Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, we pay tribute to the late Nancy Reagan, whose legacy is the disastrous “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign, and whose finest hour was the one in which she turned her back on an old friend who was dying of AIDS. I say we Just Say No to mourning for her, and get on with life. And what does life hold for us this week? WANKERS! And here they come, in no particular order:
1. Rebecca Fucking Bradley. I know people write stupid things when they’re young, and even stupider things when they’re young and conservative. But seriously: Claiming gay sex “kills”? Tell it to all my gay friends, Becky, they’re still very much alive, and still having sex, too. I don’t see it killing them any time soon. PS: Well, well. Look what other idiocy she horked up. She hates women, too. Well, Becky, this woman feels the same, but only towards YOU.
3. Ken Fucking Ham. Suppose you were a Young Earth Creationist. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself.
4. Gary Fucking Glenn. Oh, so you want it to be illegal to be gay? Careful, those skeletons in your closet are dancing a merry jig…
5. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. Nancy Reagan “brought style and glamour back to the White House”? Wow, that was quite the achievement…although she never did hold a candle to Jackie Kennedy, who could do that in her sleep. But hey! If by “style and glamour” you mean racism, homophobia, and her own personal astrologer, yeah, she brought it, all right.
6. Joe Fucking Silk. Good luck trying to enforce that anti-abortion bill, dude. For that matter, good luck getting it passed. Even Oklahoma isn’t THAT fucking stupid.
7. Ralph Fucking Gilbertson. If your biblical beliefs forbid you from harming anyone, then why are you toting guns — which are made for the express purpose of KILLING? There’s not a word in the bible about THEM, after all.
8. Stuart Fucking Vener. Racist puts on blackface to mock non-white people? Well, that’s original.
9. Stephen Fucking Stewart. WWJD? Pimp out his bright young daughter to the highest bidder in Christianity Today, natch.
10. Matt Fucking Walsh. WEWJD? Stop “masses of oblivious, clueless, noncontributing people” from voting. Hey Matty, since you’re all of those things, how about YOU just not vote? Problem solved!
11. Michele Fucking Fiore. Oh look, an idiot is running for Congress! What’s the opposite of PROgress, again?
12. Lauren Fucking Southern. Awwwww. Did getting doused with a big, bad bottle of Perrier dampen more than just her bleached hair? Sure smells that way, because now Widdle Ms. Butthurt is taking it to the tweeter to try to “trigger” others with as much dumbth as her pea brain can muster. Something tells me she was a real hit on the school playground in kindergarten.
(Yes, that IS a real Whisper. And no, I did not generate it.)
13. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. How long do you suppose it will be before his pseudonymous profile turns up on a gay dating site or Grindr? Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents.
14. Carl Fucking Gallups. Is anyone seriously surprised to see that the Drumpf campaign in Florida has aligned itself with the worst of the far-right idiot fringe? No? Me neither.
15. Adam Fucking Perkins. If laziness and shiftlessness are bred in the bone, as this intellectually shiftless lazy bonehead claims they are, then what explains HIS intellectual wankery? Is that a genetic trait, too? Is it dominant, or recessive? What chromosome is it on, and what is the nucleotide sequence of it? And, more to the point: What diploma mills graduated this fucking wankstain, whose idiocy is being lapped up by the right-wing media and its allied stink tanks? And why the hell does he have a platform for it at all?
16. Jamie Fucking Gilt. Who the hell teaches a 4-year-old to SHOOT? Someone who just got shot in the back by her 4-year-old, natch. Karma, meet “Gun Sense” dogma. PS: And my, isn’t she pretty…pretty STUPID, that is. And also grand…as in grand theft retail. Yep, that’s right…she stole $500 worth of shorts from a department store. Because good guys with guns, or some such.
17. Guy Fucking Benson. Tolerate the intolerant? No fucking thanks…and I say this as a straight person who has nothing to lose to them. Nothing, that is, except potentially the lives of all my many LGBT friends, whom the intolerant would like nothing better than to kill with impunity.
18. Michael Fucking Savage. No, sorry, Mr. Weiner, but your theory is implausible. Why? Because the late and unlamented Judge Scalia was obviously too old and unwell to get it up for anyone, no matter how much she cost.
