Wankers of the Week: Chicken à la Drumpf

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Drumpf-Bernie debate that never happened, even though Der Drumpf got someone else to pay for it. Guess what that makes him? Yup…Buk buk buk BAWWWWWK! Ahem. And now that we’ve seen his true plumage, here are the rest of this week’s dumb clucks, in no particular (pecking) order:

1. James Fucking Weeks. If you ever wondered whether capital-L Libertarians were serious people, now you have an answer. This party leadership candidate did a strip act on a dare…right before dropping out of the race. And of course, it happened in Florida. PS: Sorry for the Moonie Times link, it’s the only one apparently covering this fiasco.

2. Barbara Fucking Bush. She doesn’t understand how women could vote for Der Drumpf? Easy, Barb…same as they did for your husband and your idiot son.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Jesus Christ, woman, go the fuck home. You’re fucking DRUNK.

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4. Linda Fucking Sorenson. Seriously, Colorado Repugs, get your fucking act together. Is your racist photo a hack, or a “joke” that you don’t care if it offends anyone? Maybe you’d best decide these things before you post them on your Facebook pages, eh?

5. Allan Fucking Goldman. 30+ men — not trans women — raped a 16-year-old girl in Brazil. And one fucking idiot decided to speculate pointlessly (and in bad English) about “gender ideology” on his Facebook page about it. And promptly got fired for it, because that kind of stoopid is going over rather badly in Brazil right now.

6. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Justin Trudeau, “female” prime minister? Nice sexism you got there, lady. So much for your late conversion to feminism, eh? And yeah, so much for your “feminist” party, too. You had a female prime minister — briefly — who did fuck-all for women, and never got re-elected. But nice job glossing that over.

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7. Phil Fucking Bryant. Dude, get the hell off that cross. We need the lumber AND the nails. And your name isn’t Jesus.

8. Colin Fucking Murphy. Florida Man, eat your heart out. This week, Ohio Man has topped you by drunkenly pooping on a supermarket self-checkout unit. Guess he mistook it for one of their newly gender-neutral toilets.

9. Janice Fucking Fiamengo. Isn’t it nice to know that the University of Ottawa has a tenured professor who’s not afraid — or ashamed — to boogie with actual white supremacists in the name of the men’s rights bowel movement? And to think she calls us feminists Nazis. Jan, you owe me a new irony meter. You just fucking imploded mine.

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10. Dean Fucking Saxton. If you tell women they deserve rape, then you deserve what you get in return. Which, in this case, was a baseball bat to the head — wielded by a woman. Ha, ha.

11. James Fucking Dobson. Where are all the transgender shooting victims, he wonders? Well, definitely not lurking in bathrooms. But if you look hard enough, you’ll find them. And strangely, you’ll also find that not one was ever killed for molesting a woman or a child.

12. Carl Fucking Gallups. Oh yay, MORE End Times “prophecies”…that mean absolutely nothing in real terms. And look! There’s more irrational transphobia in there, too!

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13. James Fucking Kirkpatrick. Yeah, the Angry Birds movie is secretly all about immigration. Never mind that white humans aren’t red birds, and brown humans aren’t green pigs. Both are humans. Oops, there goes THAT inane little racist theory!

14. Louie Fucking Gohmert. And speaking of inane little theories, Gomer has one, too: GAYLIENS! Because humans are totally gonna colonize space, any day now. And they need nothing but straight-ass heterosexuals to reproduce and take over the Universe. Yeah. Uh-huh.

15. Jason Fucking Kenney. Schools “hard-wire” students with “anti-conservative”, “collectivist” ideas? Uh, Jason? It’s called KNOWLEDGE. And EDUCATION. If conservatives have a problem with these things, it’s because they don’t have much of a brain, DUH. And you’re never going to “break that nut”, because knowledge can’t be un-acquired, stupid!

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16. Glenn Fucking Beck. Welp, looks like his own stochastic terrorism has finally bitten Biff in the ass. His radio plug has been pulled, at least for now. Pity it took no less than a veiled threat to Der Drumpf to do it. Why not the Tides Foundation, or abortion doctors, or anything progressive? Jesus.

