Wankers of the Week: All Lives Chatter

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, this week, we finally, definitively found out that All Lives Matter, and that some matter more than others. Still. So, what’s new? Not much. Wankers are still wanking, same as ever. And this week, it was:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh look, everyone, Biff has ugly little chin-whiskers now! And his opinions are still shitty, too! And no, Biff, God isn’t sending anything, nor does She have any intention of rescuing you from the consequences. That “chaos” you see is Karma at work, giving you back — yes, you personally, since you personally contributed — the shit you put out, muliplied a thousandfold. You don’t want any more shit? Then stop spewing it. Problem solved!

2. Buck Fucking Sexton. Who? Oh, just some white pissant that Van Jones squelched on TV the other night for trying to blame Black Lives Matter for a murder spree none of them committed. Nobody, in other words!

3. Harry Fucking Houck. Police racism doesn’t matter? Tell that to the families of all the black victims of police brutality. Or, in other words: Tell them that their loved ones don’t matter.

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4. Paula Fucking White. How predictably ironic is it that Der Drumpf’s presumptive “spritual advisor” turns out to be a money-grubbing charlatan? And that she stole her “resurrection seed” idea from a series of books which most right-wing Christofascists abhor? Very? That’s what I thought, too.

5. Alex Fucking Jones. Of COURSE he has an opinion on who really fired those cop-killing shots in Dallas. It was George Soros! And lizard people! And oogitaboogitaboogita! Yup, that final brain hemorrhage is getting closer all the time, folks!

6. Jim Fucking Minardi. Aw, how patriotic and heroic of him to defend an openly treasonous coward who threatened the POTUS on the tweeter. Hope you enjoy your little visit from the Secret Service, Jimmy!

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7. Dan Fucking Patrick. When a respected local broadcaster calls you out for being an idiot — you a IDIOT, son. And that goes double if a local top cop also does it.

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh look, she’s drunk again. And projecting again. And babbling word soup again. Go home, Quitbull, and STAY THERE.

9. Andrea Fucking Leadsom. She’s not a feminist because that word “abuses men”? Well, then. Good thing she’s also not the British PM, eh?

10. Tim Fucking Hudak. Why?

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That’s why. White conservatives putting words into black demonstrators’ mouths AND stating blatant untruths about racist cops? Timmeh, you’re not part of the solution. You are the problem. STOP IT.

11. Laura Fucking Herrick. Shorter: Don’t want to get raped, girls? Don’t drink so much. Then no one will mistake you for that woozy slut who always gets passed around from fratboy to fratboy at keggers! Gee. I wonder why this little thinkpiece of hers got pulled so fast. Could it be…SEXISM?

12. Jimmy Fucking Morris. Those “idiots” you were planning to run over are PEOPLE, dumbass. People whose lives matter. And if you have a problem with that, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Because, as a (ahem: FORMER) fire chief, it’s your job to save lives, not end them.

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13. Phil Fucking Robertson. Pedophile who married a child says WHAT? Gay people are responsible for 160,000 murders, thanks to same-sex marriage? Nuh-unh, fuckass. Gun nuts like YOU, who can’t stop shooting people — THAT’s who’s responsible.

14. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. Guess who appointed that god-awful rabbi who said it was okay for the IDF to rape non-Jewish women? Yup. THIS guy. This schmuck. This fucking putz.

15. George W. Fucking Bush. Dubya’s been tucked away from sight for a long time, and it’s not hard to see why. He’s gone from a dry drunk to a full-on damp one. When he was briefly wheeled out of retirement for an interfaith memorial service for the five cops shot in Dallas, what did he do? Bopped around like he was at a rock concert. One half expected to see him flick his Bic, and it was only Michelle Obama, bless her, bravely holding him back. That look of sheer embarrassment on her face just said it all, didn’t it?

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16. Tomi Fucking Lahren. If the US is indeed “more divided than ever before”, it’s not because of Barack Obama and his black attorneys-general, much less “demons”. It’s because of racist white wankers like Y-O-U, you fucking idiot. YOU are the fucking demon.

