Wankers of the Week: Asshat Calendar

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy December, that most commercial and eye-rollingly pious of months, when all of Wingnuttia fights the bogus War on Christmas with bullshit bullets and cannonades of crapola. And brace yourselves, folks, because this week’s wankapedia is extra long, and could easily have been longer. It’s like an advent calendar of shitheads, if months were twice as long as they actually are. So. Here come the asshats, in no particular order

1. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Yes, heaven forfend that we should ever make connections between things that are, in fact, connected! Like, oh, say, a lying crapaganda video about abortion, and some gun-sucking motherfucker — oh sorry, “messenger” — who saw it and shot his way into a Planned Parenthood clinic yelling “No more baby parts!” Typical leftists, insisting on annoying you with the inconvenient facts!

2. Adam Fucking Kinzinger. And again with the inconvenient facts and unpleasant truths. It was a legitimate concern, you guys! Stop it, you mean leftists! Stawwwwwp!

3. Jim Fucking Hoft. So, a bearded dude with a history of lewdness and violence, who shoots up a clinic, is now a trans woman? Kind of unlikely, especially when you consider that gender screwups due to clerical error happen all the fucking time. Thanks again, Gateway Pissant, for showing us how you came by the title of Dumbest Man on the Internet.

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4. Michael Fucking McCaul. A “tragedy”? A “mental health crisis”? I’d ask why he used those words, but I already know. It’s because he really can’t bear to say “terrorist” of anyone who’s Christian and white — and thus, a member of his own preferred voting demographic. Terrorists are always Those Other People!

5. McCall Fucking Brunson. No, you know who loves death? YOU do. You, and all the other right-wing ghouls who keep calling for the execution of abortion providers (even on the heels of yet another clinic shooting!) and the women who rely on them for medical care. If the lives of women and doctors matter less to you than those of clumps of cells, fetuses which aren’t viable, or abstract religious notions — you are objectively anti-life. And you really need to step up and admit as much.

6. Jim Fucking Bazen. And just who appointed this sanctimonious, salacious clown the guardian of their daughters’ virginity? Because, you know, despite abstinence pledges, at least nine people out of ten will be sexually active before their wedding nights…and in any case, a dress code won’t have played any part in that. But hey, it’s nice to hear a principal admit that he lusts over the sight of “immodestly dressed” girls, eh?

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7. Donald Fucking Trump. If the Zapruder Film still exists in a viewable condition, then it’s a ridiculous fucking stretch to insist that the (nonexistent) footage of Muslims celebrating 9-11 in New Jersey disappeared down the memory hole of “ancient technology” so as not to offend US Muslims. The CIA and the Mafia had far more motive to get the media to bury the Zapruder Film, as well as far more muscle…and they didn’t succeed in doing so. But hey, why let historical facts — from ancient media-tech history — get in the way of a convenient fantasy from Wingnuttia?

8. Ben Fucking Carson. And speaking of fantasies, how fucking silly is it that this particular rival of Der Donald’s (in stupidity as well as Repug leadership contests) insists that the money spent on Halloween candy could have gone toward foreign aid to keep Syrians instead of refugee camps instead of resettling them. Um, what? Just typing that out, I felt my IQ drop a good 25 points. Does he even realize that it’s not the government that provides Halloween candy, but private citizens, buying it at their own discretion?

9. Joshua Fucking Feuerstein. Oh look, Fraudenstein has piped up again, to call for the murder of abortion providers, along with more death threats and un-Christian expressions of shitheadery. This puts him right in a league with #5. He is a stochastic terrorist and objectively pro-death. No ifs, ands or buts.

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10. Marc Fucking Thiessen. When your current client is in fact a Nazi himself (as were several of your previous ones, and their grandfathers), isn’t it kind of hypocritical to call for a kind of “civility” in discourse wherein nobody gets called a Nazi, or even compared to one? Yeah. But not if you’re a right-wing spin doctor. Because accountability is for everyone EXCEPT them…and their Nazi clients.

11. Jim Fucking Bakker. Oh, now he’s blaming WITCHES for his downfall? Uh-huh. Once more, with feeling: Accountability is for everyone except oneself…and one’s own rapey penis.

