Wankers of the Week: A bowl of Shittles

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy fall to one and all, unless you’re in the Southern Hemisphere, in which case, crappy spring! Whatever season you’re in, though, one thing is universal: WANKERS. And this week they are, in no particular order:

1. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. Yes, everyone, Little Snakes is back! And this time, she’s comparing the Boycott, Divest and Sanction movement to terrorism. Only these “terrorists” aren’t bombing any shelters, aren’t shooting anyone, aren’t maiming or killing anyone, and aren’t leaving anyone’s kids traumatized by the murder of their buddies. Unlike, say, the IDF, the self-styled Most Moral Army In The World™, which has been terrorizing Palestinians since 1948.

2. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Shorter: All women should be denied the right to vote…except women just like me, me, MEEEEE! Actually, if anyone should be denied the right to vote, it’s she, she, SHE…because she wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with it anyway, other than to pick the dumbest of the dumb. She can’t even remember Grade 9 history, where we learned that limiting the female vote to conservative “patriots” led to a huge backlash in the post-WWI years, and a complete shut-out of the Cons from power in Québec for more than 50 of them.

3. Mike Fucking McCoy. Why?

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That’s why. Dude, if you wanted to dress your kid up as a truly intellectually deficient person, you could have just lent him anything from your own closet.

4. Dennis Fucking Parsons. No, bozo, you were NOT “misinterpreted”. Suggesting to schoolgirls that they consider prostitution as a career is repugnant — not because of the silly “whore stigma” (which MEN put on the prostituted to begin with), but because johns are weaselly little shits who get off on taking out all their worst urges on the class of women which is specifically set aside for that purpose. Remember Willie Pickton? There’s a reason he went to the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver for his victims, and not to a nicer neighborhood where the ladies only have sex with men they want, unpaid. Oh wait, you’re not from Canada. Well, then…remember Jack the Ripper, who went to Whitechapel for the same thing? Yeah. THAT’s why no one wants to go into prostitution.

5. Brad Fucking Wall. Scratch a Conservative, find an unscientific idiot who denies man-made climate change by refusing to tackle the business end of it. So, what’s new?

6. David Fucking Barton. No, Christians do NOT have any duty to vote for an adulterer, swindler and money-changer-in-the-temple. Much less a “biblical” one. Remember, this is the kind of hypocrite Jesus would have driven out with a cat-o’-nine-tails.

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7. John Fucking Nygaard. Why am I not surprised that a Drumpf supporter is a racist, and in favor of bringing back slavery? It really does feel like the clock rolled back 160 years lately.

8. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Awww. Isn’t the Drumpfling cute? He likes Skittles! And racist, xenophobic memes, too! Well, here’s a rainbow of fruit-candy facts for ya, little guy: What if I told you that in that bowl of white supremacists, any single one of them could kill you if given access to guns and enough hateful crapaganda? Because that’s what YOUR side of the argument is really like. PS: And your pinned tweet is even stupider, since it’s a double-down on the usual Drumpf Dumbth. Here’s some advice, sonnyboy: DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT.

9. Joe Fucking Walsh. He apparently wants to take, uh, credit for that pile of pucky that Der Drumpfling used? He’s welcome to it. Nobody likes him anyway. But if I were him, I’d be very reluctant to repurpose that ol’ Nazi crapaganda. Things like that have a funny way of rebounding on their originators.

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10. Steven Fucking Anderson. When you’re too homophobic even for places where it’s still illegal to be gay, you KNOW you’ve gone too far. Enjoy your deportation, hatemonger.

11. John Fucking Stumpf. When Elizabeth Warren gets her big guns out on you, you KNOW you’ve gone too far. Enjoy your public humiliation, bankster.

12. Pam Fucking Bondi. So, let me see if I got this straight: She was supposed to be investigating Der Drumpf, but then she went out and solicited (and got) a campaign contribution from him? Which she didn’t return, because that would have made it look like she was taking a bribe? So basically, she took a bribe and didn’t return it because that would have looked like she was taking a bribe? And then she didn’t even bother to investigate him, anyoldhow? I dunno. Whatever the hell is going on here, it doesn’t look good.

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13. Clara Fucking Jeffrey. Shitting on younger voters because they’re pro-Bernie (and willing to give third-party candidates a shot, now that the Bern has been burnt), and you’ve decided that you’re Hillary’s girl? Yeah, that’s gonna bite you in the ass, and much sooner than you think. Remember, millennials ARE old enough to vote. And also old enough to pick out their own reading materials. And if your mag’s not among them, that’s on YOU.

14. Rafael Fucking Márquez. Say goodbye to Lord Audi, muchachos…he’s now permanently prohibed from driving. He’ll also need to abstain from alcohol, and get psychological counselling. But mostly, he really needs to stay the fuck off the road.

15. Tim Fucking Tebow. Oh, so there’s a “right way” to protest a racist national anthem? Pray tell me, sir, what would that be? Oh yeah…NOT PROTESTING AT ALL, I bet.

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16. Dean Fucking Saxton. Oh surprise! The guy who tells women they “deserve rape” turns out to be actually violent towards women! What a pity he’s only been suspended from vomiting bile on campus for a year. He should be perma-banned. And jailed, quite frankly.

