Wankers of the Week: Rob Ford’s Sex Tape

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Crappy weekend, everyone! OMG, did I gross you out? Well, good. Because apparently, there is such a beast, and I can’t imagine it being anything other than horrible. There is in fact a video of him smoking crack, too, but then we all knew that for months already. And we already have a fair idea of how that looks. We also always suspected that he’s a violent, crassly racist piece of shit, and this is apparently also on tape, and we also can well imagine how THAT looks. We don’t, however, want to know how Robbo looks while humping what I assume is the hired help. Do we? No, we do not. And here are some other people, who did other things we’d all just as soon not see:

1. Rochelle Fucking Sterling. Last week, it was her husband getting listed. This week, it’s her…because she’s no better, at least as far as racism goes. Also, she sounds like the landlady from hell.

2. Warren Fucking Farrell. Shorter: Dat ass! Dat ass OPPRESSIVE! Dat ass is to men what Brad Pitt allegedly is to all women! Run from DAT ASS!

3. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Guess who’s been reading #2’s garbage? No, feminists are not to blame for boys doing poorly in school. It’s idiots who think boys are just naturally more boisterous, and should be indulged instead of disciplined, who are the problem. And when EVERYONE has to sit down, shut up and learn something, what’s that? EQUALITY. But I guess someone didn’t learn her lessons, did she now? And don’t anyone blame feminism for idiots like her getting promoted, either.

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4. Allen Fucking West. Shorter: Never mind Donald Fucking Sterling’s racism…WHAT ABOUT BENGHAZI??? Jesus H. Christ, are we STILL on that?

5. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Shorter: Never mind Donald Fucking Sterling’s racism…WHAT ABOUT OBAMACARE DEATH PANELS??? Yup, that broken record is still playing, too.

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. If waterboarding is how you “baptize a terrorist”, maybe she should be the next one to get some religion. After all, she sounds pretty ungodly to me. And that screech? Sheer, unmitigated TERROR!

7. Mike Fucking Vanderboegh. Oh look, a dude who runs like a pregnant cow is threatening to rip Harry Reid’s balls off. Stroll, Harry…stroll! Don’t worry, you’ll get away handily. Ha, ha.

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8. Don Fucking Popadick. Because this wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a real live wanker (or something along those lines), there’s this appropriately named flasher. And just to make it even more perfect, he was caught in Mooney’s Bay. Another roadside attraction, no doubt.

9. Steven Fucking Anderson. This birth-control-using feminist could waste a lot of words on this slut-shaming pastor, but I think I’ll just go with a loud and hearty, church-hallelujah-style FUCK YOU, YOU SHITTY MOTHERFUCKER, AND DAMN YOUR ASS TO HELL!

10 and 11. Domenico Fucking Dolce and Stefano Fucking Gabbana. Yes, that’s right, a designer wank for you this week, kiddies. And what is it? Multimillion-dollar, or rather multimillion-EURO tax evasion. And fucking DUH the taxman is gonna go after you if you have that much money just lying around in Luxembourg, doing nothing while your own country is bankrupt and the social security net is crumbling under ordinary Italians all over the boot.

12. Jeanine Fucking Young. I don’t know how a woman judge, of all people, could sentence a rapist to public service in lieu of jail time, let alone at a rape-crisis centre, of all places. But I think this may be a sign that someone needs to get the fuck off the bench and leave sentencing to someone more competent and less, er, “creative”. PS: Oh, nice. Exactly what IS the correct way for a rape victim to behave?

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13. Pat Fucking Robertson. Yes, Patwa, that’s right. Don’t try to convince anyone else your god exists. For once, you’ve actually given a semi-sound piece of advice, there. Too bad you’re still a fucking wanker.

14. Julia Fucking Gasper. Gay hookups “violate democracy”, and therefore Grindr should be banned? Uh, no. I have a better idea: Instead of banning Grindr (which not all gays use, and many actually dislike), how about we just ban bigotry and automatically disqualify any homophobic candidate from running for public office?

15. Matthew Fucking Lombard. If your “conscience” gets in the way of your business, you need to change your line of work. You want to take a stand against gays, freemasons, and “immodesty”? Be a preacher, not a printer. Problem solved!

16. Buddy Fucking Smith. Since when is bullying the queers a “religious freedom”, while a stated refusal to discriminate is “bullying”? Oh, since “family” became a dog-whistle for “perfect excuse to bully anyone who isn’t cis-het and producing children”.

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17. Paul Fucking Wesselhöft. Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re racist. And you’re dying to say “nigger, nigger, nigger” to some person who’s already heard it all too often, and stick it to those PC Police otherwise known as the Black Panthers. Also, you’re racist. We know, we know.