12. Anna Fucking Kooiman. Because nothing is funnier than a horrible, unenviable death, amirite?

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13. Ted Fucking Cruz. No, the Colorado clinic shooter wasn’t a leftist. Or a trans woman. Or…well, anything the Religious Reich is currently trying to claim he is. He’s strictly one of theirs! PS: Nope, nope, no you don’t. You do not get to double down on this blatant lie, Ted. PPS: So, no shortage of condoms = no war on women? Alllll righty then. Meanwhile, women are still having to run gauntlets of screaming hatemongers for basic medical care which may not even be an abortion, and some employers still won’t include the Pill or an IUD in their medical insurance, although Viagra is ALWAYS on hand. Yeah, no war indeed. PPPS: Put your hands together for this guy, folks…he’s doing the Lord’s work.

14. Hugh Fucking Hewitt. Never met a violent “pro-life activist”, Hughie? Really? Well, I guess you never heard of Eric Fucking Rudolph, then. Or James Charles Fucking Kopp, formerly known as Atomic Dog. Or, hell, just checked all the murder-cheering flotsam and jetsam that posts “pro-life” shit on Twitter.

15. Erick Fucking Erickson. And in other news of morons with overly alliterative names, we’ve got this one. Who should just be thankful that he’s not in prison yet for inciting terrorism, violence and riots.

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16. Scott Fucking Walker. Not that it’s been an entirely bad couple of weeks, at least in cheesehead country; Stoopid Scotty got smacked down on his draconian abortion law, AND now he’s getting sued over the gerrymander that stole him the election. Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah.

17. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Like the graphic at the top says. Really. And in Billo’s case, the facts are that he just can’t bring his wrinkly ass to admit that the Planned Parenthood video was fucking bogus…even now, TWO FUCKING MONTHS after the makers did. And he’s still butthurt about his part in the murder of Dr. George Tiller being pinned on him, too.

18. Donald Fucking Spitz. And speaking of butthurt and stochastic terrorism, there’s the head of the so-called “Army of God”, who are not an army, and whom God wants no part of. But hey! At least he’s not a hypocrite about being open in his calls for violence, bloodshed and murder, so there’s that.

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19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. And in other news, the Breeder wants us to keep paying attention to her. Which, given the high percentage of her utterances that are memorably idiotic, could definitely happen.

20. Nicolás de Jesús Fucking López Rodríguez. Oh myyyy. Sounds like somebody’s jealous of somebody else. How else to explain how an old queen in a long gown could be so bitter about a gay-married US ambassador? That celibacy vow is really a sad, sad thing…and so are the high-ranking churchmen who must (seem to) abide by it.

21. JoAnn Fucking Windholz. That’s right, blame the victims. It’s what God intended, innit? PS: Nice use of eagle symbolism. So original! PPS: And also,

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Wow, that was…coherent. If anyone can explain to me what the fuck she means by the bit about cocker spaniels, please feel free to drop a line in the comments slot below. Or better still, just interrogate her where she lives. Ha, ha.

22. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Tell ya what, “Coach”…the day you grow a uterus and something else is growing in there, is the day you get to decide what goes on inside any uterus at all. Until then, just shut the fuck up about it, already.

23. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Ah yes, I was wondering when he’d pipe up again. And wouldn’t you know, he decided to support Der Donald’s Nazism with his own fascism. Too bad that the example HE “remembered” was, in fact, nothing more than a Muslim-bashing hate crime.

24. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Why?

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That’s why. How much more fucking opportunistic can you get? And yeah, armed citizens getting involved! GREAT IDEA, JOE.

25. Kylie Fucking Jenner. Vapidity is not a disability. If fame feels “limiting” to you, stop being a stupid fucking famous person, already!

26. Maurice Fucking Newman. Oh, look who’s a tinfoiler: this guy, an actual fucking advisor to Tony Fucking Abbott, the actual fucking PM of Australia! Dude, you need to check your climate science. And take off that industry-funded tinfoil, it’s cutting off circulation to your ‘nads.

