Crappy weekend, everyone! What a week it’s been, too. The standoff in Oregon is FINALLY over, and the trouble in Flint has only just begun. Gotta love those stupid white guys and the toxic sludge they insist on throwing into everything, eh? No wonder we all have trust issues. And here’s who’s out there poisoning the wells this week, in no particular order:
1. Gavin Fucking McInnes. If men have it so much worse, riddle me this: How come they’re in charge of practically everything? If men are so much better at running everything, why is the world such a fucking shithole? I mean, we already HAVE fascism, wars, raw sewage, and rape out the wazoo, dickface. And I’m not the only one who feels men should be held responsible, instead of continuing to skate in unquestioned power.
2. George Fucking Pell. Look who’s pulling a Pinochet, boys and girls! Yes, it’s Cardinal Pell, the Sex Abuse Cover-Upper From Down Under. Funny how he’s suddenly too sick to do anything about the problem he was supposed to be tackling. And when he’s finally off the hook, look for a sudden, “miraculous” recovery. Just like Old You Know Who.
3. Marco Fucking Rubio. Hey ladies, guess who’s not gonna be your next president? This guy…because he’d rather see you have your rapist’s baby than be able to do what you choose about it. You know what to do about him, right? That’s right…ABORT THE CAMPAIGN.
4. Katherine Fucking Loanzon, Esq. Wanna pay for your overpriced law degree, kiddies? Then become a “sugar baby” prostitute! Hey, it’s perfect training for all you larval politicians out there. I mean, what the hell do you want to lawyer for, anyway? A living? Why stand on your own two feet when you can learn to bend over and take a beating from your corporate owner — literally?
5. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Well, well. Look who crawled out of his mommy’s basement…straight into ANOTHER basement. At a cheesy hotel. To give a sad and poorly attended presser where he wanted to bar all the women, because they were bound to snicker through everything he said. And do my eyes deceive me, or did he break out the “Just for Men” beard dye, too? This is about as groomed as I’ve ever seen him look. Still won’t get him any, though. PS: This isn’t gonna help Bearded Basement Boy get any respect, either.
6. Rick Fucking Snyder. Let them eat cake! And let it be shaped like overpriced purses, shopping bags, and costume jewelry…because nothing’s too good for the wife of a water poisoner. Tacky, tacky, tacky!
7. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Pay no attention to that sad gay guy behind her skirts, folks…the Breeder wants you to think she cares about women, because rape! Kidding. Actually, she only cares when it’s brown people doing it to white people, allegedly so that their religion can outbreed hers. Because breeding is everything to the Breeder, don’tcha know?
8. Eric Fucking Trump. Did you know Der Donald has a son? And did you know his son is also an enormous, Nazified asshole? Well, now you do!
10. Donald Fucking Trump. “Maybe Obama doesn’t want to stop terrorism?” Oh, trust me, he DOES. And he has a better plan for tackling it than Der Donald does. Anyone would have a better plan than a man who’s only rich on paper, and who has no plans for tackling anything in the real world, and who thinks mindless drunken bullying IS a plan.
11. Alex Fucking Jones. If hating a culture where stupid white men dominate and spout idiotic shit like he does is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. There, I said it. Somebody had to!
12. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. Not a fan of Beyoncé or anything, but I don’t see how she merits a ban, unless you’re a racist with misogynoir dripping out your ears. As for the Black Panthers, they’ve been getting a bad rap, and the cops have for far too long been getting away with murder. Two words for ya, Jimmy boy: Sammy Yatim.
13. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Only “idiots and morons” support freedom of religion? Gee, I guess the US Founding Fathers were all stupid, then, because every one of them did! Good thing Little Would-Be Hitler here is just a fringe figure at most, but I still think he deserves to be pointed and laughed at, don’t you?
14. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Speaking of the Founders: Yay, Der Donald’s spokesmoron has spoken again! And more stoopid has fallen from her lips! Praise Pussy!
15. Joshua Fucking James. Oh Florida Man, where would my wankapedia be without regular appearances from good ol’ down-home gator-tossing you?
16. Heidi Fucking Cruz. No, dear, your husband will NOT reveal the “face of God”. He has the face of someone with a gerbil up his butt, and that is how the world sees him. Face facts: You pious nincompoops are NOT God. PS: Do we have a scandal here? Why yes, we do! TWO of them!
17. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Uh, white girl? Sit down and shut up. And if you’re gonna talk about race wars, you better look at all the ones your own race is waging against all the others. In fact, you’re a footsoldier in those very same. You were hired to do propaganda for them. And when you stop it, or simply become too embarrassing to keep, you will become expendable.
