Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, the wankapedia is back. Why? So much fucking wank, why else? So, with no further ado, and in no particular order, this week we have:
1 and 2. Nia and Sam Fucking Rader. So, God staged a pregnancy AND a miscarriage, all inside of one week? A pregnancy so early that it couldn’t possibly have a heartbeat, “had a heartbeat”? (And Sam, who’s presumably a nurse, didn’t know that human embryos don’t have heartbeats before the sixth week post-conception, at the earliest? Back to nursing school with you, and this time pay attention in embryology, dude!) And God faked it all in order to get subscribers to a shitty YouTube channel by two not-so-good-looking morons with a sappy religious message to push? Oh wait, no, God doesn’t work that way. Only lying humans do. And Karma is about to bite these two awfully hard in the wallet. PS: Oh, and Sam? God hasn’t forgiven you yet. Have you forgotten that She has internet access?
3. Ben Fucking Schoen. No, Hitler did not invent feminism, he was very much against it. (He also didn’t have any good ideas; ask any German how they REALLY feel about the Autobahn and all the wild-eyed freaks they have to dodge on it.) And no, you did not do more for women’s rights than anyone. You hardly did a thing, and what you did do, was pretty much cancelled out by the fact that you went ballistic on not just one, but several young women who didn’t want to get involved with you. And who can blame them? Dude, you need help. Or a Fleshlight. Oh hell, why not both? Just leave the girls in peace, already.
4. Jared Fucking Fogle. Not only does he think middle-school girls are hot, it seems that he has actually paid to rape a number of them. AND he’s as guilty of kiddie porn possession as the dude from his charitable foundation who had the stuff on his office computer. Also, Subway footlongs are…drumroll please…LESS than a foot long. Yup, been a bad week for sammitches and the grinning shits who claim they’re diet food. PS: Oh, holy SHIT! How many years has he been getting away with sexual abuse of children? And how many do you suppose he’s done it to in all that time? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…nope, make that I know I did. A LOT.
5. Josh Fucking Duggar. Not only is he a sister-molester, he’s also a would-be marriage cheat. Fortunately for his long-suffering wife, he signed on with Ashley Madison…which, as everyone knows, has virtually no real women on the membership roster. Unfortunately for said wife, we don’t yet know where else he’s been trolling for bored ladies. (Who, I’m sure, would be even MORE bored if they had to spend a night with him at the No-Tell Mo-Tel.) PS: Oh look, he can’t even keep his apology straight…or take full responsibility. Really, Josh — blaming SATAN? And deleting all mention of the porn which no doubt fed your actions? Just be fucking accountable for what you did, already. PS: Oh Anna, NO. Tell your mother-in-law to STFU, just this once! And get a divorce lawyer. You’re gonna need one sooner than you think. PPS: AHAHAHAHA!
6. Owen Fucking Labrie. Newsflash, junior: No girl ASKS to be raped, and least of all as part of an “unofficial tradition” in which guys compete to see who can fuck the most younger (and probably underage) girls. Know how I know? Because nobody wants to be a fucking object, duh. Much less just another orifice to be used and abused. PS: Ugh, how horrid.
7 and 8. Jim Bob and Michelle Fucking Duggar. Yup, not only is their oldest son a royal fuckup (again!) this week, but so are these two fuckups who we wish had never fucked (let alone enough times to produce nearly two dozen even more fucked-up kids). Scrambling for cash since their show was cancelled, the Quiverfullers are now pitching a “new” show to TLC, starring (of course) themselves, this time as “Christian sexual abuse counsellors”! I shudder to think what kind of “counselling” will be on offer, and fear that it will, literally, be a how-to guide for dudes looking to sexually abuse dudettes in the name of Jesus. Or a slut-shaming/victim-blaming guide. Same thing, really.
9. Donald Fucking Trump. No, you are not the goddamn Batman. You are the goddamn Donald. You’re a cranky old coot with a fourth-grade vocabulary and a third-rate mind who shouldn’t be running a popsicle stand, much less a real-estate conglomerate…and certainly not for public office. Now siddown and shuddup. PS: No, really. Shut. The FUCK. UP.
10. Vicki Fucking Pate. How better to make clear that black lives don’t matter than to go after a Black Lives Matter activist, claiming that he’s “really” white, and therefore a liar whose activism is to be doubted forevermore, along with the rest of that entire movement? Never mind the fact that he’s really biracial, and therefore, the liar is you. And the idiots at Bitefart, too, who believed your racist lie and ran with it.
11. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because you just KNOW that someone had to have okayed those “Nice hair, Justin” attack ads, and everyone knows Harpo’s a total control freak. Nobody in the Conservative party farts without his express permission. And everyone also knows how much Aqua Net goes into that cast-iron helmet of his every fucking day.
12. Mark Fucking Gremaud. Nice to know that male politicians are only good for one thing: Making lewd remarks designed to put female colleagues in what these lowlives think is “their place”. Nicer still to know that the Internet makes due note of everything, and never forgets. (See #1.)
13. Gene Fucking Simmons. Somehow, I’m not surprised to learn that he’s under investigation for a download of kiddie porn at his house. The only thing that does surprise me is that anyone is taking his “I didn’t do it” seriously. Everybody knows that this “man” (and I use the term loosely) will stick his dick into anything female that catches his eye, and that he likes ’em awfully young.
14. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. No, Debbie, you know who’s a fucking cancer? You are. And so are all your little ass-barnacles who rejoiced to hear that Jimmy Carter is ill. And there’s not enough chemo in the world to turn you into anything which is not malignant.
15. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Oh, teh poor widdle menz, they can’t get no more respects! “Respects”, in this case, meaning the right to claim entire army corps as girl-cootie-free zones. The world is going to hell in a handbasket! Well, Andi, I suggest you rectify this situation by quitting your day job (you’re no damn good at it anyway), tearing up your high-school diploma, college degree (from a diploma mill, no doubt), driver’s licence and voter registration, and doing what you so tastefully called the “horizontal hula” with your hubby, and then making him nothing but fucking sammitches all day. Then teh menz will be properly respected once more.
16. Gilles Fucking Guibord. Who? Oh, just another shitty, racist Conservative who says all kinds of shitty, racist Conservative things. And who is now no longer the shitty, racist Conservative candidate for a certain riding in Montréal. Oh, and guess what? He’s an ex-Péquiste, too. Double-shitty, racist, etc.!
17. Ted Fucking Cruz. So, is anyone besides me marvelling at the irony-meter-destroying chutzpah of an immigrant not only thinking he gets to run for president of the US, but also on a platform of pressing undocumented immigrants (because nobody is illegal, stupidfuck) into SLAVERY? I guess we shouldn’t be too shocked, though; after all, ol’ Ted is descended from slave-driving gusano stock that got run out of Cuba by the Brothers Castro and their anti-slavery brigades. He’s just getting nostalgic for the Bad Old Days!
18. John Fucking McCain. And speaking of Bad Old Days, what is this nasty coot doing still alive? Jeez, John, just retire and tell the undocumented Mexicans you hired to mow your lawn to get off it, already. (They’re also more native to Arizona than you are.)
19. Rick Fucking Wilson. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. You actually made me feel sorry for the fucking Coultergeist. And it’s a cold day in Hades that I would ever feel anything other than pure, undiluted contempt for her. You haven’t just sunk to her level of class, though — you’ve scraped through the bottom of the barrel and are now well on your way to China. Feel proud!
20. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yes, I realize that this wank happened more than a week ago. I just thought that you might like to see how well a famously horrid (and unwashed) pickup artist’s “seduction” techniques, as demonstrated on his paltry four-country “world tour”, really work. I’m guessing Roosh left that bar smelling better than he did going in. Also note the lovely bit towards the end, where Roosh doesn’t find his ‘nads until he’s behind a closed door — and only then does he finally let his fingers do the talking. Funnily, though, when invited to perform cunnilingus, Roosh actually chickens out! PS: Roosh also didn’t do so well in Toronto, although he seemed to think his paltry takings from a “workshop” (in a cheap motel in Mississauga, which is not Toronto proper, and hardly the Royal York) were still worth bragging about. Well, yeah, if he couch-surfed here as he did in Ukraine, I guess he may have actually broken even. For a perennial loser, that is quite the victory.
And finally, to Earl Fucking Cowan. Yes, that’s right, AngryCon, the man who called the media “lying pieces of shit” for reporting what’s really going on behind closed Senate doors. Since none of it is flattering to his thin-skinned role model, Stephen Fucking Harper, of course he’s mad. And reacting the exact way Harpo would react if he were less of a shitweasel himself. And when asked by the media — oh sorry, “lying pieces of shit” to confirm whether or not he’s the Old Yeller, of course he tried to hijack the discourse with a statement not to be criticized or commented upon, which the Toronto Star refused to publish. And when that attempt predictably failed, guess what he called them? Yup, more of the same. Congrats, Earl, you’re just like Harpo. Right down to the evasiveness. And the tetchiness. And oh yes, the nasty.
Good night, and get fucked!