Crappy weekend, everyone! And a big bottle of eye-bleach to everyone who’s had the pleasure of viewing Der Drumpf in the buff, even if only as a chunk of butt-ugly statuary. You people have my most sincere sympathies. These people, in no particular order, get none of that:
1. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. In a last desperate effort to make everyone forget that he actually lives in his mom’s basement, the Troll-King of Neomasculinity (same as the paleomasculinity, only rapier and stinkier) has not only grown a thicker, more grizzled beard; he’s also borrowed Paul Fucking Elam’s buggy eyes and is spouting wild conspiracy theories à la Alex Fucking Jones. At this rate, relevancy will not only continue to elude him, it will vanish down a black hole somewhere in outer space rather than get within striking distance of him.
2. Bryan Fucking Fischer. And speaking of desperate bids for an ever-retreating relevancy: How about him? Women are showing so much leadership ability lately that now he wants to ban it from everywhere. Good fuckin’ luck with that, ol’ son.
3. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Why?
That’s why. The chutzpah is off the friggin’ charts, people!
4. Theodore Fucking Beale. Black people are more radioactive than the A-bomb? Whaaat? Oh yeah, it’s “Vox Day”. Who never met an idiotic racist ‘winger trope he couldn’t take to the point of utter absurdity. And look like a squishy piece of bleached dog diarrhea while doing so.
5. Marcos Fucking Clay. He hates black people, but he has the hots for a female goalie who happens to be one? Oh yeah, and he’s MARRIED to one, too? Yeah, I bet his marriage is gonna go just swimmingly from now on. And I’m sure his “explanation” of racism (figment of your imagination, all in your head, blah blah) is gonna wash just great, too.
6. Josh Fucking Bowmar. Your survival does not hinge on torturing bears to death with an ineptly handled spear. Fuck off with that idiotic argument and just admit you’re a fucking sadist. And stay the fuck out of Canada, too. We don’t want your kind up here! PS: Ha, ha. Looks good on both of you.
7. Carol Fucking Everett. Who hands millions of taxpayer dollars to science-deficient whackjobs with a religious agenda for keeping women down with the power of lies? Texas, where everything’s big…including the waste and the idiocy it promotes. Just think of how much accurate, comprehensive sex education that money COULD have funded.
8. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. He’s gone from exploiting 9-11 to his own ends…to denying it ever existed. Kind of like Nazis and the Holocaust, no?
9. Simon Fucking Lokodo. No, trust me, gay guys don’t want your bigoted ass. But I bet you want theirs, don’t you?
10. David Fucking Leyonhjelm. Angry white man is angry over being accurately labelled as such. So angry, in fact, that now he wants to sue. For supposed discrimination, based on the fact that he’s white. Also angry. And did we mention he’s a man?
11. Eric Fucking Abetz. And, germane to #10, here’s another angry white man from Down Under who doesn’t understand the importance of accurate description and fair comment. It’s a LABEL, not a LIBEL, you fucking moron.
12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He wants “extreme vetting” for immigrants? I have a better idea. How about extreme vetting for politicians?
13. Jonathan Fucking Papelbon. Who the hell is this guy? Whoever he is, he has terrible taste in music…and politics.
14. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Pink is not your color, and braids are not your style. For that matter, humanity is not your race. And what the hell are you doing back on the tweeter? Report this idiotess, folks. She’s a racist hatemonger.
15. Omarosa Fucking Manigault. No, Der Drumpf won’t win. And nobody will bow down to him, regardless. A country that prides itself on its freedoms is understandably reluctant to let THAT happen. Especially its black citizens, who have done more than their share of bowing to white masters anyway.
16. Al Fucking Baldasaro. You certainly have a strange idea of what constitutes freedom of speech. And a touchingly naive faith in your fellow ‘Muricans and their reluctance to commit terrorism based on the stupid shit that flies from your carelessly flapping lips, fella.
17. Darrell Fucking Scott. No, black people aren’t too dumb to understand satire, sarcasm, or parody. You seem to forget how much of all three they’ve had to master in order to cope with the shit of white racists like Der Drumpf…and his idiot followers, who DO take his every utterance deadly seriously.
19. Jayme Fucking Liardi. How fitting is it that Der Drumpf’s “youth leader” is a straight-up Nazi-symp who is also paranoid about fluoride in the water, and other “internationalist” things that, no doubt, sap and impurify his precious bodily fluids?
20. Danny Fucking Healy-Rae. Everybody sing! Oh Danny Boy, your book’s a piece of ga-ar-bage. Science it’s not, nor even history. Noah’s Ark is just a childish fa-a-ble. And that you’re daft, is not a mystery. So just shut up about gay men and marriage, and keep your fingers out of women’s wombs. Don’t talk of facts, when all you know is ga-ar-bage, because your dumbth leads people to their dooms.
21. Ryan Fucking Lochte. And the Flaming Trunks Award goes to…NOT MICHAEL PHELPS. Yes, that’s right, the biggest d-bag in the pool is now a world-class LIAR. Little wonder he fucked off early out of Brazil. And probably won’t be showing his pretty little idiot face at the closing ceremonies, either, because he’s likely to get arrested. But hey! Great lesson for all the other privileged, full-of-themselves gringos down there right now…on how NOT to comport themselves in South America.
22. Adam Fucking Dart. How’s it feel to have your name all over the internet as a racist xenophobic cheapskate who will use any lame excuse to avoid tipping? Asshole.
23. Daniel Fucking Rowe. How’s it feel to have YOUR name all over the internet as a racist Drumpfite asshole who’s too stupid to keep his racist criminal intentions to himself? Dumbass.
24. Michael Fucking Henson. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without an actual wanking wanker, here’s a guy who tried to hump a van. Rock out with yer cock out, pal.
25. Nathan Fucking Grimes. Oh what the hey. Let’s make it a two-fer with the actual wanking wankers, shall we? This one claims he was mixing a protein shake…in his car…with his penis.
26. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Because actually, it’s all about ethics in white-guy privilege grants. Ha, ha, kidding…everyone knows that white-guy privilege is all about highway robbery. There ARE no ethics to it!
27. Mark Fucking Bertolini. You fucking, fucking greedhead. You had “no choice” but to back out of Obamacare? BULLSHIT! Your backing out WAS a choice. YOUR choice. And you’re about to be punished for it, too. Especially now, as a growing number of US doctors are calling for Big Insurance to be kicked out of the healthcare game, Canadian style.
28. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. You want voters to “show some forgiveness” to your idiot boss? Uh, how about NO?
29. Joseph Fucking Schmitz. Gee, what a shock to learn that yet ANOTHER Drumpfite is a Jew-hating Holocaust denier! Why, it’s almost like there’s a PATTERN or something!
30. John Fucking Inverdale. Why?
Oops! That’s why. Guess two formidable black women who also happen to be sisters and many-times Wimbledon champs aren’t persons to him. Good on Andy Murray for setting the record straight.
And finally, to all the fucking towns that have banned burkinis. You’re not fooling anyone; we all know it has nothing to do with secularism, and everything to do with segregation. Why not just put up signs on your beaches reading “No Muslims”, and just be done with it, already? Why so cowardly? Are you afraid to be called what you really are, namely racist, xenophobic and bigoted? If you hate North African Muslims so much, you really should have thought of that before you barged into their countries and colonized them, no?
Good night, and get fucked!