Wankers of the Week: As(s)h(o)ley Madison

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Ashley Madison data dump? It truly is the gift that keeps on giving, because it’s flushing assholes out right and right-er. Strangely, I’m not finding any mentions of people from the left on it, probably because they tend to be cooler all around, and have the happier relationships to prove it. Mostly, it’s just purity culturists and hypocrites and crapitalists getting busted, and frankly, that’s fine with me. Because those people are assholes, and it’s only meet and right that the whole world know it. Know who else is getting outed as an asshole this week? These people, in no particular order:

1. Paul Fucking Elam. Bitter, Party of One? I’m guessing that Paulie’s having trouble with his live-in girlfriend, the one he mooches off of, and resents having to give her regular injections of (cough) “poon” in order to keep the goodies flowing. Why else would he be shitting all over Valentine’s Day six months later (or earlier, as the case may be)? PS: Yup, Paulie’s still bitter about last year’s big exposé of his little MRAsshat shindig in GQ, too. And still plotting his revenge against Jeff Sharlet, who wrote that piece. Give it the fuck UP, Paulie! You really don’t need to make a bigger loser of yourself than you already are.

2. Doug Fucking Ford. More bland nastiness in the federal Conservatives? Worse than Harpo, even? Don’t laugh. Dougie’s seriously considering it, and you wouldn’t want to see Tweedledee get mad. Frod Nation is considering going nationwide, never dreaming that Harpo has already ruined their dreams of “nationhood” forever, because the next PM of Canada won’t be a Harpocrite, or a Frod, or anyone in SupposiTory blue at all.

3. Jeb Fucking Bush. And speaking of bland nastiness, how about Dubya’s little brother? One of his showpiece laws for the state of Florida was a “Scarlet Letter” law requiring women who’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock to slut-shame themselves, since none of their friends, family or neighbors seem to be interested in doing so anymore. It worked about as well as such laws could be expected to do…that is, it backfired spectacularly. And then there’s the fact that Jebby has chosen to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by marking it with the man responsible for FEMA’s worst fuckup ever, and over a thousand deaths. Oh, and just get a load of him courting the very worst ‘wingers of all — the flibbertigibbertarians! For the love of Bog, Jebby — pack it in, go back to Kennebunkport, and never darken the door of a political office again! PS: No, really, Jebby — SHUT UP. (Or, on second thought, debate that with #4, who is Asian. I’ve been dying to see a good food-fight.)

4. Piyush Fucking Jindal. Why?

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That’s why. He’s the ultimate anchor baby come to no good in Amurrica.

5. Jed Fucking Smock. Is it just me, or does this guy remind you, too, of this old Bloom County ‘toon? I guess we now know who the Snorklewacker really is.

6. Theodore Fucking Beale. First Rule of Pratfalls: When proven a prat, claim that was your whole whiny-ass point. And then flip over the chessboard, shit on everything, and strut away cawing. Then do it again. And again. And again. And AGAIN.

7 and 8. Chris Fucking Christie and Ted Fucking Cruz. Both of them decided to pile onto Jimmy Carter when he was down with cancer, just to score cheap points with redneck voters. They’re the Bobbsey Twins of Boordom, no doubt about it.

9. Josh Fucking Duggar. Sure must be awkward when your own brother-in-law thinks you’re scum, eh?

10 and 11. These two fucking morons right here:

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Between the theocratic pseudo-endorsement and the awfully premature election result call, this is so much stoopid that Jesus has just run out of face to palm.

12. Penelope Fucking Trunk. Don’t know who she is. Don’t read her. Don’t think I want to. The idea of a company “owning” a person to the point where their life and/or health suffers is not something to be encouraged or celebrated by any writer as a business practice. What’s next, a paean to slavery?

13 and 14. Andrew Fucking Auernheimer and Gavin Fucking McInnes. Ooooooo! Food fight on the “alt” right! What’s the “alt right”, you ask? Oh, just a bunch of racist, sexist, everything-phobic fucking hipsters bombed on “craft” wood alcohol who think Adolf Fucking Hitler was Adolf Fucking HIPSTER, because he was into mass genocide before it was cool. Watch these two wannabe machos going at it, slapping each other silly — or sillier, if that’s even possible — on the tweeter. It’s sheer comedy GOLD, I tellz ya.

15. Danny Fucking Dannels. He must make the (defective) nail polish! It is being demanded of him! It is his life’s work! He is an athlete, a scholar, a musician, an artist and a maker, a fighter…jeez, what is this guy not? Well, I notice that he didn’t say he was a properly trained cosmetic chemist. Which is kind of an important thing to be, if you make nail polish and want to keep your customers coming back for more — as opposed to, say, banning them for complaining about your shitty product. Because, funnily, it’s kind of important for them to have fingernails that don’t rot right off their hands, you know?

