Wankers of the Week: The Other Ice Bucket Challenge

Crappy weekend, everyone! Have you all done the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise money for research into Lou Gehrig’s disease yet? No? Well, don’t worry. I may not have your hundred dollars, but I got your ice-cold showers right here, baby:

1. Rajesh Fucking Kumar. Welp, looks like what everyone was expecting to happen, did. The Menz Rightz “movement” has officially embraced and endorsed the “Alpha Male shit” sausage factory that is Jonathan Koppenhaver, a.k.a. War Machine, a.k.a. that washed-up MMA fighter who damn near killed Christy Mack. Women are now worse than Nazis, and men more persecuted than Jews. Also, the sky is green, the grass is blue, and bullshit is roses that don’t smell a bit like poo-poo.

2. Dean Fucking Esmay. Oh wait, hold the phone. The OTHER Abusers’ Lobby has officially attempted to distance itself from said Koppenhaver. Onaccounta no true Scotsman, or some such fallacy. Um, yeah.

3. Warren Fucking Kinsella. Memory holes: Not for Big Brother anymore. Ingsoc lives…among Liberal strategists, anyway. And boy, do I feel sorry for anyone who’d keep this one as theirs. Glad he’s not Olivia Chow’s problem anymore!

4. Megyn Fucking Kelly. FUX Snoozers can always be counted on to blather about “race-baiting”, whatever that’s supposed to mean (I suspect it’s wingnutspeak for “black people refusing to take racist shit”). But then they try to do it themselves…with a black preacher who’s not having any of their shit. Racist bait: NOT TAKEN.

5. Christine Fucking Lagarde. Corruption? Qu’est-ce que c’est? The IMF does not engage in such things! Except of course it does. All major global financial institutions do. It’s just taken this long for Karma to catch up to it. And now Karma has. And of course, Karma’s a bitch.

6 and 7. Steve Fucking Doocy and Linda Fucking Chavez. Mike Brown wasn’t unarmed…he was armed with his…um…BRAWN! His brown brawn. Yeah, that’s it. And no, that’s totally NOT racist.

8. Pat Fucking Robertson. Cthulhu must be getting awfully hungry by now, with all the asinine things Patwa has said this week. But really…Robin Williams? He’s not around to defend himself from these ridiculous accusations. How Christian, to pick on a dead man. Jesus must be puking his guts out.

9. Des Fucking Hague. Thanks a lot for proving every bad thing we ever suspected about crapitalist CEOs to be absolutely true. Kicking puppies is pretty damn fucking low. Blaming the dog won’t help, either.

10. Vicki Fucking McKenna. How ironic is it that one of the biggest right-wing cop-cheerleaders was once in an altercation with police herself — and it’s all a matter of public record? Hell, I can see that the anarchist in me has a lot of catching up to do when it comes to these fascist hypocrites…

11. Rob Fucking Schneider. No, you don’t have proof that the CDC did anything. Conspiracy websites are notorious for being short on hard evidence, remember?

12. Gary Fucking Busey. I don’t know if he’s just senile, or if he’s always been skeevy, but really: hitting on Courtney Stodden? Dude, ugh. Just UGH.

13. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Oh look, it’s that tired old War on Christmas trope yet again. Seems it comes earlier every year, and the only thing it ever proves is that smug devout religionists are nauseating.

14. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Why?

That’s why. Pot, keep calling that kettle black.

15. Peter Fucking MacKay. Yeah, there goes our so-called justice minister, wanking his puny dick off again. This time by wearing a pro-gun-nut shirt, touting a push to legalize all semi-autos, at a Con fundraiser. I guess the Montréal Massacre hasn’t taught this stupid motherfucker a goddamn thing. You know what to do in the next election, folks: VOTE THE FUCKERS OUT.

16. Will Fucking Hayden. And in other ammosexual news, looks like this “Son of a Gun” has been charged with the rape of his own daughter. At age 11. Maybe his gun is not the only weapon he needs to have confiscated.

17. Pamela Fucking Geller. ISIS is a GODDESS, you IDIOTESS. ISIL, on the other hand, is a far more accurate term for the terrorist militia that the US and Israel both have got blowing back in their collective faces right now. But trust a shitblogger of the far right not to get that fine distinction.

18. Stephen Fucking Joel Fucking Trachtenberg. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how fucked-up it is that some people STILL don’t realize that rape isn’t caused by women drinking, it’s caused by men raping. And that this happens to women whether they’ve been drinking or not. But hey! Even if he doesn’t have the smarts or the grace to be embarrassed by his own stoopid, at least his successor is. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

19. Susan Fucking Patton. Yes, that’s right, the idiotic Princeton Mom is in the news again. This time, for slamming an alumna’s sugar-baby film Kickstarter. Not that there’s nothing wrong with the whole sugar-daddy arrangement (there’s plenty; my thoughts on that and other related matters, in case you care, are here), but it’s kind of hypocritical, considering that Patton is a big booster of the whole “marry young, marry well” archaism that a lot of educated women, including Princeton alumnae, have outgrown long since.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. Not only is he bat guano, but he got a bunch of high school football players to roll in goose guano. Yeah, that’s right: slimy, green, stinking shit. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to rub his nose in some of that!

21. John Fucking Baird. How’s it feel to be schooled in geography by a bunch of Russkies at NATO, eh Squealer? You gigantic fucking idiot. How did you get to be foreign minister again? You know nothing about external politics at all!

22. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. And speaking of schooled: How’s it feel to have a real doctor shoot down your bullshit “concerns” about Central American refugee children as vectors of contagious disease? Ha, ha.

23. Ralph Fucking Hudgens. Whatsamatter, Ralphie…afraid of a little critical journalism? Well, don’t worry. Just because you got your goons to strong-arm a lady reporter out of there, doesn’t mean that she isn’t going to get a strong signal boost…starting right here!

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, Jesus isn’t magic, and he’s not keeping the Universe from flying apart. It is expanding, and there ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about that. Ha, ha.

25. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. No, marriage isn’t magic, and it doesn’t have the power to protect women against rape. There’s only one way to do that, and that is to make men stop raping women. Including their wives. And marriage doesn’t protect against that, either!

26. John Fucking Goodman. Ah yes, another case of conservative family values gone oh, SO wrong. Funny how this sort of thing always seems to happen to rabid right-wingers. Must be all those gay couples getting gay married that’s doing it to them!

27. Ray Fucking Albers. Go fuck yourself…right out of a job. Ha, ha.

28 and 29. Lilia Fucking Ratmanski and Milana Fucking Musikante. The height of air-rage idiocy: Getting stinkingly drunk on the plane, smoking in the bathroom, setting off the fire alarm (because of course), and then getting into a brawl. Must have been some fight, because NORAD had to scramble two fighter jets to escort the diverted plane to the nearest airport. And the passengers erupted in cheers when these two idiots were hustled off.

30. Sandy Fucking Rios. Men are “more degraded than women”? Uh-uh. Sounds like the only one brainwashed here is YOU, Sandy.

And finally, to all the death-threat senders on the Internets. Especially those who attacked Anita Sarkeesian (and David Futrelle). If you really want someone dead, why not just show up at their door in person with a gun, you cowardly motherfuckers? Not that I actually recommend that either. FYI, threatening violence is a crime, too. May you all get caught, and may it not go well for you when you do.

Good night, and get fucked!