Crappy weekend, everyone! Holy frijoles, the taco trucks are rollin’. They’re even making good on being Drumpf’s biggest nightmare, as they register voters and feed ‘em delicious Mexican munchies on the side. Meanwhile, it also looks like the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo is in trouble, and that wall might have to be built all across the Midwest, instead of the shorter route along the Rio Bravo. Ha, ha, ha, oops. And here’s who had guacamole all over their cabezas this week:
1. Marco Fucking Gutierrez. Let’s give the pole position to this one, who started the whole “taco trucks” ball rolling, shall we? Turns out he’s a real estate scammer…just like his political boss, only not so famous! Gosh, who fucking knew?
2. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Finally, Yeah-Nope gets called by his right name: IDIOT. The interviewer was remiss, however, in not pointing out that Milo’s hair looks like something a cat might have barfed up. PS: Hey Milo, if you’re scared of big strong women (and it’s so obvious that you are), don’t click here!
3. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. And speaking of trolls with dumb-looking hair, how about her? Under that platinum football helmet lies…well, not a whole lot. And what there is, is obsessed with bizarre paranoias that have no basis in reality, at least here in Canada.
4. Steve Fucking Tennes. Stopping all weddings at your apple orchard just so you don’t risk your “prayerful” sensibilities being offended by the occasional same-sex one? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Well, bend over and kiss yer toes goodbye, and please feel free to cut off your nose to spite your face, also.
5. Ghada Fucking Sadaka. Welcome back to school, kiddies! Hope you don’t mind that your principal turns out to be a rather appalling racist! Especially if you yourself happen to be Muslim, and hate terrorism as much as the next person.
6. Mike Fucking Krawitz. And while we’re on the subject of Islamophobia and racism, how about this guy? His comes with a lovely side order of rancid sexism, Drumpfism, and rape culture, too! PS: Oh, look who’s a quitter. Ha, ha!
7. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Just file this one under “Sexists hire women, too…and also fantasize about ‘dating’ their own daughters”.
8. Timothy Fucking Down. Not calling the police or daring to intervene when your neighbor is being beaten to death within earshot is a crime…but recording the noises instead, and then making lame excuses afterwards? That’s a wank, motherfucker.
9. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Forget screening immigrants for barbarous, anti-Canadian values. Let’s start vetting our right-wing politicians, instead…because there’s a helluva lot there to comb through, including this. PS: There are already polygamists in Canada, and some of them are even here illegally…but since they’re white and supposedly Christian, I guess they don’t count. PPS: Ha, ha! If the shoe fits, WEAR it, Cinderella!
10. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. No, Vilo Yeah-Nope, there’s no such thing as a “virtuous troll”. Trolls are slimy ogre-ish monsters who hide under bridges before being booted out of there by billygoats. Or, in your case, Twitter…and a reporter who’s not afraid to call a spade a fucking shovel, already. And you wanna know what’s really revolting? YOUR HAIR. Srsly, it looks like a skunk that got flattened by a taco truck!
11. Nicole Fucking Eaton. And while we’re on the subject of Twitter trolls, how about her? She’s a spoiled-rotten Con senator with a raging hate-on for cyclists that she didn’t hesitate to tweet about, until several other tweeps took her to task. Now her tweeter’s gone, apparently dead of embarrassment. Ha, ha.
12. Michael Fucking Enright. Look, dude…I don’t care HOW mad you got while jacking off listening to any right-wing hatemonger babbling on the radio. Calling in threats (and sexist accusations) to the provincial NDP over that is a wank that, frankly, ought to put your dumb ass behind bars! (Also, isn’t that kind of at odds with your contention that “everybody knows me as a guy who never gets upset”? Because, dude…now they know you’re NOT that guy.)
14. Jann Fucking Arden. Yup, she was racist again. This is getting to be something of a pattern, eh? Looks like she’s learned how to be insensitive with no help whatsoever from that ex who inspired her most famous song.
15. Anthony Fucking Giuliano. So, rank-and-file gay Catholics should remain celibate…but priests, who are actually REQUIRED to do so as a condition of priesthood, can go right ahead and molest children of the same sex? I’m sensing a pattern here, too — namely that what happens between consenting adults is a mortal sin, but what happens between an adult and an unconsenting child doesn’t count.
16. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Dear right-wing wanks: Stop using that “You’re lucky we don’t such-and-such” bullshit. First of all, whether or not it’s state policy to murder LGBT+ people, the fact is that people who think just like you are doing just that…in the US of A. And some of them are cops. You are, in short, no better than the countries you’re slamming. And your politics are virtually identical!
