Wankers of the Week: Robbo’s Rehab, Part Derp

Moudakis May 2 2014

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Rob Fucking Ford. Even in rehab, Robbo still manages to fuck up royally…and it’s confirmed that he really is there…in beautiful Muskoka cottage country as the season kicks off, how convenient. Especially for the woman who drunk-drove his Cadillac Escalade and got busted for it. And she left her fancy watch in his room, too! Oh, oh…Robbo is really in the doghouse now. I’m sure his long-suffering wife is just counting the days till he gets out so she can serve him those divorce papers. Meanwhile, here’s who else is full of shit…and in it up to their eyeballs:

1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Andrew Fucking Clark, Michael Fucking Church, Andrew Fucking Clements, Richard Fucking Morrison, and Rupert Fucking Christiansen. What are you, music critics or poo-flinging monkeys? Opera fans are not amused by the updates from your sad, badly-aging boners. Nobody cares what you think about how a young female singer is built, or whether she pleases your eyes. People read you to know what your EARS picked up, you fucking clods. How about reviewing her SINGING, next time? And if you can’t do that, maybe it’s time you were replaced by someone younger and sharper who knows what the hell they’re there for.

6. Timothy Fucking Johnson. The best way to deal with a text-messaging whoops is to accept that mistakes happen. The worst way? Well, that’s the way this wanker did it, which is to put a 14-year-old girl’s number up on Craigslist for every pervert to send dickpix to. And to harass her and her mother instead of accepting their apologies for dialling the wrong number.

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7. Eric Fucking Schmidt. No, you are NOT entitled to more privacy than anyone else. And if you think you are, why the hell are you at the helm of one of the world’s biggest privacy-invaders?

8. Corey Fucking McCarthy. What the hell do you think a not-yet-two-year-old is going to learn from being thrown in a pool when she can’t swim? Oh, that her sperm donor is a fucking jerk and a near murderer. What else?

9. Lonnie Fucking Hutton. Because it wouldn’t be a real wankapedia without a real wanker, here you go. Get this one drunk, and he will hump every inanimate thing from ATMs to picnic tables. Murfreesboro, how’d you get so lucky?

10. Matt Fucking Barber. This guy’s more obsessed with gay sex and bestiality than those who actually practice those things are. I fully expect that any day now, we’ll hear that he’s been caught with his pants down…behind a stallion. (Or maybe in front of one…yeah, he looks like the type.)

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11. Rick Fucking Santorum. Meanwhile, Icky Ricky vows he’ll die trying to stop same-sex marriage. Strangely, I’m quite all right with this. Do it for the children, Buttsploodge!

12. Robert Fucking Keller. So, you don’t think you have to face criminal charges for uttering death threats against a black kid? That you were only uttering your “opinion” when you thought an innocent child should be put to death for living with white relatives and socializing with white kids? Well, that’s just, like, YOUR opinion, dude.

13. Katy Fucking Kasmai. Ever wonder why Google Glass users are fast gaining a reputation as privacy-invading, ill-mannered assholes? Here’s one more shining example of their “activism” for a world where everything is always on camera, everywhere. Glassholes of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your good names!

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14. Ted Fucking Cruz. Teddy, if you’re going to go flinging wild accusations about political parties and what they plan to do to free speech, shouldn’t you, you know, actually cite fact? Because the First Amendment doesn’t protect the right to lie, and it never did. Wasn’t designed to, in fact. Freedom of speech is not an absolute right anywhere in the world, and as much as that may shock you, it’s also the truth.

15. Adam Fucking Carolla. No, Adam, there is no “gay mafia”, in Hollywood or anywhere else. If there were, would Ellen Page have had to stand there with her voice quavering while she came out? And yes, by saying such things, you are in fact outing yourself as a homophobe. Why so insecure?

16. Doug Fucking Ford. Even without Robbo, the Frod Nation shitshow MUST go on! And Dougie most thoughtfully obliged by saying that a group home for disabled kids was ruining the neighborhood and bringing down the property values. Oh…like having Dougie as their municipal council member wasn’t doing that already?

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17. Charles Fucking Van Zant. Shorter: Public schools make kids gay! I do wish that someone would just once explain to me how there are never any gay kids coming out of private schools, say. Or homeschooling. Especially when, in fact, there ARE.

18. Alan Fucking Robertson. Big Daddy Phil is like John the Baptist? Sure he is…if John were a raging, hypocritical homophobe. Somehow, though, the New Testament missed all that.

19. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Hatred for the queers sure is a funny thing. Just a couple of decades ago, he would have been calling Russia a nasty red communist menace, and today he’s calling it a traditional Christian paradise. Christ, old man, get on home to Cthulhu already!

20. Aaron Fucking Brodeski. Internet porn can go to your head…and so, it seems, can obsessively fighting over it. So much so that you forget to use the big one and end up exposing the little one at a gas station. Yup, the Cassock Closet is one helluva place…

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21. Tom Fucking DeLay. No, the US constitution was NOT written by God. The Framers all signed their names to it…and in the case of John Hancock, very very prominently!

22. Ben Fucking Carson. Welfare is evil…but only for OTHER people. Whereas, in his case, it clearly paid off. Why else would he be campaigning against it now?

23. Larry Fucking Klayman. Just because you believe the Moon is made of green cheese, doesn’t make it so. Just because you believe the Earth is flat and the Sun revolves around it, doesn’t make it so. And just because you believe your president was born in Kenya…well, you can guess the rest.

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24. Philip Fucking Irvin. Psssst. Wanna know how to truly, infallibly gay-proof your kids? It’s simple: DON’T HAVE ANY. That’s it!

25. Rafael Fucking Cruz. If school prayer truly helps prevent teen pregnancy, why were there so many pregnant girls at my middle school and high school? We had prayer, and it didn’t fucking work. Maybe comprehensive sex ed would have been better…and condom dispensers in the washrooms, better still!

26 and 27. Richard Fucking Johnson and Mel Fucking Feit. Save the males! Save the males! Um, guys? The masthead at the New York Times is still overwhelmingly male-dominated. Are you forgetting that? Also, if women are getting all the glamorous intellectual jobs these days, why are so few men signing on for the glamorous, intellectual job of wiping babies’ bums?

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28. Jerry Fucking Boykin. When even Dubya thinks you’ve gone too far with the Holy War bullcrap, trust me…you’ve gone too fucking far.

29. Vance Fucking McAllister. Oh, nice. Congressman Snog thinks duct tape and garbage bags are a good way of fixing leaky oil pipelines. Red Green would be proud.

30. David Fucking Foskette. And one more actual wanker! This one’s got a novel reason for creeping around in bushes and exposing himself: namely, his freshly (and fully) waxed nether regions.

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And finally, to the Fucking NRA and Open Fucking Carry gunsuckers who are throwing a stompy tantrum right now because some restaurants won’t let them come in pointing loaded guns at people. I guess it’s not too surprising that a lot of you are little pipsqueaks who’d come out the worse in a hand-to-hand fight; also no surprise that others probably run like pregnant cows. And it’s really, really fucking hilarious that none of you could eat a measly burrito without having to tote an AR-15 or whatever it is that’s popular in penis-compensators these days. What are you, afraid that a hungry Mexican could steal the food right from your hands? Exactly how dangerous ARE chain restaurants, anyway? Surely not so dangerous that you’d have to come in armed. But hey. I’m sure the folks at Chipotle will miss you and your Man Cards terribly now that you’re not in there waving them around and scaring the other patrons off anymore. PS: Ha, ha. Looks like your widdle strategy backfired. Wish your guns would do the same!

Good night, and get fucked!

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