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16. John Fucking McAfee. The Ashley Madison hack was the work of a lone woman, claims the clown prince of drug-addled (and murderous) cyber-security experts. How does he know? Simple, he says — the hack manifesto contained “emotional language”! Oh, like men don’t get emotional? How then to explain the fact that most of the emo-kids on that sad-sack site for failed poonhounds were male, huh? And the fact that any female insider would have not only known that, but most likely been amused by the shortage of real female users, because she probably keyed in the fake female user data herself?

17. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. D’oh! For a moment there, it looked like Roosh V had finally grown a smidgen of self-awareness. NOPE! Instead of realizing he can’t go on using his “forum” to breed misogynists, he simply tells his commentariat to tone down the use of animated .gifs in the event of a mass shooting by one of his shitbird followers, when the media will turn its harsh spotlights on his site. As though they’re only going to be looking for dancing doodles, and not, say, Roosh’s own justifications for the kind of violence he and his followers wreak on the regular.

18.Zach Fucking Farnam. Ever wonder why women don’t trust cops? Here’s a broad hint: When they can’t stop talking about your boobs on the job, and even leave you inadvertent voicemails to that effect, along with other uncomplimentary shit, well…would YOU trust them?

19. Chris Fucking Alexander. Hard questions about bad immigration policies? Bob, weave, dodge and leave. True SupposiTory transparency, QED.

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20. Owen Fucking Labrie, again. Not so much for getting off rather lightly with a misdemeanor sexual assault charge (as opposed to felony rape), but for the truly unbelievable excuse he made that got him off. “Divine inspiration”? Funnily, the victim didn’t see evidence of any such. As she tells it, he DID penetrate her, and did not leave the room without having done so. And the physical and DNA evidence show as much, too. Strangely, “divine inspiration” did not make her injuries OR his semen disappear.

21. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, go right ahead and make an asshole of yourself. Make a federal case of your unwillingness to do your job. Just don’t be surprised when your case gets thrown out, because it fucking deserves to be. And so do you. If you can’t issue marriage licences impartially, you’re not fit to be issuing them at all. And your job deserves to go to someone who can and WILL do it. PS: Ha, ha.

22. Noel Fucking Biderman. Get out while the getting’s good, eh? And also before anybody has a chance to demand a refund on their Ashley Madison accounts, which obviously went nowhere AND weren’t being deleted when clients asked (and PAID) for them to be. If you ever needed any more proof that greed isn’t good, here’s one CEO who proved it with pretty much everything he’s done in his working life. PS: And if you wonder why I feel no pain at hearing the company’s in trouble, read this. The company is built on misogyny; it’s not a bug, it’s a fucking FEATURE.

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23. Fucking Subway. They knew about Jared Fucking Fogle’s kid-diddling predilections for YEARS and sat on them. Meanwhile, on their website, actual children played the (since removed) “Jared’s Pants” game, which was already creepy as hell. Especially considering that he was probably using his “foundation” not to promote healthy eating, as intended, but to lure underage girls into the spider’s web…all while disbursing next to NO actual money for charitable purposes. Dear Gods, there goes my appetite.

24. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Anti-LGBT fanaticism just doesn’t get any meaner, pettier, uglier or more hyperbolic. Yeah, I can’t imagine why your wife left you for another woman, dude. Nice to see you’re not a bit bitter about it, either.

25. Josh Fucking Duggar. The more I hear about how his Quiverfull cult-family is “handling” his many and varied perversions, the more convinced I am that they are nothing more than enablers and abettors of it all. Because not only is his “rehab” program a sham, it’s actually a cover-up program…for high-profile bible-thumping cultists caught with their pants down. And the molesters are actually running that show, so it’s hardly surprising that it does nothing to actually rehabilitate anyone. Let’s hope it does nothing to rehabilitate their public image, either.

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And finally, to all the whiny fucking Red Pillocks who claim that the reason there were so few women on Ashley Madison is because all we have to do to cheat is “merely exist”. WRONG. There are fewer women on there because the site was aimed quite specifically at men, and its ads reflect its misogynist bias, as do its settings. And also because fewer women are actually inclined to cheat in the first place. Why is that, you ask? Because (duh), we are not taught to view men as our servitors or our sexual playthings. And we don’t have a madonna/whore complex when it comes to the menfolks, either. The opposite, in short, of how things are for the poor, beleaguered, self-centred idiots who signed up for that fucking site in the fist place. They may not have gotten any nookie out of it, but they sure as hell got what they had coming. And if they couldn’t see it coming, they have no one but themselves to blame. The whole FOMO about how “life is short” and one should therefore “have an affair” is kind of ridiculous when you consider how few people are actually doing so.
Good night, and get fucked*!
*or don’t, as the case may be. Ha, ha.

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