Wankers of the Week: Bumfight at the Nokay Corral

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that shitshow down the Oregon Trail? If you ever wanted to see a graphic demonstration of how Manfest Destiny and white supremacism are bullshit, you came to the right place. The dregs of humanity have picked one sad hill to die on, and it seems that they’re determined to do just that, in the stupidest and most pointless way possible. Not surprisingly, this has been a banner week for wankers, so here they are, in no particular order:

1. Peter Fucking Munk. He donated more than the legal amount to the Conservative party…THREE FUCKING TIMES. Ordinarily I would be mad, but they lost the last election and appear to be fucked for the foreseeable future. I only hope that someday soon, he’ll kick himself over this bad investment…from behind the bars at Millhaven.

2. Simon Fucking Danczuk. Is anyone else chuffed by the irony of a conservative British Labour MP being caught with his pants down, almost literally? No? Well, would it help if I mentioned that he wrote a book exposing a peer from another party as a pedophile? And that he’s been caught textually harassing a teenager? Yeah, I thought that might do it.

3. Art Fucking Roderick. Never mind that a bunch of armed and dangerous wackos conspiring to overthrow the government (that’s TREASON!) have just basically stolen an entire building. They’re still not thugs, says this bozo, because they’re not “looting”? I guess “looting” is one more media euphemism for existing while black now.

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4. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Well, so much for that vaunted male superiority in all things. Roosh V and all his lesser douches suffer from a distinct lack of basic reading comprehension. But then again, as more than one wag has pointed out on the tweeter, this all fits with the pickup assholes’ inability to hear the word NO.

5. Greg Fucking Abbott. I never thought I’d see the day when I actually became nostalgic for Gubnor Goodhair (i.e. Rick “Crotch” Perry), but this guy just went and made me do it. Crotch was a lot of kinds of fucked-up, but at least he didn’t actively call for the assassination of his own president. This guy, on the other hand…

6. Deneen Fucking Borelli. Moron, please. Learn the meanings of words. “Outreach” does not mean what you think it does. It is not “overgrowth of government”, “government gone wild”, or anything else that the bubbleheads of FUX Snooze love to say they hate in a government. And “federal land” doesn’t mean the feds own it; it means that the public, that is, the PEOPLE own it (as opposed to a few incompetent, deadbeat private ranchers like the Bundy KKKlan), and the government merely appoints stewards to manage it and keep it healthy. Did any of you dumbFUX ever take a civics class and pass it? Doesn’t smell that way.

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7. Alex Fucking Jones. BoogaboogaboogaGEORGESOROS! BoogaboogaboogaFALSEFLAG! BoogaboogaboogaINFILTRATORS! And amid all the booga-booga-booga, not one word of sense, much less an explanation as to how George Soros — that busy, busy bastard! — manages to infiltrate all those “patriot militia” kiddie-armies to turn them all into their own worst enemies. Uh, maybe because they don’t need anyone else’s help to lapse into complete and utter fascist lunacy? And because the only “martial law” that’s in danger of engulfing the land is the kind these bozos themselves would enact if they had their widdle druthers? PS: WTF is “soft martial law”, anyway? Is that where the gummint comes armed with bolsters and duvets to engage these yeehawdis in a pillow-fight?

8. Jon Fucking Ritzheimer, AGAIN. Send him $10 million, he’s gonna get his ass shot off by the feds — or so he says. Better still, don’t send him or any of the rest of those assclowns a cent, or a single bag of Cheetos. They’ll give up their siege at the bird sanctuary once they start running low on food, because let’s face it, they wouldn’t know how to eat a songbird. That’s for the French, and these guys ain’t no cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys. Well, except for the orange fake cheese that’s on the Cheetos, maybe. PS: Ha, ha.

9. Ethan Fucking Couch, AGAIN. $2,100 for booze and strippers — that’s how much Affluenza Boy’s mom had to pay to bail him out when the Mexican joints where he got bombed kicked him out and had him escorted back to his hotel to make sure they got their money. At this rate, that spoiled brat is well on his way to liver cirrhosis. Too bad he’s not also on his way to face justice back home.

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10. Anne Fucking Graham Fucking Lotz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid you’d have to be to believe in a Rapture at all, much less that same-sex marriage will bring it about. Lady, we’ve had it up here in Canada for over ten years now. Do you see any of us getting yoinked skyward sans clothes because of it? Nope…we’re all much too busy living and dying the way people normally do. Because it hasn’t affected anyone’s life here in any way except positively, for those who want to marry a same-sex partner. And that’s all as it should be.

11. Michele Fucking Fiore. Hooray, Cancer Fungus Twit is posing with guns again. And in tacky clothing again, too! This time, it’s for a “Second Amendment” calendar…which, with any luck, won’t sell a single copy. Let’s hope her term soon ends without a repeat, too.

