Wankers of the Week: End of the Ice Age

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Crappy weekend, everyone! I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that the Great Lakes are finally, officially ice-free after the Winter That Would Not Die. I’m kind of horrified that it’s taken this long…and no, right-wing morons, it is NOT “proof that global warming is a myth”, it’s actually symptomatic of the problem. Greater temperature extremes (and weather extremes in general) are that. It’s not about warmer weather, but more derangement in the weather patterns. And speaking of derangement, here’s who else was full of it this week:

1. Ruth Fucking Westheimer. Oh, Dr. Ruth. We knew you were an Irgun terrorist back in the day. Must you remind us? Why couldn’t you quit being one and just stick to asking people if they used contraceptives, which is what you did best? This is totally embarrassing.

2. Ryan Kelly Fucking Chamberlain. I know, I know. White guys can’t be terrorists. But this one apparently is, okay? And I’m sure HootSuite doesn’t want him endorsing their product that way, either.

3. Todd Fucking Kincannon, AGAIN. Does anyone else get the impression that he’s trying out for the role of Most Psychopathic Shit-Eating Wanker in the Repug Party? Because that’s sure what it smells like to me. And really: The “Cruz Administration”? Todd, whatever you’re snorting, cut it the fuck out NOW.

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4. Jean Fucking Kasem. Holy fucking shit, this woman is off the rails in a bad way. And no, throwing raw meat into the street — or at one’s stepdaughter — won’t improve matters any for poor ol’ Casey Kasem, who hasn’t been seen or heard from in a while, thanks to his even more demented wife.

5. Marjorie Fucking Holsten. Speaking of off the rails, how about this homeskoolin’ “expert”? (Note the quotes, there for a reason.) She thinks kids don’t need “obscene” comprehensive sex-ed when they can just watch guinea pigs boinking. And what, pray tell, are they supposed to do with all the little guinea piglets that result from this oh-so-instructive lesson?

6. Cody Fucking Williams. No, school shootings are not the “price of freedom”. They are the inevitable result of a culture promoted by gun manufacturers, industry lobbyists, and mindless Second Amendment suckers. In countries where gun ownership is restricted, people are plenty free…and one of the things they’re most free from, is gun violence.

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7. Tov Fucking Henderson. And speaking of gun violence and gun nuts’ increasingly incoherent positions, how about him? He can’t even bring himself to admit that people walking around toting assault rifles in public might be seen as scary psychopaths or potential robbers, rather than “good guys with guns”. Pathetic!

8. Justin Fucking Bieber. If you thought his chainsaw “joke” was bad, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Turns out, he’s more than just that wee bit racist. Considering he was “discovered” by a black guy and has performed with any number of them, you might think he knew better, but…NOPE!

9. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Kindly don’t try to appropriate black people’s history and try to mangle it to fit bigoted people’s current prejudices. Bigotry is not a freedom, it is a character flaw, and should be treated as such. And shunned accordingly.

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10 and 11. Paul Fucking Elam and Dean Fucking Esmay. Oh my, what a week these two are having. They’re going to have the umpteenth firstest-ever international “conference” on men’s issues. Agenda: How to call women bitches, cunts and whores, and then claim that’s not hate speech; how to abuse women legally; how to whine endlessly about your poor neglected penis; how to abuse women for neglecting your poor penis; how to sneer at any man who doesn’t share your toxic ideals of masculinity; bullshitting for beginners; and finally, how to make big money as a fucking hatemonger. Guys, do yourselves a favor: Instead of phoning in fake death threats on yourselves and making a big expensive show of hiring off-duty cops for your little fuckheadfest, just rent a broom closet in a run-down motel in Podunk next time. Then, nobody will bother you but yourselves. You’re welcome.

12. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Not only is he the rancher who owes the feds the most money for grazing his cattle on public land, he owes more than all the others COMBINED. And he still has the nerve to “protect” his illegal operation with a gang of armed thugs? Yup, that’s a mega-wank. It’s also a crime, BTW.

13. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Newsflash, Bowtie Boy: Rape isn’t about the gender of the victim, or the career of the assailant. It’s about a POWER IMBALANCE. And yes, a student getting jumped by his female teacher counts as such. But you’re right about one thing: You DO live in a whiny country. And nobody in it whines louder than you right-wing assholes.

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14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Where, exactly, do schoolkids “play with dildos, but not celebrate Christmas”? Maybe you’re thinking BULLETS. But at a time when that holiday is being jammed down everybody’s throat, you sure have some nerve in claiming it’s been outlawed.

15. Roy Fucking Moore. No, the courts do NOT need your sky-pixie to function. They need competent public officials who know what the hell they’re talking about. And judging by your remarks, I’d say that you most definitely do not qualify.

16. Tony Fucking Perkins. No, bakers are NOT being persecuted like the Jews for refusing to bake wedding cakes for gays. And they’re most certainly not being shoved into crematoria. BTW, the guy who came up with all that…was a devout Christian who hated gay people. Just so you know.

17. Ross Fucking Douthat. No, the so-called golden age of Hollywood was NOT a rape-free zone. If anything, it was a rapey free-for-all, especially on the casting couch…and an awful lot of old movies not-so-subtly reflect that. Too bad he hasn’t seen any of them, or watched the ones he has seen very closely. And no, you don’t get to blame feminism or the Pill for that, either.

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18. Steve Fucking Green. And at long last, the Religious Reich’s racist snake bites its rattly fascist tail. The Book of Exodus IS Birth of a Nation! If you need any more reason to stay out of Hobby Lobby, let alone this guy’s church, now you have it.

19. Joseph Fucking Rosa. No man is an island, and neither is he a “sovereign state”. And if you don’t want your daughter to grow up as daft as her old man, you will send her to school like a normal person, instead of inculcating her with all this idiotic “sovereign citizen” nonsense.

20. Bud Fucking Roth. Since when is belief in God a requirement to get married? Marriage is a civil status, not a religious belief. And if you can’t tell the difference, you have no business acting as a court-appointed officiant.

21. John Fucking Murphy. “Sober as a judge” is clearly a phrase that has lost all meaning when a judge starts brawls from his own bench.

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22. Whoever the fuck is responsible for this billboard. Stand up and be accountable, you fascist coward.

23. Eric Fucking Schmidt. Once again, one more reason why Google is evil. And why this CEO is a poster child for the need to break up tech monopolies.

24 and 25. Sarah and Bristol Palin. No, Bowe Bergdahl has not forgotten his English. But the Queen of Methville and her Purity-Ball Princess have forgotten their brains. Ha, kidding…they never had one to split between then!

26. Bill Fucking Donohue. Newsflash: Not all priests rape children. Other newsflash: Not all priests who rape children are Catholic. But thanks, all the same, for that interesting slip.

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27. Marc Fucking Andreessen. If you think Edward Snowden is a traitor, you might just be a spook. Or an apologist for spying. Either way, no good and very bad. PS: And no, the poor do NOT have it good. Jesus H. Christ, how out of touch with reality does one have to be?

28. Don Fucking Lemon. No, black people are NOT responsible for #8’s racist utterances. HE is, because HE said all that. Any questions?

29. Hillary Fucking Clinton. Backtracking on your criticism of illegal Israeli settlements? You damn betcha that’s a wank. Stop sucking up to Bibi, it’s disgraceful. Stop carrying water for the Likudniks and sanction them already!

30. Christopher Fucking Finlayson. Pro tip: Trying to discipline a crying baby by “giving her something to cry about” doesn’t fucking stop the crying. It does, however, get you some well-earned child abuse charges. Oh Florida Man, when will you ever learn?

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And finally, to Babulal Fucking Gaur. When the hell is rape “sometimes right”? When it results in the hanging murders of two barely pubscent girls? When it results in suicide? When? NEVER, that’s when. Sign the petition, folks. You know you want to…

Good night, and get fucked!

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