Wankers of the Week: Bummer Solstice

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy summer solstice to one and all. It’s the longest day and shortest night of the year, and the wanks came fast and furious this week, folks, so let’s just get right down to ’em, shall we?

1. Andrew Fucking Dandurand. Yay! Another fine ground-stander in Florida stands his ground. This time, luckily, the cops caught him before he could actually follow through on his plan to stand his ground against his ex-girlfriend, her new boyfriend, and her child. If he could only stand his ground against crystal meth, instead…

2. Anthony Fucking Elonis. Yay! Another fucking Nice Guy™ is just trying to be Nice™. Of course, it involves a lot of gaslight, and not-so-veiled threats, as is usual with these Nice Guys™.

3. Charles Jeffrey Fucking Short. Yay! Another fine Christian, just Christianing around. With a sledgehammer. On some religious statuary. In the name of Jeebus, Mary, and the Great Jumpin’ Jehosaphat. Amen!

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4. Richard Fucking Coleman. Yay! Another fine city council member, thinking it’s “fair” to treat a kid with a cute (and literacy-promoting) idea like a lawbreaker. File this under Grownups Are All Poopyheads.

5. Terry Fucking Bradshaw. Stick to football, old man, and leave the Monday morning quarterbacking (and Benghazi-shouting) to the other wingnuts.

6. Mark Fucking Parkinson. Oh look, another Anthony Fucking Weiner. This one with an R after his name. Yay!

7. Rob Fucking Morrison. 121 calls over three days to one estranged wife. Obsess much?

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8. David Fucking Cameron. Christianity can make politicians good? Yes, I can see that. Worked wonders for both you and Tony Fucking “Dodgy Dossier” Blair, hasn’t it?

9. Mike Fucking Coffman. Call that a push-up? I call it humping the fuckin’ floor. Hell, I can do full push-ups better…and I’m a bottom-heavy woman, too!

10. Brent Douglas Fucking Cole. Yay! Another Sovereign Citizen™, sovereigning the hell out of the citizenry with the usual pig-legalese. And standing his ground against the Bureau of Land Management and the police, too!

11. Mehmet Fucking Oz. Yay! Another TV weight-loss scamster gets his ass handed to him by Sen. Claire McCaskill. How many pounds did he lose there, I wonder?

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12. Glenn Fucking Beck. Get ready for the Great Humbling, folks…followed, no doubt, by another Great Disappointment when nothing actually happens. And of course, Biff won’t be the one getting humbled, either…not if he can help it.

13. Dennis Fucking Kneier. Throwing doggy-doo on someone else’s lawn. What are you, a teenage hoodlum? Nope…try a mayor, throwing shit at a political rival. And now you’re out. Ha, ha.

14. David Fucking Garden. Yay! Another God-talker, talking God while he talks rightful homeowners out of their titles and rents their property and keeps the proceeds for himself. Say, isn’t that usury? I’m pretty sure Jesus drove some moneychangers out of the Temple for that…

15. Donald Fucking Trump. So, he says he wouldn’t do Kim Kardashian or J-Lo? Well, that makes two of us. And I wouldn’t do HIM, either. They may have “bad bodies” with all that junk in the trunk, but he’s got terrible hair, what with that small dead animal on his scalp and all.

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16. George Fucking Zimmerman. How DARE the media report accurately that he said “fucking coon” on a 911 tape? How DARE people call a racist spade a fucking shovel, already? Oh, the humanity! At this rate, I’m going to enjoy watching the judge throw out one after the other of his meritless lawsuits. Ha, ha.

17. Rickey Fucking Wagoner. And speaking of racists, how about this one? He stabbed himself to make it look like a bunch of black gang members did it. And even the bible he was carrying in his pocket couldn’t save him from the ridicule of being found out. Ha, ha!

18. Robert Fucking Scoble. Gee, Yogi, why are Glassholes called that? Well, Boo-Boo, it’s because they ARE that. When privacy invasion becomes a way of life for some people, why, they just can’t help it! And no, they’re not smarter than the average bear; they just have more fucking chutzpah.

19. Peter Fucking MacKay. Women are too busy bonding with their kids to apply for top jobs? Um, NO. First off, not all of us have kids; secondly, not all who have kids are their primary caregivers; thirdly, dads are parents too, and bond with kids also; and fourth, women with high-powered careers tend to be in the best position to work out satisfactory child-care arrangements, and often do so without a hitch. But then again, institutional sexism will reach for any justification, however flimsy. And there is no bigger institutional sexist than our own so-called justice minister, who has made a habit of mocking the judiciary with every shitty appointment his boss dictates. PS: Liar, liar. Ha, ha.

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20 and 21. Stephen Fucking Harper and Tony Fucking Abbott. Speaking of Petey’s boss, he’s in Australia now, playing footsies with his equally loathsome local counterpart, denying that climate-change is man-made, and of course, wearing the gaudiest, gawd-awfullest, fugliest shirts imaginable. Yay!

22. Martin Fucking Winters. Hooray, another fine doomsday prepper, preppin’ for doomsday…only it didn’t come and he got cold, wet and hungry waiting for it, and finally “they” trapped him with a burger and some fries. There’s a moral in there somewhere, surely.