12. Mike Fucking Vanderboegh. Yes, go on telling yourself that the idiots in Oregon are really “working for the government”. Sorry, Vanderbozo, but this is your circus, and those are YOUR flying monkeys. And they are the logical outcome of what happens when people don’t learn what an actual militia is or does. (Hint: an actual militia is under command of the government, not its own winged simian leaders. Why else would the US constitution, a document setting out the basic outlines for the US government, ever mention it?)

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13. Cale Fucking Hartmann. Oh, boo fucking hoo, your name is now famous for all the wrong reasons! Yeah, well, you should have thought of all that BEFORE you lifted a hand on your former girlfriends, shouldn’t you?

14. John Fucking Kasich. Wow. Biggest news of the week and he never even heard of it, even though one of his closest strategists has? How is he running for president when he can’t keep abreast of federal issues — and federal lawbreakers who might, if it came down to it, try to undermine HIS authority, too?

15. Ammon Fucking Bundy. Newsflash: The people of Harney County (and indeed, ALL Oregon) ARE free already. They don’t need you to come in there hijacking their public buildings (a bird sanctuary, no less) to “free” them or even “assist” them in “claiming their rights”. Unlike you, the overwhelming majority of them didn’t sleep through civics class. They KNOW their rights. They also know how to use dictionaries, and they understand the meaning of words. You? Not so much. PS: How about decrying the tyranny of federal loans, you fuckin’ mooch?

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16. Holly Fucking Jones. Yeah, how dare that poor sick woman throw a heart attack and ruin your widdle New Year’s Eve din-din? Doesn’t she know what a special snowflake you are? Or that horrible restaurant owner who put another human life ahead of your “business”? WAAAAAAA! Oh, wait, you sez you wuz hacked? But you still demand “respect”? Yeah, pull the other one, because no one believes you. What were they supposed to do to “respect” you, throw a tablecloth over her and leave her to die while you sorted out your $700 bar tab? Idiot.

17. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Just because YOU use transparent manipulative strategies on other people doesn’t mean the POTUS does, you racist twit. Now, don’t you have some dude to go home to and do the horizontal hula with, or make a fucking sammitch for?

18. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Nice to see that John Jacob Jingleheimer hasn’t lost his whackjobbity, struggling-to-remain-relevant edge, eh? Yeah, summary execution of judges who don’t rule the way you want them to when it comes to arson and poaching on public land. GREAT idea. Spread it far and wide, and hear the laughter echoing back from the hills!

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19. Mike Fucking Coffman. You STILL don’t know that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii? D’oh. Then you’d better shut up about gun issues too, because I doubt you’re capable of processing a goddamn thing.

20. Dean Del Fucking Mastro. Well, well. Look who’s back in the news again. Good ol’ Dino. Only now, he’s no longer in office, and his party’s no longer in power, so all the appeals in the world won’t help him. Looks like this court case is gonna be some fun to watch, even if the outcome IS a foregone conclusion.

21. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Clearly he DID go to a bad law school. Because how else to explain that he doesn’t understand the first thing about the constitutional separation of church and state?

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22. Jeb Fucking Bush. How thick IS that plastic bubble, Jebby? He seriously thinks his brother Dubya is “popular”, after all this time? And after the latter was all but drummed out of the White House personally by the Obamas, to loud cheers from the crowd? A man this far out of touch doesn’t deserve to be president, no matter who joins his campaign — but it’s really hilarious when it’s his brother, the doofus who made Epic Fail a presidential thing. PS: Crackhead’s daddy says WHAT?

23. Tom Fucking Cotton. Say, isn’t it illegal to take money from foreign powers to lobby the US government without at least registering as a foreign agent? Yes…yes, it is. But somehow it doesn’t matter if it’s Israel or one of its PACs. Or if you make a cool million off it. Then, it’s just bidness as usual for a congresscritter!

24. Rick Fucking Wiles. Why the hell would Obama want to start a civil war, let alone be happy about it? You’re thinking of those morons in Oregon, fuckhead.

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25. Fucking PETA. Frankly, the headline on this piece should read “Jerky Vegans Bring Vegan Jerky to Non-Vegan Jerks”. Are you all TRYING to alienate the majority of people in the world, PETA? If so, good job…AGAIN. And way to help prolong that idiotic standoff, too.

26. Roy Fucking Moore. Oh gawd, this guy again. What is he still doing in judicial robes, anyway? He should have been de-benched long ago. Thankfully, not everyone is taking his judicial ordure lying down.

27. Tony Fucking Spears. Pro tip, all you media types out there: When writing of adults sexually abusing 13-year-olds, the word to use is not “tryst”, it is RAPE. It doesn’t matter what the persons in question “subjectively” perceived their relationship to be. It is objectively rape, because 13-year-olds cannot legally give consent in Canada. The age of consent here is 16, and even if the victim is that age or older, “consent” still does not apply to teacher-student relationships, which are ALWAYS sexually off limits. To speak of it in any other terms is to perpetuate rape culture. Got that? Good. Now cut that shit out!

