Wankers of the Week: Upper Class Pigfuckers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy Equinox to one and all. Fall is upon us, and so are multicolored leaves, pumpkin-spice-flavored everything…and oh yeah, the one thing that never changes with the seasons: WANKERS! And this week, in no particular order, they are:

1. David Pig-Fucking Cameron. Yes, kiddies, that’s right. First crack out of the box, a special distinction just for His Nibs. Who stuck his nib in the mouth of a dead pig during some kind of creepy initiation rite at Oxford. One that makes the rumors of the Skull and Bones initiation seem mild by comparison. Is this what it takes to be a global leader of the 21st century? A willingness to stick your willy everywhere it doesn’t belong, and commit bestial necrophilia, to boot? This no doubt explains the paucity of female “leaders” at that level…for one thing, women have better sense than to do anything like that. For another, we also have different anatomy.

2. Paul Fucking Wells. Well, now we know the identity of at least one of Harpo’s buttboys in the media. Inkless Wells, as he so cutely titled his political column, is either witless or conscienceless, in addition to inkless. Because he apparently thinks that the legal, ceremonial and electoral institutions of this land support broad-scale election thefts. And Harpo is guilty of them in at least two elections, and now he’s running for a third. And the media, or at least Maclean’s magazine’s star political columnist, is running interference for him. So much for comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comforted? Oh, and get this: Witless Wells also insulted Raffi. Yes, that’s right, he called a beloved children’s singer a “flatulent crank” for pointing out the blinding obvious. That’s pretty damn low, but it’s par for a man who spends much of his time flat on his belly for the Harper Government™.

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3 and 4. Rick Fucking Wiles and John Fucking Price. Yes, please do tell all the evangelical shitferbrains to leave the US and never come back. And while you’re at it, you too should get the fuck out. Those who are left behind will finally get their chance to fix the political, economic and ecological messes you idiots have left behind!

5. Carly Fucking Fiorina. When even FUX Snooze is no longer buying the lies in all those fake Planned Parenthood videos, that’s your cue to STFU. And really, as someone else said: If you’re looking to destroy Planned Parenthood, Carly, why not become its CEO, and run it into the ground like you did HP and Compaq?

6. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. He’s allegedly Catholic. I say “allegedly”, because he clearly doesn’t believe in abiding by the word of the Pope, who is, according to church doctrine, infallible. Leaving doctrinal issues out of it, though, I’d say Francis is at least correct about the evils of capitalism. Jesus Christ himself railed against the moneychangers in the Temple, and drove them out with a cat-o’-nine-tails — remember? So why is this moron taking the part of the moneychangers? Oh yeah: It’s FUX Snooze. Where black is white, day is night, wrong is right, and truth is shite.

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7. Paul Fucking Elam. Not enough of a he-man woman-hater for Paulie? That’s all right, bitches, because he’s about to Go His Own Way. Without you. And only the most boorish drunken misodges will be allowed in the treehouse from now on, so NYAHHHH! Yup, Greatest Human Rights Movement in the History of Ever, folks.

8 and 9. Jared Fucking Rutledge and Jacob Fucking Owens. And speaking of he-man woman-haters: Isn’t it sweet to see how the two biggest douchebags in Asheville are now its two LEAST popular dudes? Ha, ha.

10. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Sorry, AIDS patients, pregnant women, and other immune-compromised people! If you’ve been exposed to Toxoplasma gondii, you’re going to have to pay through the nose for the pill that treats it. This hedge-fund vulture has decided that a 5,700 percent markup is “fair”, at least to compensate himself for what he paid to buy the company that produces this remedy, which is twice as old as he is and really should be public domain by now. Isn’t that illegal? If it’s not, it damn well SHOULD be. Because it’s certainly going to cost an awful lot of lives, and he has a known track record for doing precisely this sort of thing. It stinks of a Ponzi scheme, too, as he’s been accused of using money grubbed this way to pay back angry hedge-fund investors he ripped off in the past. Doctors, heads up…and prescribe generics! PS: And he STILL thinks that’s not enough! I think he’s ripe for a major criminal investigation, don’t you? PPS: No, really…he is MORE than ripe. He’s ROTTEN.

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11. Marco Fucking Rubio. No, women are NOT getting pregnant just to sell fetuses to Planned Parenthood. And even if they were, it wouldn’t be an indictment of women, but of capitalism…for making them so desperate in the first place. Restrict capitalism, not women!

12. Jeb Fucking Bush. No, black people are NOT out to scam free stuff off of others. Once again, you’re thinking of capitalism…and specifically, the kind practiced by stupid white dudes like yourself.

13. Charles Fucking Gasparino. No, Jesus would NOT “thank you for making money”. He drove the moneychangers out of the temple with a cat-o’-nine-tails, remember? And moreover, he was indeed a communist, if not the Marxist kind. He explicitly told his followers to pool their resources and give any extra to those in need. Capitalist Jesus never existed; it’s as simple as that!

14. Bruce Fucking Rauner. Why?

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That’s why. Some call it “robbing Peter to pay your shareholders”. It’s the same crime as #10, basically.

15. Stuart Fucking Varney. And again: No, Jesus was not a capitalist. He said nothing at all about how the rich are somehow better than anybody else, just because they have more money. And the Pope, for once, is in agreement with him, and realizes that there’s no point in saving souls if there’s no planet left to house them all. Mind: blown! (No, wait, that’s just an artery.)

16. Alex Fucking Jones. Taking measures against man-made climate change will leave a billion dead? Well, if this hot-air blower is among them, it can’t be an entirely bad thing.

17. Alex Fucking Johnstone. It’s kind of hard to imagine anyone NOT knowing what Auschwitz really is, but somehow, she managed it. And shame on the federal NDP for cutting those who recognize Palestine, but NOT those who fail to recognize holocausts. At this rate, I may soon have no party left to vote for.

18. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Why?

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That’s why. The Pontiff, as anyone who’s been following the news this week would know, had no complaints about the welcome he got in Washington. This “apology”, from someone who will never be pontifex or POTUS, is just self-serving bullshit.

19. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Guess who I most definitely won’t be voting for? Yup, that’s right, the Trudizzle. Environmentalism is nothing but “sanctimonious crap” to him, just as our right to privacy is something he had no trouble selling down the river so as not to be seen as “soft on terrorism”. For anyone who still thinks there’s a dime’s worth of difference between him and Harpo (beyond age and hairstyles), think again. There will be NO real change if he’s elected PM. He’s already made that clear with his actions, and now his words have irrevocably followed.

20. Dean Fucking Esmay. Wow. Looks like Deano’s really gone off the deep end this week, lobbing wild accusations at all and sundry. It seems that now, anyone who disagrees with him, debunks his bullshit, or just makes fun of him for being a complete asshat is going to get called a child abuser, because Deano was (or claims to have been) sexually abused as a child. Because calling someone out for being a misogynist idiot is totally the same thing as raping him, apparently. PS: Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that Deano thinks that those who literally have every disadvantage against him are “privileged”. He is truly through the Looking Glass!

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And finally, to all the fucking MRAssholes who jumped all over #MasculinitySoFragile, the Twitter hashtag making fun of pointlessly macho marketing gimmickry. Thanks for being humorless idiots, and thanks for making our feminist point for us. You’re all so fragile and insecure in your machismo that you can’t take a joke even when it’s not at your personal expense. Remind us again why you deserve so much more respect than anybody else, because when I look at the bunch of you (yes, even you poor delusional women who think “feminism has gone too far” when it hasn’t gone halfway far enough), all I can do is snicker. Sucks to be you guys (and you desperate-to-be-liked gals).

Good night, and get fucked!

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