Wankers of the Week: All gone to shit

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Oh gawd, what a week it’s been. Not only is misogyny having a moment, so are misanthropy and malaise. It’s enough to give one the cramps, which is exactly what it did to me. If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been hiding for the last couple of days, I got two words for you: THE BATHROOM. And if you wonder who sent me there, here they are…in no particular order:

1. Mahbod Fucking Moghadam. Yup, nothing like the mediocre memoirs — oh sorry, “manifesto” — of a failed pickup artist turned mass killer turned suicide to bring out the drooling australopithecine grunter in us all. If you ever wondered just how inane the overhyped wiz-kids of Silicon Valley really are, here’s a particularly shiny example. This one decided to use his own website, supposedly dedicated to deciphering rap lyrics, to wax rhapsodic — i.e. RIDICULOUS — about said “manifesto”. Thus proving that Rap Genius has precious little to do with rap, never mind genius. PS: And he resigns. Not that it changes much of anything, but hey.

2. Robi Fucking Ludwig. Only on FUX Snooze would they try to link everything back to homosexuality…including the frustrated, murderous, HETEROSEXUAL impulses of a killer who had sworn revenge on “feminism”, which he essentially defines as “women who dared to reject wonderful perfect princely ME ME ME FUCKING ME!” PS: Aaaand she’s fired. Alas, not by FUX Snooze, but by Coldwell Banker…who, quite reasonably, wouldn’t want to face a potential backlash by gay clients.

3. Franklin Fucking Graham. You might not want to be called “a homophobic” [sic], but you’ve earned it, so OWN it. Claiming to “love the sinner and hate the sin” still makes same-sex love out to be a sin, when all’s said.

4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Jesus was an Israeli! O RLY? And he spoke Hebrew! Um, no. Nobody back then was speaking Hebrew anymore, only chanting it during services in the temple. Well, at least the Pope got it right; he said Aramaic. Bibi, on the other hand, just had to argue. And how hilarious, too, that he tried to claim exclusively for Israel a man whom all Palestinians revere as a prophet, and the Christian ones as a savior, to boot.

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5. Kenneth Fucking Lewis. Nice no-pology you done there. Smells like a steaming pile of horseshit, too. How about a REAL one next time, preferably with no self-justification?

6. Daniel Fucking Calhon. Holding your breath is for walking past graveyards, not driving through tunnels. Know your idiotic superstitions!

7. Margaret Fucking Wente. No, women are NOT “hard-wired” to want to look perfect all the time. That’s bullshit social conditioning. Also, we’re tired of hearing “lean in”; some of us are already flat on our faces from it. And, BTW, last time I saw you, you weren’t looking so hot either.

8. Samuel Fucking Wurzelbacher. Fuck you and fuck your “constitutional rights”. Last time I looked, the right to live was also enshrined in the US constitution, well before the Second Amendment, and you know what that means? It means that that trumps ALL “right” to own guns, you stupid gun-sucking motherfucker. PS: And he’s still whining about that. Gawd, what a gigantic baby.

9. Todd Fucking Kincannon. Why?

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That’s why. Gunsuckers are the ultimate in cowards, and no, your son would NOT have been “shooting back” — because that’s how so-called “collateral damage” happens, as any RESPONSIBLE shooter would tell you, you fucking SEXIST moron. When some guy is shooting at random from a moving vehicle, there’s not even any time for “shooting back”.

10. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Joining a “new” party full of fringe wackalopes? Good. Please take all the other idiots with you, too.

11. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. For the thousandth time, John Jacob Jingleheimer…trans people are not interested in “raping your girls”. They’re using public washrooms for the same things everyone else is: go to the toilet, wash hands, mirror check, and DONE. Why is it so hard to understand that a trans woman is, in fact, at risk of being raped herself if she uses the men’s room?

12. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, a man doing household chores doesn’t need cookies — or sex — in return. It’s HIS house too, remember? Of course he’s going to have to contribute to the upkeep of it. Especially if his wife works too. Just imagine if the gender roles were reversed here how ludicrous your “advice” would sound. Does a man owe sex to a female breadwinner? Does she owe him chores to prove she “loves” him?

13. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh look, Prime Minister Pipeline is now trying to rebrand himself as the “environmental” PM. As if we’d forget that he’s the one who fucking WRECKED our environment by ramming through every possible pro-petrobusiness piece of legislation he could.

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14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yeah, let’s not politicize a tragedy by blaming macho-man right-wing values and sexism and the Man Card gun culture. No, let’s pin the tail on the usual donkey here: THE MOVIES! After all, Elliot Rodger’s dad worked in them. Yeah, that makes so much more sense! Oh yeah, and let’s also blame women’s bare, seductive butts while we’re at it. Somebody’s been reading Warren Fucking Farrell, methinks.

15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yeah, let’s not examine right-wing macho-man values and sexism and the bullshit that is pickup artistry. No, let’s just blame women for not giving Elliot Rodger the nookie that he was owed. Better still, let’s blame him for not having good enough “game”; never mind that THERE IS NO MAGIC KEY TO GETTING SEX OUT OF WOMEN. HE TRIED IT AND FUCKING FAILED! Sorry for the ALL FUCKING CAPS shouting, but this cannot be said loudly or often enough for these fake-ass losers with bullshit books to hawk. Or their dim-witted followers, either.

16. Aaron Fucking Aranza. Add one more item to the ever-growing list of things you can’t do while black: Dancing with your friend at her 15th birthday party. Her dad might take a poke at you, and he might also beat the shit out of her just for good measure.

17. Julia Fucking Gasper. Riddle me this: How does dying from a violent assault on a cold night while tied, crucifixion-style, to a fence, constitute “fraud”? Because that’s how Matthew Shepard died, and that’s what this idiot thinks he is (and all other hate crime victims, too). At this rate, it’s little wonder that she lost an election. Might want to work on that platform a bit, eh?

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18. Donna Fucking Edmunds. Speaking of “might want to work on that platform a bit”, how about this flibbertigibbertarian? She thinks it’s “fascist indoctrination” to attend equality training, and that shops should have a right to refuse to serve women. On that latter point, I agree with her — any shop that sees HER coming should lock its doors. Just, you know, so she sees the flaw in her argument.

19. Evan Fucking Spiegel. Aaaaand THIS is why Snapchat sucks. Anything conceived by fratboys is automatically a piece of crap.

20 and 21. Glenn Fucking Beck and Stu Fucking Burguiere. It’s always a good time for rape jokes, right??? Of course right…because beer commercials are totally based on real life experiences!

22. Keith Fucking Ablow. Let’s get a few things straight here, since FUX Snooze’s resident schmexologist is determined to screw them up: Lorena Bobbitt didn’t “castrate” her husband for “cheating” on her, she cut off his dick because he raped and abused her. And of course a man doesn’t have a right to force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term just because “it’s my baby too”. (Yours, Keith? What are you, a sperm donor?) In Canada, we got our last abortion law struck down over precisely that fact. And yet, he thinks that’s “crazy”? No. What’s crazy is that men are still getting to make all the decisions about what goes on in women’s bodies. And women are paying the price for this bullshit. That’s what’s fucking crazy.

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23. Rudolph Fucking Randa. Pardon me, yeronner, but your breath stinks of…KOCH. Must be all those junkets you’ve been on. That’s a conflict of interest, if I’m not mistaken. It’s also illegal and should have led to a recusal. So, why didn’t it? And please don’t give us any more of that “political speech” crap. Money-driven politics is not about freedom of speech, but about drowning out the speech of anyone who doesn’t have the doh-re-mi.

24. Earl Fucking Cheney. Since when is it a restaurant’s job to police gender norms? Oh, about since NEVER. And no, your daughter is not a “young lady”, she’s a young BIGOT. Just like her bigoted old man taught her to be. Decent ladies — and gentlemen — of any age don’t go around calling other people fags. PS: Ha, ha.

25. Naaman Fucking Adcock. I don’t know what’s the difference between “Jewish brains” and any other kind, but I’m pretty sure that threatening to blow them out of your own stepson while you’re stinking drunk yourself is one helluva wank.

26. Daniel Fucking Sohn. Dumping your dog without even filling out papers explaining your reasons for doing so is a wank; making shitty excuses when the animal tries to follow you home again is an even bigger wank. I’m not a dog person, but this sort of thing just sickens me.

