Wankers of the Week: Hong Kong Phooey

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to the people of Hong Kong, who are clamoring for democracy for the first time in their collective history. Hope you folks get it, as both imperialism and (so-called) communism haven’t exactly done the job for you. I still remember how your brothers and sisters on the mainland tried in Tiananmen Square, a quarter of a century ago. Better luck this time, eh? And no luck at all to the following, who are definitely the authors of their own misfortune:

1. Camille Fucking Paglia. Hooray, the contrarian antifeminist idiotess has squawked up again. This time, it’s a mangled mess of stranger-danger clichés and slut-shaming arglebargle. If you go out into the woods, beware of the red glowing eyes…of wild Stoopid.

2. Vinny Fucking Minchillo. Yes, dear, we all know that Repugs are people. The problem is, they are deeply, darkly prejudiced and stupid people. A PR campaign won’t help them with that.

3. Steven Fucking Rhodes. If Detroit’s people have no right to water, then neither do you. Somebody, come quick and cut the judge’s pipes so he finally understands the enormity of the issue he just ruled on.

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4. Vinod Fucking Khosla. You know you’re way deep in the wrong when you force no less than the governor of California himself to come down and open the beach you’ve tried to close. Dude, you are not invincible. You cannot command the tides. Even King Knut couldn’t do that.

5. Terry Fucking Mahan. Oh, Florida Man! Oh, Florida Cop! What would a wank-list be without you and your endless paranoid stupidity?

6. Bob Fucking Zimmerman. And speaking of Florida Man, Florida (wannabe) Cop, and paranoid stupidity, how about Georgie-Porgie’s dad? Georgie’s now so fucking stupidly paranoid that he’s probably gonna go down shooting cops. And all because people won’t forget that he got away with murder the night he shot some innocent black kid for coming home from the convenience store with a can of tea and a bag of Skittles…

7 and 8. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Surprise! The Kochtopus has many tentacles. But it also has thin skin, and a lot of gas trapped inside it. Would sure be a shame if someone pricked it with a pin, eh? PS: Ha, ha.

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9. Jessa Fucking Duggar. Evolution caused the Holocaust! Abortion is just like the Holocaust, too! Figures that a Duggar would have such an unoriginal, idiotic “epiphany” at the Holocaust Museum, while blatantly ignoring the fact that it wasn’t “evolution”, it was CHRISTIAN ANTISEMITISM that’s really responsible. If you ever doubted that Quiverfull homeschooling makes you stupid, doubt no more. Because this “epiphany” is in fact one of their key dim-witted tenets. As is the one about the “Great Flood” causing fossils…again, WRONG. You don’t get hundreds of millions of years’ worth of evolutionary record in one forty-day fucking flood.

10. Kevin Fucking Williamson. And speaking of abortion, holocausts and Teh Stoopid: How about the National Review’s resident monster? He would rather see women hang for aborting a pregnancy than be allowed to go on living, let alone a normal life, possibly going on to have children later, or raising those they have already. He doesn’t care how many lives are destroyed or ruined, as long as women get punished for opposing “God’s will”! I guess this whole “sanctity of life” thing only applies to fetuses, eh?

11. John Fucking Devine. Since when is it the churches’ job to dictate to the state how to make laws? Since, oh, about NEVER. But thanks for reminding us yet again what a menace to society you right-wing theocrats all are.

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12. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. Why couldn’t Paul Calandra give a coherent answer to Thomas Mulcair’s questions last week in the House of Commons? Oh, maybe because Israel’s hasbara stooge on the Hill was feeding him a line of pro-Israel bullshit to spout as a distraction from Harpo’s plans to follow Dubya straight into disaster. Or maybe it’s because little Aly, like our next wanker, is an “Ethical Oil” booster with a right-wing agenda to tout. One question that I’m sure none of them can answer is this, though: WHY THE HELL IS ISIL NOT MENACING ISRAEL INSTEAD OF IRAQ AND SYRIA??? One would think that if they wanted a REAL Islamic Caliphate, Jerusalem would be the natural first stop, no?

13. Ezra Fucking Levant. How convenient that his media mouthpiece has apologized for him to the Trudeau family. Now the Putz won’t have to!

14. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Oh, now he’s trying to play the “Jews killed Jesus” bit off as a joke! Except, ha ha, the joke’s on him. That line is exactly what right-wing Christians of every stripe believe. And also too — it’s not fucking funny in the least.

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15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh, da poor widdle baybee. He actually has to wipe his own ass and clean boogers out of his nose just to be minimally unrepulsive to those (undoubtedly very beleaguered and hunted-looking) women he’s trying to pick up. No, I am NOT shitting you. Men who expect women to like their stinky skidmarks are an actual thing in the wankosphere!

16. George W. Fucking Bush. Sounds like Dubya’s miffed that His Barackness hasn’t called him on the fine art of War Preznitting. Awww, sniff, too bad!

17. Larry Fucking Craig. It seems like forever since he last took that wide stance. And yet, it hasn’t been nearly long enough. Pretty sure that campaign funds were NOT meant to cover one’s legal costs for being a bathroom butthead.

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18. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Throwing a rapey-ass spit-fit at the dentist’s? Either this is some kind of new low for this chronic cokehead, or it’s a whole new kind of Winning™.

19. Christopher Fucking Noone. And speaking of whole new kinds of…something, how about the Sovereign Shittizens? They’re now getting so desperate in their reach for legalistic evasions that they’re even claiming never to have been born!

20. Leung Fucking Chai-yan. Yeah, go ahead and tear down your Facebook page, “princess”. The Internets have long memories, just like the Chinese people. And just like the people of Hong Kong, who are not amused by your lack of taste when it comes to all the crap their tax money is helping your daddy to buy.

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And finally, to the Fucking Repugs of North Carolina. Yes, ALL of you. Because if you don’t want anyone being registered to vote, the real question is, WHY THE HELL DOES YOUR PARTY EVEN FUCKING EXIST? And if this is the best you can do to keep people from voting for anyone who isn’t wholly owned or subsidized by Big Fucking Bidness, you don’t deserve to be a party anymore. Or ever again. Considering what the people of Hong Kong are doing just to obtain democracy for the first time ever, doesn’t it embarrass you even a wee bit to have something in common with the shitty totalitarian capitalist oligarchs ruling that island?

Good night, and get fucked!

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