Wankers of the Week: Thoughts ‘n’ Prayers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, I’m dead tired of all the bullshit going down. I’m in a contemplative frame of mind, and you know what that calls for? That’s right, thoughts ’n’ prayers! So, with no further ado and in no particular order, here’s who I’m thinking of and praying for this week:

1. Erick Fucking Erickson. “Scrub the gay from the Orlando Massacre”? Um, how about NO? And how about we scrub you from the airwaves, the internet, and the consciousness of the world at large instead, since you’re worse than useless anyway?

2. Kevin Fucking Swanson. So, the gays of Orlando “had it coming”? Well, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got coming. Hopefully a revocation of whatever licence you’re broadcasting under, for starters. And preferably even more humiliating and career-ending things to come, since people who talk like you tend to be harboring the most perverted secrets of all.

3. Sean Fucking Hannity. Oh, shut UP, Baby Jeebus. Your biggest problem isn’t “radical Islamists”, it’s radical right-wing shitferbrains…like YOU.

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4. Kenneth Fucking Lewis. He wanted Orlando “leveled” because, in his words, it’s “a melting pot of 3rd world miscreants and ghetto thugs…void of culture”. And that’s not the first time he’s shown his racist ass, either. He’s out now, and good fucking riddance.

5. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. I can’t tell whether you’re washed-up, a has-been, or just a natural-born loser. One thing’s for sure, though: You haven’t aged well. PS: Go ahead and sue me…if you can find me, MORON.

6. Ted Fucking Nugent. “Sexy gals”, you say? Your concert tix are going for a fraction of their original face value. Somehow, I doubt that the crème des femmes is going to be showing up. And if they’re skinny, it’s because of all the meth they do just in order to be able to tolerate your drivel.

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7. Jesse Fucking Price. No, God’s wrath isn’t falling on the gays. But the people’s wrath is falling on YOU, and deservedly so…as much for your shitty sign-writing skills as for your rampant homophobia.

8. Donnie Fucking Romero. Uh, you do realize that not all the 50 victims of Orlando were gay men, right? One of them was the mother of a dozen kids, and there with her gay son. Careful with the gloating and the ugly prayers lest Karma rise up to bite you in the ass.

9. Larry Fucking Pratt. No, alcohol doesn’t cause gun massacres. All of them have only one thing in common, and it’s not a bottle of booze.

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10. Bill Fucking Donohue. The Catholic Church isn’t a person. It can’t be raped. Children, on the other hand, can…and guess who’s doing it to them more than just about anyone?

11. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Hey millennial kids! Forget about there being a CPP when you get old enough to need it. Lisa wants you to drive cars for a crapitalist “sharing economy” giant until you drop dead in your walkers. How’s that for motivation?

12. Ted Fucking Falk. Not going to Pride? Not a good look. Demanding to be respected for being a fundie jackass way behind the times? That’s a wank!

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13. Wayne Fucking LaPierre. Look out, world. The Peter has finally lost what little mind he had left. Now he’s reduced to babbling paranoid nonsense. This is enough to make me wish somebody would actually come for their guns.

14. Tana Fucking Goertz. “Money is not a problem” for Der Drumpf? That’s funny. He’s been reduced to “emergency” fund-raising for a campaign he claimed was “self-funding”. And he won’t release his tax forms, probably because they’ll show that he’s not, in fact, a billionaire or anything close to it. I’d say that money is, indeed, a problem for him. Indeed, the root of all his problems. At this rate, you’ll probably want to go back to shilling for Bedazzlers, they’re worth more than he is. Ha, ha.

15. Sandy Fucking Rios. Meanwhile, this is how we really know Der Drumpf is losing. When his unhinged “Christian” supporters urge killing in the name of Wingnut Jesus — oh sorry, DRUMPF — you just know he’s going down in flames, and taking them all with him.

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16. Jon Fucking Ralston. Booted out by PBS for lying like a dirty rug about Bernie Sanders supporters — oh sorry, “Berniebots” — in Vegas? A fine “reporter” YOU turned out to be, Jono. Next time, try verifying your sources’ claims…you know, like a REAL reporter. Don’t make Snopes do your work for you.