18. Jenni Fucking Byrne. No, the SupposiTories didn’t lose the last election because they were too good at anything. It’s because they were too rotten to keep, so much so that the PMO was starting to stink, and this was another classic Canadian throw-the-bums-out sweep. And it doesn’t help that Harpo had a deranged campaign manager who kept a seal-killing weapon on her desk, either.
19. Rick Fucking Jones. Never mind that the city of Flint is being literally poisoned by corrosive, contaminated water which is so bad even the fire department can’t use it. No, let’s worry about how people are having sex, and tack homophobic language onto a bill that’s only supposed to ban bestiality, not oral and anal sex. And while we’re at it, let’s accuse the opponents of this shitshow of being poisoners. Yeah, that’ll work!
20. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Well, look what just rolled into town like a tumblin’ tumbleweed! No word on what he was planning to do in Portland, of all places. But given what his followers have been up to in Oregon, it can’t be anything good. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Parasite much? If you’re in the pocket of the Fucking Koch Brothers, you can damn well afford to pay your own attorney.
21. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. And speaking of not-up-to-anything-good, what the fuck was Yeah-Nope doing at Rutgers? Oh, I see…”engag[ing] in the other side of the argument”, whatever the hell that means. What it translates to in real terms: stirring shit, and flinging it around at random. A pity none was literally flung back in his specific direction!
22. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. How the hell does one with so many education credentials still turn out to be such an ill-educated nincompoop? Well, in a word: TEXAS. Where everything’s big, including the meadowmuffins in right-wing skulls.
23. David Fucking Fry. You’re not a “citizen of the constitution”, you moronic oaf. Constitutions are documents, not countries. They don’t have citizens. The United States is a country. You are a citizen of the United States (albeit a very confused and bloody fucking ignorant one), you are in violation of its laws, and you are therefore, finally, UNDER ARREST. Also, your taxes aren’t funding abortion. Capisce?
24. Donald Marvin Fucking Johnson. Because it wouldn’t be a proper wankapedia without an actual wanker. Who was so busy wanking, in fact, that he was literally a danger to public safety on the road. BONUS: He’s a repeat offender; he was also arrested for public indecency after being caught maturbating in his car back in 2008!
25. Martin Fucking Shkreli. You can clown around in front of Congress all you like, but the IRS is less than amused. Pay up, PharmaBro! PS: And you might want to stop buying hip-hop albums just to impress girls, too. You’re gonna need that cash for the taxman, and Kanye West records are, as it stands, a damned unwise place to sink it.
26. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Yes, that’s right, folks, we now know the real name of the twatwaffle formerly known as “Janet Bloomfield”, a.k.a. Judgy Bitch. And we’re not afraid to use it…specifically when calling her idiocy out. So, on that note…Andie, if you think women shouldn’t vote, maybe you should be the first to put your money where your big ol’ overactive mouth is, eh? Because if we left it to people who think like YOU, we’d still have wars, conscription…and refugees out the wazoo.
27. Michael Fucking Savage. Leave it to the Weiner to think that the relative glamour of a politician’s spouse is an important factor in said politician’s electability. No, idiot, politicians’ wives are not there to serve as fap-fodder for dirty old men like you. Oh yeah, and nice anticommunist slurs against a politician who is not an actual communist, too!
28. Pat Fucking Robertson. Uh, Patwa? Nobody does panty raids anymore. And no one did them “in the fraternity”, either, because all they’d get would be grungy, skid-marked tighty-whities, just like their own. And just like yours. PS: If you want to know where in the world socialism has actually worked, the answer is: Everywhere it’s actually been tried.
29. Jason Fucking Melo. Who the hell cares if she cheated or not? You don’t get to force your spouse to walk around in the dead of winter wearing only a towel, which you then rip off her. If you do things like that, asshole, you DESERVE to be cheated on. And dumped for somebody better. (If you’re lucky, she might even make a viral video of YOUR humiliation.)
30. Franklin Fucking Graham. Theocracy, it seems, starts in the mayor’s office. And it’s right there that it must be squelched before it metastasizes to higher levels of government, too.
And finally, to Dylan Fucking Djohan, Ashwin Fucking Kumar, and Waleed Fucking Latif. Apparently, it’s not gang rape anymore if you pay a fine in fucking Croatia. Not even if you drug an under-age victim, drag her to a washroom, and assault her while she’s incapacitated. Oh, and here’s the best part: All three are members of a hypermasculine cult of bodybuilders. “Disregard work, acquire attractive women” indeed. Much macho, so manly, wow, drugging underage girls’ drinks and getting your buddies to hold them while you do the dirty. Do you guys even listen to your idiot selves talking? Or is the ‘roid roar just drowning everything out, starting with your own self-awareness?
Good night, and get fucked!