Wankers of the Week: Never forget 7-11!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Earth Day to all. This week’s wankapedia is dedicated to all victims of 7-11, whoever they may be. No doubt they’re all gathered around the Great Slurpee Machine in the Sky. Meanwhile, here on Earth, we have the following dipshits, in no particular order:

1. Bill Fucking Clinton. Look, I know you’re rooting for the wife and all, but must you make Bernie’s supporters — who are also your target votership — out to be thugs in your efforts to downplay all that Wall Street cash in your wife’s coffers? Because, you know, that’s going to come back to bite you later. It ought to be beneath you, but since it isn’t — put a sock in it, Bill, and sit the hell DOWN. PS: Or maybe right now. Ha, ha.

2. Marilyn Fucking Gladu. Any teenager who wants to commit suicide over a first love gone wrong isn’t going to bother going to an adult for help with it. Much less a doctor, who they KNOW is going to not only say no, but tell their parents as well. Did that ever occur to her? Nope. I guess the fumes in Chemical Alley must be really bad if they’re causing her to forget what it was like to be a kid. Or to make up non-issues to whip up voter “concern” over legislation that isn’t even controversial, and which doctors have been seeking for decades.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Gosh, 97% of climate scientists must be wrong about climate change, because 3% still “disagree” with them! Never mind that 3% are either terribly bad at interpreting data, because Moosolini just knows they’re right!

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4. Stephen Fucking Marche. He must not have spent much time in locker rooms, because seriously — who the hell talks about boobs they’ve sucked while trying studiously to avoid glancing at the next guy’s dick? But thanks, fella, for downplaying the dangers of the “men’s rights” movement. I’m sure women will just love you for it.

5. Susan-Anne Fucking Wright. “Biblically correct” is the new “politically correct”, it seems. Unfortunately, it’s not only out of date, it’s just plain WRONG. And you’re just a plain idiot.

6. Blake Fucking Zengo. Funny how rearranging the letters of frat gives you fart. And how you’re going to go down in history not as a frat boy, but as a FART boy. Fitting!

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7. Jim Fucking McCullough. Trudizzle has presser, as politicians do. Trudizzle shows that he cares about science, even if his answer wasn’t technically correct. Right-wing blogger throws hissyfit, compares Canada to North Korea, as right-wing bloggers do. Absent from discourse: Any mention of how slavish the media were to the notoriously science-averse and muzzle-mad Stephen Fucking Harper, who quit giving pressers years ago, and bullied the press at dull photo-ops, but still got endorsements from all the usual suspects. PS: Ha, ha, oops. So much for “staged”.

8. Nathan Fucking Alberson. Who the hell writes sexist open letters to fictional characters from movies? Christers with waaaayyyyy too much time on their hands. Who else?

9. Jim Fucking Stachowiak. Hey, remember him from last week? Well, his anti-Muslim rally was an epic fail. Only one other person showed up. Probably only out of boredom. Ha, ha.

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10. Sheila Fucking Butt. You know how some people’s names describe them perfectly? Well, just look at her surname and you will know all. Racism, sexism, LGBT-phobia — what’s not assy about that?

11. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yes, he really said that. It was good for YUGE laughs, and not much else. Real 9-11 victims and their families, meanwhile, could not care less for his thoughts on the matter. PS: An unregistered plane? Isn’t that ILLEGAL? PPS: Why so thin-skinned? That artist was being generous! PPPS: Ha, ha. PPPPS: Bawww. (Have I got the right number of Ps here? I hope…)

12. James Fucking Forcillo. How absurd is it that he wants house arrest instead of jail for killing Sammy Yatim? Even more absurd than being found guilty of attempted murder. Yes, that’s right…”attempted” murder, even though the victim died, and therefore, the attempt succeeded. Try wrapping your brain around that if you can, mine just hurts.

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13. Michelle Fucking Rempel. My, what a lovely, belated, totally self-serving conversion to feminism you’ve had there, Mich. Too bad you’re forgetting how rife Parliament Hill was with sexism when your party was in the governing majority.

14. Pat Fucking Boone. Because it’s only blasphemy when it’s Christian fanatics getting hit with the satire stick, eh? And that about wraps it up for his latest stab at relevance. Time to hang up the leather vest and stop trying to pretend you’re hip, Pat.

15. Kristi Fucking Merritt. Newsflash, Ignorant Mom on the Internet: Being transgender is not an outfit you put on, it’s an identity that comes from within. Some people have it, and others don’t, no matter what they all wear. Now take off that sombrero and put away those corn chips, you’re embarrassing yourself. AND your kids.

