Wankers of the Week: Sorry, Scotland.

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to all the good folks in Scotland, who didn’t get independence after a nail-biting down-to-the-wire vote. Mang, that was rough. And with such high turnout, too. Better luck next time, I hope. Meanwhile, for truly hopeless people who don’t deserve another chance, this week we have, in no particular order:

1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. “No sometimes means yes”, says the Pigman. Also, he says seduction was once an “art” that got lost when consent entered the picture. An art he clearly knows a great deal about, what with this three failed marriages (Marital Failure #4 still pending) and the fact that his favorite song is “Under My Thumb”, an unambiguous paean to sexist oppression. Oh yeah, and his amaaaaaazing body and full head of hair, too.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. “Blurred Lines”? Huh. More like “Slurred Whines”, amirite? But hey. This is Robin Fucking Thicke we’re talking about. A man who will literally say anything that he thinks will cover his sorry ass. And who just ends up hanging said ass further and further out there for the world to see…and point…and laugh at…and kick…

3. Gina Fucking Miller. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another right-wing nutteress who took time out from her busy schedule (bashing gays, etc.) to piss on other women for a change. Specifically, all those slutty slut-sluts who refuse to dress like church ladies, and therefore have it coming to them from the likes of Wankers #1 and #2.

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4. Sylvia Fucking Thompson. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another contrarian idiotess who thinks Ray Fucking Rice is the real victim of his own fist smashing his then-fiancée’s face. And that it was really him being dragged caveman-courtship-style out of that elevator too, no doubt.

5. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh, oh. What have we here? Randy Bachman doesn’t want Harpo using his song because it’s a total misrepresentation, and because the Cons have done nothing for musicians, only fucked them over? Let it roll down the highway…and b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-nothin’ yet!

6. Track Fucking Palin. As more and more details of Screech & Co.’s famous family brawl emerge, it turns out that the eldest of Screech and Tawd’s delinquent brood is the instigator. And that he instigated with a crude come-on directed at a couple of married women. Keep it classy, creep. PS: Special dishonorable mention to Mama Grisly herself for actually being proud of her stupid sprogs. Hey Screech, no one cares how good you dumbfucks are at brawling. Get a fucking life!

7. Jim Fucking Bakker. Yup, that’s right! Tammy Faye’s ex, he of the air-conditioned doghouses and the rape of his church secretary, is ba-ack…and selling “survivalist” kits to the gullible right-wing loons out there. Nice to know he hasn’t changed a bit since his glory days of PTL Club chicanery!

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8. David Fucking Manning. If he’s not in the closet, I’m a monkey’s aunt. He spends more time obsessing about gay people’s butts than they themselves do! Dave, come on out already. We have cookies!

9 and 10. Jordan Fucking Owen and Davis Fucking Aurini. Oh, surprise! Anita Sarkeesian was telling the truth about the death threats she received for doing nothing more than criticizing lazy, sexist tropes in video games. And now these two would-be documentarians, who so fondly dreamed of “exposing her lies”, are left with no legs to stand on, metaphorically speaking. Reality blew their pins out from under them. But that’s okay, they’ve still got stumps! And so ever onward they shuffle, trailing ribbons of metaphorical blood, declaring that they still have proof that their lies were true! You just can’t help but admire such dogged determination to make asses of themselves. When you’re not too busy snickering, that is.

11. John Fucking Tory. Nice to see that the guy who’s jockeying to replace Robbo in Frod Nation is just as open-minded as Robbo about queerfolks who dare to have an actually progressive opinion on Palestine. And nice to see that he’s willing to hold Pride hostage in order to silence QUAIA, too.

12. Michael Fucking Gayer. Why?

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That’s why. When your “war zone” is so placid that it might as well be a dead zone, you’re living in the fucking Twilight Zone.

13. Scott Fucking Lively. No, gay people are not trying to have you murdered. Actually, it’s the other way ’round. You’re the guy who backed all those “Kill the Queers” laws in Africa, remember? And the reason you’re not publishing your travel schedule ahead of time…well…it couldn’t have anything to do with being met by protesters wherever you go, now, could it?

14. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Awwww. Look who’s being forced to give up his tanks and assault weapons, due to incompetence. Those grapes sure are sour, aren’t they?

15. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Oh look, the world’s worst cattle rancher is blaming the state for his own stupid selfishness. He has no business even grazing his herds on public land, but that hasn’t put a dent in his chutzpah! He’s now planning to sue the woman who ran into one of his marauding cows after it got onto the public road. All hat, and nothing but dung inside the head…

16. Doug Fucking Ford. Robbo’s older (and even shadier) brother may have volunteered to take his place on the campaign trail with strange alacrity, but even stranger is the fact that he’s being taken seriously as a candidate when he was frankly shit-awful as a mere city council member. Time to end Frod Nation!

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17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Oh look, the Fartiste has just off-gassed again. And this time, it’s quite possibly the worst relationship advice ever, even from that notoriously faily little turd…all about on how to abuse your way into a woman’s heart. Little does he realize that the behaviors he’s claiming are foolproof, are actually foolproof ways to lose a woman for good!

18. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. From the Great One of the Edmonton Oilers, to gambling scandals and legendarily vapid idiot offspring, to this. Now he thinks Harpo is “one of the greatest prime ministers ever”? Well, now we know he wasn’t paying attention in social-studies class at school. Either that, or he took too many hits to the head.

19. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Yeah, look who’s talking about integrity. The world’s richest privacy invader and idea-stealer. That muffled ptmpf you just heard was my irony detector imploding. It tends to do that everytime Fuckerberg opens his mouth.

20. Clay Fucking Aiken. Vapid contestant from vapid game show airs vapid ideas about hacking victims deserving what they get. Gee, whatever will he say if someone digs up some embarrassing dirt on him, eh?

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And finally, to the Fucking Texas Court of Appeals. Wow, talk about a boner! They actually consider upskirt creepshots to be “free speech”, and the privacy rights of women and children to be Orwellian thoughtcrimes. And even more gobsmackingly, they came to this conclusion upon reviewing the case of a pedophile who took ooky shots of little kids at a public swimming pool. Don’t expect the Texas Legislature to do any better, though. Remember, it’s Texas, where everything’s big…including the fucking stoopid. It’s not Massachusetts, which smartly passed a new law one day after a similarly poor decision.

Good night, and get fucked!

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