17. Sean Fucking Hannity. And speaking of racist demons, how about this one? Yup, the Baby Jesus is illiterate, because he can’t seem to understand that “Black Lives Matter” does not have the word “Only” in there, ANYWHERE. Anybody want to teach this racist moron to read?

18. Donald Fucking Drumpf. No, stupid, the Bernie Bros and Bernie-dettes won’t be voting for you. They want the smart one, remember? PS: D’awww. Did the Notorious RBG scare you? Diddums!

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19. Remigio Fucking Pereira. No, you douche-faced walking embarrassment, you do NOT get to hijack our national anthem with your own (crappy!) lyrics. Much less to dismiss a legitimate anti-racist movement — which, FYI, happens to include people of all colors, not just blacks! And who the hell told you you were “the great”, anyhow? Whoever it was, they’re idiots. And so are YOU.

20. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Never mind black lives, says Hucky Fudd — what about teh menz? Well, no one can ever accuse him of being abreast of the times, can they? Much less can anyone accuse him of knowing how to parse a set of statistics. Hucky, stop trying to be relevant and just go the fuck away.

21. Rick Fucking Wiles. Pokémon, tool of Satan? Gee, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah…back in the days when it was Dungeons & Dragons. Which is still being played today, but have you ever noticed that the Religious Reich has NOTHING to say about it anymore? Everytime there’s a popular new toy, game or book, they just have to jack off all over it, because it’s proof that they and their odious religion do not and never will have a monopoly on young people’s minds.

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22. Pat Fucking McCrory. If you thought his anti-LGBT laws were bad, wait’ll you get a load of his plan to protect the police from the public…and public scrutiny. Never mind that photography and filming aren’t crimes. Ol’ Pattyboy is determined to make them that. Because, as everyone knows, the police are never aggressors, so there’s never any reason to monitor them stringently…

23. Chris Fucking Christie. Pro tip: If you’re serious about being POTUS one day, try not to do what you accuse your rivals of doing. And also, try not to do it worse and more than they do! (Hear that, Dubya?)

24. Richard Fucking Land. If you ever wondered why I think the US should start forcing churches to pay taxes, just get a load of how they’re meddling in politics. This guy should be the first to start paying. (And Ted Fucking Cruz should be disbarred, not installed on the SCOTUS.)

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25. Monika Fucking Schaefer. Not knowing something is happening does NOT mean it didn’t happen. You can’t see the air. Does it not exist? Then what are you breathing? Same goes for Holocaust denial. Just because it didn’t happen right under your nose, doesn’t mean it never happened. Idiot.

26. Amer Fucking Saka. Of all the people who ought to know better, a Chaldean priest shouldn’t be stealing money intended to help bring refugees to safety. Not only is it uncharitable, it also goes against the vow of poverty!

27. Dani Fucking Mathers. So. How does the 2015 Plaything of the Year follow up on her silicone success? By body-shaming a woman who obviously hasn’t had nearly as much plastic surgery while she’s changing in the locker room at the gym. Yeah, you really seem very secure in your own looks, sweetie. And your lame excuses are washing like a machine load of raw sewage. I don’t believe for an instant that “this” is not who you are…because what you do when you think you won’t get caught is EXACTLY who you are! PS: Privacy violation is a crime. Sign, sign, SIGN.

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28. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. How much longer do you suppose it will be before his profile appears on a gay dating app, or he’s caught with a rentboy? Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents.

29. Jeanine Fucking Pirro. No, stupid, racism in the US wasn’t “primarily fixed” when Barack Obama was elected (and re-elected). It hasn’t been “fixed” in the slightest. If anything, it’s gotten worse since then. Three guesses as to why…and no, stupid, it’s not because of anything HE did.

30. Josh Fucking Duggar. When you’re saved by your full quiver, you can get away with anything…including rape. Isn’t that right, Cow Boy?

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And finally, to the fucking FBI. Yes, that’s right, the gang that can’t shoot straight. And this week, someone there (who? I dunno, the source is unnamed) claimed that the Pulse nightclub wasn’t targeted because it was a gay club. Even though the shooter was a regular there, and mad at gay Latinos for “using him for sex”, somehow the fact that it’s a specifically gay-slanted nightspot isn’t a factor in the massacre? My mind, it boggleth, yea verily.

Good night, and get fucked!

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