Wankers of the Week: A basket of deplorables

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about a handbasket full of people who really should go to hell? Yes, it’s Der Drumpf and all his ilk, some of whom are actually proud to be called deplorable and even wear shirts proclaiming it. Probably because it’s altogether too kind and generous a term for anyone idiotic enough to support that piece of shit. And because their hooded sheets are all in the wash. And what’s in the basket this week? The following, in no particular order…

1 and 2. Dick and Liz Cheney. The most disgusting father-daughter combo since Der Drumpf and his incestuous desires has squawked up again, and as usual, nothing good came out. And right on time for 9-11, too! Remind us again, Biggus Dickus: Under WHOSE watch did 9-11 happen, again? Oh yeah…Dubya’s. And YOURS.

3. Allen Fucking Joyner. If you ever wonder why I think churches and states should all be permanently separated, here you go. One stinking theocrat who thinks Jesus would shoot people for failing to stand for a national anthem.

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4. Emirjeta Fucking Xhelili. Ass sphincter with a suspiciously foreign-sounding name says WHAT? Get out of WHERE? It’s the ark of WHAT? Oh, that’s real cute, sweetie. Maybe it’s time belligerent assholes of YOUR religion just got booted off to a desert island someplace, eh?

5. Toby Fucking Willis. No, this one’s not a Duggar, but you’d be forgiven for thinking he was. Christ, what is it with Quiverfull perverts whose kids’ names all start with J?

6. Sean Fucking Lennon. Man mansplains mansplaining, yet again. Savor the irony of this one, folks, we have now reached peak hipster.

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7. John Fucking Howard. No, of COURSE people who oppose same-sex marriage aren’t all homophobes. Some of them are closet cases who pay rentboys for BJs or butt-sex. Some of them are pedophiles looking for cover. And some of them are just plain old garden-variety equality-hating ASSHOLES. So, tell me, John…which are you?

8. Dave Fucking Hon, AGAIN. Oh dears. Little Davey-wavey is only 25, and already his love life is over because he’s so threatened by women who look out for themselves and each other, rather than just deferring to him (and men in general) like a good Little Woman is supposed to. Whatever shall he do for an encore? Double down on the dumbth, say you were “misunderstood”, and claim that all the derisive laughter just “proves” you were somehow right. What else? PS: Ha, ha.

9. Richard Fucking Campbell. Oh, you big macho, punching out a little old lady hooked up to an oxygen tank. Der Drumpf must be so proud of you!

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10. Mike Fucking Pence. Does anyone really want David Fucking Duke thanking them for not disavowing him and all his racism and fascism? REALLY?

11. Doug Fucking Ford. Oh yay, here comes Ford Nation, The Book…straight to a remainder bin near you! What do you bet that Dougie’s boyhood adventures in drug-dealing, like Robbo’s adult ones in drug-smoking, will barely get a footnote in there, if they’re mentioned at all?

12. Kate Fucking Bryan. No, dear, chastity is NOT the key to the feminist dream. I mean, bully for you if you’re accomplishing other things on the side, but being sexless is, in and of itself, NO achievement. After all, you’re not actually DOING anything there, are you?

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13. Nolan Fucking West. Minnesota wasn’t in the Confederacy, you fucking dunce. And if you didn’t believe in that racist shit, why post it to your Facebook page? Resign, and go back to the obscurity from whence you came!

14. Paul Fucking Hewson. Oh joy, Bono has squeaked up again. And this time he’s urging Canada to do more in terms of foreign aid. Which reminds me: Doesn’t this guy have an awful lot of corporate income taxes owing in his native Ireland, which he banked overseas in order to evade? Why yes, he does! And as it happens, Ireland is hurting. Which reminds me of something else: Charity begins at home, douchebag.

15. Richard Fucking Keenan. Oh look! Here’s another one of those come-to-Jeebus family-values types who seems to think that the Christian thing to do is rape small children…and then blame them and call them “willing participants”. WWJD, again?

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16. Steve Fucking King. A nuclear meltdown about nuclear families? Yup, he went there. And he threw in a dollop of dumbth about climate change, too!