17. David Fucking Barton. You think women shouldn’t vote? I think you shouldn’t open your mouth. Ever. Again.

18. Howard Fucking Sparber. The only thing scarier than Florida Man…is Florida Man with a hard-on. Or a hate-on. With Florida Man, it’s always hard to tell the difference.

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19. Rick Fucking Tyler. “Make America White Again”? Well, THERE’s a Drumpfite who’s at least honest about his racism. Too bad he’s wrong about his history. America, the continent, was never white, and the United States, the country, was never white, either. There is no “again” about it. These people are talking genocide, and it’s time to shut them all down.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh Patwa, go home, you’re drunk! (Again!) Because if you really thought God was going to punish women for having abortions, and doctors for doing them, you keep forgetting who’s the biggest abortionist of them all…and, hint-hint, it’s the sky-pixie that brings on all the miscarriages and kills off fertilized eggs before they can even implant!

21. Marco Fucking Rubio. First he wasn’t seeking re-election. Now he IS? Well, in the end, it’s the people who will decide…and if they’re at all smart, they will decide that they are sick of his shit. Including all the flippy-floppy.

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22. Steve Fucking King. Oh, you’re a conservative, are you? You like to keep what you have, do you? You like rampant gun violence? You like racism? Oh wait…you say you don’t like racism, because racism, according to your brand new conservative definition, is “trying to identify people by categories”? Well, duh, people are often identified by categories anyoldhow, and “liberal activism” has piss-all to do with that. It’s as old as the hills, as is stupidity. And excluding people by categories falls squarely under conservative stupidity, too. And that’s the only thing you’re truly conserving when you try to keep Harriet Tubman’s face off the twenty-dollar bill.

23. Ken Fucking Ham. At this rate, his Ark-park will probably never open. And that’s a very good thing. Because it sounds like he’s an absolute shit to work for.

24. Davis Fucking Aurini. Still babbling. Still knows nothing. Still making no sense. Still an asshole. And that’s why he’s still not getting any girls.

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25. Bill Fucking Keebler. No, he’s not a cookie-baking elf. He’s yet another Bundyite toy-army whackjob, and now he’s in jail for trying to blow up a government building. Oh yeah, and although the major media aren’t calling him that, he’s also a would-be terrorist and recruiter of terrorists. Who, thankfully, got arrested before he could carry his terror plans out.

26. Zack Fucking Thomas. The only thing dumber than a ranting racist Drumpfite is a crybaby racist Drumpfite. And this guy has gone from dumb to dumber in the space of a day. So dumb, in fact, that he forgets that we’ve all seen his neo-Nazi tattoo (it covers his entire back), and no one believes his “I’m not racist” bawling for an instant.

27. Scott Fucking Adams. Dude. We get it. You don’t like V-neck sweaters. So don’t wear them, then. And STFU about it!

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28. Tony Fucking Robbins. Well, how about that. The Big Kahuna of motivational speakers…is not a real kahuna. At ALL. And 30 poor fools spent a fortune to get their feet burned on one of his “power-unleashing” fake firewalks, by real hot coals. Here’s your motivational thought for the day, folks: If a real Hawaiian Kahuna isn’t conducting the ceremony, save your money…and your soles, too!

29. Steven Fucking Anderson. Awwwww. Duzzums haz a mad ‘cause yer money train got derailed? Diddums! Ha, ha.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Why?

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That’s why. And on a related note, ¡VIVA ESCOCIA, CARAJOOOOO! Ja, ja, ja.

And finally, to Ernest Fucking Bothi, and all the right-wing oilpatch assholes who thought it would be cute to have a picture of Rachel Notley — the popular NDP premier of Alberta — as a target on their mini-golf course. Because batting balls at a woman’s face is such a civilized alternative to target-shooting with AR-15 not-deer rifles, isn’t it? Oh, and nice nopology too. And nice reference to communism! What decade are you living in, asshole? “I’m sorry IF” is not an apology, and the NDP are a long way from communism. Which, by now, is looking downright good, because what you sexist murder-mongering crapitalists have on offer isn’t worth wiping my ass on anymore. ANY of it.

And if you don’t like MY free speech, here’s all I have to say to you:

Good night, and get fucked!

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