18. Justin Fucking Bieber. Uh, guys? He wasn’t joking when he asked Robbo if he had any crack. He was fresh out, and trying to hit somebody up for a fix. Somebody he just knew was likely to have one on him. Ha, ha.

19. Darrell Fucking Trigg. Never mind that pesky ol’ Founding Fathers’ separation of church and state! Vote for this guy, he’s got it all: bible-thumpin’, queer-bashin’, probably some good ol’ woman-hatin’ too. Hyuk hyuk hyuk, the South will rise again!

20. Michael Fucking Conzachi. Never mind that no one knows (yet) what touched off the latest Fort Hood shooting. A Voice For Morons already has it all figured out, and as usual, it’s women and queers who are to blame! Yup, there’s an actual Lesbo Circle of Doom in the military, trying to arrange things so that military LGBTs getting married have it better than straight folks going to a parent’s funeral, or some such. And of course, the fact that a military woman stopped the shooter before the carnage got worse is just an insult never to be borne. After all, only MEN are allowed to be heroes!

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21. Katie Fucking Hopkins. What is she, a concentration-camp kapo? Who is this person, and why is her opinion being blatted to the four winds? She’s an idiot, that much is certain. And shouldn’t she get a REAL job before she spouts off on what kind of “uniforms” she wants the unemployed to wear?

22. Steve Fucking Hickey. Mang, what is it with all these homophobes who spend wayyyyy more time thinking about gay sex than the average gay guy (or even the ABOVE-average gay guy, come to that)? Honestly, this one’s so obsessed with it, you kind of wish he’d finally come out of the closet, just so he could see it’s really nowhere near as dramatic as he makes it out to be. But then again, that would spoil his fantasies. And besides, I don’t think the gays would want him, do you?

23. James Fucking Franco. Nope, I still don’t understand why he’s famous. And nope, I still don’t get why anyone thinks he’s hot. But yes, I do believe we have a wanker here. Again.

24. Eric Fucking Hovind. Creationists, give it a rest. Your religion is NOT a science. The Grand Canyon was NOT eroded in a matter of days. The flooding in Pensacola doesn’t prove a thing…except, of course, that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

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25. David Fucking Campayo Fucking Lleo. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid and racist it is to throw bananas at black Brazilian soccer players in Spain. Bananas are for eating, not throwing — just ask any actual monkey.

26. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. The death of “biblical morality” as an acceptable public political statement? BRING IT ON, BABY!!!

27. Donald Fucking Sterling. A man who treats all women as prostitutes (so badly that even the legal brothels of Nevada have banned him), kvetching how he should have “just paid off” the mistress who recorded one of his many, MANY racist tirades? I guess recognizing irony just isn’t the old boy’s strong suit, is it?

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28. Demitri Fucking Marchessini. If women in pants are destroying western civilization, why does that same civilization stubbornly insist on grinding right along, trousered women notwithstanding? And if wearing the “opposite” sex’s clothes is so destructive to society and all, why are there still Scotsmen…in kilts, no less? I’d say it’s sexism, racism, LGBT-phobia, imperialism, etc., that are the real wreckers of the social fabric of the world.

29. Rakesh Fucking Agrawal. Make a few new notes to yourself, dude: 1. Don’t insult your colleagues. 2. Turn off your autocorrect. 3. Don’t tweet drunk, even if you ARE in New Orleans.

30. Gurbaksh Fucking Chahal. When you’re on video hitting your girlfriend over 100 times in half an hour (!!!), do yourself a big favor and clam the fuck up. Because nothing you say or do is going to improve the way you look, so your best look is to say and do absolutely NOTHING. Yes, not even a cringing “thanks for not giving me any jail time, your honor, even though my sorry ass totally deserves every bit of it.” PS: That board you’re on? What are they all, psychopaths? Because getting off light for some pretty heavy girlfriend abuse is not something to be congratulated for by colleagues. Especially not if there is hard evidence of the fact.

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And finally, to all the ugly white people who weren’t content to be merely sore losers in Boston, but racists as well. Hockey is not just a white folks’ game. It hasn’t been one for a very long time. And you know what you need to do when your team loses? GET THE FUCK OVER IT. And for the love of all that’s holy, DON’T BE A FUCKING RACIST TOWARD THE GUY WHO SCORED THE WINNING GOAL. Remember, hockey is only a game. And racism, conversely, is NOT. And if you resort to racism over the loss of a mere game, you might just be what is wrong with this world. Or at least, the wide world of sports.

Good night, and get fucked!

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