Wankers of the Week: Elbowgate (#ThankYouStephenHarper)

Saturday May 21, 2016

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Elbowgate mini-scandal? People are still talking about it, if you can believe that. And none of them have an intelligent word to say, unless it’s what my friend Pale here says: You’re all acting like fucking children, now sit down and pull your short pants back up. And you know who else are acting like utter prats? These people…in no particular order:

1. Brian Fucking Pallister. Dude, your cabinet is all white, and nearly all male. Where the fuck is this “diversity” of which you speak? (And no, different colored suits and ties on the white men of your cabinet don’t count.)

2. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Hillary Clinton has done her share of awful things, but no, “witchcraft” isn’t among them. Except, of course, in the fever swamp of HIS imagination.

3. Stephen Fucking Miller. This just in: Der Drumpf says stupid things “because it’s true!” And finally, an entire Chicken Noodle Network panel burst out laughing because the sheer idiocy of it all was just too much even for them anymore.

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4. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Perhaps aware that his anti-immigrant rhetoric is making him sound increasingly unhinged, Sheriff Joe is now turning his sights on…drumroll please...bestiality! Yes, that’s right, he’s suddenly touchingly aware of all the molestation of animals going on in Maricopa County. Nice to know that somebody is standing up for all the sexually abused dogs down there. A pity he can’t extend the same courtesy to abused Central Americans.

5. Mark Fucking Regev. Thanks for confirming what we already know about Israel, you genocidal turdbiscuit. And thanks for the unconvincing denial. Yes, Israel IS racist, because the right of return doesn’t apply to Palestinians, who were living there first. And Jews the world over are NOT Israeli nationals, but rather nationals of the countries where they currently live.

6. Ed Fucking Rollins. With four failed marriages (and indubitably counting) between them, Der Drumpf should pick…Newt Fucking Gingrich as his running mate? Sorry, but having two failed marriages apiece (and a third one in the making each) doesn’t mean they “certainly understand women”. It means, in fact, quite the opposite. (Even funnier: Newty asked his second wife for an “open” marriage, and she refused. This was when he was still boinking his current missus as a sidepiece. You can’t make this shit up!)

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7. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Pretty sure Taylor Swift wants nothing to do with either neo-fascism OR any of Der Drumpf’s loathsome offspring. Much less to be “betrothed” to one, as though this were the medieval era all over again. Keep your sickly fantasies to yourself, Nazi-boy.

8. Josh Fucking Duggar. Would you buy a used car from this man? I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t watch any “reality” show with him in it, because he and his nauseating clan are responsible for a lot of the LGBT-phobic shitfuckery currently going on in the States. Boycott, people!

9. Mark Fucking Burns. Der Drumpf’s obnoxious shrimp-finger-wagging means he’s secretly signalling his devout evangelical Christianity? That would be news to his two ex-wives, not to mention his current missus. And it would certainly be news to anyone who actually knows him…and hasn’t seen him darkening a church door ever. Didn’t Jesus say not to hide your light under a bushel basket? In Der Drumpf’s case, there is literally nothing under there that shines, unless it’s a chrome dome.

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10. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Not content to go down in legal history as an abusive prick who deserved to get dumped, now he’s trying to paint his ex-wife as a cheating harlot. Coming from the man who lewdly harassed his own producer with fantasies about falafel in the shower, that’s downright rich.

11. Franklin Fucking Graham. The Notorious RBG has no interest in converting to fundie Christianity. And that’s apparently what’s got Frankie’s boxers in a bunch. Diddums!

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. Of course he hates Bernie Sanders. Because Bernie doesn’t mangle guitars, and yet he still manages to be a bigger rock star than the Noodge ever will.

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13. Michaeleen Fucking Doucleff. So, women on the Pill aren’t real women because they’re not having real periods? Good heavens, that means I was not really female for 15 whole years of my life, and I never knew! By that token, women who were born without ovaries and/or uteri were never really female either. And when we real-menstruating real-women hit menopause, do we also become un-women, or merely un-real? Inquiring minds, etc.

14. Ken Fucking Starr. OhmyGAWD, remember HIM? The amateur pornographer who ate up millions of taxpayer dollars just so he could write a one-handed report on what Bill Clinton was allegedly illicitly up to with apparently everyone in a skirt? Yeah. HIM. Well, guess what: Baylor University fired him…for NOT INVESTIGATING REAL, HONEST-TO-GODDESS SEX SCANDALS. Savor the irony, kiddies, it is rich-rich-RICH.

15. Markus Fucking Persson. And speaking of rich ironies: Dude. Lose the fucking trilby, it makes you look like a walking stereotype of an idiot menzer. And stop trying to mansplain away mansplaining, because it makes you SOUND like one, too. The horse is out of the barn, and you did not coin that term. Women did. You do not get to define it for them. Capisce?

