Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s wankapedia is dedicated to the immortal Robin Williams — not because he was a wanker himself (furthest thing from it!), but because he inspired me to spot the ironies and idiocies of the wankers all around me, and to point the finger and laugh out loud. The man was so great that even Koko the talking gorilla mourns him. I will, and DO, miss him terribly. And this week, the finger points at the following, who richly deserve someone to satirize them the way Robin Williams would have:
1. Shepherd Fucking Smith. Much as it pains me to list the guy who came closest to being FUX Snooze’s one voice of reason, I’m doing it this week…because of the simple fact that suicidality is NOT cowardice. Anyone who hasn’t lived with the pain that drives others to the edge has no business pronouncing on it as if it were a simple choice, much less one of moral weakness. I expect better of news anchors, no matter their channel. Shame on you, Shep!
2. Chris Fucking Fields. Trying to score political points off the death of a great actor whose work touched so many of those “real people” you claim to represent is just about as cheap and low as you can go. But by all means, double down. Keep scraping. You’ll get through the bottom of that barrel yet, and before you know it, you’ll be well on your way to China!
3. George Fucking Brandis. You know, if you’re going to surveil the Internets, shouldn’t you also be a regular user of them, familiar with the terminology and technology at hand? And if you’re not — what the hell are you even doing in government, much less overseeing Australian security operations in the capacity of Attorney General?
4. Dennis Fucking Roszell. Nudity on the beach is “terrorism”, now? Where the hell do they hide the weapons — up their bums? And even assuming that some of them are there to hook up (which is actually against most nude beaches’ rules) — so what? That’s not terrorism, either!
5. Teresa Fucking Caputo. Real spirit mediums do exist, but they don’t generally go on TV with it (or wear dated, tacky hairdos and Louboutins!). Nor do they make pots of money off the bereaved. As we Wiccans so often say, “silver spoils the gift”.
6. Douglas Fucking Leguin. Yet another “sovereign” shittizen tries to ambush the police. Luckily, they sussed him out and he’s now under arrest. When can we finally start calling these assholes terrorists?
7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, Rusty, Robin Williams did NOT kill himself because he was a “political leftist” who was “never happy”. He died of clinical depression, which is an ailment of the nervous system, not of someone’s politics. And he is a far greater loss to the world than you will ever be, you ignorant fucking Pigman, so SHUT THE FUCK UP. PS: Ha, ha!
8. Randy Fucking Baumgardner. And while we’re on the topic of ignorant fucks, how about this one? He seems to think that the Injuns burned methane-infused water to keep “warm in the wintertime”. Um, no, they didn’t. “Firewater” was just their word for alcohol. And, like fracking chemicals, it was strictly a white man’s poison.
9. Bill Fucking Bennett. Why?
That’s why. All those political donations from the same mining company responsible for Mount Polley must have gotten stuck in his eyes.
10. Enrique Fucking Peña Fucking Nieto. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid he is for confusing Robin Williams (deceased, brilliant comic actor) with Robbie Williams (still living, British pop singer). And just think, he’s an actual fucking president. ¡México merece mejor!
11. Keith Fucking Ablow. No, Michelle Obama is not fat, and no, she doesn’t need to drop anything…unless maybe it’s a brick on this idiot’s obese head.
12. Gary Fucking Kiehne. Somehow, it’s only fitting that a big prick be photobombed by…what else? A big prick. On a horse. Ha, ha.
13. Jeff Fucking Beltz. WWJD? Somehow, I doubt very much that he’d have hit Mary Magdalene, let alone hard enough to break her glasses.
14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. If you ever needed proof that pickup “artists” are fucking idiots when it comes to women, look no further than The Fucking Idiot Also Known as Roosh V. He seems to think that every woman who’s ever lived on her own, worked for a living and attended post-secondary education is some kind of heinous slut. Someone, in short, just like he fancies himself to be…only, in a woman, that’s not good. As if it were any better in a man. And such a skeevy man, at that. PS: RrrrrEEEEOWRrrrrrr! That’s right, Rooshie…get nasty with your fellow misodges of both sexes. Feminists love it when you guys bash each other; it saves us a shitload of work.
