Wankers of the Week: Blame it on Rio

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the Wankolympiad. Blame the summer, blame the heat, blame it on Rio (and that fart-smelly green diving pool), blame whatever, but the silly season is now upon us. And yes, it’s replete with wankers. And this week they are, in no particular order…

1. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Yes, folks, she made the cut again this week…and this time, for something naughty she did a long, long time ago. Namely, being the proud (or not so proud, by the looks of it) owner of a green card, onaccounta she was married…to someone other than Der Drumpf Himself. Yes, that’s right, he is apparently the Other Man! And since we have no record of what happened to her previous husband, it looks like the trophy wife…is in fact a trophy BIGAMIST. Either that, or she’s a very stealthy trophy divorcée. How ‘bout them apples?

2. Mitch Fucking McConnell. So, let me see if I got this straight: Bitchy Mitchy says the proudest moment of his career…is telling the POTUS he’s not going to do his damn job? Priorities: he no haz them.

3. Sean Fucking Hannity. The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Baby Jesus? Here, show me on the dolly where the bad man hurt you. Ha, ha.

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4. Marco Fucking Rubio. No abortions for pregnant women infected with Zika? Well, then. There are going to be an awful lot of babies born with microcephaly, thanks to this one fucking pinhead. Who, BTW, also opposes abortion for cases of rape and incest. Yes, that’s right: violence, assault and inbreeding are considered acceptable beginnings to “life”, according to him.

5. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Yes, Pharma Bro is back. And this time, without any medical training, he managed to diagnose Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease! You can really see where he got that medical acumen that enabled him to overcharge for meds that ought to be dirt cheap, eh?

6. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Shorter: Who cares if #1 is an illegal immigrant after all? She’s white! They’re different! They’re BETTER!

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7. Michael Fucking Morell. Kill the Russkies! Kill the Iranians! Support the Syrian terror militias! KILL KILL KILL KILL! Gosh, aren’t you glad he’s backing Hillary Clinton, and not that orange buffoon?

8. George Fucking Baker. No, of course the N-word isn’t a profanity. It’s a racist slur! That makes it all okay, okay? No. NOT okay. Town council members owe it to ALL members of their town to serve them without bias or prejudice, you fucking paleozoic nimnul!

9. Martin Fucking Betancourt. Why?

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There’s been a lot of sexism in this current Olympiad, but mansplaining cycling to a world-class cyclist who had a nasty wipeout on a dangerous turn? Yeah. That takes the gold biscuit.

10. Louis Fucking Brouillard. How many times does it have to be said? NO, victims of priestly sexual molestation do NOT enjoy what’s being done to them. And NO, you are NOT “paying for it” by saying a few Hail Marys and finally being challenged in court over it. You got away with it for seven whole fucking decades, after all.

11. Leon Fucking Archer. So, gay couples shouldn’t get married because Jesus, but sending nude selfies to a much younger woman somehow doesn’t fail the religious test? Pretty sure Jesus doesn’t approve of sexual harassment, Yeronner.

12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He’s losing big-time, so what’s his new winning strategy? Yeah…stochastic terrorism. Which went over exactly as you’d expect with the Secret Service. This electoral shitshow just keeps on getting shittier. PS: And BOOM. Patti Davis nails his shrivelled old gonads to the wall. Good on her! PPS: Hey asshole, everybody “gets sarcasm” just fine. But it seems that you don’t get the whole concept of watching your damn mouth, and that’s not good…in business OR in politics.

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13. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Nice try at spinning your boss there, dumbass. But the NRA has NO power to stop the appointment of any SCOTUS justices, guns or no guns. And if they tried, they’d become a terrorist organization in a heartbeat. PS: And nice try at spinning the Confederacy’s slavery, too. You do realize it was their whole and sole reason for seceding, do you not?

14. Katrina Fucking Pierson. And once more, with feeling: No, stupid, that’s not how it goes. Would you like to try again?

15. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Don’t everyone start applauding him yet for telling Der Drumpf to drop out of the race. He also thinks that opinions from the other side of the political panel don’t count for anything, which makes him not much better than you-know-who.

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16. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Wow, girl. You are the whitest damn piece of shit I ever saw. How did you get that way? By bleaching in the hot sun? That would, no doubt, explain your fried brain…

17. Jenna Fucking Bush. Yeah, that flagbearer guy from Tonga was hot. And Dubya’s daughter was thirsty. But can you imagine what people would say if it were Malia Obama doing that?

18. Debbie Fucking Wasserman Fucking Schultz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how much chutzpah it takes to (a) rig the Democratic primaries in favor of your girl Clinton, and (b) turn around and blame the Sanders camp for calling a spade a fucking shovel, already. Oh, and (c) claim the primary was “neutral”, too!

