Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Friday the 13th to one and all. So, what’s lurking in your bushes? Nothing to be scared of, unless it’s one of these losers…in which case, be afraid, be VERY afraid, because here they come, in no particular order:
1. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Politicians who think countries should be run like businesses are Bhad Nhews unto themselves, but those who think they should be run the way he has run his — into the ground, and repeatedly — ought to be anathema. Why is this moron even considered eligible to run? He shouldn’t be. PS: Bawwww, da poor oppwessed menz! My heart bleeds. Truly. Just kidding, I really want to kick his scaredy-cat idiot ass into the dirt. After all, I’m a natural-born killer.
2. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Welp, looks like someone’s got to make good on her promise to run around London naked with a sausage up her bum, because a progressive Muslim just became the city’s Lord Mayor. Make it a nice, big mortadella of mortification, Katie…you deserve this!
3. Todd Fucking Rokita. Workhouses? What fucking century is this? And for fuck’s sake, read Dickens if you think those are even remotely a good idea!
4. Judith Fucking Miller. O hai. Remember her? Dubya’s main cheerleader/stenographer and proponent of the fictious WMD in Iraq? Well, now she’s presuming to criticize young journalists as “Kool-Aid drinkers”. Judy, you owe me an irony meter — you just busted mine.
6. Maverick Fucking Dean Fucking Bryan. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how ridiculous his name is. And also because that’s how absurd his idea about overthrowing the government with a theocratic “militia” is.
7. Kenneth Fucking Kauchek. Straight from molesting girls to…heading a teen pregnancy centre? Why not straight out of the priesthood and into jail?
8. Jan Fucking Brewer. The “woman thing” has “gotten out of hand”? Well, I know ONE woman-thing that has, and it happens to be Sheriff Joe’s biggest racist enabler. And also a hypocritical beneficiary of feminism, and ignorant as fuck about the left, which prefers Bernie Sanders — a progressive man — over any conservative or centrist woman.
9. Sarah Fucking Palin. Der Drumpf “respects women”? When? Where? Honestly, if he showed even a modicum of good manners toward one, it would be headline news! But I guess this one will say anything to try to get picked as running mate…again. Oh Quitbull, just this once, live up to your nickname and put a sock in it!
10. Sandy Fucking Rios. No, Karl Marx didn’t write a thing about “sexual anarchy”. Marxism is strictly an economic philosophy. And anyway: What’s so bad about anarchy? All the word means is “no leaders”, and frankly, when it comes to abolishing patriarchy, sexism, and LGBTphobia, that can only be a GOOD thing!
11. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Yes, by all means, try to sue the federal government. After all, your starving cattle can fend for themselves while you’re out making an idiot of yourself.
12. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Look who got a harsh instant lesson in How the Internet Works: yup, THIS guy. Ha, ha.
13. Sheldon Fucking Adelson. How’s it feel to get sued by all of Palestine, motherfucker? Ha, ha.
14. Marco Fucking Rubio. So, let’s see if I got this straight: You still support an erratic fucking egomaniac who can’t be trusted with the nuclear launch codes? What does that say about your own mental stability, I wonder?
15. Azealia Fucking Banks. Well. She seems…NICE. PS: How’s it feel to get served by a tiny 14-year-old? Ha, ha.
16. Chuck Fucking Hughes. Trans kids are now going to face a blast of pepper spray, just for daring to use a public washroom in keeping with their preferred gender? Only in North Fucking Carolina, folks. Keep those boycotts coming!
17. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Yeah, I guess you could say her Twitter Q & A went just about as well as…#12’s. Ha, ha.
18. Carl Fucking Benjamin. Who the hell is proud to be endorsed by a fascist wank-brigade like the English Defence League? This idiotic fucking reactionary twatwaffle. That’s who.
19. Ingrid Fucking Carlqvist. And while we’re on the general theme of reactionary twatwaffles with “Carl” in their names, how about her? Yeah, I’m sure we feminists are just dying to be saved from evil brown Muslims by macho fascist mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers, and that we’ll give up feminism as soon as those guys all whip out their ‘nads and start busting turbaned heads! And iridescent pegacorns will fart us a buttload of glittery rainbow marshmallows, too!
20. George Fucking Zimmerman. Whaddya bet that by “fighting BLM”, he actually means snorting lines of coke off a stripper’s butt and then yelling trash talk? PS: Aaaaand BUSTED. Ha, ha. PPS: And no, the Smithsonian doesn’t want your murder weapon, either. PPPS: And the laffs just keep on comin’… and comin’…
21. Paul Fucking Elam. Oh boy! Racism AND sexism! Two shitty tastes that taste even shittier together! What were the odds that he, too, would be jumping on the “alt”-right bandwagon?
22. T. Boone Fucking Pickens. You’re okay with a Drumpf presidency because you probably won’t have to live with the consequences??? Why the hell are you not dead yet? Holy crap, you horrid old man!
23. Anthony Fucking Senecal. Gee, what were the odds that Der Drumpf’s butler would be just as much of a racist, sexist, grammar-impaired, treason-mongering whackjob as his asshole boss? He came with the furniture at Mar-a-Lago, and one rather wishes he’d fade back in with it. Secret Service, please take note.
24. David Fucking Reynolds. Who can take a sunrise/Sprinkle it with ew?/Lure the kids with goodies and then rape and film it too?/The Candy Maaaaan! The Candy Man caaaaaan! Ahem. Sorry. I got carried away for a moment there. You’ll be interested to know that once again, this kid-diddling predator didn’t have to dress up in drag to follow his perversion, though. Unless the drag in question is that of a fundie preacher.
25. Billy Fucking Corgan. Oh yay, another Drumpf supporter and Alex Fucking Jones freak. Who is also a washed-up has-been whose music I never liked anyway. Because I have taste. And I also know how to spell melancholy. Which is what he’s gonna be when the Bern beats his boy’s ass. Ha, ha.
26. Dan Fucking Quayle. And another person from the past has piped up, and reminded us all that he still can’t spell potato. Or distinguish truth from fiction. Did a wormhole barf up the worst of the ‘90s on us, or what?
27. Phil Fucking Robertson. Shorter duck-quacker: Trans people bad, under-age marriage good! How much longer, do you suppose, before a child-sized skeleton tumbles from HIS closet? Oh wait, it already has: His wife was 15 when he robbed her cradle.
29. Franklin Fucking Graham. Newsflash: Gay people don’t run the schools. But there ARE far too many evangelical whackjobs on school boards, and in state governments…which is why #28 is bankrupting his state in the name of a fucked ideology. Fuck you, and fuck the coattails you rode in on. PS: And that goes double for your sister.
30. Rodney Fucking Cavness. And further to #29: This is who’s really in charge of way too many schools, and who seriously thinks queer people are out to harm his daughters. The mind fucking BOGGLES.
And finally, to all the assholes out there hating on Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau for uttering the hard truth that working mothers need more help and are overwhelmed, even if their husband has the top job in the country, and even if they get to travel the globe in style and hold a high-profile, albeit unpaid, position themselves. Would you prefer her children — or anyone else’s — to be raised by wolves instead? Because that’s what’s going to happen if you keep on paying women less while expecting them to do more…or stay home and pray that their husbands’ single income can cover it all, which increasingly it can’t, thanks to good ol’ “free market” capitalism. Guess what? Your sexism and your greed are the problem. Not Sophie or her admission that she needs more help, which was damn hard to make. Especially knowing the idiot asshole backlash that would follow it, sure as night follows day.
Good night, and get fucked!