17. Scott Fucking Walker. Lead paint is now safe again, thanks to industry contributions to Simple Scotty’s campaign war chest? I’d ask if he’s been breakfasting on paint chips himself, but I suspect at this point that the question would be rhetorical.

18. Pauline Fucking Hanson. Meanwhile, Down Under’s own version of Der Drumpf has given a speech. It was just about as nauseous as you might expect. May she be kicked into the sea by kangaroos.

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19. Andy Fucking Dean. How to deal with the Flint water crisis? Build a wall! Seriously, it’s the only idea the Drumpfites have, and it’s their one-size-fits-all solution to everything. I somehow doubt that walling off the Flint River will do anything to detoxify it, though.

20. Brad Fucking Trost. Same-sex marriage has been legal in Canada for over 10 years. Yet he still thinks it’s a hot-button issue that will get him elected not only head of the Cons, but to the PMO? And that he’ll have the power to reverse no less than a Supreme Court decision? He really is a special kind of stupid, isn’t he.

21. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Whatsamatter, sweetie…does the truth hurt? Is your dad’s misogyny a little too close to home? Well, there IS something you can do about that, but walking out on interviews isn’t exactly it. PS: Also, UGH. Although it might well explain a lot. Maybe even too much. PPS: Aaaand then THIS happened. Yeah, she really handles pressure well!

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22. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Like sister, like brother. Der Kleine Drumpf walks out of interviews when they get too rough for his tender widdle hide. And just think, this bunch of wimps wants to squat in the White House…

23. Bob Fucking Chiarelli. Why am I only finding out my provincial energy minister’s name now? Oh yeah…because now is the very moment he’s chosen to stick his head out of his tortoise shell and lecture us about energy consumption. As though we hadn’t been conserving our energy in vain for years just so our lovely provincial Liberals could not only sell the excess cheaper to the States (!), but to also keep hiking OUR rates to subsidize THEIR blunder (!!), and then have the gall to turn around and plan to privatize it all so that it becomes even MORE expensive (!!!), AND lecture us about how wasteful we are. I guess we owe him something, though, so here goes: Fuck you, sir. Fuck you VERY much.

24. Joseph Fucking Michael Fucking Schreiber. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine it is to think that (a) Omar Mateen’s former mosque had anything to do with his terrorism, and (b) that two wrongs can ever make a right.

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25. Tamara Fucking Barringer. First she was for the disastrous North Carolina bathroom bill. Now she’s against it. Probably because she saw how fast it could drive her popularity ratings down. Not, I hasten to add, that her sudden flip-flop will help matters any…

26. Marjorie Fucking Dannenfelser. Earth to Marge, come in Marge…now hear this: There is NOTHING feminist, much less pro-life, about believing it’s better for women to die in childbirth than to have an abortion save their lives! But it just so figures that Der Drumpf would tap this one as an “advisor”, innit?

27. Jennifer Fucking Elizabeth Fucking Green-Johnson. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how incompetent and awful a teacher needs to be in order to say the things this one has said to her students. Schoolyard bullies are bad enough when they’re kids, but when they’re teachers? Ugh.

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28. Pat Fucking Boone. Thanksgiving and Halloween haven’t even happened yet, and the kids are barely back at school, but already he’s on about some nonexistent “War on Christmas”. Hey, Jesus? I’ll trade you this one for Prince and David Bowie back. It’s long past his time anyway. Whaddya say?

29. Alex Fucking Jones. You wanna know “how screwed up this country really is”? Well, the answer is PLENTY. It produced this clown, after all.

30. John Fucking Boehner. Yay, Boner! You’re back! And you’re a dicector for Big Tobacco? Why does that just so FIGURE???

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And finally, to Der Drumpf himself. Yes, the Head Deplorable outdid himself yet again this week, what with his lies about his health (and his own FAT ASS), his gross talk on the Dr. Oz show (which was, inexplicably, edited out), and just his general gross-ass GROSSNESS. I would write more on the subject, as there’s plenty to be said, but I’m already under the weather, and I’d rather not dwell on anything that might make me even sicker. So I’ll just close on my usual note, and hope you all understand…

Good night, and get fucked!

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