Wankers of the Week: Jesus Christ on a coffee cup


Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, I know, it’s a little too early for holiday shit. Actually, it’s a LOT too early. But since it’s already happening, we may as well get this shit out of the way. And while we’re at it, let’s also get these shits out of the way, in no particular order:

1. Joshua Fucking Feuerstein. Yup, that’s right, the hate-preacher who started the whole non-issue about Starbucks and its minimalistic, non-Jesusy holiday coffee cups. He also thinks “Merry Christmas” is being censored (it’s not) and totes his gun where it doesn’t fucking belong (namely, EVERYWHERE). How does someone so obviously stupid get a million followers, anyway? The obvious answer, of course, is that there really are at least that many people stupider than him…and that’s really saying something. Next time he or one of his idiot followers asks the barista to write “Merry Christmas” on the cup as their name, I hope the barista adds “…you filthy animal”. And shouts it out loud like the gangster from the Home Alone movie, too. PS: Aaand looky here. He’s a fraud! A professional scam artist. How about that? PPS: And he doubled down — briefly — with a double-double-dumb video that he pulled later. Probably because it would have required him to admit that he, too, had partaken of Starbucks’ bitter, bitter “abortion coffee” when he pulled his idiotic “Merry Christmas” stunt. And paid them to donate to Planned Parenthood. Ha, ha.

2. Art Fucking Acevedo. Cops don’t deserve thanks or praise or awards for not raping people they stop on the street. In fact, they don’t deserve any special recognition for that at all. And it’s not particularly praiseworthy to just grab random women while they’re out jogging, either.


3. Scott Fucking Walker. Fiscal conservatism just ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…and Scotty is now finding it out the hard way. Ha, ha.

4. Ben Fucking Carson. And the wanks just keep coming! This week, ol’ Ben opined that addiction is down to a lack of “values and principles”. Maybe he’s onto something, because the next wanker on the list knows a thing or two about that.

5. Donald Fucking Trump. What’s his addiction, you ask? Money, trophy wives, and general boorishness. Values and principles: He no haz them.

6. Fievel Fucking Kan. And speaking of a lack of values and principles, how about this TO cop? He actually ticketed people for existing while mentally ill, homeless and vulnerable on the big city’s streets. Even worse, he did it all for points on his performance report. Too bad he compounded all the offences by not turning his dashcam on to prove that he was doing so justifiably, eh?


7. Matt Fucking Bevin. Fresh off a (probably stolen) election, and already he’s hit the ground wanking. Isn’t that just so like a teabagger? Yeah, he actually claimed that the Founding Fathers were into cockfighting and dogfighting. They were? News to me.

8. Michele Fucking Bachmann. And speaking of teabags, how about her? Nope, she hasn’t shuffled off into the sunset yet. No matter how many times the public gives her the hint, the Breeder just won’t take it. At this rate, nothing short of a lightning strike from God will do.

9. Kim Fucking Davis. And just to round out the unholy trinity of teabags, let’s pause now to reflect on this one…and thank her for pointing out, however obliquely, that religious exemptions from doing one’s job are just a really REALLY fucking bad idea. Her bullshit has now caused even conservatives to see the light. Hallelujah!


10. Adam Fucking McManus. Talk about your historical ignoranuses, how about him? The reason the Germans were silent about the Holocaust is because most of them had no fucking clue while it was going on! Yeah, that’s right, even those who lived just down the road from a death camp were told it was a sugar-beet syrup factory, and that that awful smell was the smell of cooking sugar-beet syrup. And yes, since they couldn’t see what was really going on in there, of course they had to take the lying bastards’ word for it. Is it really so shocking to find THAT out? Oh, and by the way, same-sex marriage is NOTHING like the Holocaust, either. Hitler hated gay people too, remember?

