Wankers of the Week: Yellowstone Dorks


Crappy weekend, everyone! And RIP, adorable baby bison, who really didn’t need to warm up inside some fool tourist’s car. Well, now they know not to interfere with nature. And now you know, too. And what else do you need to know this week about wankers? This…in no particular order:

1. Tarek Fucking Fatah. “Bakistan” isn’t a place. SCOTLAND is a place. And it’s where a Muslim member of parliament was sworn in bilingually (and in a kilt!). Although, to hear THIS wanker tell it, there was only one language used. Newsflash, wanker: Urdu is spoken by Pakistanis of all religions. And being a Muslim MP is not a crime in Scotland, either.

2. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Yes, that’s right, Der Donald’s daughter is joining him in the ranks of the wanks this week. For what? For claiming that this racist idiot has “elevated the political dialogue”. Above what? A sludge pit? A sumphole? No…both of those are actually cleaner than what comes out of HIS mouth. Remember, this is the same guy who said he’d “date” her if she wasn’t his own daughter. And here she is, babbling about his “honesty” and pretending THAT never happened.

3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Has anyone seen him lately? He’s ostensibly still a member of Parliament, but his seat is suspiciously empty. And this at a time when Alberta, his province, is still reeling from the effects of the biggest damn wildfires in the history of ever. Shouldn’t he be, you know, advocating on his province’s behalf? Or at least, on behalf of his riding, which is probably seeing a lot of fire refugees? I guess giving speeches to Repugs in Vegas, and entertaining them with his vapid piano stylings, is just such hard work that he doesn’t have time!


4. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He sez (to David Fucking Cameron, no less) that he’s “not stupid”? Methinks he doth protest too much. He’s a jackass with no heart, no mind, and no filter. But maybe he has a point: Calling him stupid is a terrible insult…to stupid people. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

5. Bo Fucking French. So, your “philosophy” of how-to-deal-with-eating-disorders is to shame anorexia victims? And you think trans people should be stoned, and that this will deter them from expressing their gender? If you’re really worried about grown men preying on under-age girls, shouldn’t you be policing your own damn big stupid mouth? Because the shit that comes out of there is doing real harm, I guarandamntee it.

6. Larry Fucking Miller. Oh good, so it’s not just #3 having too much sex with the Repugs. It seems his bullshit whisperer (yes, really) is also having too close relations with them…and the fuckery is all mental.


7. Andrea Fucking Hardie. No, no woman deserves to be slapped around…not even THIS bog-awful one. And no man should have the right to slap any woman around…not even if she is this one, and he is this one’s poor, long-suffering husband. And I can guarandamntee you that NO woman in her right mind “craves” it, either.

8. Mike Fucking Webb. Posting screenshots of his still-open porn tabs to his Facebook campaign page? An amateur he may be, but sexy he ain’t. Oh, and get this: He’s “faith-based”! Whatever the hell THAT means nowadays.

9. Adrien Fucking Brody. Well, aren’t YOU just so special, Mr. Who-the-hell-are-you-anyway? Yeah, the crimes of artistes who molest women and girls are just “fodder” for whatever. And you’re so artistic and above it all. Shoot, what does anyone’s suffering concern high and lofty you? Aaaaand that’s how enablers get made, kiddies.


10. James Fucking Rolfe. And while we’re on the subject of nothing-men whose opinions the world can live without, how about him? Yes, another giant pee-pants manbaby who rants on YouTube isn’t going to see the new all-female Ghostbusters, because reasons. Well, good. Leaves more popcorn and candy for all the non-whiners and non-complainers who will be flocking to see this in fucking DROVES, and who don’t even care that the only significant male character is a big hunky himbo.

11. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Oh, your husband’s not Hitler? Could have fooled me. Could have fooled my dad, who was born in Germany the year the original came to power, and 12 when the Thousand-Year Reich came to an ignominious end in the Führerbunker, and who incidentally thinks your hubby’s “a real Nazi” (his words!). And certainly could have fooled all your fascist fans, who launched a mini-pogrom against a journalist whose only “agenda”, as you so cutely call it, was to write an inoffensive profile of you. Nice victim-blaming, Drumpf Barbie.

12. Owen Fucking Labrie. Oh joy, he’s out. And looking mighty douchey again now that he’s ditched the nerd-glasses his lawyer made him wear.


13. Franklin Fucking Graham. If you think your fellow Religious Reich members should be prepared to take a bullet for their transphobic bullshit, then you should face the firing squad first. Hey, gotta set an example, right? Just a pity there are no such firing squads, because trans people aren’t murderous idiots like you!

