Wankers of the Week: Bathroom Bandits, part D’oh

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all you bathroom bigots out there. You’re not the only game in town, but you sure are a fixture in here. Sort of like a very dirty, broken toilet. And here’s who’s getting the royal flush THIS week:

1. David Fucking Brumbaugh. No, banning abortion will not fix your tanking economy. God doesn’t deal in cash. But more importantly: Bringing more unwanted mouths into a world where the food is running out — or a state that’s deep in the hole, as Oklahoma is — will only make your problems worse. Honestly, if God wasn’t okay with terminating unwanted pregnancies, would She even allow those pregnancies to happen in the first place?

2. Anita Fucking Staver. No, fuckhead, your Glock doesn’t “identify” as your bodyguard, because guns are inanimate objects. They don’t HAVE identities. Also, you’re not allowed to carry in Target stores anywhere. And you are clearly not mentally fit to be carrying any kind of weapon, because your brain is an inanimate object, too.

3. Tracy Fucking Murphfree. And again with the threats of violence against imaginary trans predators! Big nasty talk from a man with a feminine-sounding first name. Surely someone’s not overcompensating for something, is he?

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4. Kristen Fucking Lindsey. No, you don’t get to keep your vet’s licence. You shot a pet cat with a crossbow, for fucksakes. How the hell does that make you qualified to care for anyone’s kitty in a clinical setting?

5. Keith Fucking Ablow. Anyone who suggests what this motherfucker does as a “treatment” for trans people, ought to be subjected to it himself first. To cure him of his conservatism, natch.

6. Alex Fucking Jones. Any day now, this racist moron is finally going to go splat all over the ceiling. Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents…

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7. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. Pre-kindergarten is WHAT? Oh HELL no. Fuck off, and burn your ugly flag shirts, you horrid woman.

8. Ted Fucking Cruz. Trans and can’t quite pass? Then you’ll just have to pee at home, says Grandpa Munster’s Evil Twin. Jaysus H. Christ…how much longer, do you think, before he’s caught in a wide stance, or sending dickpix to some random victim on the internets? Place yer bets… PS: And he’s already picked his running mate. Someone whose credibility is just as far down the shitter as his is, if not further. Fitting! PPS: Welp. If even Boner doesn’t like you…

9. Pat Fucking McCrory. Voting should be as hard as buying sinus meds? In a state well known for its high rate of crystal-meth production, that’s not saying much, is it? But thanks, gubnor with the gender-ambiguous name, for your vote of confidence in democracy. NC voters will be remembering that next time you’re up for election. PS: Ha, ha. Discreetly pwned by the very people you’re trying to persecute. Looks good on ya.

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10. Larry Fucking Hug. Racial slurs and insulting the Marines? That’s a paddlin’. Ha, ha.

11. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. Change your name to Brainless Airhead, honey…because that’s what you’d have to be, not only to work for FUX Snooze, but to think that God has any influence over elections at all. Unless, like me, you understand that vox populi is vox dei. Or to put it in terms even a kindergartner can understand: The voters are God.

12. Margaret Fucking Wente. Yay, more WenteWanks! Yes, she’s plagiarizing again. Or STILL, rather, since there’s nothing to indicate that she ever quit. True, it’s not a direct cut-and-paste lift, but it’s not exactly original work either, and there’s still no excuse for tolerating it. Even this satirical solution to the Wente Problem is better than reading any more of her inane, out-of-touch maunderings, which could just as easily have been generated through this satire page. PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

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13. William Fucking Tapley. Why no, sir, you don’t sound a BIT irrational. But don’t you think it’s just a wee bit unsporting of you to lay spurious charges against a singer who is dead and can no longer defend himself? And don’t you think you had better learn something — ANYTHING — about Prince before you start formulating cockamamie theories about him?

14. Ken Fucking Ham. If you’re going to spout religious nonsense on Twitter, be prepared for an awful lot of little birdies to shit on you…and your ark of “salvation”. No olive branches for YOU!

15. Dan Fucking Patrick. Oh yay, now Texas is mulling going the same way as North Fucking Carolina. Secessionists are all so boringly alike!

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16. Steven Fucking Waits. And Alabama, too. Jesusland is nothing if not stupidly consistent.