17. Larry Fucking Pratt. And speaking of stochastic terrorism, how about him? Yeah, if you lose at the ballot box, why take defeat gracefully like a normal person, when you can shoot shit up like a lunatic with a gun?

18. Todd Fucking Warner. Is anyone surprised that in addition to having a problem with LGBTphobia, North Carolina is also cursed with an awful lot of out and out RACISTS? And that some of them run AirBnB accommodations? One more reason to boycott, in case you needed any. And oh yeah, boycott this one in particular.

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19. Stacey Fucking Dash. Trans people should “just go in the bushes”? Newsflash, lady — lots of them already do. It’s not safe in the bushes. People get beaten up and killed in the bushes. And shame on you for perpetuating a stigma that started out against black people. Of whom conservatism is no friend. You’ve not gone from “clueless to conservative” — you’ve gone conservative, and that’s clueless. Period.

20. Cory Fucking Bernardi. Boom! Was that a gun going off in your own foot, linking to a Doosh V article on “Social Justice Warriors”? Why yes, it was. Hope you enjoy hobbling around being pointed and laughed at, buffoon. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

21. David Fucking Riden. And MOAR stochastic terrorism! At this rate, the Drumpf Repugs and their co-religionists will have no one left who isn’t either a corrupto, a pervert, or a murderer. Down the toilet goes the whole party…

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22. Terry Fucking Branstad. Shocking as it may seem, the First Amendment prohibits theocracy under any religion…and you may want to refer back to Article 11 of the Treaty of Tripoli for proof that the US was never conceived as a Christian nation. So, gubnor…what’s your lame excuse for trying to establish a theocracy in Iowa?

23. Daniel Fucking Kalb. Never mind that the “vaccines cause autism” myth was debunked YEARS ago. Nope, this so-called doctor is still clinging to the fallacy as promulgated by uneducated, non-scientist moms on the internet. But hey. When there’s a cluster of patients with contagious, preventable diseases all tied to this clinic, just watch the malpractice suits roll in, eh? Yeah, better that than admit that autism is, in fact, GENETIC in origin.

24. William Fucking Gilroy. No, Skippy, you’re not sovereign. You’re just a plain old citizen who’s dumber than dung. And you don’t get to arrest the judge trying your case, either. How’s contempt of court sound to you, Skippy?

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25. Scott Fucking Slinker. Der Drumpf is a “racist for the American employee”? Tell that to the Chinese sweatshop workers who make his branded suits, Scotty.

26. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Palestinians really do exist. Just ask all the people your beloved State of Israel displaced from their own land, and whose olive groves they are bulldozing to “make the desert bloom”!

27. Angela Fucking Cummings. Yay, another store preacher makes an ass of herself looking to convert people to Stoopidism! Last week, she was at a high school, harassing the kids. You have met the devil, lady…and it is YOU.

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28. Jonathan Shawn Fucking Russell. No, dude, your own perversions are not God. And you don’t have the right to “take them seriously” on the hide of any child, let alone someone else’s. Throw away your idiotic theocratic books and get a grip on yourself.

29. Pat Fucking McCrory. The Bathroom Bandit has spoken, and he means to stick by his anti-LGBT laws. Even if they sink him. Well, I hope they do.

30. Andy Fucking Hallinan. And MOAR stochastic terrorism! Gawd, this has been one helluva week for that shit. Maybe someone should make a target with HIS face on it, hmmm?

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And finally, to the motherfucking monsters of Ticketmaster and StubHub. Shame on you for trying to profiteer off what will be Gordon Downie’s last tour with the Tragically Hip, as he’s got terminal brain cancer. And shame on you for screwing fans over what are already very pricey tickets. You need to be regulated straight out of existence. Fuck you, fuck your “charitable” excuse-making, and fuck the profit-hungry monopoly you rode in on.

Good night, and get clucked…er, FUCKED!

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