Crappy weekend, everyone! That roiling in your gut? Must be all the undigested (and indigestible) news you’ve swallowed this week. The junk-food peddlers of politics and media have been working overtime to bring the crud de la crud straight from the teevee to your table. And this week, they’ve served up the following gristly lumps:
1. Marco Fucking Rubio. Yes, this was last week…but he wanked so hard, it blew right into THIS week. And I’m sure that sanctioning Venezuela economically when things are already bad there (due in part to your Saudi buddies fucking with oil supplies and prices, and partly due to local putschist price gougers, and otherwise to El Niño) is gonna help them a LOT. Mostly in alerting them to who their friends ain’t. And in making them damn glad you dropped out of the presidential race. Now, if only the voters would fire your ass, that would be great.
2. Ted Fucking Cruz. Pro tip: Never argue the merits of capitalist medicine with a disabled person. Chances are they’ve been screwed nine ways till Friday by it already, and they really don’t want or need to hear how you’re gonna make it even worse. PS: And bye! Tell your dad his gift for prophecy is a dud. And apologize to your wife, if you haven’t already. (For everything, including what the Drumpf-bots have done to her.) PPS: Ha, ha.
3. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Nothing in the world could be funnier than a sleazeball who spent years sexually coercing women (and writing how-to manuals on the subject for other sleazeballs) suddenly deciding to get off the lady-carousel and settle down, only to find that there’s no one out there dumb enough to settle for him. Unless, of course, it’s said sleazeball now living in Mom’s basement and making his meagre boodle bemoaning how “central bankers” and Big Daddy Gummint have somehow led all these women to inexplicably think they’re too good for him, or that they’d rather be working even a shit job than hitch their wagon to his unwashed ass.
4. Sandy Fucking Rios. Well, looky here. Right-wing thugs, MEN, are being told to insert themselves in women’s washrooms and fitting rooms at Target stores. And who’s behind it? This woman. Guess the concept of sisters-before-misters just isn’t for her, eh? And neither is protecting the safety of women from, you know, MEN BARGING IN ON THEM.
5. Michael Lloyd Fucking Merichko. And speaking of which, here’s one of them right now. And he was dumb enough to initially let people think he was armed. Aaaaand now he’s busted, so guess who’s a liar? Yup, #4.
6. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Finally, after months of Twitter abuse, homophobia, racism and misogyny, this professional troll is off the tweeter…at least until she finds a new eggy identity to go by. I’m sure everyone’s just waiting with bated breath.
7. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yeah, there’s a hidden agenda in the New York state bill to remove the statute of limitations from child sex abuse cases. But it has nothing to do with “persecuting Catholics”, and everything to do with prosecuting offenders. If some of those happen to be Catholic and dressed in priestly garb, so be it. But they’re hardly the only ones, and only an idiot would argue otherwise.
8. Karl Fucking Oliver. It’s “I couldn’t care less”, not “I could care less”. And really: If you couldn’t care less about your constituents, whose taxes pay your salary, why are you even IN politics? Why not just go shovel shit on a farm? At least then, you’d be making yourself somewhat useful.
9. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, there’s a “Climate Hustle” going on, all right. And the hustlers are those who insist that there is no climate change going on at all, and what there is, is not man-made. They don’t give a damn for science, or for the salient fact that 97% of all experts is one helluva consensus. In short: The hustlers are YOU. PS: And no, you do not get to redefine what “smart” means, either. Even if you DO have 97% of wanking idiots backing YOU up.
10. Cole Fucking Bartiromo. Oh surprise! A convicted felon, blackmailer and scamster, who robbed his own parents blind, prominent among Drumpf supporters at a Drumpf rally, trying to frame the anti-Drumpf protesters as the dangerous ones? And right before it happened, on his own Facebook page, he talked trash about how he planned to get them “on their knees”? I’ll bet he bloodied his own nose. At this rate, nothing about that ilk would surprise me anymore.
11. Vaughn Fucking Ohlman. Having breasts signals “readiness to be married”? Good thing this creepy pervert isn’t MY father, because that would mean I would have been married off to some complete stranger at 12, tops. That’s when I had hips, boobs, and periods…all of which are supposed to be “signs” of nubility. And this while I was still playing with Barbie dolls. Ugh. PS: Well, look who just got kicked to the curb by the Homophobic Army. This has got to be a first!
12. Tila Fucking Hubrecht. Tila, Tila…lay off the tequila. Because when you start talking of unwanted pregancy as the “silver lining” of rape, you’re obviously drunk. Go home and sleep it the fuck OFF, lady!
13. Donald Fucking Drumpf. So, all you morons supporting this guy think he says just what he means? And that it’s so refreshing that he’s not constrained by “political correctness”, whatever the hell THAT is? Well, then…explain to me what he means with that nonsensical word salad he spun about women needing to be “punished” for having abortions. Can’t do it? I’m not surprised. PS: Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes, he DID.
14. David Fucking Duke. On the other hand, there’s no mistaking what #14’s chief endorser means by what he says. And that is just unequivocally antisemitic…and AWFUL.
