Wankers of the Week: The Devil in Mr. Jones

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. So, how are you all holding up after that Friday the 13th solar storm…and how are you liking our new Liberal majority hell? Ha, ha. Yeah, Toronto Redneck Sun, eat your hearts out. You sure know how to pick a winner. Pronounced “wiener”, of course. And here’s who else deserves a thorough roasting this week:

1. Alex Fucking Jones. No, that wasn’t Harry Reid’s “false flag”, that was your real (Gadsden) one. Those were YOUR idiot children committing mass murder and suicide in Vegas. And how do you take responsibility? By disgracefully shafting elected officials who had nothing to do with someone else’s madness. For once in your life, have the fucking decency to shut the fuck up, you crank-wanking tinfoil-haberdashing poltroon.

2. Nikki Fucking Haley. Instead of banning guns, racism, paranoia and bullshit about “chemtrails”, let’s ban Black Biker Week instead! Because, as everyone knows, the most dangerous person in the world is a black guy vrooming around on a Harley.

3. Jeff Fucking Miller. If only this dinosaur could go extinct along with all the ones that kacked when that meteor hit the Earth. Sigh.

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4. George Fucking Will. Because being assaulted and then slut-shamed for it is such a fucking privilege. Jesus H. Christ. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

5. Fredrick Fucking Tennyson Fucking Davis. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how absurd it is to be masturbating with a cucumber in one hand and your dong in the other. IN A LIBRARY. But hey! It wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one real life wanker, right?

6. David Fucking Cerna. Cops planting hidden cameras are suspect at the best of times. And at the worst of times? Well, they’re kind of like this one, who thought it would be good for shits ‘n’ giggles to make videos of strangers using a public toilet.

7. Ted Fucking Galatis. Stand yer ground! And the best way to do that is to hurl the N-word at random!

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8. Elizabeth Fucking Wurtzel. You and the pope have one thing in common, dear: Neither of you has kids. And a second thing, too: Neither of you has any business telling others they SHOULD have kids.

9. Connie Fucking Trube. Oh noes, there are black people on the local school board! The horror! The HORROR!!!

10. Shawn Fucking Ryan Fucking Thomas. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how monstrously perverted this guy is for trying to peddle DVDs of himself raping a 9-year-old…and trying to kill her and her family, too. Bonus: He’s a Florida Man! You just know a week wouldn’t go by without one of THEM having a particularly grotesque wank…

11. Thad Fucking Cochran. And meanwhile, in other wankish news from the Deep South, there’s this ol’ donkey-bonker. Who apparently thinks it’s quite normal for boys to have their first “sexual” experiences with farm animals. Well, maybe for right-wing nutters it is. Everyone else, however, just thinks you’re a putz if you have to resort to that.

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12. Doug Fucking Ford. The PC party doesn’t “need” an enema, it IS one. Always up your ass and covered in shit, that is. And Robbo is a “social NDPer”? Um, NO. Just because he smokes crack don’t make him a socialist. Actually, socialists are the LEAST likely to do any of the shit he’s done.

13. Jim Fucking Keegstra. How many rural Albertan yokels are racist Klukers and neo-Nazis today because they passed through his schoolroom as kids? Oh well, he’s dead now. Still good for a posthumous listing, though, because he never had the decency to admit that he was deliberately warping impressionable young minds by teaching Holocaust denialism — and even dared to claim it was his “free speech” right to do so. Ding, dong, Jimbo…I hope your views go to the grave with you.

14. Robert Fucking Fisher. Newsflash: Kathleen Wynne’s same-sex relationship is not a “lifestyle choice”. Being gay is not a “lifestyle choice” either. You’re thinking of her previous marriage, the one where she was hitched to a man.

15. Brent Fucking Bruwelheide. When your girlfriend refuses to kiss you goodnight, you can do one of two things: Respect her wishes, or break up. You’ll notice that beating her up and trying to strangle her to death with an electrical cord are NOT on that list.

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16. Rick Fucking Perry. Being gay is like being an alcoholic? Well then, Crotch, I guess that makes you a closet drunk. Come on out of there already…the mothball vapors have clearly gone to your head!

