Wankers of the Week: Stand up for WHAT?


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Colin Kaepernick? I don’t follow football, being a sports agnostic of sorts, but everywhere I looked, there he was, and there was also some asshole claiming he didn’t have a right to do what he in fact had a perfect right to do. And moreover, he was right, so…suck it, haters. And here’s who else was hateful and sucky this week, in no particular order:

1. Jason Fucking Kenney. Nice photo, Jason. Or should I say, nice photoSHOP? Man, it’s just amazing what you can do with image processing these days…although ginning up actual popularity is still not one of its features!

2. Patrick Fucking Brown. And while we’re on the subject of not-so-popular Cons, how about him? He wants to scrap Ontario’s successful, informative sex-ed program, no doubt for some pandering shit from the Religious Reich. He’ll literally say anything to get a vote. Well, I can say something, too: How about NO? PS: Ha, ha.

3. Anthony Fucking Weiner. Sexting a woman who is not your wife…and photographing your barely-clad boner with your small son right next to you (and it) in your bed? Stay classy! PS: And BAM. Looks like somebody’s not impressed with your mad internet skillz, eh Tone? PPS: And BOOM. See what happens when you sext with your kid in bed? You get child-protective services everywhere!


4. Paul Fucking LePage. And speaking of KKKlassy…well, whaddya know, Paulie’s a straight-up racist! And he’s still trying to tap-dance around his own words. KKKute.

5. Nate Fucking Parker. Meanwhile, on the other side of the color line, we’ve got this guy…who thinks he’s somehow “preserving the black man” by trashing the GAY black man. And black women, too. Hey Nate, do your five daughters know you consider them lesser beings on the sole basis of their gender? And about that rape charge, which doesn’t sound like you were actually in the clear?

6. Bryce Fucking Cuellar. And to think that we’re being conditioned to fear veiled Muslim women, when in fact we should be fearing…THIS GUY. Who is not veiled, and who calls himself a “Christian Warrior”. Maybe, next time you’re planning an assassination, bucko, you might want to NOT advertise the fact in advance, eh?


7. Roseanne Fucking Barr. Suddenly, everyone’s a Nazi…except for, you know, ACTUAL Nazis, who hate Palestinians (and Muslims in general) as much as they do Jews.

8. Pete Fucking Evans. Oh lord, is that inane so-called Paleo Diet STILL in existence? And are there idiots who STILL believe that faux cave-man shit? Yup…and here is one of them, apparently trying to kill a woman with osteoporosis. Because EVOLUTION. And because trendy chefs know medicine better than doctors, don’tcha know?

9. İsmail Fucking Kahraman. Che Guevara, legit guerrilla, overthrower of dictators, and medical doctor, a “murderer”? Well, by that token, your own president’s a MASS murderer, pal, because he’s responsible for a lot more deaths than Che ever was. Young Turks should have the right to wear whatever they want on their t-shirts, and if they don’t, then their — ahem, YOUR — government isn’t democratic. The End.


10. Christian Fucking Hine. No, autism and depression don’t cause a person to turn to kiddie porn for relief. You’re thinking of PEDOPHILIA, you moron.

11. Tomi Fucking Lahren. No, you don’t get to decide whose citizenship is conditional, let alone upon a stupid thing like how one acts during the playing of a national anthem, you fucking racist dumbass. And if anyone’s banging on the US’s door, it’s only for the money. Not because they think it’s really such a great country to live in. Most of them are, after all, the victims of the US’s own impoverishing foreign policy. But you don’t care about that, do you? No, because you’re a fucking racist dumbass who only values her citizenship for the “freedom” it gives you to be one!

12. Thomas Fucking Rodgers, Sr. And speaking of fucking racist dumbassery, here’s an example of how it looks when internalized. Dude, remember that your ancestors were imported from Africa, as commodities, IN CHAINS. They were not even considered human! And taking out “dual citizenship” in Africa when most black Americans don’t even know what part of Africa their ancestors came from (because THEY WERE SLAVES!) is just ludicrous. You’re talking about sending them all back there, AS SLAVES. Do you even listen to yourself?


13. Ben Fucking Roethlisberger. Rape is perfectly kosher, but peacefully sitting to protest a racist anthem? That’s dissing the military! Except, you know, it’s totally not. And military vets are stepping up to say so.

14. Ed Fucking Martin. Well, if Phyllis Fucking Schlafly’s fingerpuppet says it’s not racist to hate Mexicans, I guess that settles it. Except, you know, it totally doesn’t.

15. Neera Fucking Tanden. Bernie Sanders “did damage” to Hillary Clinton’s campaign, by proving to be a viable leftist alternative, and incredibly popular with rank-and-file Dems to boot? Uh, actually, she did that damage herself…by pursuing a Bush Lite type of foreign policy, i.e. kinder, gentler imperialism, the Honduras coup, and stealth warmongering. And funnily, a lot of Dems don’t like that shit.


16. Harold Fucking Bornstein. Der Drumpf’s doctor, sued for malpractice by the families of patients he killed by overprescribing pain meds? Well, gollee! And just how are we supposed to trust this fucker when he tells us Der Drumpf’s health is perfect?

