Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Canada Day to all my fellow Canucks. Well. How about that Brexit? Looks like the United Kingdom is no longer so united. Scotland wants out of the UK and into the EU, and Northern Ireland is looking to reunite with the rest of Ireland. No word yet on what Wales and Cornwall are going to do, but if they’re smart, they’ll join the rest of the Kelts in un-joining. The UK could soon be the FUK — Formerly United Kingdom. And that bit of fuckery (or should I say fukkery?) will be all the fault of some major, MAJOR wankers…some of whom just HAD to appear here:
1. Nigel Fucking Farage. While the rest of this list is in no particular order, I still felt he should be awarded the first-cracker-out-of-the-box spot. Why? Because he’s a fucking flip-flopping wankmuppet, why else? PS: And oh yeah, he’s also a gloating shitmaggot who forgets that a politician died on the eve of his pyrrhic victory. And was murdered by one of his more extreme supporters. PS: Blowback’s a bitch, innit? Hahahahahah.
2. Jan Fucking Brewer. Oh boo fucking hooooooo, she doesn’t like being called a bigot. Well, tough shit, Jan. If you support Drumpf, you ARE a bigot. The moron has no supporters who are not bigots anyway, and neither do you. Wear that shoe, and don’t complain about the pinching…it fits you to a T.
3. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?
That’s why. Does his right hand even know what his left hand is doing, or does he just wank ambidextrously? PS: Give it up, Jason, the dog-whistling won’t work. Alberta can whine and stomp and pout all it likes (and so can you), but it doesn’t have a ball to take and go home with anymore (and neither do you). PPS: And when you’re so toxic that other Alberta Tories are threatening to quit because of you, you really have no balls at all.
4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Racism elected a black president? Will wonders never cease! I always thought racism’s whole purpose was to keep white people (and more specifically, cis-het white males) on top of everyfuckingthing, whether they had any business being there or not.
5. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. No, Der Drumpf is NOT an expert on Britain in any way, shape or form. Remember how they trounced him on the tweeter? PS: Oh FUCK no. Get this bastard off the air, already! PPS: That giant whistling noise you hear is…oh gawd…INCOMING!!!
6. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Propping up the LGBTphobic scare agenda, are we? And telling people to shit their pants over it? Not smart…but then, when was she ever?
7. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. No, stupid, you CAN’T relate to surviving a Nazi concentration camp. For that matter, you can’t relate to making all kinds of shifts to get through the Great Depression. You’re a FUX Snooze bimbo, and you’ve never done a hard thing in your life. Change your surname to Airhead, it suits you better.
8. Clarence Fucking Thomas. So. Are any of us missing Vaffanculo Scalia yet? No? Good. Because his long-silent butler has valiantly decided to step in for him and offer the most inane defence of the indefensible in the history of ever. Luckily for the domestically abused (read: WOMEN), the majority opinion was that no, their abusers (read: MEN) should NOT get easier access to the weapons to murder them with.
9. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Fact-checking is “elitist” and “out of touch”? Well, now we need no longer wonder why journalism is in the deep shit that it’s in. Apparently media moguls agree, and those out-of-touch elitists are cutting fact-checkers in the name of saving cash on salaries, and making it on advertising crapaganda!
10. Bill Fucking Donohue. Makes career out of attacking gays. Told to apologize for it by no less than the Pope himself. Tells Pope to go fuck himself. Claims he’s being attacked by gays. Wants an apology from them because they dared to insist on being treated as the equals of heterosexuals. Jesus facepalms.
11. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Remember how, earlier this week, I told you about a bunch of Drumpf-bots who interpreted a bunch of chickenshit Nazis getting their asses whupped as a sign of “victory” for the Nazis in a “race war” that’s not actually happening, simply because those brave, brave Free Speech Warriors™ brought knives and stabbed the antifascists who drove them out of Sacramento? Well, here’s another of those disociados. There will be more, and they will all suffer the same ignominious fate, so let’s all point and laugh, shall we?
12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He spoke in front of a huge pile of garbage. For once, he was truly in his element. Now, for the real question: Does anyone have a match??? PS: And yes, he really is trash. PPS: And his math skills are garbage, too.
13. William Fucking Strong. When in New Mexico, don’t be dissing the Mexicans, “legal” or otherwise. Or the women. Or the indigenous folks. Or…well, anyone. Anywhere. EVER. In short: Stop being such a spoiled whiny-ass dick and learn to get along with others, you bumptious old fart.
14. Samuel Fucking Alito. He wants theocratic pharmacy owners to have more control over women’s bodies than women themselves do? Good thing he’s outnumbered by smarter heads on the SCOTUS. Just a pity he and #8 are still on it. Time they both retired…or God steps in to remove them, I don’t really care which.
15. Dan Fucking Hannan. Denial ain’t no river in England, Cleo. When there’s a 57% uptick in xenophobic and racist incidents since your referendum, it’s time to own your shit.
16. Rick Fucking Tyler. Hey! Remember this guy? Last week he got boycotted because he put up a Drumpf-supporting billboard reading “Make America White Again”. This week, he’s all butthurt about the boycott. Someone please remind him that freedom of speech means freedom of others to criticize your speech, and also to ostracize YOU, because he has yet to get the message. Now get your stupid ass off that cross. You’re no martyr, and we need the lumber and the hardware for better things.
17. Tomi Fucking Lahren. In case you haven’t noticed, the BET awards are not the Oscars. She hasn’t noticed. Must be all that hair bleach, slowly eating its way down through her obsessively touched-up roots to her brain. PS: Where is this “free pass” that non-white people supposedly get? I’ve never seen one flash it. Have you?
18. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Dude, when have you (or any other white man) ever been criminally profiled just for being white? Sit down. And shut up.
19. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Does someone have daddy issues? I think someone has daddy issues. Girl, stop projecting them onto others. It’s embarrassing and undignified…not to mention way, way WRONG. Just admit that YOU are the one who wants to be “daddied”, and have done with it, already.
20. Jeff Fucking Guice. Uh, jackass? If that woman had enough money that she earned, would she be turning to YOU for help with her diabetic daughter’s medical needs? You weren’t just elected so you could sit around doing nothing but suck on the public tit, you know. Get off your ass and HELP her. And if you can’t do that — RESIGN.
21. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Well, one can’t accuse Der Drumpf of not getting his money’s worth out of HER. That much hardcore stoooooopid is priceless!
22. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. All this time, I’ve been wondering how to scare him and his odious followers off, since he’s a rapey, basement-dwelling fungal creep whom no woman could desire. Turns out that simply loathing Der Drumpf will do it! Ladies, now you too can get the gross dudes off your butt…by simply being your intelligent selves and making it known that you can’t stand Drumpf! Dooooo eeeeeeeeet!
23. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Anyone who proposes waterboarding as a solution in ANY context should be automatically subjected to it themselves, so they get firsthand knowledge of why that’s a bad idea. Case in point: Der Drumpf’s latest stupid surrogate.
24. Stacey Fucking Dash. My oh my, what have we here? Another right-wing hypocrite who spends all her time bashing other women while collecting money for doing nothing!
25. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. What better way to commemorate the one-month anniversary of the Orlando massacre…than to table a bill allowing even MORE discrimination against LGBT+ people on the basis of “deeply held religious convictions”? Well, I can think of a few…and they all involve voting out punks like this one.
26. Peter Fucking Hargreaves. How are you enjoying your pyrrhic victory, sir? First a multimillion-pound donation to the Leave campaign…and then 400 million MORE down the drain as a direct result of Brexit? I only regret that it didn’t leave you stone broke. Millions of innocent people who didn’t have that much have lost far more, and will continue to do so long after your fucking shares have recovered. But hey! At least your name is mud from here on in.
27. Steve Fucking Deace. The only argument you have is that hoary old comparison of women’s clinics to concentration camps, even though it’s well known that the Nazis were against abortion. If you can’t do better than that, you DESERVE to go on losing as you have over the years.
28. Mat Fucking Staver. What’s wrong with LGBT people and their Christian friends having “love fests”? If you’re not into love — don’t have any! And shut the fuck up about it.
29. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Der Drumpf, a champion of women and LGBT people, when all he’s ever done is heap scorn and contempt on both? Oy. I’m with Betty Bowers on this one: There’s nothing wrong with her identifying as a woman, but dammit to hell, why can’t she identify as a SMART one?
30. Aaron Fucking Persky. Yeah, surprise: The same judge who awarded Brock Turner little more than a slap on the wrist for raping a woman behind a dumpster…gave a Latino man six times the sentence for the exact same crime! I’m sure that color and ethnicity had no bearing on that decision…AT ALL. PS: Don’t forget to sign the petition, if you haven’t already!
31. Boris Fucking Johnson. And here’s another architect of Wrexit. The British equivalent of the late Rob Fucking Ford, bless his crack-smokin’, bumblefuck, bumbaclot ass. Well, at least this one wasn’t so stupid that he couldn’t read the writing on the wall. He won’t be running for PM. But since the damage is already done, he doesn’t have to. PS: Ha, ha!
32. Theodore Fucking Beale. Just when you thought the drivelling dreck-writer otherwise known as Vox Day couldn’t get any uglier, he goes and does. Now with EXTRA racism!
33. Deepak Fucking Chopra. Canada Post just keeps getting more expensive and less convenient. That was partly his doing. What’s ENTIRELY his doing? The fact that our posties are now faced with a lockout. Is that any way to treat the people who won maternity leave for women all over Canada? Fucking Harper-leftover wanker should be fired.
34. Sarah Fucking Palin. Have I listed her yet for this week? No? Well, now I have. This might be her most wankiest wank yet.
35. Jason Fucking Alexander. So, who says crime doesn’t pay? He would have gotten 7 years for possession of videos of child sexual abuse, but instead, it’s 10 years’ “probation”. I wonder if he got it because his dad howled about all the rib-eye steaks he’d no longer be cooking, or if his mom complained that she couldn’t even decorate the house anymore.
36. Pat Fucking McCrory. Whole world boycotting your shitty state because you’re the hateful-laws capital of the US of Amnesia? Apply for disaster relief! (And good luck getting it.)
37. Jennifer Fucking Mayers. I’m not sure what part of her racist defence of murder qualifies as “positivity through Christ”, so I’m just gonna put her down as “idiots gonna idiot” instead.
38. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I don’t really care what he’s predicting; I just know it’s gonna be wrong. How can I predict that? Simple: By studying his pattern of prior wrongness.
39. Pam Fucking Bondi. Florida’s Attorney General, taking bribes from Der Drumpf? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you. And by SHOCKED, I mean shit, it’s Florida, where anything shitty that can happen, invariably will. Florida Man’s Law, don’tcha know?
40. Matthew Fucking Jansen. An easily-unhinged Drumpf supporter, packing a Glock to a Gooper rally against the rally’s rules? This can only end well.
And finally, to the as-yet-unnamed motherfucker who violated both Chanty Binx’s privacy AND the security system of the LCBO store where he was working when Binx stopped in to buy a bottle, as normal Canadians are wont to do on occasion. He posted security photos of her to the Internet, thus outing himself as a rabid menzer (and judging by his tattoos, as a rabid neofascist/white supremacist, too.) Karma’s a bitch, motherfucker, and when She bites, She’s gonna bite you HARD. Just sayin’.
Good night, and get fucked!