17. John Fucking McCain. Because prisoner swapping is only ever right when Repugs do it!

18. Adam Fucking Kokesh. Wingnut who inspired other wingnuts to kill cops at random before offing themselves has the nerve to paint them — and by extension, himself — as “victims”. Excuse me, but they stalked those cops and attacked them from behind. They publicized their intentions all over the place, too. How fucking clueless does one have to be in order to be a flibbertigibbertarian, these days?

19. Jim Fucking Sanders. Carrying your gun around town because you don’t want to pay your traffic tickets and get your suspended licence back? Yeah, that’ll really convince ’em that you’re mentally fit to drive again! Also, no, you are NOT “sovereign”, nor are you an expert at what laws are “lawful”; you’re just an idiot who can’t drive and thinks that throwing tantrums is an adequate response to penalties against your incompetence. Pay up, shut up, and go the fuck home.

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20. Nichole Fucking Reed. It’s never a wankapedia without Florida Man…and his equally wacky female counterpart, Florida Woman. And what could be more wankish than stuffing $11.99 worth of lobster tails down one’s incredibly ugly pants in the hopes of trading them for either Chinese takeout or Dilaudid, you’re not sure which?

21. Alonzo Fucking Liverman. And speaking of bad trades, how about a salad for a BJ? No? Too rich for your blood, huh?

22. and 23. David Fucking Brat and Zachary Fucking Werrell. Would it surprise you greatly to know that the leading “Ayn Rand scholar” who upset Eric Cantor has an idiot for a campaign manager? And that he’s quite the moron himself? No? Oh good. Me neither!

24. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Non-Christians going to an imaginary burny place is “good news”? And a liberal pastor is not a real Christian? Oh, the ironies just write themselves, don’t they.

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25. Lou Fucking Dobbs. My gawd, His Barackness really does have the most extraordinary powers, doesn’t he? And quick, somebody inform the governments of Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador, etc., that they’re in a shady secret alliance with that black guy in the White House. I’m sure they’ll be wondering when the hell THAT happened.

26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yup, HER again. She just won’t go away! But she’s right about one thing: Elizabeth Warren is indeed not a populist. Populists are only out to get as many votes from dumb yokels as they can. Warren appeals to voters’ intelligence, not their stupidity. So congrats, Michie, on for once getting something right. And savor it while you can, folks, because she’ll be back to Teh Stoopid in 3…2…1…

27. Tony Fucking Blair. Not content to fuck up Iraq when he had the chance, Dubya’s Poodle now thinks the anglosphere should do the same to Syria. I have a better idea, Toady…how about you just go fuck yourself?

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28. Bryan Fucking Hughes. No, “reparative therapy” doesn’t work. Being gay is not a disease, and therefore no therapy is needed. But hey! Thanks again for reminding us that everything’s big in Texas…especially the dumbth.

29. Scott Fucking Esk. What are you trying to do, Oklahoma…give Texas a run for its money in terms of hatred, bigotry and Teh Stoopid? Jeez.

30. Hillary Fucking Clinton. How the hell do two Ivy League-educated lawyers manage to get flat-ass broke, so they just HAVE to hit that lucrative paid-speaking circuit? I don’t know, but she claims she and Bill were. Couldn’t afford to keep their law licences current, could they? How about selling one of those heavily mortgaged houses? That thought didn’t occur? Wow.

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And finally, to all the antivaxxers out there. Congratulations! You have a whooping cough epidemic to answer for in California, and on the other side of the continent, a mother gone paranoid thanks to her new wingnut boyfriend, who now refuses to vaccinate her daughter, or send her to school…or even let her see her own father. And the woman’s own mother says the father would be the better custodial parent, which should really tell you something, shouldn’t it? Yeah, it should. But are you listening? Nooooo. Too busy babbling discredited bullshit about autism…STILL. Enjoy your plague, you ratbastards. Because it doesn’t look like it’s going to end any time soon.

Good night, and get fucked!

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