14. Robert Fucking Sarah. And once more, with feeling: LGBT people aren’t murderous idiots, like these religious windbags. Which is a good thing for the windbags, but a trying thing for LGBTs…or anyone with an ounce of human decency in them.

15. Alex Fucking Jones. It’s a day of the week ending in “day”, and you know what THAT means: Yup, the loudest mouth in Stupidland is roaring up a blue streak about everything he knows nothing about. And this week, it’s Michelle Obama and her allegedly questionable (but not ever really in question because she gave birth twice) gender.


16. Greg Fucking Abbott. You, sir, are no Jack Kennedy. And you’re attaching his name to your bigotry, even though it was his law that is making your bigotry (and any laws based upon it) into a steaming pile of meadow muffins.

17. Steve Fucking Haymond. Because nothing says “Christian” like making money selling weapons people will abuse their little kids with in the name of Jeebus. Amen.

18. Ramón Fucking Muchacho. Oh joy! The mayor of the richest district in Caracas has FINALLY shown a touching concern for the poor, who are victims of grocery-hoarding and price-driving by the rich. And he’s warning the entire Caribbean of Venezuela’s imminent “collapse”…a “collapse” which, you should know, he’s been working hard to engineer for years.


19. George Fucking Zimmerman, again. Not content to murder an innocent black kid, now he’s busy slamming his victim’s parents for not raising their son right. I’d like to have a word with HIS parents, and believe you me, it would not be a civil one.

20. Ian Fucking Brodie. It’s not just Der Drumpf who loves ignorant, uneducated people…Harpo’s former chief of staff does, too. So much so that he thinks getting rid of public schools should save lots of money that the rich would otherwise have to pay in taxes, while still throwing a bone to all the dumb rednecks having a cow over LGBT/straight alliances and gender-neutral bathrooms. Gotta kiss that moneyed ass, y’know. And gosh, aren’t we glad that these dipshits are no longer in power?

21. Mauricio Fucking Macri. There’s a word all over Latin America for “leaders” like him, who let the gringos just walk all over the place like they own it: VENDEPATRIAS. And just for good measure, they want to append a “FUCKING” to the front end of that, now.


22. Bob Fucking Owens. Never mind that not a single right-wing nutjob’s gun has ever been grabbed, they still fear-wank about it CONSTANTLY. And this one does it while spouting racist slurs about blacks murdered by white gun-toters, whom he calls “good people”, because of course. It’s almost enough to make one wish that their worst fears WOULD come true, just once.

23. Caleb Andrew Fucking Bailey. And here is one of those toters whose guns should be grabbed. Does the rubric of “good people” include kiddie-porn hoarders who work for Der Drumpf?

24. Healy Fucking Baumgardner. Oh boy, where to start with this one? It’s no wonder she works for Der Drumpf; I never saw a more mindless defence of the indefensible than the ones that dribbled from HER lips.


25. Wayne Fucking Spindler. Lest anyone get the misguided impression that it’s only in the south that the Klukers ride around in hooded sheets, here’s one from California who’s — get this — a lawyer in Encino. But, true to form, he DOES threaten to lynch blacks, so there’s that.

26. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Justin Trudeau is just like Jian Ghomeshi? Nope…sorry-not-sorry, he’s not. He’s just a rookie PM who made a rookie mistake. But nice job trying to score some cheap political points, now that feminism is finally fashionable on the Hill!

27. Ezra Fucking Levant. Same link, same shit, different asshole with no chance of scoring a political point ever. Because it’s 2016, and he’s still irreLevant!


28. Paul Fucking Elam. Racist much? Yes, tell us again how your “movement” is all about men’s rights. You’re doing fuck-all for veterans. And attacking black women (single mothers or not) isn’t helping, either.

29. William Fucking Johnson. And MOAR racism. Yeah, tell us again how the word “racist” is a slur. It seems to me it’s an accurate descriptor of your views, which aren’t exactly in step with the times. And no, you don’t get to turn the clock back 60 years again so no one gets to use those words to describe you, either.

30. Kim Fucking Davis. No, the bible isn’t the law. And yes, you do have to accept a SCOTUS ruling as the law, because they’re the experts on it. NOT you. Do your job, or find another one!


And finally, to these four feckin’ eejits, who thought it would be cool to take selfies for their clothing company’s Facebook page by trespassing on the Grand Prismatic spring (see photo above). Like the idiots with the bison calf, these four were Canadian. Dudes, you’re all dumbasses, and I’m ashamed to share a country with you. You give us all a bad name. The rules of Yellowstone were put there for a reason, and it wasn’t so you could break them in the name of looking cooler-than-thou. And if you were really cool, you’d have understood that, and left your idiot selves out of the picture, and just photographed the spring from a respectful distance like normal visitors.

Good night, and get fucked!

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