Wankers of the Week: Labor Day Slackers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Monday is Labor Day, so this week’s entry is dedicated formally to all the workers out there doing their jobs, and also to the organizers of history who lived and died fighting for workers’ rights. Thank you, workers! It is also dedicated, informally, to these lazy fucking slackers, in no particular order:

1. Kim Fucking Davis. Not only has she lost the federal case she made of her unwillingness to do her job, but with four marriages and three divorces under her belt, she’s also a confirmed adulteress. Guess some marital sins aren’t sinfuller than others after all, eh? PS: Aaaand she does the predictable “God said so!” wig-out. Off to jail you go, Kimmeh. Also, God called; says to leave him the hell out of it.

2. Jim Fucking Garrow. GASP! Ted Fucking Cruz is…an Obama plant? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Oh, and the reason Canadians don’t swear allegiance to the US constitution? WE’RE CANADIANS, YOU STUPID FUCK. Not our constitution, not our allegiance. Capisce?

3. Janet Fucking Porter. So, she claims it was her prayers that delivered the Florida vote to Dubya in 2000? That’s funny, I could have sworn it was Dubya’s brother, Jebby…and his caging-list henchwoman, Katherine Harris…and Dubya’s cousin John Ellis on FUX Snooze, calling the vote prematurely, accidentally-on-purpose…and… Does Jesus actually answer prayers with such perversity and crookedness? Little wonder so many people are losing their religion.

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4. Jesse Fucking Rau. Once more, with feeling: If your persistent God-bothering keeps you from doing your job properly, quit that damn job and let somebody else do it who is both willing and capable! Jeezus, people.

5. Casey Fucking Davis. Ahem. As I was saying: See #1 and #4. Or else stop using “religion” as an argument to get out of doing your job, and just do the damn job! But stop already with these “I will die in the name of…” histrionics. Jesus said NOTHING about dying to keep gay people from legally marrying, you idiotic fucking hypocrite.

6 and 7. Todd Fucking Courser and Cindy Fucking Gamrat. Want to have an affair? Don’t join Ashley Madison; just do your fooling around in the Michigan state legislature, instead of, you know, actually doing your jobs! And to throw ’em off the scent, plant fake rumors of gay prostitutes and other bizarro doings, so that when it all comes out that you’ve been having a completely boring, straight affair, no one will really care, and you’ll be off the hook again. Yeah, that’ll work.

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8. Pat Fucking Robertson. And into the whole Kentucky same-sex marriage fray jumps a mouthy old geezer whom nobody needed to hear from, because he makes all his money by bilking and conning poor gullible souls, and that ain’t workin’. Siddown and shuddup, Patwa.

9. Joe Fucking Davis. Oh joy! #1’s number 4 husband has piped up, saying he’ll shoot anyone who comes in and tries to hold the dear wifey to her oath to do her fucking job. That ain’t workin’ either.

10. Jeb Fucking Bush. Stop trying to lecture the Pope on how to do HIS job, Jebby. You haven’t exactly been doing yours all that well, either.

11. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck. It being FUX Snooze and all, of course spouting blatant racism IS her job, and it is the whole of her job. But still. What the hell kind of person hires someone to do a job like that?

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12. Kristen Fucking Lindsey. What the hell kind of vet shoots a pet cat with a bow and arrow, then brags of killing a “feral” one? A vet who lost her job at the animal clinic and really deserves to lose her veterinary licence as well, that’s who. Cardinal rule of hunting: If you’re not going to eat it or wear it, don’t kill it. And if you’re a vet, you do everything you can to save the lives of cats, not TAKE them. That’s your fucking job, lady, and you suck at it.

13. Rick Fucking Perry. Jesus called; says you’re nothing like him. Also, as former governor of Texas, you did a shit job. Take a hard seat, Crotch.

14. Josh Fucking Duggar. As one of my friends pointed out, it looks like this one’s got commitment issues: He can’t commit to a recovery program. He’s gone missing, and no one knows where he’s at (although some have their suspicions). Also, sounds like he couldn’t even commit to something as basic as the use of condoms. Remind me again why he’s supposed to be some kind of moral authority on Family Values?

