Wankers of the Week: The Russkies are coming! The Russkies are coming!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to my US friends, especially the Bernie Bros and Bernie-dettes. Sorry, folks, that your candidate got backstabbed, lied about, cheated, and ultimately, you got ripped off too. Surprise! The DNC convention was just as much of a shitshow as last week’s Drumpf clown-car unpacking. And it even comes complete with (readily debunked) ooga-booga about Russia and how Pooty-Poot is allegedly behind Der Drumpf. No solid proof, mind you; just a whole buttload of dumb, gonna-bite-‘em-in-the-ass accusations that make establishment Dems all sound like Chicken Little. And they are well represented among the wankers this week, albeit, as usual, in no particular order:

1. Tim Fucking LaHaye. Yes, he died this week…but he still deserves a spot on this list. Why? Because he helped shape the fucked-up, Christofascist country that’s now in such a shambles that its choice of candidates is Far Right and Right Lite. And because he’s a shitty dreck-writer whose works are still, unbelievably, selling and being read.

2. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Roger Fucking Ailes “helped” women? No, Donnie — he screwed them over. Literally. Sex with the boss is NOT “helping” anyone. And if the boss is half as repulsive a monster as Ailes, it’s gonna hurt like hell, and keep on hurting. PS: Well, well. Look who hasn’t met Pooty-Poot after all! This after bragging of meeting him last year. Well, Donnie? Which is it? PPS: And no, I don’t for an instant believe that Russia hacked the DNC’s emails as a favor to him, much less at his request. But his making cracks about it — not to mention his threatening violence like a schoolyard bully — is proof that he’s too dumb, stupid and immature to run a popsicle stand, much less a country.

3. Debbie Fucking Wasserman Fucking Schultz. Why the double Fucking?

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That’s why. The chutzpah and inhumanity just knows no bounds. And this isn’t even taking into account how she worked hard to deliver the “right” (wing) result in the Democratic primary, which is now DINO. And got rewarded for it by you-know-who, too.

4. Laurie Fucking Throness. LGBT people are “dominating” Christians? Wow, who knew? Is he paying a lesbian dominatrix to whip and chain him, or how would he know all this?

5. Matt Fucking Skof. A gaggle of Ottawa police officers beat to death a mentally ill black man out of obvious racism, and the police union leader is in denial. Which ain’t no river in Somalia, Cleo.

6. Owen Fucking Shroyer. Speaking of racism, this rising “star” of the “alt” right (read: Neo-Nazis too cowardly to speak their own name) tried to take on Van Jones. Bad, bad, BAD mistake, punkass.

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7. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. He called Arabs “goats”, supposedly by accident. Somehow, I get the feeling it was no real accident at all, but a Freudian slip.

8. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Making excuses for the slavery that built the White House? Yeah, that’s a “history teacher thing”, all right. A BAD history-teacher thing. PS: Ha, ha! PPS: Get a waaaambulance, Billo is melting DOWN!

9. Brock Fucking Paulke. Misogyny and rape culture on Facebook, “advice”? And “charitable”? Yeah, right. Pull the other one, dopey, it shoots hot buttered popcorn!

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10. Tracy Fucking Rosner. Teacher who can’t speak Spanish sues because she didn’t get a job teaching Spanish. And claims it was “reverse” racism that kept her incompetent white ass out of the job? Only in Florida, folks.

11. Tony Fucking Blair. Waaaaa, Dubya’s Poodle haz a cranky! He’s mad at Jeremy Corbyn for calling him what he is…namely, a war criminal who had to rely on a fudged-up dossier to drag his country into a massively unpopular, totally unwarranted war. And he’s pissy at him for not being able to “help” Syria? By bombing the shit out of it, no doubt. He forgets that Corbyn is not the PM, but the Loyal Opposition — and that as such, he has little to no sway over the ruling party. And that’s what makes Toady Bliar a wanker this week, kiddies.

12. Angela Fucking Eagle. And speaking of crankies: Looks like somebody can’t face the fact that Toady really IS a war criminal. And how convenient that she’s trying to oust Corbyn from the spot that the rank and file elected him to.

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13. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Carry water for Roger Fucking Ailes — get water dumped all over you. See how that works?

14. Harry Fucking Houck. No, Sandra Bland didn’t die in police custody (for a minor traffic infraction that should have resulted in no more than a ticket and a warning!) because she was “arrogant”. She died because she was black, because cops have racial arrest quotas to fill, and because the fucking cops roughed her up, on purpose, for driving while black, and they didn’t care if she died in the process.

15. Jim Fucking Bakker. $100 a month to this charlatan, to buy real estate in heaven? Somehow, I don’t think this is what Jesus meant by “many mansions”. I get the feeling ol’ Jimmeh’s more the sort of guy he’d have driven out of the temple with a cat-o’-nine-tails.

