getting reparations? Well, I got news for you, bubba: You ain’t no Henry David Thoreau, either. Pay up and shut up, you racist turd. PS: You’re also a sexist turd. Gee, what a surprise!

7. Alvin Fucking Holmes. And speaking of racist turds: Surprise! White families in Alabama HAVE adopted black children. Your argument is hereby invalid. Ha, ha.

8. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. You can plead not guilty, but who’ll believe you? Dude, you’ve been on everything but the Titanic. Give it a rest, already!

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9. Vance Fucking McAllister. Where to start with this one? Oh, why not at the very beginning, where he’s caught snogging a woman who is definitely not his poor, long-suffering wife on a security video. Then on to the sanctimonious “apology”, the firing of the mistress, and now, the FBI investigation of Who Leaked That Incriminating Tape. Oh yeah, and there’s a Duck Dynasty dick in there someplace, too! This one’s just a barrel of wanks, folks.

10. David Fucking Cameron. Jesus did not invent society; it existed long before that particular fiction did. And no, you most certainly are NOT doing God’s work…unless it’s God who’s killing all those sick and disabled people by forcing them onto workfare with the help of a corporation getting paid by the head. And no, Christians are not being “persecuted”…unless, by “persecuted”, you mean being held to account for 20-odd centuries of sanctimonious jackassery.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. Fuck you, Robbo…streetcars are part of what makes Toronto unique and livable, and relatively gridlock-free. Don’t tell me you like choking on exhaust fumes or fighting over parking slots, you short-sighted moron. PS: Oh look, a clown show. As though Robbo wasn’t a one-man circus already.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum is tweedle-dumb, and Tweedledee is awfully thin of skin. And humorless when the joke’s on him.

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13. Mike Fucking Fair. No, one does not become lesbian by recruitment. It’s not exactly something someone can just decide to be. Unlike, say, being a dumbfuck like you, which IS a choice.

14. Robert H. Fucking Richards IV. Bad enough that he didn’t do jail time for raping his own very young daughter; it looks like he hasn’t even done the court-ordered sex-offender treatment he was supposed to, as a condition of not going to jail. What will he do? Educated guess is that he’ll go right on offending and never give a rat’s ass.

15. Carl Fucking Urquhart. Have more babies, teenage girls! Yes, he really did say that. Or something close enough. And he thinks it’s going to balance the New Brunswick provincial budget HOW? Oh yeah, and guess what: The local Morgentaler Clinic is closing, and as it is, you can’t get an abortion on the provincial health plan unless two doctors agree that it’s medically necessary. Otherwise, you have to fork out in the neighborhood of $800, depending on how far along you are. What fucking decade is this, again? PS: Sign, sign, SIGN!

16. James O’Fucking Keefe. Well, well. Looks like our pimply little propaganda pimp has been laughed out of court. Pity this joker has a lot of big money behind him, so he’ll only fall up. They all do…they all do.

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17. Bobby Fucking Jindal. And speaking of laughed out of court, looks like Piyush has also gotten some of that. Too bad…so sad. Ha, ha.

18. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Surprise! There are actual places in this world where anti-gay and anti-woman crapaganda gets no platform. Canada is one of them. And it’s not about to change any time soon.

19. Clint Fucking Carpentier. Or whatever this moron’s real name is. If you think giving birth is a “zero skill” thing, maybe you should try squeezing a watermelon out your dickhole. Can’t do that? Well, then, get down on your knees right now and abjectly beg forgiveness from the unskilled woman who gave birth to your sorry, idiotic ass. Because of her lack of skill, you’re here in the world today, spouting misogynous stupidities from the safety of your Internet connection with zero accountability. Thing is, though, I don’t blame your mother for that, Clint…I blame YOU. PS: Better beg forgiveness of your poor long-suffering wife, too. You called her a jizzum thief, you shameless wanker.

20. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Can somebody please kindly explain to me why this bag-o-dicks is still on the air anywhere? Because his noxious capitalism really stinks the joint up, y’know?

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And finally, to all the crapitalist CEOs out there panicking at the very mention of things like taxes, higher wages, etc. Yes, by all means, pee your pants. The economy as you’ve constructed it is unsustainable, and you know it. And one of these days, sooner rather than later, it’s gonna come crashing right down on your grizzly little heads. And you know what I’ll be doing then? Pouring a jerry can of gasoline over all that, and lighting it on fire. And expressly forbidding anyone to piss on you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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