15. Chrissie Fucking Hynde. No, what you were wearing and what you had to drink that night were NOT responsible for all those bikers gang-raping you. What was responsible? Those fucking bikers who gang-raped you. I mean hell, Chrissie: You even said they were wearing badges and shit saying “I love rape”. They were advertising the fact that they are rapists, and you think women should blame themselves for THAT? Unfuck your head, already.

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16. Donald Fucking Trump. This is a pre-candidate for the presidency of the United States? This thin-skinned rage addict who gets on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s case for comparing him unfavorably to the only worthwhile pre-candidate of any party, namely Bernie Sanders? Anyone who would vote for him is a drooling slack-jawed goober. This is not even a political amateur; he’s the belligerent drunk whose uncouth ass is about to get bounced from the pub. And I believe the greater US public’s exact line would be “You’re FIRED!”

17. Tara Fucking Monroe. Driving a Barbie kiddie-car after your licence was suspended for refusing a breathalyzer, and not riding your bike like your own parents told you to? Incredibly immature. But really, what better can one expect from someone who went to a Waka Flocka concert, anyway?

18. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Whereas the NDP has more than 40% women on their slate, the Liberals…are one big sausagefest. Justin, get some female candidates, already!

19. Peter Fucking Bucklitsch. Why?

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That’s why. Calling a dead kid’s parents “greedy” and “queue jumpers”, just because these refugees weren’t walking skeletons in rags, is one helluva vile wank. And quite typical for the neo-Nazis of UKIP, too.

20. Jeffrey Fucking Atherton. Meanwhile, in Tennessee, a judge has decided that if gay people can get married, ain’t no one gonna get a divorce. Logic? Try and find it. Just more of those Repugnican Family Values™ in action, folks.

21, 22 and 23. Allan Fucking Candelore, Rich Fucking Allison, and Alfred Fucking Rava. Because why should women ever get a leg up in the tech industry as CEOs, as long as there are fucking Menz Rightzers to pull them right back down again, crying “discrimination” all the way because someone dared to host a women-only business conference for them. Yup, that’s right: The most unoppressed group in the history of ever is having another lovely hissyfit because an actual oppressed group made a bid for some small step towards parity. Let’s hope their suit gets laughed out of court. And that #23 — the shyster representing #21 and #22 — gets disbarred and stripped of his law licence for his frivolous, malicious conduct.

24. Roger Fucking Hunt. Never mind that no one plays sports with their crotch. This idiotic wank thinks that trans athletes need to submit to a pants check before being cleared to play. I suggest he get his head examined instead; it seems to me that he’s just a wee bit incompetent. (And possibly a pervert, too.)

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?

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That’s why. Just one more reason to give him the heave-ho in October, eh?

26 and 27. Tim Fucking Kelly and Tara Fucking Mack. Once more, with feeling: Don’t join Ashley Madison; just get elected to your state legislature as a Repugnican. Then you get to exchange…uh…”documents”! In parked cars, out in the boonies! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

28. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Hey Roosh: That DDOS attack your site suffered? Was a wake-up call from Karma, telling you to cut the PUA shit and the “neomasculinity” crap, and GET A REAL FUCKING JOB, YOU WORTHLESS SHITSTAIN.

29. Nathan Fucking Davis. Nepotism, anyone? Why the hell was #1’s son allowed to work in the same office as his mother? Surely that constitutes some kind of infraction, does it not? At any rate, he’s the only one of six deputy clerks in that office to deny same-sex couples marriage licences. Which proves that the religious fanatics are in the minority there.

30. Matt Fucking Staver. And of course, it wouldn’t be a weekly wankapedia without some projection on the part of a religious persecutor, and a full fucking Godwin violation, to boot. No, Kim Fucking Davis is NOT a Jew being sent to the gas chambers; if anything, she’s more like the fucking Gestapo. But at least, in this case, there’s no real power to back her up; just a bunch of shysters who obviously got their law degrees from diploma mills. And their history lessons from a charlatan.

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And finally, to the biggest slackers of all: the 1%ers. Whose wealth, next year, is slated to surpass that of the remaining 99% of us. Did they work for it? NOPE. They threw people out of work, underpaid the rest who are now in fear for their jobs. Time to make them fear for THEIR cushy, unearned position in life, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

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