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16. John Fucking Kasich. Just because a belief is “deeply held”, doesn’t mean it’s not also deeply WRONG. And no, LGBT people are under no obligation to “get over” being discriminated against; that’s no longer even an option. And anyone who believes that a state should be allowed to legislate hate, has no business being president of a country.

17. Katie Fucking Hopkins. An unemployed people’s uniform? I have a better idea. Why don’t you just tattoo a fucking swastika on your forehead, so the whole world can finally see where you get your harebrained ideas?

18. Curt Fucking Schilling. Bigoted sportscaster is bigoted. Nice to see that he’s no longer confining his irrational hatred to Muslims only; no, now it’s trans people, too. Whom he apparently can’t tell apart from the People of Wal-Mart. PS: And BOOM. Ha, ha.

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19. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Simmer down, Douche-owitz…you won’t ever get to represent Jesus in court. Shouldn’t you be repping real people?

20. Jason Dov Fucking Greenblatt. Looks like Der Drumpf’s “expert” on Israel has no more expertise than Der Drumpf does in politics. Why am I not surprised?

21. Mack Fucking Butler. Gloom, doom, apocalypse…and all for accepting that minorities and LGBT people are human and normal. Fuck the hell off with your prayer-day bullshit.

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22. Chuck Fucking Wright. Minorities, the most racist people in the US? Nuh-unh, dude…and if you want to know who it really is, just look in your own damn mirror. Also, stop dragging the black people you know into this. If you’re against anyone who’s fighting for their right to equality, you are NOT their “friend”.

23. Wolf Fucking Blitzer. How old is he? So old he can’t tell the difference between Prince and Jimi Hendrix, who died more than four decades apart. Apparently black people don’t just look alike to these ‘winger bozos, they also SOUND alike.

24. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Because even the death of Prince is still an excuse for him to blow his goddamn horn and brag about the cruelty of his fucking jails. Old man, why couldn’t it be YOU instead of him?

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25. Peter Fucking Christian Fucking Jensen the Fucking IV. Why all the Fucking? Because that’s how religiously idiotic you have to be to think that the laws of the land — and the road — don’t apply to you just because of your stupid religious beliefs. Guess what: Your “sovereign citizen” shit won’t fly in any real court of any real law. Now pay up and fuck off, moron.

26. Carl Fucking Benjamin. You can always tell who was too dumb to get into college by the fact that they know nothing about what’s actually being taught there. Case in point: this moron, who calls himself Sargon of Akkad. And who doesn’t know shit about the real Sargon — or his kick-ass daughter — either. Gee, Carl, maybe you need to take one of those “social justice courses” you rail against, eh?

27. Justin Fucking Bieber. That’s right, dudeling, you’re not as great as Prince was. And even if you live to be 100, you never will, either. Listen up, you little shit: It’s not all about you. It will never be about you. DEAL WITH IT, SQUIRT.

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28. Jamie Fucking Reece Fucking Moore. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb you have to be to (a) call for lynchings on the internet, and (b) think that anonymity is somehow going to protect you.

29. Michael Fucking Orten. Whatever happened to Personal Responsibility? Funny how right-wing “Christians” always throw it out the window where rape is concerned, and blame the victim instead. Even if she’s only 13, they still think she’s a jezebel. Somehow, it’s never rapists who are guilty of rape! Maybe because for them, it’s not a crime but a “sin”…and “sinners”, as we all know, are the real victims…of “temptation”. Fuck this fucking noise!

30. James Fucking Sears. Kiss your little hate-lit project goodbye, “Dr.” Sears, a.k.a. “Dimitri the Lover”, better known as “that fucking Nazi creep who got kicked out of the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons for sexually assaulting women”. And Godspeed to Richard Warman et al, because it’s high time someone stopped this asshole.

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And finally, to all the idiotic fucking racist shitheads who are even now hate-wanking over Prince’s not-yet-cold corpse because they thought he was gay. Guess you hadn’t heard about his religious conversion, eh? His views on gay people were, if I’m reading this correctly, more in line with those of his haters than they were with those of all the queer folk who loved him. And man oh man, is THAT ever fucking ironic. But what do you expect from people who waste all their time judging, rather than bothering to check a few basic facts? I mean, it’s not like his music wasn’t a broad hint that he was pretty much a flaming heterosexual or anything.

Good night, and get fucked!

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