Wankers of the Week: Old Stock Shitheads

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a shitty, crappy one it is. Stephen Fucking Harper has finally tipped his hand as a dyed-in-the-wool Nazi, and all in three odious words. “Old Stock Canadians” — a racist dog whistle that clearly ignores the people who were here first, ahead of all those “old stock” types. But since they’re not white, they don’t count. It’s enough to make one want to smash a bottle and straight-up cut a bastard, starting with Harpo himself. And you know who else I’d like to bottle? These people…in no particular order:

1. Kim Fucking Davis. Your fifteen minutes are up, troll. Time to shut up, go away, and leave the issuing of marriage licences to someone who is willing to do the job. ALL OF IT. PROPERLY.

2. David Fucking Nasser. No, racism is not a “sin”; the bible endorses it, as do the proponents of Israeli apartheid, many of whom are ultra-orthodox believers. Police brutality isn’t going to be cured by religion; if anything, history shows that religion has been one of racism’s biggest underpinnings. And WTF is this shit about owning the buses and restaurants? That won’t cure racism, either; as I recall, it only ever helped the richest white people to carry on discriminating until laws came into effect to force them not to. Most people will never own a business, and it’s absurd to expect that tiny individual acts (of ownership, even) will change anything systemic, like racism.

3. Tom Fucking Brady. Well, look who fumbled the political football. And who has obviously taken way too many hits to the head out there on the ol’ gridiron. I mean, what other logical explanation COULD there be for anyone to endorse Donald Fucking Trump, anyway? (Or, come to that, a “putting green on the White House lawn”. UGH.)

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4. Donald Fucking Trump. And speaking of Da Donald, looks like somebody hasn’t been reading his bible. And could care less that the chapter and verse he quoted are fake, fake, FAKE. Maybe try NOT watching so many stupid movies, eh?

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. The Coultergeist may be on her way out with the right-wing media establishment, but she’s not going down without a fight…which, in her case, means to fire off as many anti-Semitic slurs as possible. Yes, burn those bridges…shoot, who needs relevance anyway, eh Annie?

6. Bristol Fucking Palin. And speaking of irrelevant…just who is she to tell the POTUS to “STAY out of” the case of Ahmed Mohamed, who was arrested merely for bringing a homemade digital clock to school while Muslim? Nobody, of course. And she’s pissy as hell about her non-entity status, and wants the whole world to know it.

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7. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Funny, but absolutely NO gay guys that I know were “turned” that way by crazy women — including my best friend, who, Lord knows, had his hands full with clinically depressed, sometimes-suicidal me. All of them have been attracted to other guys for as long as they can remember. And they like women a lot, sane or not…they just don’t want to sleep with them. (Or sexbots either, come to that.) PS: Milo, if you seriously believe that the female orgasm is just a “biological extremist” conspiracy theory, you might want to learn a bit of basic anatomy.

8. Robert Fucking Cunningham. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear, Bishop…NO victim of abuse is ever “culpable” for what happened to them. Not at 7, not at 17, and not at 70. The “age of reason” is irrelevant when you’re talking about the victim of a CRIME. No matter what the victim’s age, the guilt must always rest on their abuser, because THAT’S WHO DID THE FUCKING ABUSING, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

9. Jeb Fucking Bush. Yep, ol’ Hebby’s been on a real roll this week. Not only did he forget on whose watch 9-11 occurred (hint: his brother’s!), he also wants a positively putrid British prime minister’s portrait on US money. Uh, what was that Declaration of Independence about, again? Also, he’s allergic to big, intelligent words!

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10. Marlan Fucking Haakanson. No, a poor grasp of copyright law won’t stop the changing of the times. And neither will a stubborn insistence on keeping a team name racist.

11. James Fucking Rainey Fucking Mason. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to wank in your car in broad daylight, while stalking a woman (who caught it all on video). And oh yeah, it doesn’t help either that he’s a cop. Yes, that’s right, folks, this one’s a literal wanker! The weekly wankapedia just wouldn’t be complete without one.