27. Katie Fucking Pavlich. Gee, look how easy it is to check your white privilege — just go to a fucking tanning salon! Genius. Why didn’t I (who can’t tan for shit and don’t want to) think of THAT? And just think, this watery diarrhea is what passes for “discourse” on FUX Snooze. And oh yeah, the ol’ “reverse racism” canard made a special guest appearance in disguise, too! How brilliant — like we haven’t heard that fucking bullshit a million times already.

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28. Marco Fucking Rubio. A mistress? A bastard offspring? A bundle of hush money? Gee, who’d of thunk it? Oh wait…religious conservative, dumb, full of shit…how could we NOT of thunk it? Grab a dull knife and some butter — he’s toast.

29. George Fucking Zimmerman. As incredulous as I am that anyone is dumb enough to hook up with him, it appears that somebody was. And now that she’s done with him, he’s vindictive as shit. And islamophobic as hell, too.

30. Cal Fucking Zastrow. Funny how all these ‘wingers are always on about “moral equivalences”, but somehow can’t be arsed to parse the irony of that phrase when it comes to themselves. They’re all about fetal personhood, but self-awareness as fully formed adult human beings? NOPE. Kindly spare us the “humble invitations” to “repent of our sins”, fucko — how about you repent of your dumbth, instead?

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31. Michael Fucking Welner. Never mind that the motive for the San Bernardino massacre is still unknown at this writing; it looks like one of FUX Snooze’s diploma-mill “doctors” has it all figured out. And it is…dumbroll please…”the state of feminism in Muslim countries”! Brilliant diagnosis, doc. Sounds like it was pulled out of a hat…an ASShat, that is.

32. Alex Fucking Jones. The king of all tinfoilers and twoofers is puzzled because the San Bernardino massacre doesn’t fit the usual pattern of what he has a nasty habit of characterizing as “false flags”? Everybody duck and cover, because when this one’s cerebral artery finally blows, it’s gonna get awful grody out.

33. Ethan Fucking Couch. Remember him? The kid who drank, drove, and killed innocent strangers due to a bad case of “affluenza”? Well, he’s still got it…and he’s violating his ten-year probation by drinking. While still underage, at that. But what do you bet his rich daddy and white privilege will come to the rescue, yet again?

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34. Paul Fucking Ryan. Awwww. Isn’t it touching how devoted he is to the rights of terrorists — oh sorry, the “mentally ill”? He actually WANTS them to be able to buy all the guns their widdle hearts desire…presumably to shoot up all the places their widdle hearts desire, too.

35. Mat Fucking Staver. No, Kim Fucking Davis doesn’t get to be Person of the Year, unless you’re talking Mad Magazine. Also, the First Amendment clearly states that Congress shall make no laws promoting an official religion. Which means, NO IMPOSING YOUR OWN RELIGION ON THE STATE. You fucking moron.

36. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Because no wanklist would be complete without Hucky Fudd pontificating on issues he knows fuck-all about, here he is tying Syrian refugees to the San Bernardino massacre…which was not committed by Syrians OR any other refugees.

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37. Carlos Fucking Curbelo. No, honey, Der Donald is not a Democratic “phantom candidate” designed to make your party look stupid. They don’t need any help in that department, and you’re ample proof of that fact.

38. Peter Fucking Johnson, Jr. As might be expected from a guy whose name is dick twice over, his “analysis” is doubly fucking stupid. How else to tie San Bernardino to the imaginary War on Christmas?

39. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Greed is good yadda yadda yadda, should have charged more yadda yadda yadda, should get his ass handed to him yet again yadda yadda yadda.

40. Sarah Fucking Palin. Stop being so namby-pamby, people! Do what she’s doing: Confront Daesh with your diamond cross and your bulletproof aura of self-righteousness! Yeah, that’ll stop terrorism. ‘Murica!

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And finally, to all the fucking politicians I haven’t been able to list here, who’d rather pray in public than do something actually brave about the massive fucking gun nut problem in the US of A. This week, it seems, all of Twitter finally stood up on its hind legs and told them off. And it was GLORIOUS. I swear, I actually heard angels singing! Could this mean that worm is finally turning? Let us pray.

Good night, and get fucked!

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