23. George Fucking Will. Old man, it’s long past time for you to retire. It’s cranky old wingnuts like YOU who don’t take rape seriously and can’t fucking read. And one paper (sadly, not the WaHoPo) has already dropped your useless, shitty column. Take a hint, already, and SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

24. Sean Fucking Hannity. What to do with a Muslim who’s been bullied? Why, bully her some more, and beat her about the head with Benghazi, Benghazi, Ben-fucking-GHAZI! What else would the Baby Jesus do?

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25. Michelle Fucking MacDonald. And speaking of Jesus and what he would do, I’m pretty sure that lying about impaired-driving charges wouldn’t be in there anywhere. Ditto with lying about George Washington, who was only as religious as form required him to be.

26. Joe Fucking Arpaio. He must be a ventriloquist, because how else could he talk out of both sides of his mouth like that? Oh yeah, that must be why he said “foraged” by mistake for forged.

27. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, Martin Luther King would NOT consider gay marriage a holocaust. Are you forgetting Bayard Rustin, who MLK knew perfectly well to be gay?

28. Rick Fucking Perry. Oh lord, the mothballs must really be getting to him in that closet of his. Now Crotch thinks he’s Jewish!

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29. Scott Fucking Walker. Oh Wisconsin, why didn’t you recall this assbucket when you had the chance? Now you’ve got toxic scandal all over your nice, clean state!

30. Chris Fucking Christie. Meanwhile, in New Jersey, another assbucket is about to slop over, too. But since Standard Oil contaminated the state long ago, will anyone even notice?

31. Cherron Fucking Phillips. Wow. It’s really been quite the week for sovereign shittizens, hasn’t it? Here’s another one. Unfortunately for all of them this really hasn’t been their week, after all.

32. Adam Fucking Richman. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t give a rat’s nuts if you’re famous, or for what. NOTHING excuses calling someone a cunt and telling her to kill herself. Not even your stupid fucking “thinspiration”. Got it?

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33. John Fucking Huppenthal. Say, shouldn’t a chief of public schools be, I dunno, NON-RACIST? IMPARTIAL? And all those other things public officials usually are, instead of a stupid-ass right-wing blog troll with a million fake IDs? And isn’t he a bit old for all this zit-faced-kid-in-mom’s-basement stuff? What a loser. And Arizona? If you re-elect him, the bigger loser will be YOU.

34. Ruben Fucking Diaz. If you’re going to offer lots and lots of free rides to DC, shouldn’t you at least say what for? Oh…a NOM rally against same-sex marriage? Yeah, I can see why no one was biting. Ha, ha.

35. Ralph Fucking Reed. Urinal pucks shaped like a big-eared caricature of your own president? Stay classy, Ralphie. (And try not to whack off over it, ‘kay?)

36. Jace Fucking Connors. Huzzah! #23 is vindicated! I have finally found someone actively coveting sexual-assault victim status! Huzzah! PS: Does it count if he’s only been sent dickpix by a couple of gay guys trolling him so he loses his shit on his cheesy little cable-access internet show that maybe six people have ever watched? Oh well, huzzah anyway!

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37. Joe Fucking Walsh. Oh look, Deadbeat Dad the Teabagger thinks you should be able to say racist slurs on the radio. Unless perchance you’re reading aloud from something like Huckleberry Finn, unabridged, or quoting a racist verbatim (and making it clear that you are only quoting), there is just no way that this shit cannot be offensive. Suck it up, cracker!

38 and 39. Dustin Fucking Rosondich and Xylie Fucking Eshleman. And MOAR fucking “sovereign” jackwagons! How the hell can you be “expatriated” from the US, or a “Non Resident” there, when you still LIVE there? And no, you don’t get to make up your own rules, or your own meanings for words, OR your own hand-drawn licence plates. Drivers’ licences are granted by the STATE, you dumbfucks. You know, that authority that administrates the public roads you so sovereignly drive upon, with taxes paid by citizens? Also, your “sovereign” music sovereignly sucks.

40. Dan Fucking Shapiro. And speaking of jackwagons and stupid shit you don’t get to do, up here in the Great North, we don’t take kindly to having our records of residential school abuse — paid for with OUR taxes — destroyed. Those records may not make anyone comfortable, but they’re there for a reason: to remind us all of what racist fucks used to be in charge here, and to remind us never to elect such racist fucks again…or appoint them to truth and reconciliation commissions, either.

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And finally, to all the fucking Texas idiotesses who toted their guns into a Target store. (To do a little Target shootin’?) Thanks for proving that female gun nuts are just as fixated on the ol’ metal penis compensators as the guys, and no more amenable to common sense, either. I’m sure all the other shoppers felt so much safer with you in there, playing Rambette and belittling their concern for the safety of the store staff, themselves, and oh yeah, THE CHILDREN. Some of whom, incidentally, were yours. And for whom you are setting a piss-poor example of how to be the good guy with a gun.

Also, to Target, for letting this happen, instead of taking a leaf from more responsible businesses. Hope you enjoy the boycott you got coming, assholes.

Good night, and get fucked!

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