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28. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Newsflash, Batshit: The Middle Ages ended 400 years ago. Nobody burns people at the stake anymore. Not even for supposedly violating crucifixes. However, we do jail people who try to do that to others, now. You don’t want to know what that’s like, do you? No? Good. Then cut that shit out!

29. Brad Fucking Wall. Could you possibly get more heartless, brainless, feckless, gormless, and soulless? I mean, if anyone belongs behind prison bars, eating bad food, it’s THIS guy. And maybe if he were, even just for a day or two, he wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss inmates’ concerns about the slop private contractors (with a bad reputation that preceded them) are trying to palm off on them.

30. Harold Fucking Covington. If you want a white Utopia on the Pacific Northwest, whitey, you’re gonna have to deal with the actual natives of the land, who are not impressed by your shit:

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31 and 32. Brian Fucking Cavalier and Blaine Fucking Cooper. Well, well, what have we HERE? An ex-Marine who’s nothing of the sort? A guy with a rap sheet as long as his arm, maybe more, CLAIMING to have been in the USMC, and therefore having a licence to “rage”? And another one who signed on, but never even made it to boot camp? The more layers one peels off the Oregon Onion, the more fraud just seems to come along with them, eh?

33. Joe Fucking Oshaugnessy. And speaking of “militia” frauds, how about this guy? Drinking away all the donations that were supposed to keep his co-cultists in snacks. Yeah, there’s the kind of guy who should be sovereign over the federal lands of Oregon…

34. Paul Fucking LePage. Yes, by all means, do go on blaming outsiders for your own criminal ineptitude at controlling the drug problem in your state, governor. And keep pilin’ on that gratuitous racism, too, it’s a great distraction from things you should be doing but aren’t. What were you elected for, again? PS: And now he’s trying to make out like he’s not racist because Maine is so largely white? Nice try, Booze Nose.

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35. William Fucking Cornelius. Wow. He buys his girlfriend a $30 Wal-Mart engagement ring, then goes on to steal some sex toys and edible undies for her before passing out in a food court while trying to tie his shoes? And to think they say romance is dead…

36. The Fucking Oregon State Police. Yes, that’s right, ALL of them. Since no one among them seems interested in interrupting, or even monitoring the shitshow at the bird sanctuary, they can, collectively, be presumed guilty of aiding and abetting terrorism. Get your shit together, guys, these people really want there to be another Waco. You have the power to end it peacefully, so set up those roadblocks, cut all utilities, and don’t let anything in or out until they give themselves up!

37. Jerry Fucking DeLemus. Oh great, look who else has joined the fray. Holy Hannah! When they finally clear those damn terrorist squatters out of Oregon, someone is gonna have to come in and clean up a shitload of bat guano from the bird sanctuary.

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38. Ted Fucking Cruz. Y’know, I couldn’t blame the US if they decided to deport him right now. The problem is, neither Canada (where he was born) nor Cuba (where his family’s from) wants him. Sorry, guys, you’re stuck with the fucker. Lo siento muchísimo.

39. George Fucking Zimmerman. It’s getting harder and harder to refrain from praying that he gets into an altercation with a fellow ammosexual, and that the other guy wins, isn’t it?

40. Charles Fucking Koch. Bawwwww. One of the Kochtopus’s two hydra heads is disappointed! And yet, he’s still willing to spend $900 million on further disappointments. I’m sure his beneficiaries will be bawling all the way to the bank.

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And finally, to the rapey, racist, sad-ass motherfucker who sent me this lovely little missive just yesterday:

Author: REFUGEES DINDU NUFFIN (IP: 173.176.31.112, modemcable112.31-176-173.mc.videotron.ca)

Email: refugees@dindunuffin.com

lol @ this super insane, hopelessly broken whore. Put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger – trust me, you won’t be missed.

Isn’t that just so cute? As though I would take orders from my inferiors.

You’d have to be some special kind of stupid if you think white guys don’t do just what the accused of Köln allegedly did. Or if you even think they were all refugees. Well, guess what — there was an American visitor among the arrestees, as well as three totally white Germans. And if you think white men don’t do even worse than those guys, then take a gander at these all-white Brits and get back to me. Frankly, white men (which I assume you yourself are) have absolutely nothing to be proud of when it comes to sexual molestation of the vulnerable.

BTW, “Dindu Nuffin” is a racist reference to black people, based on how they supposedly all talk. Never mind that most of them have far better language skills than Trolly here. (And better reading comprehension, too, since Trolly dropped it on an entry which was not even about black people. Apparently his eyesight is as poor as his reading comprehension, and his color vision is as defective as his frontal lobes.)

Hope you enjoy seeing your IP and ISP posted for all the world to see, Trolly; that is, if you can still see them. I’ve already banned you, and notified your provider that you’re abusing their system. And if the scrutiny gets too intense for you, why not take your own so-called advice? Hell, you can even stick your widdle bang-bang gun up your anus if you want; it’s virtually indistinguishable from your mouth anyway, seeing as the same thing comes out of both.

Good night, and get fucked!

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