Wankers of the Week: Crappy World Pride!


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy Pride Week to all my LGBT friends. Well, folks, the stoopid season is upon us like heat on a summer’s day. And I’ve got your thirty degrees of idiot right here:

1. Theresa Fucking May. Um, the UK is fairly bristling with surveillance cameras on every street corner, and now word is out that Her Majesty’s Intelligence Services have been spying on ordinary Britons — yes, even total non-terrorists with not a terrorist affiliation to speak of — as well. And yet this twit has the gall to say it’s NOT a surveillance state? Big Brother would be so pleased to see that tyranny could be achieved without ever once resorting to Ingsoc.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. Ew ew ew ew, ew ew EW. Ooky yucky icky POO! That is all.

3. Roy Fucking Moore. What part of “Congress shall make no law” does he not understand? There is NO official religion in the US, and it doesn’t fucking matter what came over on the Mayflower. Nobody is a Puritan anymore. What diploma mill graduated this idiot of a so-called judge, anyway?


4. William Fucking Walters. A Kluker on the neighborhood watch? A “Grand Dragon”, no less? Yeah, that’ll go well. As will the attempt to rebrand an institutionally racist organization as a non-racist, “take out the trash” buncha guys.

5. Nicholas Fucking Wig. Pro tip: When burgling a house, don’t use their computer to check your Facebook. And don’t leave it logged in to your page, either. Otherwise, you’ll earn a new status…as the world’s stupidest criminal.

6. Adam Fucking Kuhn. Pro tip: When acting as a congressional aide, don’t tweet dickpix to porn stars. In fact, don’t tweet dickpix to ANYONE.

7. Cathy Fucking Young. I have no idea why any woman would think it’s a good idea to be a rape apologist, much less a rape enabler. But she’s both, and seems to take a wankish amount of contrarian pleasure in the fact. Much like rapists get off on the vulnerability and fear of their victims, secure in the knowledge that the culture is making it easy for them to do just that, eh?


8. Gary Fucking Oldman. And speaking of apologists, how about him…defending the indefensible Mel Fucking Gibson and his antisemism? And no, dude, you don’t get to dictate which parts of your interview get cut so you don’t end up looking like a bigot yourself. Much less whine about the “PC police”.

9. Bryan Fucking Eichfeld. Global warming denialism is “well-founded science”? Only in the eyes of the stupid, the uneducated…and teabaggers. Oh wait, I think I was repeating myself there.

10. Eleanor Fucking Levine. Oh, so you want a “very valid reason” why CAFE was excluded from Toronto’s World Pride parade? Well, how about the fact that this “men’s rights” group is aligned with the abusers’ lobby? The fact that they lied to Revenue Canada to get rubber-stamp charitable status? And the very, VERY valid reason that they haven’t done shit for GAY men’s rights…because gay guys have been taking care of that, without recourse to misogyny or antifeminism, for decades? Will that do?

11. Peter Fucking McKay. So, you think you get to tell us when the talk about your fuddy-duddy old-man sexism should stop, Petey? Nuh-uh…and don’t go putting any words in the mouth of your wife or your (alleged) female staffers, either. That “it’s not sexism if I make a woman say it” shit didn’t fly when Robert Heinlein did it in his fiction, so why should you get a pass? PS: Ha, ha!


12 and 13. David and Jason Benham. So, they’re prepared to die in battle for homophobia’s sake? Challenge accepted! Giant buzzing dildos at dawn, boys.

14. Ben Fucking Carson. Oh, fer fucksakes. The “New World Order” is a CAPITALIST plot, you bloody stooge. If you’re going to go peddling stupid conspiracy theories about Marxism, you better start learning what the fuck Marxism actually is.

15. Greg Fucking Kelly. Yup, nothing says FUX Snooze professionalism like an anchor perving on a bikini-clad reporter. I can only imagine what he’d say if she were interviewing nudists on the beach.

16 and 17. Leonardo Fucking Garcia and Daniel Fucking Palchik. Just because a Ferrari’s in your repair shop, doesn’t mean you get to take it out for a spin. And just because it CAN go fast, doesn’t mean you should make it. Especially if the end result is that you’re going to be hammering the damage out of that sucker for the rest of your (hopefully short) mechanical careers.


18. Amado Fucking Boudou. If you ever wanted to make a case for why some things should NEVER be out-contracted to the corporate sector, looks like the soon-to-be-former vice president of Argentina just made it for you. And in this case, the thing is printing money. I shit you not.

19. Chantal Fucking Barry. Any doctor unwilling to prescribe the Pill (or any other birth control) has no business being a doctor. If you can’t separate your religion from your job, find another fucking job!

20. Jordan Fucking Haskins. And because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one actual wanker, here you go. This one would like you to please ignore his previous career as a serial wanker (and hot-wirer of cars) and elect him as a state rep in Michigan. Oh yeah, and of course, he’s a Repug. Doesn’t that just so figure?


21. Justin Fucking Lookadoo. Look, a douche! Ha, ha…that will NEVER get old. And look! He’s also drunk and covered in vomit. I do believe that makes him UNDATEABLE. Ha, ha.

22. Joy Fucking Pinto. If birth control is from “the pit of hell”, may I ask just how many children this woman has? And if she’s taken any kind of artificial measures to limit their number, wouldn’t that make her a fucking hypocrite? And if the “real war on women” is being waged by giving them the freedom to have sex with impunity, what on Earth is the reward for listening to this wild-eyed freak, anyway?

23. Mike Fucking Friend. Who the fuck fires a howitzer at a civilian rifle range? And who the hell LETS them? Irresponsible fucking idiots, that’s who.

24. John Fucking Huppenthal. Still not resigning or apologizing over all those racist blog trollposts? Still a fucking wanker. PS: Cry me a Nile, crocodile.


25. Adam Fucking Levine. Douchebaggery: Long suspected. Also, confirmed by really fucking wimpy denial.

26. William Fucking Gheen. Dude. Don’t send your dirty underwear to undocumented immigrants…they don’t need it. Sell that shit on Craigslist to those who are truly worthy of your panic-soiled tighty-whities, ‘kay?

27, 28, 29 and 30. Jesse Fucking Deboard, Chris Fucking Masters, Christina Fucking Tharp, and Stephanie Fucking Coverman. Oh look, it’s a well-regulated militia! Nope…just four stupid gunsuckers parading their metal penises and spouting racist slurs on the street in broad daylight in yet another open-carry fuckfest of Teh Hardcore Stoopid. And now you’re getting arrested for it. Ha, ha.


And finally, to all the fuckwitted fucknuts in Arizona who attended this fucking idiotic public hearing on “chemtrails”. People, get a grip…it’s only fucking jet exhaust. You live under the flight paths of a busy airport, fer fucksakes. If “they”, whoever “they” are, wanted to kill you with toxic bug spray, don’t you think they’d be buzzing your houses in crop-dusters, instead of jets leaving condensation trails at 30,000+ feet? Anyway, “they” don’t exist, either. And it looks like the only sinister force out to kill you is your own fucking stupidity. A pity it isn’t working any faster.

Good night, and get fucked!

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