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16. Bill Fucking Cosby. And so it finally emerges that yes, he did indeed do what all those women have been acusing him of doing to them. You know what thing I mean. And no, Page Six, it wasn’t a “romp” for them. It was a keel-over-unconscious, wake-up-feeling-horrid, wonder-why-he’s-leering friggin’ NIGHTMARE. There was nothing playful about it. Exercise some fucking journalistic responsibility, already!

17. Vicente Fucking Fox. Hey! Remember HIM? Sure you do. And this week, he made the list for blaming his old progressive political rival, AMLO, for problems in Mexico that are the fault of right-wing policies like his. Also: Apologizing to Der Drumpf for offending him? No bueno.

18. Stephen Fucking Harper. Hey! Remember when I asked if anyone had seen him, and why was he not in his parliamentary seat like a duly elected representative of Calgary Whatever? Was just last week, as I recall. Well, apparently many other patriotic Canadians have been asking the same thing, and now we have an answer. And here it is:

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PS: Ha, ha.

19. Esten Fucking Ciboro. Would it surprise you greatly that the kind of dickweeds who rant about trans people in Target stores also have step-relatives chained up in their basements? No? Oh good. Me neither.

20. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, and he still came up empty for brains. When is this sad has-been going to be carted off to the Old Farts’ Home?

21. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. You’ll be happy to know that the flag-desecrating god-botherer has lost her election bid. So long, and don’t let the door hit you…oh, what the hell. Let it whack you all the way to Kingdom Come!

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22. Peter Fucking Thiel. Ever wonder where Terry Fucking Bollea — alias Hulk Hogan — got the money to sue Gawker for printing the truth about him, namely that he’s a racist who spouted off with the n-word right after he (boringly) boinked his buddy’s wife on camera? Well, now you know. It’s this Drumpfite flibbertigibbertarian, who fantasizes about the grand prospect of “seasteading”. Please join me now in praying that he and all his co-religionists get caught by a hurricane, and don’t have the money left to buy off the Coast Guard.

23. Dean Fucking Paterakis. Aaaand another transphobe loses his shit in public. Also, PENIS. Ahem: ERECT penis.

24. Angela Fucking Cummings. What business of yours is it if high schoolers are “angels” or “demons”? If home-schooling is your holy bag, why aren’t you at home doing it, instead of harassing kids outside of schools with scare tactics based on shit that rarely or never happens? Go home and repent, yourself!

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25. Ryan Fucking Bundy. Because the and his equally batshit brother think that being in jail shouldn’t be like, er, being in jail. And also for not understanding that “presumed innocent” only applies during the trial phase of the judicial process, not the pre-trial stint in custody — which is owing to their being very likely flight risks, and very definitely wankers.

26. Luke Fucking Woodham. And speaking of people who shouldn’t be let out of jail: Remember him? He killed his own mother, shot up his high school, killed two classmates and injured seven…and now he wants parole. Next thing you know, he’ll also want his gun back. NOPE!

27. Matt Fucking Stewart. Dude. Get a fucking grip. Your precious widdle sons are not being “humiliated” by the mere existence of a trans kid who just wants to use the washroom that fits his gender identity. Which is NOT “girl”. If anyone’s being humiliated here, it’s that poor unnamed kid, who has to put up with the abuse that ignorami like you are heaping on his undeserving young head. I just hope he turns out to be a stronger person than YOU.

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28. Amanda Fucking Lauren. So, the former friend who committed suicide, and on whose grave you are now pissing, called you her “frenemy”? Yeah, I can see why. And now, so can the whole damn internet. Narcissism is a real bitch, innit?

29. Kevin Fucking Vickers. Someone please remind him that he is no longer guarding Parliament Hill, but is supposed to be representing our country as ambassador to Ireland. And that means NOT getting into donnybrooks with local protesters against British imperialism. And this on the centenary of the uprising that made Ireland a republic. For shame! PS: Ha, ha.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Why? Because BAWWWWWWK buk buk buk bk bk bk! That’s why.

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And finally, to Bob Fucking Russel the Right-Wing Idiot, from Newburyport, Massachusetts. Yes, he was back again, but he was even more dim, incoherent and boring than he was the first time. And he used a fake addy, too. Bob doesn’t know how or when to quit me, but he sure is an obsessive little troll with his raging hate-on for Venezuela and its allies around the world. And he has some strange sexual fantasies concerning socialists and their love lives, too. I don’t want to subject you to any more of his obscene stupidity, so I plonked him in the spam filter.

And Bob? You’re gonna get the same treatment no matter what bogus email address you use from now on. I can read your IP, bozo. And I save all troll posts that come to me for moderation in a mailbox marked “Abusive”. One more strike from you, and Comcast is gonna hear from me. Won’t it be an ironic hoot when a capitalist ISP yoinks your trolling line? I think so.

Good night, and get fucked!

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