11. Kevin Fucking Swanson. And speaking of Nazis who hate LGBT folk: “Repent” of liking some movies based on fiction? Which even the smallest kids KNOW are fiction? Otherwise, God will have to “apologize for Sodom and Gomorrah”? Uh, preacher…aren’t you forgetting that those cities weren’t destroyed over homosexuality, but over their xenophobia and inhospitable behavior to strangers? Talk about not knowing your scriptures…

12. Tom Fucking Cotton. And again with the lack of values and principles! How the hell do people on old-age and disability pensions — which is what Social Security benefits are in the US — cause an upswing in heroin addiction? Hell if I know. But he seems to think they somehow do.


13. Rafael Fucking Cruz. Surprise! Ted Fucking Cruz’s wackaloon father wasn’t the great swashbuckling anti-Batista rebel he likes to claim he was. His own buddies from back in the day all describe him as a wannabe. Which, I guess, is a polite Cuban way of saying he’s a fucking liar.

14. Brandon Fucking Dorner. And speaking of wannabes, it was Amateur Night at LSU the other day. And this guy decided to teach the audience how to be a failed pickup artist. The fact that the audience was half female was apparently lost on him. Aaaaand that’s why he’s now a failed aspiring stand-up comedian, too.

15. Lori Fucking Sheppard. Surprise! The old wives’ tale about bourbon on a baby’s gums is a lie. So is the not-quite-so-old wives tale about bourbon in a baby’s bottle. Yup, Arkansas Woman is really giving Florida Man a run for his money! And her kid is lucky to have survived…and luckier still to be out of her house until further notice.


16. Richard Fucking Brittain. Oh no, him again? Oh yes. Him again. Last time we saw him, he was issuing an abject apology for stalking a woman who didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. And now, what’s he made the news for? Yup…stalking again. And this time, it wasn’t the object of his blighted affections, but a teenage critic of the awful-sounding fantasy novel he wrote about the object of his blighted affections. He travelled all the way to Scotland just to bottle the poor kid. I’m sensing a pattern here, how about you?

17. Rod Fucking Covlin. I’m kind of reluctant to list him as a wanker, as he is also quite likely a killer…but really, selling his (barely) teenage daughter as a mail-order bride in Mexico, just so he could “inherit” all of his estranged wife’s worldly wealth after he drowned her in a bathtub? This guy isn’t just a failed stockbroker, he’s also a failed criminal who’s failing at everything for a reason. Legal marriage age, in Mexico, is 18, as it is in most of the world; with parental consent, it’s still no less than 14. His daughter is, as of this writing, only 13. And in any case, she’d still inherit her mother’s estate, because marriage would not debar her from being an heir.

18. Bristol Fucking Palin. So, the whole kerfuffle over Starbucks cups was dreamt up by “liberals” to make fundies look like idiots? Huh. Last I looked, they didn’t need any help in that department.


19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Like daughter, like mother — the two Palinesses share the same stoopid. So cute that they’re a matching set! But really: “Protecting the Heart of Christmas”? Hey idiot — ur doin it rong.

20. Kurt Fucking Schaefer. Thou shalt not commit sociology, saith the bozo. Scientific studies violate the Sanctity of Life, don’tcha know?

21. John Fucking Key. Yup, nothing says “concern for the well-being of rape survivors” like having a bunch of them thrown out of your parliament — where they are MPs — for daring to bring up their own sexual assaults. Objectively pro-rape much, yourself?


22 and 23. Robert C. Fucking Doyle and Ronald Beasley Fucking Chaney III. Funny how all these representatives of the so-called Master Race all look like their family tree is missing several branches. Or like their gene pool got pooped in. Or like their mothers couldn’t outrun their brothers. Or like…well, nothing like the handsome Vikings of old, that’s for damn sure. Funnier still, their moronic looks don’t lie; their behavior is a perfect moronic match.

