Wankers of the Week: The Winter That Will Not Die

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, you thought winter was over here in the Great (Still All Too White) North? Ha, ha — April Fool! Old Man Winter just called. Sez he ain’t dead yet, and has no intention of dying anytime soon. Yup, we’re officially screwed. But hey! It could be worse. We could be like these people:

1 and 2. Mike Fucking Fair and Kevin Fucking Bryant. So, making the Columbian Wooly Mammoth the state fossil of South Carolina would be un-Christian because it contradicts Genesis? Well, then, how about legislating based on other works of fiction, too…like, say, Mary Poppins?

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. So, Biff is finally being sued for defamation and slander? Well, good. The only surprising thing is that this didn’t happen sooner. And that it hasn’t happened more often.

4. Ginni Fucking Thomas. So, arch-theocrats like herself consider it “tyranny” when non-theocrats are elected to power? This is disturbing indeed, but the projection of their own tyrannical motives onto the democrats? Purest wankitude.

5. Bob Fucking Beauprez. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Wingnuttia rises again…with moar Birtherism! Doesn’t this shit ever get old for you guys?

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6. Marco Fucking Rubio. If you’re going to call for sanctions against Venezuela, shouldn’t you do it with, I dunno, REAL INFORMATION? This is fucking pathetic, even by the already rock-bottom standards of the Miami Mafia.

7. Jonathan Fucking Stock. If you’re an adult, it should go without saying that you should know better than to go jumping at ten-foot rocks in parks. Rocks are hard, and you can get hurt on them. Hell, even little kids are capable of absorbing that lesson.

8. Dimitri Fucking Soudas. So long, farewell, auf Wiederseh’n, adieu…and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you, you meddlesome punk.

9. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Never apologize, never explain, and above all, NEVER euphemize…especially not if you’ve just said Fuck. Didn’t your old man teach you anything after the “Fuddle Duddle” débâcle?

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10. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. So, finally Roosh V admits that he’s a clown, and nothing but a clown. If only it would lead to further epiphanies, preferably of the life-changing kind, there might be hope for him yet. As it is, he’s a seventh-rate circus act who scares little children. All that’s missing is the John Wayne Gacy paint.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. As sure as night follows day and week follows week, Robbo will show ass. And sure enough he does it…to Nelson Mandela’s dead body. You gotta admit it took talent for him to be the sole vote on Toronto city council against naming a street for the late anti-apartheid leader!

12. Scott Fucking Lively. So, he wants to jail all the gays who refuse to go “ex”? I have a better idea: How about jailing HIM for crimes against humanity? He’s definitely guilty, especially in Africa.

13. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Finally, at long last, the rats are leaving the Hipster Fundie Preacher’s ship. All megachurches deserve to go down like this…

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14. Jake Fucking Rush. Some would argue that his being a creepy, role-playing sex vampire is harmless. And I would agree, if that were in fact the role-playing. But it’s not. That’s who he really is. It’s the guy in the ordinary suit and tie who’s the fake persona. How do I know? That gross rape fantasy is a dead giveaway.

15. Glenn Fucking Spencer. Racism: Not just for fun anymore. Nope, now you too can be a hatemonger for profit! Fascism is big bidness, y’all!

16. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Finally, Rummy has been caught in a lie. Too bad this didn’t happen when he was in office, so it could have brought down a fraudulent so-called government…sigh.

17. Jan Fucking Jurden. The rich aren’t like the rest of us. After all, millionaire DuPont heirs who rape their own daughters are such delicate flowers that you can’t possibly send them to jail, even if they’re huge like Robert H. Fucking Richards IV. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

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18 and 19. Colin and Andrea Fucking Chisholm. Speaking of “not like the rest of us”, how about these two? If the Little People committed welfare fraud like they did, the jails would all be empty!

20. Rémi Fucking Gaillard. And here we all thought the French were so much more sophisticated than les maudits yankees. Mais non! They are just as lowbrow! Mon dieu, que c’est insupportable. Pro tip: Pretending to have sex in public with unsuspecting women is the tiredest schtick ever. And setting it to a raunchy country song about “the rebel within” is just pathetic. If you must make videos like that, use Yakety Sax. At least then, people will be laughing at SOMETHING.

21. Sarah Fucking Palin. Now that Pooty-Poot’s divorce is finally final, guess who’s playing the flute for him (wink, wink) in the hopes that he can hear it from his dacha.

22. James Fucking Franco. Honestly, I don’t understand why he’s even famous. And somehow, I’m not surprised that he’s a Creepy Older Man. What’s hilarious is that he blamed his own horndoggery on the girl’s parents, instead of facing up to his own responsibility…after all, her parents didn’t come on to him for her, nor did she do so herself. So…not only a fameball, but a slimeball as well.

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23. Richard Fucking Kopf. I wasn’t aware that part of a judge’s duties included judging women lawyers based on their appearances. Or that his inability to maintain control of his own penis makes the target of his attentions a “dumb slut”. Sign the petition if you haven’t already, folks.

24. Charles Fucking Koch. Awww, poor widdle rich boy. All that ill-gotten money can’t buy you love…or a thicker skin? Diddums!

25. Chad Fucking Curtis. The only thing worse than a grown man who sexually molests girls is one who self-righteously blames the victims. And who has the chutzpah to say they should feel guilty and ashamed — in fundamentalist religious terms, no less. If this guy were any more of a projector, you’d find him working at the Cineplex Odeon.

26. Braulio Fucking Valenzuela-Villanueva. A sex offender, so offended by two lesbians kissing, that he sets their trailer home on fire? I’m sorry, that irony just made me chuckle. The unfunny part is that he tried to kill them AND their eight children. If he really wanted to go back to jail, shouldn’t he just have knocked over a liquor store, or something?

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27. Glenn Fucking Grothman. How best to counter the well-founded evidence that there is a right-wing war against women? Simple: Allege that the left is doing the same to Teh Menz! Genius! But how will it play in Peoria?

28. George W. Fucking Bush. So, Dubya thinks he’s an artist just because he’s mastered the basics of fingerpainting? And that Pooty-Poot should be excited to see his likeness executed in what looks an awful lot like poo? Um, Dubya…you will never be as good as Hugo Chávez, no matter how hard you try. And no matter how fucking drunk you get.

29. Mark Fucking Manuel. Sovereign Shittizens unite! You have nothing to lose but your hard-earned cash…and who better to lose it to than this double- and triple-talking scamster?

30. Steve Fucking Paikin. If you ever wondered why sexism gets me so hoppy, just get a load of his. Women are supposed to have children and be their primary caregivers…and then he excludes them from his show if the kids get sick. Women are supposed to look good…but they can’t beg off if the maintenance of said looks cuts into his show’s schedule. Just who do we have to blow to get taken seriously by the fucking media? Forget it, I’m NOT interested. Fuck this noise, and fuck the noisemakers who make it.

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And finally, to the suits and shits of Washington, DC. You can stop sulking about Crimea, guys…it’s been Russian for centuries, it is an autonomous republic, and its people voted democratically to rejoin Russia. Are you just mad because you failed to “export democracy” there? That it somehow happened without you? Too fucking bad. And really, NASA? How the hell are you gonna get to the International Space Station if you refuse to put your astronauts on a Soyuz spacecraft? What are you going to accomplish by not working with the Russians? How ironic that the Space Race is being lost by the old Cold War mentality that started it all in the first place. But then again, the Russians always were ahead of you there, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

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