15. Woody Fucking Allen. And while we’re on the subject of unequivocally awful, get a load of what he says about his current wife…whom he molested while still with his previous partner, whose adopted daughter she is. He’s all self-congratulatory about what a great life he’s given her, never mind that Mia Farrow is the one who actually took her in and gave her that in the first place. And when asked how she changed him, all he can say is that she’s given him “pleasure”. Yeah, I’ll just bet. (And on that note: BARF.)
16. Bob Fucking Paulson. Pro tip, chief: If you don’t want the Mounties to get a “bad rap”, don’t let a culture of sexual assault and male entitlement flourish, goddammit. Fucking DO something about it, and by that, I don’t mean sweep it under the rug as usual. Otherwise, you’ll get a bad reputation…and you’ll have EARNED it.
17. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. Meanwhile, speaking of sweeping shit under rugs, Israel’s resident anti-Palestinian hatemonger is at it again. And just as #16 would have us refrain from rightly criticizing the Mounties, she would have us refrain from rightly criticizing Israel. Nuh-unh, sweetie…no fucking dice. If you call Palestinians vermin, you WILL be called out. And if you copy the murderous policies of Nazi Germany and Apartheid South Africa, you will DESERVE that calling-out.
18. Kenneth Fucking Shupe. Isn’t it illegal to refuse to tow someone just because their car has a bumper sticker you don’t like? If not, it should be. And at the very least, it’s also uncharitable and un-Christian. Better call Jesus next time you get in trouble with the Better Business Bureau.
19. Robert Fucking Lantos. Way to conflate Zionism with Judaism, dude. And way to make yourself totally irrelevant.
20. Steven Fucking Van Zant. And once more, with feeling: Dude, apartheid is still apartheid when Israel’s government does it. If you could boycott Sun City all those years ago, you can do BDS now. Listen to Desmond Tutu, he KNOWS. And if you won’t listen to him, then listen to this Israeli general, who is pretty damn hard to ignore.
21. Odalis Fucking Sharp. Would it surprise you greatly to know that a religiously-deranged woman who brought her kids to Oregon to sing for the assholes who trashed a bird sanctuary is also the kind of person who thinks it’s her biblical right to abuse them and beat them to a bloody pulp? No? Oh good, me neither. And even better: Her poor kids finally got sick of her shit, and are now on their way out of her clutches. Permanently, one hopes.
22. Michael Fucking Weiner. Yes, the Savage Weiner is wanking again. Did he ever stop? Nope. But now he’s gone full white supremacist, accusing Obama of “white genocide”. Someone please remind him that since he’s a Jew, the audience he’s aiming his bullshit-cannon at doesn’t consider him to be truly white, either.
23. Martha Fucking MacCallum. And speaking of full white supremacist, how about her? She’s pissy that she doesn’t get to call people the n-word. And of course, she thinks THAT’s racist, but not the word itself. Well, Martha, if you look up moron in the dictionary, you just might find a graphic description of yourself.
24. Tim Fucking Moore. Because a bigoted bathroom bill isn’t chutzpah enough on its own, now you get a snippy speaker of the statehouse, too! Enjoy your boycott and all those lost billions, asshole.
25. Shmuley Fucking Boteach. Schmuck endorses schmuck. Quel surprise! Now, the only question remaining: How is it “Kosher Sex” to have two failed marriages under one’s belt, plus an unprosecuted marital rape, PLUS Bog only knows how much sexual harassment?
26. Sheldon Fucking Adelson. Same as above, with a side order of casino crapitalist cronyism. Lather, rinse, repeat.
27. Joe Fucking Oliver. Uh, dude? Stephen Fucking Harper is out of the PMO. You’re no longer a cabinet minister. You’re just another MP now. And your party lost in a landslide. You can sit down. You can shut up. Please, PLEASE sit down and shut the fuck up!
28. Neil Fucking Cavuto. No, a ticky-tacky “taco bowl” is NOT an olive branch to Mexico. What would be one? Try a humble “I hereby take back everything ugly I said about Mexicans, and there will be no wall built at anyone’s expense.” Much simpler than posing for an idiotic publicity shot with a Yanqui food embarrassment that no Mexican would ever eat, no?
29. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. Is helmet hair impervious to everything, even good sense? In her case, apparently, it is. No, we don’t have Stealth bombers here. And what the hell would this twit want to deploy them for even if we did? We aren’t, or shouldn’t be, at war with anyone. Once more, as with #27, with feeling: Stephen Fucking Harper is out of the PMO. You’re no longer a cabinet minster. You’re just another MP now. And your party lost in a landslide. Sit down, and STFU!
30. Rick Fucking Perry. Oh yay, Crotch Goodhair has piped up again! And now he wants to be Der Drumpf’s running mate! Isn’t that a hoot coming from someone who dissed Der Drumpf not so long ago?
And finally, to the fucking Repugs of North Carolina. Yes, all of you. You wanted a law to make LGBT people’s lives miserable, and public toilets inaccessible? Guess what: Your law is illegal. No use whining about it…repeal that motherfucker so your state can breathe again. Or don’t…and watch your miseries (both legal and financial) just keep piling up. Your choice! Ha, ha.
Good night, and get fucked!