24. Fred Fucking Wortman. Dude goes to jail for trying to kill his wife (who’s trying to divorce him after finding out he cheated). What does he turn around and do? Try to hire a hitman, from inside the jailhouse, to kill her again! And just think, people, this one’s an attorney! He can’t even claim ignorance of the law as an excuse (although, it being Tennessee, it’s certainly possible that he’d try). And now he’s apologized for that, but who knows — he might try to kill her again when nobody’s looking. If only all those meddling kids wouldn’t keep foiling his fiendish plans…

25. Erick Fucking Erickson. I guess I could explain all the ways in which a trans woman is NOT a man, much less a “mentally ill pervert”, and how letting her use the washroom appropriate to her gender (female) isn’t a crime, and it isn’t an invitation to sexual assault, and how it would actually protect her from sexual assault by actual men, and all that. But it would be lost on him. As the old Sicilian saying goes, washing a jackass’s head is a waste of water.


26. David Fucking Welch. And once more, with feeling: Jackass, head, waste of water.

27. Jackie Fucking Burns. Well, well. Look who got caught short by Karma! See what happens when you vote to close public toilets to save money? You get arrested, and fined 40 quid for peeing in public. Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the world is now your loo! And if Karma is feeling truly generous, you might even get some on your shoe. Ha, ha.

28. Scott Fucking Johansen. Meanwhile, in Utah, someone isn’t up on the latest research. You know, the stuff that shows how children of same-sex couples are actually happy and well-adjusted, sometimes even more so than their opposite-sex-parented peers? Yeah, that stuff. Also, with same-sex marriage being legal now in all 50 states, Hizzoner has no legal legs left to stand on. Little wonder, then, that he chose to go with his own religious prejudices instead.


28 and 29. Hunter Fucking Park and Connor Fucking Stottlemyre. Yeah, surprise, guys: Anonymous threats over the Internet aren’t so anonymous after all. Why do you think IP addresses are logged, anyway? And congrats, both of you, on making white males in Missouri look like violent, racist fucking idiots. And also, unoriginal. Feel proud!

30. Moti Fucking Yogev. Oh, so the family members of Palestinian “terrorists” should be imprisoned to deter…what exactly? They already ARE imprisoned…in the world’s largest open-air prison camps in Gaza and the West Bank. How about we start imprisoning Israeli terrorists instead? It’s not like there’s any shortage of THEM running around loose, firing everything from live ammunition (especially good ol’ illegal Whisky Pete) to stinking raw sewage at Palestine…

31. Robin Fucking Camp. Funny how certain foreigners are bad (because not white) but this white south-African guy, though criminally incompetent, somehow got fast-tracked not only through immigration, but into an entire fucking career as a judge here in Canada. And what does he do with his grand and glorious achievement? Basically, tells women who got raped in bathrooms (by men who didn’t bother to dress up in drag) that they should have kept their knees together…among other grotesque inanities.


32. Jared Fucking Woodfill. Keep the transwomen out of public women’s washrooms, he said. So they won’t attack women, he said. Because they’re really men, he said. So what does he do when he’s not busy saying idiotic things about shit that hasn’t ever happened? He’s defending a man in court…for spying on women. In a bathroom.

33. Kevin Fucking Swanson. Well, I guess we know who’s still living like the Eighties never ended, eh? This guy! He still thinks AIDS only happens to gay people, and that it’s not controllable with drugs. Boy howdy, will he be in for a shock if this AIDS vaccine proves effective! And he says he’ll smear himself with shit if his son ever turns out to be gay? Newsflash, preacher…you’re already a big fat turd. Why be redundant?

34. David Fucking Vitter. Once more, Diapers proves that he’s not a kinkster, but a downright pervert. Why else would he constantly let his sexual fantasies leak out from under his Freudian slip?

35. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Accepting trans kids at school would cause “confusion”? Only in those who’ve never met one. And in chronic, pathological idiots who are easily confused, like FUX Snooze “journalists”, of course.


And finally, to all the monstrous, moronic fucking Conservatives who just couldn’t resist the opportunity to stir the shit that the Paris terror attacks presented. Good thing you’re all effectively neutered for the next five years. You can bark, but your yapping will have no bite behind it. We’re going to be taking in Syrian refugees (and being good neighbours!), and if the Trudizzle is as smart as he’s showing signs of, we’ll stay the hell out of this damn war that you, the Mossad, and Daesh are cooking up between your evil, EVIL selves.

Good night, and get fucked!

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