Wankers of the Week: Bathroom Bandits


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to all the states currently with, or mulling, anti-LGBT laws on their books. I hope you enjoy being boycotted, and I hope you lose pots of money, you losers. And speaking of losers, how about this random assortment of assholes, in no particular order…

1. Mark Fucking Walker. Who cares if the Boss won’t play North Carolina for its idiotically regressive anti-LGBT laws? Justin Bieber is still coming to wreck your eardrums, y’all! PS: Solidarity is “bullying”? And “Fortunate Son” is a “draft-dodging” song? Only in Jeebusland, folks…

2. Gregory Fucking Kirschmann. And if you wonder what kind of people vote for the likes of #1, here’s your answer. People who put their own religion ahead of humanity and the teachings of Jesus himself…who else?

3. Charles Fucking Moore. Why?


Yes, let’s all cry some more for rich people and their beleaguered bazillions. The same who are penalizing poor folk for having spare bedrooms in their shoddy council homes.

4. Mack Fucking Major. Newsflash, wanker: If masturbation is a sin, you’re going to hell just for opening your damn fool mouth. And why is it only a loss of “salvation” for WOMEN, huh?

5. Mark Fucking Burns. Black people don’t exist? And people come in “red, white and blue” skins? Wow. The things one has to believe to be a Drumpfite these days…

6. Kylie Fucking Jenner. Oh honey, you didn’t start nothin’. Now take that silly wig off and sit yo’ ass DOWN. PS: And I’m not buying your lip gunk, either.


7. James Fucking Stachowiak. When even the state of Georgia won’t grant you a permit to hold a hate rally, you KNOW you’re a fuckhead. How’s THAT for “Don’t Tread on Me”?

8. Ken Fucking Paxton. You can stop “investigating” Planned Parenthood now, you’re under arrest — you fucking fraud.

9. David Fucking Cameron. Somebody’s skin is awfully thin. Since when is “dodgy” an unparliamentary thing to say? I would call it downright diplomatic, given Pigboy’s past


10. Gay Fucking Talese. No wonder he doesn’t care for women writers…he doesn’t even READ them. He’s too busy lying on his octogenarian paunch in a crawl-space, beside another old pervert, doing “research” for his own prurient drivel by peering down at people having sex in fleabag motel rooms!

11. Dennis Fucking Hastert. Extortion or not, there is still the real problem, which is you molesting teenage boys. At least one of whom is now dead, and who died having never gotten over the trauma you inflicted on him, you Bastert.

12. Jeremy Fucking Durham. Funny how transphobic lawmakers are always, invariably, a bigger danger to women than the transpeople they claim to be trying to “protect” us from. Eh?


13. Stephen Fucking Fry. “Self-pity is the ugliest emotion in humanity”? Funny phraseology that, coming from an older white guy who constantly, infantilely feels sorry for himself that he can’t go around punching down at will without being called out for it anymore. I think the one who really “can’t bear complexity” is none other than himself.

14. Bruce Fucking Divers. What was it #13 was wanking on about, again? I think there’s a much uglier emotion than “self-pity”, and this guy is full of it.

15. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Oh please, lady…you’re not a feminist, and you don’t get to singlehandedly define the word to suit your own self-serving ends, either. You’re merely an opportunist who happened to benefit from the gains scored by feminism. Learn the difference and stop embarrassing yourself.


16. Paul Fucking Hewson. Irrelevant wanker says what? Oh, only the stupidest plan for fighting Daesh EVER. Stick to what you’re good at, Bono…which, at this point, is virtually nothing.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Meanwhile, another irrelevant wanker is entertaining the Repugs in the US. We should cut off his parliamentary pension; he clearly doesn’t need the cash.

18. Ted Fucking Cruz. He wants to stop women from selling sex toys to one another at Schtupperware™ parties, but underneath all that pro-purity, anti-masturbation talk…is a slimy, sloppy PILLOW HUMPER. (Yeah, try getting THAT image out of your head now. Along with the one of him eating his own boogs. And good luck to you!) PS: And this doesn’t help either. Serves him right for trying to use his kids as campaign tools. Ha, ha.


19. Robert Fucking Lewis Fucking Dear. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how disgusting it is of him to fetishize fetuses — to the point of fantasizing about them thanking him at the gates of heaven! — while justifying his own mass murders. I knew “pro-lifers” were strangely selective in terms of what life they’re actually pro, but WOW.

20. Andrea Fucking Hardie. She thinks women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, and for once, I concur — but only in the case of women who think like HER. Because she is every shit-awful thing she accuses other women — or women in general — of being.

21. Stuart Fucking Varney. Good lord, how much fucking idiocy are we going to hear in defence of male privilege? An awful lot, apparently, if we’re tuned into FUX Snooze, where they are determined never to understand the very basic concept of consent. Probably because if they did, they’d realize in a flash that no woman would want to sleep with these doofi.


22. Tom Fucking Watson. Anyone else struck by the irony of someone referring to the followers of a Jewish democratic socialist as “Nazis”? Yes? Oh good, so it’s not just me, then.

23. John Fucking Kasich. Just in case anyone thinks Ted Fucking Cruz is the only fundie whackjob in the Repug race, it looks like he’s got plenty of competition in that department…and not from Der Drumpf. PS: Thanks for the advice on preventing sexual assault. It’s worse than useless, but thanks.

24. Jared Fucking Fogle. Yes, he’s still wanking…behind bars. And still as douchey as ever. Seems he learned nothing at all from that last beatdown. Can someone please take away his mail privileges? Like NOW, please?


25. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. Defending Der Drumpf’s abusive, misogynous campaign manager? When there is not only video of him manhandling Michelle Fields, but also a photo of the finger-shaped bruises he left on her arm? And you’re going to make it all about women reporters’ credibility, and not that of Der Drumpf and his flacks? Really?

26. Cory Fucking Lewandowski. And this is who #25 is defending. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Don’t make me pull that video off the wire!

27. Paul Fucking Ryan. Going lumbersexual seems to be the only real thing he’s done lately…and even that ain’t sayin’ much. Dude, shave off the chin-scruff and stop wasting taxpayers’ money!


28. Donald Fucking Drumpf. My, what an articulate ghostwriter you have, Herr Drumpf. Not a single “yuge” in there. I’m impressed!

29. Bill Fucking Cosby. Still as full of chutzpah as ever, I see. Too bad the judge in that child-sex-abuse case isn’t amused.

30. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s a scientist? And she has a FILM??? Will wonders never cease?????


And finally, to all the fucking semiliterate Drumpfites out there. To all the idiots who think “elegals” are the worst threat to your country right now, when in fact it’s you, yourselves, the home-grown Nazis who think there is such a thing as an illegal person (spoiler: there ain’t). To all the ones who think “Isreal” is worth emulating. And to all the ones who only want a wall so they can beat China. Dudes, you are all SO fucked in the head. And you are wasting your lives in the worst way. Get an education! Travel! See the world and learn how the world sees YOU! Remember why you have two eyes and two ears but only one mouth! And fergawdsakes, stop embarrassing yourselves by politically supporting a man best known for his boorishness and his bad combover. Understand that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about YOU any more than he does about “political correctness” (which is just a fancy right-wing way of saying plain courtesy and decency). And above all:

Good night, and get fucked!

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