15. Gene Fucking Simmons. In case you needed one more reason to despise him, here it is. He wants all you mentally ill suicidal people out there to just kill yourselves. Proper response to someone who says that? YOU FIRST, ASSHOLE.
16. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Hey, conversion therapy really does work — this anti-gay lobbywank’s wife realized she didn’t have to spend her whole life unhappy because of some dumb dogma, and left him for a woman! Ha, ha.
17. Catherine Fucking Nardi. Why?
That’s why. Cops are killing unarmed black guys, the victimhood is pretty indisputable, the police ARE out of control, and yet somehow, to an old white lady with long yellow teeth, blacks are the “feral” ones. And you wonder why they’re protesting? You can quit wondering now. PS: No, she’s not the top cop’s wife. She’s just some random asshole from Florida. But hey, she wrote that, so she’s still fair game for a listing here.
18. Michael Fucking Sona. After the big federal election theft of 2011, only one person is going to jail — a lowly staffer linked to some crappy robocalls. For a mere 5 years, probably with time off for good behavior. Anyone besides me getting the feeling that it’s My Lai all over again?
19. Graeme Fucking McEachern. Speaking of blasts from the past: Look, a Red Scare! Boogaboogabooga-ahOOGA!!!
20. Michelle Fucking Duggar. For the thousand-millionth time: Trans women are not men. And treating them the same as you would any other women won’t get your daughters sexually abused. On the other hand, I’m not sure that being a Quiverfull home-schooler with an awful mullet hairdo and a stupid “reality” show isn’t a truly heinous form of child abuse, particularly for the eldest daughters.
22. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Women carrying Down’s Syndrome fetuses are morally obligated to abort and “try again”? Pro-choice FAIL, Dick. Nobody is morally obligated to do anything except support a woman’s right to decide if she’s up for the difficulties of raising a special-needs child…and to support her decision, whichever way it goes. Anything else would be immoral.
23. Jonathan Fucking Koppenhaver. So, the (now-captured) fugitive MMA fighter, who beat and kicked the shit out of his ex-girlfriend (whom he himself dumped) for just hanging out with a male friend, thinks that marriage is worse than what the Nazis did to the Jews? And he’s all whiny on his crappy blog because the world isn’t as amenable to his “Alpha Male shit” as he would like? Congratulations, Menz Rightzers. This one’s all yours. PS: And the same goes for his nasty, ugly, stinking ass barnacles on the tweeter, too.
24. Sunil Fucking Dutta. Holding cops accountable is not grounds for shooting anyone. Citizens not only have a perfect right to record police brutality as it happens, they have a moral duty to do so. And to complain about it, and publish it as widely as they can, so that the police department, if it is honorable, can put a stop to the bad cops. And if you object to the citizenry doing that, what does that make you? An apologist for brutality…right up to and including police-committed MURDER. Good cops don’t go there, bud.
25. Paul Fucking Coakley. If a Black Mass isn’t being celebrated in your church, why should you care what a bunch of silly Satanists are up to, much less lower yourself beneath even their level of silliness? Jesus H. Christ.
26. Rick Fucking Perry. Well, hey howdy! Looks like Crotch Goodhair has got himself in a mess of trouble, now. And he can’t even exercise his gun-nuttery rights, because thanks to his indictment, he no longer has any. Ha, ha!
27. Michael Fucking Pappert. So, it’s the protesters in Ferguson who are the “rabid dogs”? Nuh-unh. They’re not the ones who have all the military hardware, and they’re not the ones frothing at the mouth with xenophobia and racism, either.
28. Tamara Fucking Scott. How the hell do children become “highly trained warriors”, much less an invading army set to take over the US from Mexico? Hell if I know, and hell if she knows, either. But now that she’s dropped this golden turd, who’s gonna try and prove her correct? Bueller?
29. Dan Fucking Page. This one’s a multiple-level wanker: First for interfering with a journalist’s attempt to report what’s going on in Ferguson, and then for his racist rant — which explains a lot, since both the journalist and the protesters he’s out to suppress are black. Oh yeah, and some “equal opportunity” bullshit, too. If I had all night, I’d keep a running tally of the wanks this one’s racking up. Alas, I don’t, so go read the link if you wanna know more.
30. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Well, well. Looks like Hipster Pastor (the Hipstor? I kill me…) is in Limbaugh Land. And a Limbaugh-load of trouble with his own parishioners and church hierarchy, too. Ha, ha.
31. Ronda Fucking Bass. Do only girls commit dress-code violations in schools anymore? It would appear so. Otherwise, there’d be a lot of saggy-pantsed boys getting suspensions too; after all, the sight of a dude’s underwear above his waistband is distracting as hell. So, who’s the skank here again? YOU are. And so’s anyone else who subscribes to these inane, sexist double standards.
32. Martha Fucking Dreher. Epic babysitting FAIL. That is all.
33. Daniel Fucking Holtzclaw. Well, here’s a switcheroo in a week replete with racist cops: How about a SEXIST one, who raped at least six women on the job? Yeah, they exist too. How nice!
34. Gary Fucking McCoy. Nobody is “looting” in memory of Mike Brown. And 60-inch plasma TVs are fucking passé. But thanks a lot for your racist toon; it tells the world all it needs to know about what kind of person YOU are. And that person is an asshole with a shitty body of work, who shouldn’t have a publishing platform anymore.
35. David Fucking Horowitz. Isn’t it rich how far Davey has come since his days as a white poser with the Black Panthers? Yes, it is. And he’s still making bank off his own racism, too. Time to pull the plug on the money machine, folks.
36. Mitsutoki Fucking Shigeta. If you thought the Octomom was not mentally fit to become a parent, wait till you meet this dude. He’s been dubbed a “baby factory” because he’s spreading his seed around with reckless abandon. He’s already churned out 16 babies via surrogates, including four sets of twins. And those are just the ones we know about. His ambition is to keep ’em coming (even freezing his sperm for future use), so that they’ll vote for him in some future election. Somehow, I doubt that’s going to happen. He doesn’t exactly sound like a loving parent, much less a viable political candidate.
37. Steve Fucking King. So, all the Missouri “rioters” are “of the same continental origin”, but racial profiling isn’t a problem? Um, yeah. Riiiight. And in other news, all the thugs doing the real oppressing and terrorizing down there have the same continental origins, too. But they’re NOT black, so they won’t get more than a slap on the wrist at the very most. See how that works?
38. William Fucking McDaniel. Surprise! Strippers aren’t prostitutes. It’s not their JOB to have sex with you. It doesn’t matter what you paid for the privilege, you don’t get to call the cops on a woman who won’t put out. But thanks for showing just what a prize idiot a boner can make of a man. (And to the club owners: Why DO you have those fucking “VIP” and “champagne” back rooms, anyway? If you’re not running brothels, you shouldn’t act like you are.)
39. Joshua Fucking Delong. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here you all go. This one left his kids in the car while he went drinking, and wound up getting the shit beaten out of him for it…by the other drinkers. You know you’re a real wanker when THAT happens.
40. Jim Fucking Hagedorn. So, female politicians are all “undeserving bimbos in tennis shoes”? Gee, Mr. Conservative, you’re a real fucking charmer yourself.
And finally, to all the fucking white shitpiles in Ferguson and elsewhere who are rallying around their racist, killer cops. Yes, you are indeed all Darren Fucking Wilson. The question is, why would you want to be the worst man in town — not only a racist, but a liar and a chickenshit coward who won’t even show his face, probably because he didn’t sustain the injuries he claims to have received from the black kid he killed for no good fucking reason at all? You dumbfucks think you live in fear? Try being BLACK in a town with all white cops.
And oh yeah, your “reasons” and justifications for the fucked-up situation you’re in don’t cut any ice with me, either. It’s 2014. The Civil War is over by more than a century and a half. The South LOST. The civil-rights movement WON. It’s been sixty years since Jim Crow. There are no more fucking excuses for any of this. Yet you’re still making them. At long last, have you assholes no goddamn SHAME? PS: Ha, ha.
Good night, and get fucked!