17. Ethan Fucking Ralph. Isn’t it sad that a known online hatemonger (and Gamergate ringleader) doesn’t manage to get popped by the cops for anything…until, in a drunken fit, he assaults one of them at an airport lounge? Hope they throw the book at you good and hard, Ralphie-baby.
18. Gary Fucking Johnson. If you don’t know what Aleppo is, I ain’t tellin’ ya. But I can tell ya one thing: This flibbertigibbertarian brand of edjumacation isn’t gonna get any votes from the smart folks.
19. Daniel Fucking Green. Oh sure, that woman you raped only cried because you were a big dick…er, HAD a big dick. And not because you ripped her clothes off and forced yourself on her or anything like that. Nice humblebragging from the stand there, bubba. And disingenuous, to say the least. But a total dick move from a big dick in a majorly dicky profession, and par for the course for a stockbroker. PS: And he’s in the jailhouse now. Seems that boozing, coking and raping at the office are a terrible combo, and saying “My dick is too big for any woman” doesn’t help!
20. Shaant Fucking Hacikyan. “Rape culture isn’t a thing”? Dude, you’re soaking in it. And you’re perpetuating it by making such incredibly blinkered excuses for it. STOP IT.
21. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Retweeting Alex Fucking Jones and other conspiracy wankers? Yeah, that’ll help your old man’s credibility a FUCKTON, Donnie Drumpfling!
22. John Fucking Kass. Wow. I knew that the Chicago Tribune was an insufferable right-wing rag, but a RACIST one? Guess the secret’s out now. That dogwhistling is so loud, even a completely deaf person could hear it.
23. Jimmy Fucking Marr. Ugliest truck on the road? I believe we have found it. And its ugly Nazi driver, too. Now, if only someone would take a sledgehammer to it. And a baseball bat to him.
24. Tony Fucking Clement. Looks like #9 isn’t the only one who needs to be screened for nasty un-Canadian ideas. This moron does, too!
25. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Sr. Not to be outdone by his son’s stupidity, Der Drumpf himself has decided to wank over women in the military. Which he himself could not be bothered to enlist in, onaccounta he was too busy in the Vietnam otherwise known as dating.
26. David Fucking Hall. He didn’t watch a diversity training video because of Jesus? Dude, Jesus would have squashed you like a cockroach. Thou makest Jesus vomit. If your religion makes it impossible for you to DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, get another job and leave that one to someone who’s actually qualified, capable, and willing.
27. Dave Fucking Hon. You “disagree” with the proven facts of women’s lives? And you say, with no awareness of irony, that you’ll never date a feminist, because you think they hate men (and have a whole lotta bullshit videos and dubiously sourced articles to “prove” it)? Well, I can tell you with certainty that I know one man who is destined to die a virgin. Because dude, between that attitude and that face, I don’t think they’ll be beating your door down demanding you date…well, anyone, really.
28. Matt Fucking Forney. Oh surprise! Rat Fuckey doesn’t know the difference between ACTUAL vigilante “justice” (i.e., the vile shit he’s advocating), vs. the imaginary kind (i.e., what he thinks “social justice warriors” are doing to poor widdle RapeyBoy Turner). He also can’t tell the difference between a “drunken whore” and a woman who made every effort to AVOID Bwocky before she lost consciousness and he raped her. Oh, and he can’t tell the difference between rape and mere “rudeness”, either.
29. Wolf Fucking Blitzer. Well, let’s at least give Voofy the U-Boat Captain credit for one thing: He’s willing to talk openly about at least half of the real reason the US is still so buddy-buddy with Saudi Arabia, the country that beheads more people than anyone in the world (and that includes their protégé, Daesh). It’s all about that sweet, sweet MIC money.
30. Brian Fucking Day. No, the drive to re-privatize healthcare in Canada is NOTHING like the struggle for civil and LGBT+ rights. For one thing, no fat-cat profiteers (not even you!) are getting their heads bashed in or being lynched by those trying to stop them, you fucking moron!
And finally, to Steven Fucking Blaney. Turns out that Harpo’s so-called public safety minister wasn’t all that concerned about public safety. He WAS concerned, however, about all those gun industry lobbyists getting their money’s worth out of him, apparently; so much so that he secretly loosened the restrictions on reclassification, making legal what was illegal. Suddenly, it was okay to call your assault rifle a “hunting” rifle, even though everyone knows the only thing you hunt with one of those is humans. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop (i.e., receipts) before I come right out and call this corruption, but the smell of it around the Harpocons is as unmistakable as the odor of cordite on a firing range.
Good night, and get fucked!