Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s your silly season been treating you? Mine’s been a hoot so far. I’m laughing like a loon on nitrous oxide. And here’s who’s got me in stitches this week, in no particular order:
2. Peter Fucking Steinmetz. Oh look, it’s another good guy with a gun! No, false alarm…it’s just another open-carry gunsucker scaring the piss out of the public by toting his penis compensator all the way to Phoenix’s international airport just so he can buy coffee with the damn thing on him to prove some utterly worthless point. And pointing it at other people. Good job convincing us you’re really to be trusted with that thing, dude.
3. Chip Fucking Beeker. God didn’t put coal in Alabama; the Carboniferous Period did. But good job trying to convince us that God wants exploitation and pollution there, dude.
4. Kathy Fucking Weppner. Ever notice how racism and hatred makes a person ugly? This woman is fucking hideous. And she’s also not very good at English. Get away from our border, bitch!
5. Justine Fucking Tunney. Which side is she on: Occupy, or the 1%? The fact that she went from the one to the other, complete with a confused mishmash of various assorted shit, tells me she belongs on the side managed by the men in the white coats. Anyone who suggests, with no hint of a sarcasm tag, that corporatists should rule the land, is clearly not fit to be out on the streets.
6. John Fucking Podhoretz. Shut up and sing! Where the fuck have I heard that before? Ugh. It’s got no beat and you can’t dance to it. Maybe YOU should shut up instead, John.
7. Alexsandro Fucking Palombo. Princess Jasmine as a “Hamas terrorist”? I hope Disney sues your ass for that ugly bit of appropriation, dude. And I hope they kick it all the way to occupied Palestine.
8. Rick Fucking Santorum. Newsflash: Single moms have always existed. And polygamists are just as anti-gay as Buttsploodge here. And a lot of them are probably just as much in the closet, too. (Not that the queers want him to come out, ever. He can stay in there, rotting among the mothballs.)
9. Justin Fucking Bieber. Even though he swung at the little shit and missed (gawd, how drunk does one have to be?), I’m squarely on Team Legolas here. Frankly, Thuggy Doo is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’. And I hope he gets it. If not from Orlando Bloom, then someone.
10. Brian Fucking Judy. For the umpteen thousandth time: Hitler was NOT a gun-controller. He put guns in the hands of German kids, fergawdsakes. And what’s with your fucking antisemitism? Idiot.
11. John Fucking Beattie. An old man stuck in the past? Yes. Harmless? Fuck, no. Not if he’s running for office and he’s never really left the Nazi party…and certainly not if he’s gonna wax all rhapsodic about living in an “all-white town”.
12. David-Seth Fucking Kirshner. So, if you’re a Palestinian, and you vote for hamas, Israel has “a right to kill you”? That’s rich…especially considering that Israel created Hamas to divide and conquer Palestine in the first place.
13. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Shorter: Apples are bad, but oranges are worse! If you think that means that Donkey Dawkins endorses apples, go away and don’t come back until you learn how to logic! Meanwhile, I’m wondering what orifice he pulled that “endorsement” shit from. Probably the same place where he got “mild pedophilia” from.
14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, getting KO’d is “worth a hit to the jaw” if your fiancé is famous? Well, now he’s famous for all the WRONG reasons. Just like the Pigman.
15. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. No, the youngs don’t need “beta marriages”. They’ve already got cohabitation. If it doesn’t work out, they don’t get married for realzies. Say, wasn’t this already done a generation ago? Two, even? Man, are YOU behind the times. Also, please spare us the gross details of your five marriages (four failed, one about to), and above all, spare us the “insight” that a woman’s only marital worth is her “youth”. If we have an expiry date, so do you men. And you’re long past it — I’ve seen your shirtless selfie. Ugh. Even at my advancing age, that’s a gross-out.
16. Dennis Fucking Bonnen. In Texas, they speak English, Spanish…and Fucking Bigot. Guess which one is HIS mother tongue.
17. Bob Fucking Dowlut. How interesting that the NRA’s chief ideologue, and one of the key architects of its hard-right turn, turns out to be a murderer. Gee, what are the fucking odds?
18. Mark Fucking Lewis. Yo no quiero Taco Bell. That is all.
19. Tom Fucking Foley. Mandatory sick leave is an “anti-business” policy? And forcing workers to work while sick isn’t? What a strange little man you are, guvnor.
20. Yochanan Fucking Gordon. “When Genocide is Permissible”? NEVER. Not even when YOU do it. It’s fascism no matter who does it, you fucking putz.
21. Steven Fucking Blaney. No, gun ownership is NOT a right in Canada. It’s a privilege, same as car ownership. And it is just as subject to revocation if you use it to commit a crime. Or in your case, a criminal piece of Second Amendment stupidity.
22. Michael VanWagener. Yeah, go ahead and LOL about driving drunk, crashing your car and killing a 16-year-old. Go on. I dare you.
23. John Fucking Balyo. Surprise! Every time you turn over the anti-gay rock, a pedophile who molests boys pops out. What are the odds?
24. Ken Fucking Ham. Shoot, why spend money wisely on a search for the truth in space when you can blow it on “creation museums” propagating a myth right here on the geocentric middle of the Universe?
25. Kyle Fucking Trasker. Why do white people not have their own congressional caucus? Because they’re the ruling class already, stupid. And apparently, stupid white people just can’t seem to stop sticking their fingers into everything, including what’s none of their damn business. (And no, liking rap music doesn’t make you an honorary black person.)
26. Sandra Fucking McLaughlin. And speaking of stupid white people, this one’s a judge. What diploma mill graduated this racist dipshit, anyway?
27. James Fucking Inhofe. You can deny man-made climate change all you like, but you’re not exempt from its effects. Even if your mind does live on another fucking planet altogether.
28. Liz Fucking Cheney. Shorter: It’s patriotic to lie about torture and keep it a secret! Torture is patriotic, but a country knowing about it and using its free speech rights to protest and stop it is not! Honesty is a disgrace! Benghazi!!!
29. Grover Fucking Norquist. He’s planning on attending Burning Man? Why? It’s not like he’s not already looped out of his skull on the weirdest drugs around. Oh well, here’s hoping that someone “accidentally” shuts him inside the giant effigy to be torched at festival’s end, Wicker Man style.
30. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Nice of her to be so concerned about unaccompanied refugee children. Oh wait…what am I saying? She’s only “concerned” about them insofar as she can use them to score political points in a game only she is playing, laying accusations of things that are only happening in her own largely empty head.
And finally, to the Fucking IDF. You racist bastards couldn’t hold what was supposed to be a three-day ceasefire for more than two hours? AND you chose to bomb the al-Shifa Hospital, of all places? That’s fucking pathetic. And it just goes to show you had no intention of holding your fire at all. Yeah, tell us that your invasion of Gaza isn’t a massive fucking land grab. We’ll believe you…in a pig’s ass.
Good night, and get fucked!