Wankers of the Week: Bad Friday

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Easter weekend to all who observe it. Know what else I’m observing? Yes, that’s right: Wankers in the wild! And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Marine Fucking Le Pen. All right, who invited this Nazi vache? And who asked her to comment on our immigration policy or our peaceful multicultural society? Nobody? Thought so. But hey, maybe she does have a point, after all. Multicultural societies are in conflict whenever there are fascists in ‘em. Therefore, I propose a new policy: Nazis RAUS!

2. Scott Fucking Willingham. Speaking of Nazis, how about this one? Yup, that thar Bundy idiocy out west is just the shit that keeps on stinking.

3. Sid Fucking Miller. I don’t know what the hell a “Jesus shot” is, but somehow I doubt that you can fit all of him into one little needle. And I also doubt he’d cure what’s really wrong with this right-wing shitferbrains.

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4. Lauren Fucking Houston. I don’t know what’s worse: a realtor being racist, or her writing like an idiotic 13-year-old on her Instagram. Apparently, her employer took a dim view of both.

5. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Why yes, he IS racist. How’d you know? PS: Your “authorization” means NOTHING, Donnie. Sit down. PPS: And keep it classy, y’hear?

6. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Meanwhile, Der Drumpf’s goon in chief is seeing to it that no free speech ever gets uttered at ANY Drumpf rally. And that no female reporter goes unpropositioned, either. Good job, asshole!

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7. Andy Fucking Puzder. No, Putz, a higher minimum wage doesn’t kill jobs. Greedy CEOs looking to milk every cent while keeping employees below the poverty line do a good enough job of that themselves…when they’re not threatening to replace workers with robots, for fucksakes. PS: And fuck right off with your sexist commercials, too.

8. Kristen Fucking Cavallari. What the fuck is she famous for, again? Oh yeah…being “just a mom” who’s also a moron about vaccinations and baby formula. That’s what.

9. John Fucking La Tour. Any excuse to wave your dick at women, eh? Including transphobia, which in this case was completely irrelevant anyway. Oh, and get this: The fucking Duggars love him. Figures!

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10. Matthew P. Fucking Doyle. I’d like to confront him about his apparent need to accost Muslims on the street and demand an explanation from them for terror attacks, but somehow I have the feeling I won’t even get so much as a mealy-mouthed reply. Maybe because he’s already deleted THAT tweet. PS: A real feminist doesn’t go around “confronting” random women about things that have nothing to do with them. Or read the UK Sun, either. PPS: And there you go. He really is a fascist. Thought so!

11. Novak Fucking Djokovich. Surely you djest, sir. But on the off chance that you’re serious, maybe you’d like Serena Williams to do to you what Billie Jean King did to Bobby Riggs, back in the day. I’m sure her hormones are up to the task.

12. The Fucking Benham Brothers. Yes, they’re still homophobic. And they’re totally not in the closet, either!

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13. Cory Fucking Bernardi. Someone clearly hasn’t got any idea what’s really in the Safe Schools program…and it’s not the mother he berated.

14. Robert Fucking Bentley. “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. So-and-So” still doesn’t ring true when you totally did, gubnor.

15. Sage Fucking Dixon. If you have a “little Supreme Court” inside your head, you don’t belong in the legislature; you belong in the booby hatch. And if you don’t understand what your own state constitution says, you also need remedial reading comprehension classes.

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16. Ted Fucking Cruz. Newsflash: The safety of your country, and indeed all of Europe, does not in fact depend on the whereabouts of your president. Also, you’re just jealous because YOU don’t get to go to Cuba and bore them with your bullshit. And good luck getting any Muslims at all to vote for you, too!

17. Jim Fucking Bakker. Riddle me this, Jimmeh: How the hell can Bernie Sanders be “our Hitler” when in fact he’s pretty much everything the real Hitler hated — namely, a leftist, secular Jew? And more importantly: Why the hell are you not dead yet???

18. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. And again, same as for #16: No, the Brussels bombings had NOTHING to do with where Barack Obama was at the time. Christ — the way these dim Repugs talk, you’d think it was his job to police all of Europe singlehandedly!