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16. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how embarrassingly stupid Der Drumpf’s surrogate is for claiming it’s sexist to say women can be president, and racist not to include white boys (who, to date, have been the ONLY ones to grow up to be president)! And also for claiming there was never a glass ceiling. And ALSO for “What about my son?” Lady, if he’s as dumb as you are, you better pray that he takes no interest in politics, EVER.

17. Leon Fucking Panetta. Look who turned out to be a conspiracy tinfoiler! Yeah…HIM. It’s like none of them can admit that Der Drumpf is bad enough on his own, or that their own side has done grievous wrong in cheating their own party’s voters of a free and fair process. Both mistakes will cost them. PS: Ha, ha!

18. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Surprise! She lied about her education; she doesn’t have a degree in anything. But then again, she also lies to Der Drumpf…about not pooping or farting, among other things.

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19. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Why is it such a novelty when a young black person is “so articulate”? Could it be because all the white people who cop to supporting Daddy-O are, um, how to put this delicately…NOT SO FUCKING BRIGHT??? And anyhow: This black teen who supposedly endorses Der Drumpf is not old enough to vote (he’s still five years too young), so why does it even matter? PS: No, Barack Obama did not plagiarize your speech, dumbass.

20. Marco Fucking Rubio. Yeah, surprise: He really doesn’t care about gay people. Although, weirdly, he still makes my gaydar go woop woop woop.

21. Nicholas Fucking Confessore. And speaking of surprises that aren’t: The Grey Lady is a shill for the Lady in the Pantsuit. And this “reporter” is the official stenographer to the Clinton campaign.

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22. Lisa Fucking Greenwood. Ever notice how those who say ugly racist things about Michelle Obama tend to be…well, ugly racists? Yeah. I noticed. How ‘bout you?

23. Motti Fucking Dotan. And speaking of ugly racists, how about this one? He thinks Arabs are too dirty to use Israeli public swimming pools. Oh, of course he doesn’t come out and put it quite that way, but anyone with an eye can see what he means. He thinks they should stick to their own, even though they don’t have any, because you-know-who keeps yanking their land out from under them! Meaning, only Israeli Jews are good enough to stay cool in the hot Middle Eastern summer. Just as they’re the only ones good enough to own Palestine.

24. Bill Fucking Clinton. Yes, HIM. Because yes, he went THERE. Where’s THERE? The insult-the-Muslims route. Where else? Oh yeah: The insult-women-and-blacks route, too. The only people he didn’t insult? White men like himself, who capitulate to right-wingers at every bend. Please, Bill…take your foot out of your mouth and sit DOWN. You do NOT want to see me dredge up what you did wrong during the ‘90s.

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25. Scott Fucking Adams. D’awwww, Dilbert is all cockadroop! And also paranoid as fuck that he’ll be ridiculed to death as a Californian Drumpf supporter. Well, Herr Kafka, you may be paranoid, but yeah. People will mock you all the way to your grave for that bit of stoooooopid. And very deservedly so.

26. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Whites, a minority in the US? Not even hardly. Unless, of course, you’re talking about albinos, in which case yeah.

27. Jeffery Fucking Lord. Gun violence, the fault of legalized abortion? Not even hardly. Here in Canada, we’ve had no abortion law since 1988, and stricter gun laws since the early 1990s. Guess what our gun crime rates look like. No, really — guess!

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28. Rick Fucking Myers. Because it just wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man…picking magic mushrooms while toting a ‘gator for reasons known only to himself. (And maybe not even then. Who knows?)

29. Ryan Fucking Bundy. Well, at least he admits he’s an idiot. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Now, about those million-dollar demands…

30. Javier Fucking Duarte. Holy fucking shit, Antonin Fucking Scalia’s not really dead…he just took up a new post as a state governor in Mexico! And it looks like he’s really itching to declare miscarriages to be manslaughter. My question is this: How is this misconception even in office at all?

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And finally, to the fucking DNC. Yes, ALL of them. Why? Because if anyone’s torpedoed the Democratic Party’s chance of winning this upcoming election, it’s them. Their blatant rigging of the process is now out there for all the world to see. It’s alienating as all fuck. And no, they won’t be able to blame it on mythical, misogynous Bernie Bros switching their vote to Der Drumpf, because there literally aren’t any who would do anything so goddamn fucking stupid. Their candidate is actually the one who could have beaten Drumpf hands down, and the DNC idiots made sure that wouldn’t happen — by making a mockery of the party’s very name. They harp a lot on Der Drumpf’s treason, but what about their own? Worst intra-party scandal since Tammany Hall, and they couldn’t have picked a worse time to spring it, either. This one’s totally on them. And so will their defeat be, if it comes to that.

Good night, and get fucked!

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