Wankers of the Week: The Sacrifices of Donald Drumpf


Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a long, strange week it’s been. We found out that Der Drumpf has indeed made sacrifices, although I suspect they’re of the burnt-human-offering type, and don’t involve himself or any of his kids. At least, that’s what I interpret that smell of scorched flesh in my nostrils as being. But hey! It could also have come from all these red asses, in no particular order:

1. Karlie Fucking Hay. Oh look, there’s Der Drumpf’s NEXT trophy wife, already getting plenty of practice…both in wearing rhinestone tiaras AND spouting gratuitous racism as a teen beauty queen. I can just hear his Viagra-assisted boner rising from here. Ugh!

2. Roger Fucking Stone. Meanwhile, one of the Bush Crime Family’s old dirty crapaganda tricksters has cropped up again…this time in the service of Der Drumpf, smearing the father of a fallen Muslim soldier as a member of the Muslim Brotherhood. And doing it with the help of those always-reliable and oh-so-believable apostates, the Shoebats. Lovely!

3. Robbie Fucking Picard. What better way to drum up support for our never-popular TAR sands than by relying on “lesbian” pornography (aimed at dumb young straight dudes)…and claiming it somehow promotes “equality”? Dude, I’m pretty sure that actual gay ladies have no use for any of this shit. Fuck off with that, and take your buddy Ezra LePutz with you.


4. Sonia Fucking Kruger, AGAIN. Looks like she’s not just blatantly racist, but LGBTphobic, too. And full of “reverse” logic. Remind me again why she’s a public figure, Down Under? Because at this point, I’d sooner hear the opinions of a talking kangaroo.

5. Tim Fucking Kaine. Remind me again why you picked him for your running mate, Hillary? Is this that “compromise” you talked about earlier this year? Because it seems that he’s decided to vote with his church and not women (including yourself) when it comes to funding for a rather basic medical procedure!

6. Michael Fucking Weiner. You’re gonna leave if the next president has a D after their name? Oooooo…is that a promise, Mikey? Because if it is…YOU CAN’T COME TO CANADA!!! And I’m pretty sure Iceland doesn’t want your hateful ass, either. And yes, Angela Merkel DOES wear pantsuits! So whatever you do, don’t go to Germany, either! Just stay in your hole.


7. Don Fucking Yelton. Boo fucking hoo, you got caught in your racism, and your systemic discrimination got popped thanks to the Daily Show. And now you’re throwing a barely literate frizzy on Facebook! Who’s lazy and wants the gummint to give them everything, again?

8. Brad Fucking Trost. No, God didn’t put Conservatives on this Earth to “stop taxes everywhere, forever”. God didn’t put you guys on this earth at all. Your mothers did, and they must all be palming their faces at this very moment to see how goddamn fucking stupid their kids turned out.

9. Katrina Fucking Pierson. That’s right, blame Obama…for a Muslim soldier dying in DUBYA’s fucking war of choice. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t already know you were a fucking idiot, but Jeebus. You and your boss actually managed to make Dubya look smart, and that’s no mean feat. PS: And this isn’t exactly helping you, either.


10. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Newsflash: Transgenderism is NOT a fucking “lifestyle choice”. For that matter, neither is being gay (which I’m guessing is what she’s got it confused with here). What IS a fucking lifestyle choice? Choosing to be an uninformed, bigoted, willfully stupid individual. Like, oh, say, Katie Fucking Hopkins.

11. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic you’d have to be to insist, with a straight face, that Der Drumpf “sacrificed two marriages because he’s a job creator”. Uh, what jobs did he create? And more to the point: How the hell does one go from cheating on two wives and marrying two mistresses to being some kind of equivalent to a dead soldier?

12. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. “Change jobs” is not an adequate response to sexual harassment on the job. Unless, of course, you’re telling it to the HARASSER, which this Drumpfite imbecile isn’t.


13. Eric Fucking Drumpf. And once more, with feeling…FUCK YOU, DRUMPFLING!

14. Slavoj Fucking Zizek. I did say he was not a serious socialist, did I not? Well, now we have proof. Transphobe? Don’t even consider asking me to take you seriously, doofus. You are NOT a “distinguished thinker”, you are a twaddling, plagiarizing reactionary. Step away from whatever the hell you think you’re doing there. And please stop vomiting on your keyboard.