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19. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Really, Newty? Der Drumpf’s “candidacy” remains as invalid as ever. Brussels changes nothing. It’s not even in the US, remember? Christ, Repugs, go take a geography class!

20. Sarah Fucking Palin. She never even set foot inside a law school, but she wants to be “the next Judge Judy”? The REAL Judge Judy is facepalming even as I write.

21. Wayne La Fucking Pierre. If you have so many guns, why aren’t you smart? Sorry, The Peter, but you just walked right into that one. Just like you walked into that unaccredited “university”. Ha, ha.

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22. John Fucking Deighan. Condoms are “very ineffective”? Well, I guess that explains his entire existence, then. Nice to see that Scotland has just as stupid a Religious Reich as the US of Amnesia.

23. M.H. Fucking Wiebe. Y’know, in my grandma’s day, they used to say that every child cost you a tooth; nowadays, it’s a whole brain lobe’s worth of neurons. Srsly, between her and #8, “just a mom concerned about X” is becoming a very toxic phrase. When did becoming a mother start to mean that your IQ had to drop through a hole in the sub-basement floor?

24. Mike Fucking Pence. Nice of him to make sure that fetuses with severe, life-threatening abnormalities don’t get aborted, even if doing so would save the mother’s life. I guess he’s just paying his own mother’s misery forward, eh?

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25. Jeremy Fucking Irons. And speaking of men who have no business to be speaking about abortion, how about him? I think “fartbag” is entirely too nice a thing to call him, BTW. Not only because it’s an insult to ACTUAL fartbags, but because the proper thing to call him is “Daddy should have shot it in the sink that night”.

26. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Meanwhile, in the Middle East, another all-too-lucky sperm is making even all-too-lucky sperms look bad. Shuddup, Bibi!

27. Shawna Fucking Cox. And speaking of people who need to stop speaking altogether, how about her? Apparently, trashing the Malheur bird sanctuary and digging shit-pits straight through an indigenous archeological site is now “cleaning up and fixing things”. Words: What DO they mean?

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28. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Wow, antisemitism and misogyny! Two terrible tastes that taste even shittier together! And such an original combination, too!

29. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Yup, still babbling. And hasn’t yet worn that fetus necklace she promised us. Ante up and then STFU, already.

30. Glenn Fucking Beck. Have I listed Biff yet this week? No? Well, now I have. Enjoy!

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And finally, to the fucking judge in the fucking Ghomeshi case. Yes, William Fucking Horkins, this means YOU! Come on down! You’re the next contestant on What the Fuck Were You Thinking?! Because that’s the million-dollar question on everyone’s lips after this predictably awful case went down like a burning blimp. You had every opportunity to restrain Marie Fucking Henein from whacking those complainants, and you didn’t, even though what she was doing there was highly unethical (not to mention ILLEGAL) and wouldn’t be allowed in any other kind of criminal case. You could have demanded that the defendant, you know, ACTUALLY FUCKING DEFEND HIMSELF and take the damn stand on his own behalf, so we could hear HIS version of the story (which I’m sure would have been a lulu, given that famous Facebook entry). You could have given the Crown fair opportunity to cross-examine him, and call expert witnesses to explain why the inconsistencies in the complainants’ stories weren’t willful lies, but likely just more evidence of trauma poorly remembered after so many years of trying to repress it. You didn’t do that, either. In fact, all you DID do was confirm why so many women have lost trust in the justice system. I’ve already said as much as I care to on that subject. All that’s really left for me, now, is to note how disgustingly in character this was, not just for you, but for our sexist criminal justice system on the whole. Given its highly adversarial nature, I can’t honestly say I’m surprised that when a defendant is presumed innocent until proven otherwise, the reverse must therefore hold true for his accusers. But hey! I’m sure you’ll get plenty of opportunities to issue a judiciously worded mea culpa when the worst happens. Just remember, Yeronner: You let that happen. That shame is on YOU.

Good night, and get fucked!

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