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27. Ken Fucking Blackwell. Again with the blame-the-queers for the UCSB massacre. No, no, no, no, fucking NO. How many times does it need to be said that this is not a question of rips in the “social fabric”, but of loopholes for gun acquisition, and the fact that gun culture is misogynous by nature? Jayzus.

28. John Fucking Derbyshire. Oh look, the Perv just couldn’t resist the urge to piss all over the phenomenal Maya Angelou’s casket. Lest we forget, the Perv is the beneficiary of Wingnut Welfare, which is Affirmative Action for talentless, whining, mediocre white men, purveyors of semi-literate gibberish, and formless, meaningless babble (to use his own words, of course). And to top it all off, he’s never read her words…by his own admission. So how does that qualify him to judge her? Oh yeah: He’s white. And Anglo. And an asshole. What more qualification does he need?

29. Robert Fucking Jeffress. Even assuming that same-sex marriage does result in the shutdown of “Christian” hate-radio stations, how is this a BAD thing?

30. Tom Fucking DeLay. And since when, exactly, was God ever a Repug? Such absurd statements could only come from the Bugman, whose brain has clearly fallen victim to his good ol’ exterminator chemicals.

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31. David Fucking Prince. No, Satan isn’t influencing the media coverage of Michael Sam. Unless, of course, Satan takes the form of talent being rightly recognized in spite of the sexual orientation of the talented one.

32. David Fucking Barton. And of course, he defends the Native American genocide. It’s the Christian thing to do!

33. Phil Fucking Robertson. Hey, who better than a phony redneck to tell the Repugs to get right with God? Maybe he and #30 can sneak off for a hit of bug spray after the show, eh?

34. Vinod Fucking Khosla. Again with this nonsensical “I own the beach” shit. No, dude, you do NOT. And your blocking public access to it is illegal, too.

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35. Chris Fucking D’Elia. Who the fuck are you, why the hell are you on TV, and where in fucknation does a ratty-haired dickweed like you get off calling women shitty for calling out misogyny where and whenever it happens…to THEM? Go take your entitled whiny mansplaining elsewhere. Preferably the toilet. And don’t forget to flush. And wash your hands!

36. Rand Fucking Paul. Forget Coachella…the hottest hipster festival is, of course, the flibbertigibbertarian wankfest of Silicon Valley. No cute clothes or flowery headbands, and no music worth listening, but hey! You get to hear him and a whole lotta other pie-in-the-sky types drone on and on and on and on about totally economically disastrous, impracticable shit. Should be a hot ticket.

37. Gurbaksh Fucking Chahal. How to follow up that video of him beating up his girlfriend (over 100 blows in just half an hour, for those counting), and calling her a whore in court? With threats to sue everyone and their little dog, too. Yeah, that’ll get him his credibility back.

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38. Sheri Fucking Few. Tell ya what: I’ll support the teaching of “intelligent design” as science when you support my right to impose pagan school prayers on everyone. Deal?

39. Andrew Fucking David Fucking Truelove. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to steal signs from memorial playgrounds in the name of Sandy Hook Twooferism. But at least he’s finally been arrested for his vandalism. Now, if only there were some way to make it up to the parents of the victims he claims didn’t ever exist.

40. Riley Fucking Allen Fucking Mullins. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how moronic it is to purse-snatch someone waiting for the ferry…and then “friend” her on Facebook, perhaps with an eye to casing her house. Happily, that’s how she got the cops onto him.

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And finally, to all the “nice guys” of the PUAhate forum (which, ha ha, had to be shuttered thanks to Elliot Rodger and his lonely todger). If you ever wonder why all the women can’t see what Nice Guys™ you are, maybe it’s because your inner shithead keeps popping out and getting in the way. No, actually, scratch that “maybe”…it’s DEFINITELY because of that. Your unholy combination of entitlement, arrogance, desperation and sociopathy is the problem, not your self-declared “niceness”. And as long as you insist on seeing, treating and talking about us as if we were no more than your just due for being the owner of a boner, you can expect to go on being rejected. All of you are well on the way to being Forever Alone.

Good night, and get fucked!

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