12. Eugene Fucking Holmes. Yes, I’m sure promising to be exactly like Wanker #1 is a great way to get elected…if your constituency consists entirely of inbred yokels who pull their puds and howl every time the Moon is full. And what’s wrong with wanting to “eradicate homosexuals”? Well, dude, read your history book, if you have one…you’ll find that this strategy was also popular with a certain shitty little meth-addicted Austrian guy who hijacked Germany in the 1930s.

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13. Rick Fucking Santorum. And speaking of pud-pulling yokels, how about ol’ Buttsploodge? Yes, Icky Ricky too is still jockeying for some thin shreds of relevance, and he thinks the way to do that is to compare #1 to a Columbine victim! Um, Ricky…she’s still alive. She’s no martyr, she’s a PERSECUTOR. And she’s much too old for high school…though apparently not for immaturity.

14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. And speaking of too old but still immature, how about ol’ Roosh V? Yes, he too has delusions of his own martyrdom and persecution, even though it’s clear that he, too, is the hunter and not the hunted. And also one helluva projector. Roosh, if feeling “the full force of the establishment” entails nothing worse than getting a beer dumped on your head and being called a piece of shit by a mixed crowd, I’d hate to see what you do when you REALLY get a can of whup opened on your unwiped ass.

15. Cindy Fucking Gamrat. Yeah, God has plans for you, honey. Her plans are for you to be ignominiously defeated by a far more qualified candidate, to fade back into obscurity, and never run for public office (or boink another man in same) again.

16. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. He can’t vote here anymore, but he can still tell us who to vote for? How the hell does that even work? I thought it was against the law for foreigners to meddle in Canadian elections. And Wayne’s not been one of us for about half a lifetime now. But you know what? He’s right about one thing. Harpo has been absotively unreal — like a motherfucking hallucination of madness. And come October 20, we’re bringing Reality back!

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17. Felipe Fucking González. Who? Oh, just a certain former Spanish prime minister (supposedly a socialist) who quit being relevant ages ago, but who still thinks he has something of import to say. And what does he say about the current president of Venezuela? Oh, just that the late, unlamented Augusto Fucking Pinochet (long may he rot) had more respect for human rights than the democratically elected, peacefully inclined Madurito. This after a Venezuelan court (not the presidency, but a court of law, motherfuckers) put the fascist putschist Leopoldo López in jail for 13 years, for inciting violent riots in which over 40 Venezuelans died. I don’t know how the hell he manages to get a “brutal dictatorship” out of ordinary, democratic rule of law, so I’ll just say Bye, Felipe!

18. Scott Fucking Lattin. Who? Oh, just some yokel from Texas who vandalized his own truck in order to discredit the good folks of Black Lives Matter, and to bilk other yokels out of a few thousand to repair what he did. Because ever’body knows that black lives don’t matter half as much as those of some white wank in a pickup truck who thinks the right to hate (for dollars, even!) is more important than the right to live, right?

19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Well, of COURSE Ahmed Mohamed is cooler than your kids, all of them put together. And why the hell not? He is more than capable of thinking and doing worthwhile things. I have yet to see evidence that the Palin brood is good for anything other than drunken brawls and unplanned pregnancies. And considering who their mother is, that’s hardly surprising.

20. Chris Fucking Rouston. No, dear, it’s not “sharing your faith” if you only do it unto LGBT people…and you’re actually “sharing” nothing but hateful propaganda. You were fired for harassment, not religion, so take your persecution complex (and your whiny-ass moneygrubbing) the hell outta here.

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And finally, to Paul Fucking Elam and his creepy cronies of A Voice For Men. Paulie & Co. had a pub crawl recently, and decided to record their drunken antics, in which they taunted feminist bloggers Jessica Valenti and Amanda Marcotte in the crudest terms imaginable. How this beery bellowing is supposed to help and empower troubled men, they don’t say. Apparently, these poor ol’ bastards are so oppressed that they can’t even stay sober anymore. And that makes Paulie’s ambition to “counsel” troubled dudes (for much more than the going rate) seem kind of hinky. Didn’t he use to have a drug and alcohol problem, and didn’t he also use to be an addiction counselor? How much trust can one put in his “counseling” if he’s failed so dismally to stay on the wagon himself? And if he’s dragged a whole roomful of other men down to his own level?

Good night, and get fucked!

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