15. Paris Fucking Hilton. Relax, sweetie, Daesh doesn’t know who you are, nor do they care. And neither do the rest of us. Back in your shoe closet you go.


16. Pat Fucking Boone. Still alive? WHY???

17. Antonio Fucking Sabato, Jr. No, dopey, you’re not being blacklisted for being a Drumpfite. You’re not being hired because other, younger, more talented actors (who also aren’t complete pieces of shit as actors or people) exist. I mean, just look where you live. It’s Hollywood, and it’s lousy with them!

18. Alex Fucking Jones. No, that crying baby at the Drumpf rally was not a “crisis actor”. It’s a BABY. They can’t act, much less simulate an emergency for first-responder training purposes as actual crisis actors do. They cry when something upsets them, and frankly, Der Drumpf is plenty of reason for any infant to get upset: he’s loud, he’s obnoxious, and he’s ugly as hell. If I were a baby, I’d get colic at the very sight of him, too.


19. Clint Fucking Eastwood. I never liked him, and it’s not hard to see why. The older he gets, the more that inner ugliness and unlikability just leap right out at you. Along with all that racism, sexism and other ugly-old-guy stuff that passes as “political incorrectness”. PS: Ha, ha.

20. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Yes, HER again. And this time, it’s immigration. How DARE an illegal immigrant attack others? Well, I guess it helps to have been a rich man’s mistress and third wife, eh? And he’s a third-generation illegal-American himself, so of course it’s all water under the trollbridge! And anyway, they’re both white and non-Latin, so hey.

21. Sean Fucking Hannity. Awwww, da Baby Jeebus haz a sad! DIDDUMS.


22. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Ladies! Are you single? Then put this on your dating profiles: NO NAZIS. Srsly. Because they’re out recruiting, and they’re also looking for “love” (note the quotes, there for a reason). Here’s hoping they all die childless and alone.

23. Ben Fucking Carson. The Khan family should apologize to Drumpf? For what…helping him make himself look bad? Uh, how about NO?

24. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yes, he actually went there…he bragged about killing Trayvon Martin. And got himself punched out for it. This should happen more often!


25. William Fucking Cox. Your “boys”, you call it, when fellow racist cops get shot? And that’s your excuse for getting drunk and shooting up a church? You have to start thinking up better excuses, deppity.

26. Lawrence Fucking Littman. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a Florida Man, how about this one? And he’s got a trifecta going, too: he’s a Drumpfite, and he beat up his wife for planning to vote Democratic.

27. Anthony Fucking Silva. Riddle me this: Why would the oh-so-homophobically religious mayor of a California city be recording drunk teenagers playing strip poker with him, in his own bedroom, at a summer camp? If you said “because he’s a wanker and a pervert”, you just won the hand.


28. Bill Fucking Leak. Drunken fathers are the reason Aboriginal Australian kids end up in youth detention centres? No, dopey. That would be the racist Australian legal system…which, incidentally, also drives all those Aboriginal fathers to drink! But of course, as a white beneficiary of said system, this schlop-cartoonist couldn’t be expected to understand that!

29. Carl Fucking Paladino. “No doubt” that Obama is a Muslim? Uh, actually, there’s plenty of doubt that he is one, and none whatsoever that he isn’t! And there’s also no doubt that this wanker is…well, see for yourself. I feel sorry for the good people of Buffalo, let’s just put it that way.

30. Dimitri Fucking Soudas. Nice master’s thesis (on how to manipulate the media!) you got there. A pity that all the googling in the world isn’t going to get your party a sympathetic audience anymore…because online organizing helped bring down you and your boss, Harpo!


And finally, to all the not-so-silent, not-so-majority idiots who actually turn out for Der Drumpf’s increasingly farcical rallies. Between your foul language (no, NOT “politically incorrect”, just plain incorrect— and FOUL) and your ready excuse-making for white illegal immigrants, you people need to shut up and take a hard look at your own hypocrisy. Because you and your idiot candidate are the reason your party’s gonna lose, and lose BIG TIME, in November.

Good night, and get fucked!

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