Wankers of the Week: War Cup edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s everyone doing in advance of tomorrow’s big game? Me, I’m not feeling it much. Too busy thinking of the current assault on Gaza, sorry. And these people, too, aren’t helping:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. No, he’s not homophobic. He has a disease! A disease that turned him into the lone person on Toronto city council to sit down during a standing ovation for World Pride, and conspicuously shitty-acting every time LGBTs are the subject of conversation. Pity him for his disease! PS: Oh surpriiiise! It looks like Robbo is not as “recovering” as he makes himself out to be. I guess being disruptive in rehab is also a disease, now?

2. Doug Fucking Ford. And of course, whenever Tweedledum manifests yet another obnoxious and antisocial aspect of his disease, there’s Tweedledee, with the broom and dustpan, covering his ass yet again. A pity that they don’t make brooms or dustpans big enough to do the job!

3. Bob Fucking Marier. Meanwhile, Robbo’s “sobriety coach” (didn’t know there was such a thing!) sounds just like Robbo himself…in short, a perfect candidate for anger management.

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4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Quitbull, please leave the plucky-battered-woman act to actual plucky battered women. You are none of that.

5. Jesse Fucking Watters. OMG, there are GAY people in the Pride parade! Merciful Jesus, whatever next — women in the feminist movement? No, wait, that was last week!

6. Robin Fucking Thicke. Time to pack it in, O talentless hack. Not only is your soon-to-be-ex-wife not buying, neither are music fans!

7. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Gotta love those “pro-life” so-called Christians. They can’t seem to see the cognitive dissonance between their pro-natalist views…and their views that gays would be better off killed because they “mislead” children. Um, no…actually, the misleaders of children are the ones who preach hatred and intolerance, and the idea that gays should be killed!

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8. Theresa Fucking Santai-Gaffney. No, you do not get to say who gets married and who does not. Your job is to file the paperwork, and if you can’t do that job, then step aside for someone else who can.

9. Bob Fucking Frey. Christ, learn some science! No, sperm enzymes do NOT cause AIDS. If they did, all guys, including yourself, would have the disease already, or else a great gaping maggot-eaten hole where their testicles currently are. For the umpteenthousandth time, a VIRUS causes AIDS. And in your case, I’d say this endless obsession with gay sex has eaten a gaping, maggoty hole in your brain.

10. Nicholas Fucking Lord. So, threatening a fellow US Navy sailor with rape (allegedly while drunk) is “super awesome”? Yeah, I’m sure the brig is looking real nice this time of year. And since when is the Delayed Entry Program a “feminist page”? Since, oh, about NEVER. It’s a RECRUITMENT page, dumbfuck. And trolling is not exactly conduct becoming…

11. Larry Fucking Page. So, when machines replace us all, it’ll be just like vacation, eh? Yeah…complete with eviction and starvation! Let’s start with you and see how you like it, eh?

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12. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh noes, rainbow wrappers on Burger King’s Whoppers! Quick, Robin, to the Chick-fil-Hatemobile!

13. Matthew Fucking Leber. If your eyesight is so poor that you can’t tell an Adidas soccer shirt apart from a prayer rug, it’s time to pack up your border patrol goon squad and slink home with tails between legs. Could you do it now, please?

14. Chris Fucking Davis. And speaking of border patrol goon squads slinking home with tails between legs, here is a prime case in point. Operation Clusterfuck…mission accomplished!

15. Kendall Fucking Jones. Christ, what is it with blond twits thinking that it’s “conservation” to kill beautiful African animals for sport this week?

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16. Axelle Fucking DeSpiegelaere. Christ, what is it with blond twits thinking that it’s “conservation” to kill beautiful African animals for sport this week?

17. Mike Fucking Dickinson. Christ, what is it with sexist idiots thinking it’s okay to cyberstalk and threaten #15, even if she IS a fucking twit? Jeez, dude, be better than that!

18. Tony Fucking Abbott. So, Australia was “unsettled” before Whitey showed up, eh? Well, there’s just one thing to say to that:

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YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG, MATE!

19, 20, 21 and 22. Chuck Fucking Schumer, Bob Fucking Menendez, Kelly Fucking Ayotte, and Lindsey Fucking Graham. Hooray, let’s all support Israel as it embarks on its latest flimsy pretext for stealing Palestinian land and murdering Palestinian people! How fucking holy and righteous is that?

23. Moshe Fucking Feiglin. And speaking of murdering Palestinians, how about the deputy speaker of the Knesset and his oh-so-heroic desire to see Gaza Palestinian kidney patients die for lack of dialysis? Yeah, Numbers 19 through 22, this is what you’re supporting. Feel heroic yet?

24. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. And further to the above: A pretty face don’t make no pretty heart, as Robert Palmer once famously sang. This bitch is utterly ugly from the inside, and sooner or later, that’s gonna leave tracks on her face. Just give it time.

25. John Fucking Huggins. Pro tip: You say you want a revolution? Well, you know, you gotta have a popular movement behind you. Otherwise, you ain’t nothin’ but a wild-eyed cop-killing terrorist jackwagon. And, sadly, the “Don’t Tread On Me” contingent are NOT a popular movement.

And finally, to these fucking ghouls right here:

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Watching the bombing of Gaza from Sderot, and applauding every time a bomb goes boom. You people represent everything that’s wrong with Israel. And of course, you’re fucking PROUD of it. Because when you’ve got nothing else, there’s always bloodlust, right?

Good night, and get fucked!

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