17. Lutz Fucking Bachmann. How hilariously ironic is it that a man who’s made a career of hating on refugees…has fucked off out of Germany because he couldn’t handle having his Nazi bullshit challenged on a daily basis? And that he’s now a “refugee”…in the Canary Islands? Hooboy, just wait till the locals figure out where he’s living. Gonna be a helluva shitshow…bwahahahaha.

18. Theodore Fucking Beale. Nice try, dude, but no, you’re not a “person of color” when you have a laughably small percentage of non-European genetic material accidentally lodged inside the body of a pasty-arsed idiot who hates anything and anyone who’s not white. And what a pity your irony detector’s busted, because now you’re suddenly a victim of the very people whose favor you thought you could curry. Ha, ha.

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19. Anthony Fucking Weiner. Just when you thought that he and his ever-obnoxious wiener couldn’t possibly get more disgusting, they do. And he’s actually proposing violent statutory rape to a 15-year-old, too.

20. Kathy Fucking Miller. No, of COURSE there was no racism before Obama. Except that there totally was, but there just weren’t any black US presidents before him. Slavery? Jim Crow? The anti-civil-rights bowel movement? Didn’t happen! And of course, anti-black discrimination in the job market didn’t happen, either. And neither did all those cops killing black people just for being black. None of it was real until this one non-white guy occupied the White House. Then, suddenly, all hell broke loose, along with the teabags! I’d tell this fool to learn some history, but what’s the point? She had every opportunity, it was given to her, and she MUFFED it. It’s her own damn fault that she’s an idiot. AND a racist. PS: And BYE! Please feel free to let the door hit you. Ha, ha.

21. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. He thinks he’s hot shit now, and he’s only right about the latter half of that. Wait till he finds out that those Nazis he’s courting really don’t like gay guys. And wait till he learns that gay guys really, REALLY don’t like Nazis, either. And that they all think that his Daddy Drumpf is tacky as hell…yes, even the rare gay guys with zero fashion sense think that. If he thinks he was hard-done-by before he became a professional troll, just wait till his flavor-of-the-month career ends. PS: That clown costume, though, is rather apt. Too bad he’s most like Cloony. PPS: And shame on OUT Magazine, too.

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22. Robert Fucking Maginnis. Witches advise WHOM? Uh, no. I’m a Witch, and Lord and Lady know that I’ve never been called upon as an advisor to ANY politician. Much less in the White House.

23. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Get one thing straight, asshole: My uterus belongs to ME. Not you. Not the white race. ME, and only ME. And the fact that it’s going permanently unoccupied is likewise no concern of yours. Especially since no woman in her right mind would have you anyway.

24. John Fucking Tory. Privatize Toronto Hydro? Has he learned NOTHING from his counterparts at the provincial level? Prepare for a fight, John-boy, because you’re gonna GET one.

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25. Gary Fucking Johnson. Dude. You are NOT an astronomer. And the Sun is nowhere near its giant stage. Man-made global warming is still the real climate change problem we’re dealing with, and you can’t hand-wave that away.

26. Scott Fucking Gilmore. No, the North is not empty, nor is it undefended, and no, it does NOT need to be “developed” to death by crapitalists. What they need to do for the North is pay up to the local natives after profiting so hugely off its natural resources, so that the people up there stop dying of poverty and its allied preventable diseases. Duh.

27. Palmer Fucking Luckey. Welp, good thing I don’t own a VR headset, and probably won’t in the foreseeable future, either. Because some not-so-nimble dork who invented a rather popular one (and cashed out on it) is responsible for financing a website full of unfunny, pro-Drumpf memes, on the pretext that they are “powerful” and “magic” and can win elections for the unelectable and unqualified. And no, that is NOT satire. The little dweeb quite seriously believes it.

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28. Robert Fucking Pittenger. No, the angry protesters do not hate white people. Much less for their allegedly being so all-fired successful (never mind the vast numbers of ‘em living in poverty). But thanks a lot for letting it slip that you hate black people, however cleverly you thought you were disguising it. And maybe you might better try NOT discussing what you euphemistically “failed policies”, for a change. Try to realize that the anger is all about the senseless murder of a black man by racist white cops, you fucking idiot.

29. Mike Fucking Pence. Yes, Der Drumpf’s running mate has finally addressed the matter of institutional racism and racist policing…only to flap his gums to the effect that there’s “too much talk” about it. Really? And I suppose that if we’re silent about it, it will all just naturally go away? Newsflash, Mikey: It’s been tried before. And it doesn’t work.

30. Mike Fucking Ditka. And while we’re on the subject of backward buttholes named Mike, how about this one? He says he doesn’t see all the atrocities that are going on? I say he must be fucking blind. Wilfully blind. He says he has no respect for Colin Kaepernick? Well, I have no respect for HIM. And neither do many others, now. See how well that works out?

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And finally, to Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Never mind that the UN has yet to pass a single sanction against Apartheid Israel, or take any definitive action against it at all. The mere fact that a majority of the world’s countries recognize Palestine is enough to get him running his mouth, calling it a “moral farce”. No, Bibi, you know what’s a moral farce? Your using white phosphorus (which is illegal under international law) against Gaza, killing Turkish kids on a flotilla delivering aid against your immoral blockade, and your sanctioning rabbis who tell the IDF — the so-called “Most Moral Army in the World”, that it’s okay for them to rape Arab women and girls. At the end of the day, you’d have to be pretty morally bereft to consider any of that to be acceptable, and anyone criticizing you to be immoral. Pot, meet kettle, right over there in the mirror.

Good night, and get fucked!

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