17. Reuben Fucking DeHaan. Meanwhile, in North Fucking Carolina, we’ve got a proud “medicine man” for the Wannabe Injun Tribe, evading taxes for selling quack cures and practicing a bogus “religion”. And a whole lotta slobberin’ shittizen prepper tactics thrown into the unholy mix.

18. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yes, he’s still wanking. And this week, not only is it the bound-to-lose “woman card”, it’s also dumb-ass speeches on foreign policy, exploitation of closed factories, a swinish hoax, and pissing all over Vietnam vets with a syphilitic dick. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the Kluker endorsement, and his alleged dealings with that infamous pimp of preteens, Jeffrey Fucking Epstein. And just think, he’s the Repug front-runner. Anyone with an R on their voter registration should be ashamed.

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19. Austin Fucking Misiak. Who needs bathroom and pants laws when you have creeps trying to fuck in a public pool — and trying to beat up on kids who are telling them to stop? Priorities, people!

20. Bill Fucking Haslam. Oh yay, Tennessee has gone full Jesus Koolaid, too. Prepare for shit-scented fallout, y’all.

21. Andy Fucking Park. Oh Florida Man, you never disappoint. You fucking toilet troll, you.

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22. Brooklyn Fucking Marie Fucking Fink. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic and pretentious and totally up herself this one is. Nobody’s “imposing LGBT politics” on you, moron. And don’t burn rainbow flags, because they happen to stand for the inclusion of ALL sexual and gender orientations — even yours, you special, special snowflake. And because that flag belongs to the school, not to you. You do not get to impose your petty individual politics onto a whole school — capisce?

23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, he’s still alive. Yes, he’s still wanking. Yes, he’s still doing it on radio (though the number of stations still running his drivel is steadily dropping). And yes, he’s still as sexist as ever. There, that takes care of HIM…at least until he finally blows that cerebral artery that we’re all waiting for him to blow.

24. Greg Fucking Locke. Well, look who’s a drama llama. Yes, another fucking southern pastor who is ENRAGED that imaginary bathroom pre-verts are allowed to exist in Tennessee…even if only in Target stores. Meanwhile, just two years ago, he and his own church re-hired an ACTUAL pervert…a “youth pastor” who molested kids. O Irony, where art thou?

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25. Curt Fucking Schilling. Shorter him: “I’m not a bigot, YOU are! And you’re a bigger bigot than I am, too! Nanny nanny boo boo!”

26. Roy Fucking Moore. Shorter him: My marriage, my marriage, über alles! Because your being LGBT and having equal rights somehow diminishes me, me, ME!

27. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Shorter him: Submit, ye wives! Yes, even if your husband is as fucking dumb as me, me, ME!

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28. Kay Fucking Daly. Sorry to disappoint you, honey, but the “GAYstapo” and “GayMafia” you believe in…aren’t fucking real. And neither are you, fortunately.

29. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Instead of making such an ass of yourself about imaginary trans people “invading” the bathroom and raping your daughter, how about teaching your fellow right-wing assbuckets and their douchey sons NOT TO FUCKING RAPE? Is THAT so hard?

30. Craig Fucking Chandler. So, serving halal meat is “supporting terrorists”? One wonders what he’d say if the meat in question were kosher…because that’s what “halal” means in Arabic, you know. Don’t you feel like one stupid fascist git now, Craig? Because you totally fucking ARE.

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And finally, to all the morons who think that the meme directly above this is somehow offensive because people have boundaries, blah blah blabbity blah blah. No, I’m not linking to the hate-blog that posted this and spun that stupid theory; I’m not going to provide any platform for hateful hog-snot. I just find it singularly ironic that they consider it “defending one’s boundaries”…to overstep one’s boundaries and encroach on those of another person. And call it “feminism” to exclude a whole group of women from consideration AS WOMEN.

And on that note, fair warning: Anyone who posts right-wing, pants-policing shit and passing it off as “radical feminism” is hereby getting no more page views, friendship, etc. from me. I have trans friends, and I am not about to throw them under the bus for someone else’s dumbfuck abstract ideology and antiquated “biological” sex binaries. Trans people exist, and you don’t get the right to decide that your “comfort” matters more than their existence. I vote with my feet. And I’m fucking done with you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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