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19. Bob Fucking Beckel. Ahem: If you don’t like it when your political rivals say it about your girl, DON’T FUCKING SAY IT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. What part of “don’t call for an assassination” is so hard for you Murican idiots to understand?

20. Larry Fucking Long. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat their friends…and damn! Giving a black friend a KKK hooded sheet, as a “joke”? That black guy is not gonna be your friend for much longer.

21. Earl Fucking Phillip. Does the Drumpf campaign ever vet anyone who works for it? Apparently not, because here’s one of their “Second Amendment folks” — a screaming gun nut who threatens people on his own team. Brilliant choice, Donnie!

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22. Mathieu Fucking Chantelois. Oh surprise! The corporatist who headed Pride TO is out…no, not of the closet, but of that job. And back to working for his original corporate overlords, whose ass he was only too happy to kiss while in office. And guess why he’s out. No, really. Guess! If you guessed racism, sexism, transphobia, nepotism, lying, and/or general assholery, pat yourself on the back. Only a pity he couldn’t have left BEFORE the whole kerfuffle with Black Lives Matter, eh?

23. Jason Fucking Lewis. He’s unelectable, a racist, a sexist and an LGBT-phobe, and even his own party hates him. So how’d he get nominated? I don’t know, but I’m forced to conclude that if there’s an R after your name, you’re deficient in the brain. Nothing else CAN explain it.

24. Ryan Fucking Lewis. No relation to the previous wanker, unless you’re talking political soulmates. This big macho, who thinks Florida Man needs some competition from California Man in the Dipshit Olympics, decided that the kewl thing to do would be to cut off a cyclist on the road, and then start raging at him with homophobic slurs and Drumpfian threats. And give all California surfers a boneheaded bad reputation in the process.

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25. Byron Fucking MacDonald. Who the hell says that a 14-year-old swimmer “died like a pig”? Oh, just a 66-year-old former swimmer who apparently forgot what it was like to be so young and to have such a good start, only to end up losing a race. And an insensitive male white chauvinist PIG. I heard him say that as it was happening, and couldn’t believe my ears. And just when I thought CBC was doing so much better with its Olympic coverage than all those OTHER sexist media

26. Patrick Fucking Butler. Oh joy, another judge who’d rather spare an entitled, white, college-boy rapist for idiotic reasons. Even though both the victim and the prosecutor were asking him to treat this one as mercifully as he treated her (i.e., not at all). Justice? What a joke. What a dirty, DIRTY joke.

27. Sarah Jessica Fucking Parker. Not a feminist because you believe in “equality”? Well, guess what, honey: You might as well have said you believe in the Tooth Fairy, because this “equality” you believe in doesn’t exist, and without feminism (and all of society being on board with it), it never will. But hey! On the bright side, we shouldn’t be hearing any more menzers squawking about how the atrociously sexist Sex and the City was a “feminist” show. A glorified designer shoe ad is all it ever was.

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28. Mike Fucking Pence. Why are kids learning sex-ed in schools? So they won’t grow up to be far-right dumbasses like Mike, who believes that condoms are too modern and don’t work. Now where did he learn that? Bog only knows. Clearly not from a proper textbook written by anyone with a working set of grey matter. And just think, people…this is Der Drumpf’s running mate. If you’re not scared yet, you damn well ought to be, because this kind of “education” leads straight to raging STD epidemics and teen pregnancies galore.

29. Philip Fucking Davies. Meanwhile, across the pond, some wanker is on about men’s rights, again. How do we know he’s a wanker? Because who else talks like that…or wears a haircut that looks like Hitler had a run-in with a weed-whacker? And on that note: Phil, old son, you’ll never impress the ladies looking like that. Or TALKING like a fucking bellend, either.

30. Phil Fucking Robertson. OH NOES EVIL SECULARISM! Uh, bozo, the Founding Fathers themselves are behind it. If you don’t like democracy and would rather live in a theocratic dictatorship, don’t bother voting OR running…just go live in Saudi Arabia. And take Pat Fucking Buchanan with you, while you’re at it.

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And finally, to Nico Fucking Hines. Forget journalistic ethics. When you’re looking for a lurid story on horny Olympians lookin’ for (temporary) love and whatnot, the best way to do it is to make a profile on a gay dating app (when you’re married, with children, and NOT gay yourself), pretend to be looking for dates…and then post revealing details of the athletes you trolled on the Daily Beast. Whose editors also deserve a dressing-down for not killing this skanky piece, or at least editing it before it ran to protect the closeted (who, some of them, come from countries where being gay is punishable by law, or even death). The after-the-fact hasty edit (and cheap apology) they did is not good enough. The article is now down, but the damage is done. Shame on all of them.

Good night, and get fucked!

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