19. Luke Fucking Gottwald, AGAIN. How can we miss you if you don’t go away? Oh well, the Sony/Kemosabe Records boycott continues.
20. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. FEAR FEAR TERROR TERROR BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! Also, please buy this Easter ham to support the HarpoCons in the name of dead soldiers! Uh, how about you fuck OFF?
21. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Oh look, he’s being sued for violating immigration law in his “Trump Model Management LLC” dealings. Also, he’s only actually making somewhere south of $500,000 a year! It’s so bad that he’s actually stealing other people’s tips! And he’s awfully un-ballsy about his own racism! And that of his inbred goon squads, too! PS: Make you president, or else? How about NO? Anyway, your supporters aren’t scary. Take away their guns, and all they are is white guys who run like pregnant cattle. Fuck them, and fuck YOU.
22. Ammon Fucking Bundy. The government’s case against you is “starting to unravel”? Funny thing to say as additional federal charges are being slapped on all your clown-car brigade of yeehawdis, and as new video is released of LaVoy Fucking Finicum definitively committing suicide-by-cop.
23. John Fucking McGraw. If you’re not too old to sucker-punch a random black protester at a Drumpf rally, you’re not too old to get the book thrown at you, either. But at 78, you really ought to be old enough to know better. PS: This should be good for extra jail time. Congrats, you’re a total asshole!
24. Angela Fucking Wozniak. Oh, surprise! Family Values = having an affair with your intern, then sexually harassing him until you no longer get to have any! And the kicker? She campaigned on that platform after her predecessor — a Democrat — got booted out of office for a sex scandal of his own. You’d think someone would learn from that, but noooo!
25. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Congratulations, Frau Knauss, on your overpriced new skincare line made of fish eggs. And congratulations, too, on your extreme poor taste all around. One more Drumpf Fail, coming right down!
26. Louie Fucking Gohmert. His lips are moving and noises are coming out, so I’m 100% positive that Gomer just said something gargantuanly stupid. And whaddya know.
27. Robert Fucking Morrow. He’s promising to out all the “closeted homosexuals”? Better come out of the closet himself first. Screaming homophobia is always a dead giveaway as to who the real closet cases are, and this one clearly spends WAY more time thinking about gay sex than any out gay guy ever. (I predict we’ll soon be seeing him caught on Grindr, too.)
28. Rick Fucking Joyner. So, according to fundie math, a “day of creation” is actually 1,000 years. And since the Earth is not quite 7,000 years old yet (by their reckoning), I guess that means God isn’t even done creating us yet. Which kind of plays havoc with the whole Genesis story and all that cal.
29. Thomas Fucking Robb. Jesus wasn’t a Jew! Whites are the REAL Chosen People! Der Drumpf is the Messiah! Honestly, this kind of ahistorical shit is idiotic even by fundamentalist religious standards. Which, by Jove, make bags of hammers and boxes of rocks look positively brilliant by comparison.
30. Ben Fucking Carson. Yes, he’s still alive. Yes, he’s still talking. And yes, all the noises coming out of his mouth-hole are still inane and awful. Thankfully, he’s no longer relevant, and with this latest endorsement, he’s pretty much nailed his own coffin shut. Go home, Ben, and admire your self-portraits all over the walls, willya?
And finally, to the idiot wankers of the media, for studiously — and STUPIDLY — “not understanding” the whole Bernie Sanders phenomenon. First there was the Washington Post, with its steady barrage of articles bashing the Bern. Then it was all the pundits “trying to make sense” of his victory in Michigan — and in Muslim-heavy Dearborn, of all places. To hear them talk, you’d think Jews and Muslims were obligated by some kind of religious law to hate one another, when anyone who has friends from both groups knows that that is most certainly not the case. Especially among progressives, who are actively working to make all prejudice a thing of the past, in politics and elsewhere. But hey! Don’t let me rip the blinders from your eyes. Keep right on stumbling until you hit November, you guys, and then you can be stunned all over again when Bernie kicks Der Drumpf’s ass — or, if not him, then whoever else the Repugs have decided to wheel out in a desperate pitch for the White House.
Good night, and get fucked!