17. Heidi Fucking Russo. So…Colin Kaepernick’s birth mother thinks he “shamed” his adoptive family, just because he protested peacefully? Well, that begs an awfully big question: Why did she not raise him herself, then?

18. Dan Fucking Bacon. And the winner for Dumbest Damn Article of the Week is…THIS GUY! Who doesn’t understand that when a woman is wearing headphones, she’s not “testing” your manly confidence…she’s just not interested in hearing ANYTHING from you. And who also doesn’t understand that when a woman doesn’t want to be talked to, that means BY ANYONE. And now that the entire Internet has been piling onto this dumbass all week, do you suppose he’s heard the message? Loud and clear, one hopes? If not, crank the volume to 11. Anyone dense enough to suggest that women might like being approached when their whole look screams Do NOT Approach is gonna need to get blasted. In stereo.


19. Chris Fucking Brown. File this one under “Does Not Comprehend Irony”, because it’s not a bit ironic that he’s had a run-in with the police yet again. He has a long, unironic history of being shitty to women, to the point of physical violence. And I’m pretty sure that the black queer woman who started Black Lives Matter does not appreciate the irony of him appropriating her slogan/movement to his own cynical asshole ends, either. PS: Fastest dick move EVER.

20. Vladimir Fucking Putin. No, NOT the president of Russia, who strikes me as a generally well-behaved sort. This is another Florida Man we’re talking about. Or should I say, Chelovyek Florida?

21. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. No, rape is not a question of who’s physically stronger; rape is a question of who’s more entitled in the eyes of society. Case in point: My own rape, which was not about me being physically overpowered so much as it was about the dude who did it thinking he had a perfect right to do it…and me realizing that was because I had no rights at all. PS: And no, Legitimate Rape is still not a thing, either, you fucking twatwaffle. And neither is “partial-birth” abortion.


22. Manuel Fucking Valls. Marianne has a bare breast because she is a mythical, symbolic figure who can’t be sexually harassed, because she’s not a real, live, flesh-and-blood woman. Women who wear veils tend to do so because they are not mythical, and can therefore be harassed, molested, even RAPED. It’s embarrassing to have to explain this grade-school stuff to a grown man who is prime minister of France, but there you go. You’re welcome!

23. Brian Fucking Jean. It’s tough to say that Rachel Notley deserves applause for being a good premier, but easy to say you’d beat her, physically, like a drum, if it weren’t illegal? Well, if you get easily beaten (metaphorically, of course) by your opponent in the next provincial election, when your seat in the legislature is up for grabs, you’ll see what’s really tough, eh? PS: Ha, ha.

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Crack your empty skull doing something you probably shouldn’t? Blame it on a woman who will probably be president, which of course you never will. And oh yeah, do so in a rant filled with word soup that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.


25. Steve Fucking Bannon. No, we don’t “hate conservative women” because they’re not well-educated lesbians. We despise them because they’re murderous fucking brainwashed idiots, like #24, #21, and YOU, you fucking white supremacist!

26. Theresa Fucking May. Holy shit, not-so-great-anymore Britain! Are you really sure your Brexit was worth it? Because Nigel Fucking Farage promised that your NHS would have lots more money (Jeremy Fucking Hunt thought that was pretty funny!), and now you’ve got an unelected PM who is determined to break the NHS once and for all…a feat which the last horrid Con-woman in 10 Downing failed to accomplish.

27. Jared Fucking Fogle. Not content merely to blame one of his own victims for what HE DID TO HER, the most infamous kiddie-diddler in the US has now sunk to the point of even suing one of her parents, claiming it’s THEIR fault that she ended up in his pervy buddy’s videos, and then in his own rapey clutches. If somebody in the jailhouse beats the shit out of him again, don’t be surprised. Or sad. As he says of his own victims, he’s practically begging for it.


28. Wayne Fucking Allen Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine his ideas on voting rights are, and also how shitty he is for uttering them. Making a woman’s suffrage conditional on whether she’s receiving free birth control? I have a better idea: How about all the middle-aged and older men on insurance-funded Viagra lose theirs? That should shut this one up in a hurry, as he seems the type to need it.

29. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Junior. Retweeting a neo-Nazi “academic”? Yeah, that’ll burnish your old man’s respectability…all the way into the toilet!

30. Martin Fucking Schulz. Meanwhile, in Germany, isn’t it nice to see a Social Democrat yet again throwing actual democracy under the bus? Before this one even set foot on Turkish soil, he was already praising Sultan Erdogan and his brutal crackdown on dissent. It’s like his party has learned nothing, nothing from the murders of Luxemburg and Liebknecht!


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf, Sr. Yes, Der Drumpf outdid himself yet again this week, what with his flubbed visit to Mexico (which went over like a solid lead enchilada, as you might imagine), to his paranoid conspiracy kookery and his ever-faster flippity-flopping. And just think, we have to sit through another two months of this. Are we having fun yet?

Good night, and get fucked!

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