Wankers of the Week: The Sniveling

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about that debate. Don’t worry if you didn’t watch it, you didn’t miss much…and what you did miss, well, I’ve got the highlight reel anyway. As for the lowlights, here they are, in no particular order:

1. Steve Fucking Clevenger. Yeah, dude, your tweets were reactionary, all right. In the truest sense of the word. BTW, you might want to invest in a dictionary, so you better understand what words actually mean. You don’t seem to have even a slight grasp of the meaning of, for example, RACISM. And your nopology is full of it, too.

2. Warren Fucking Davidson. Hey, US kids! Thinking of serving your country by joining the military? You might want to reconsider. The very same rah-rah “patriots” trying to dragoon you into fighting illegal wars have absolutely no use for you if you come home in some way damaged, but not in a box. And this one thinks you’re nothing better than a moocher. Yeah, I know…he’s a fine one to talk, sucking on the taxpayer teat as he is, ain’t he?

3. Rod Fucking Liddle. Newsflash: Emma Watson has been a lot more things in her life than just the girl who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies. And she is currently much more than just a “luvvie sleb”, whatever the fuck THAT means. Matter of fact, she’s doing more useful things even just by filing her nails and sitting around in her underwear (not that that’s all she does, either) than this guy is doing every time he sits down to just type out whatever garbage is cluttering up his miserable, useless old brain, so it can clutter up the pages of a miserable, useless old rag like the UK Sun instead.

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4. Sherry Fucking Hall. Wow! Has this been a week for white women cops making shit up about black men they shot, or what? This one was from Georgia, where Jim Crow has always been lurking just behind the woodpile.

5. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. The media’s job isn’t to be fact-checkers? Then what is it? Oh yeah, that’s right…crapaganda for your crapitalist idiot boss. The sad part is, it damn near is that already.

6. Gary Fucking Johnson. Oh sure, let’s all pick up and move to another planet. Global warming problem solved! Or we could just pack all the cockamamie crapitalists and libertarians on a rocket, and shoot it into the Sun. That seems a helluva lot qucker than this million-year exodus plan of his. PS: You would think that a serious presidential candidate could name at least a handful of foreign leaders. Well, a serious presidential candidate would, anyway. PPS: And no, he is most definitely NOT a serious candidate. Not if he could pull a weird-ass stunt like this.

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7. Pauline Fucking Hanson. And speaking of picking up and moving, the worst woman in Australia told everyone who hates her anti-equality policies to do just that. Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to pack her up and ship her out? Preferably to a nice desert island, where she can have all the isolation she so obviously craves?

8. Scott Fucking Adams. Yup, it’s a two-fer for him this week. Der Drumpf’s loyal cartoonist farted out a double dose of dumbth, and it’s even more pathetic than his cartoon characters. Firstly: No, the estate tax is not a tax the rich pay for dying; it’s a tax their heirs pay for inheriting a vast amount of money, most of which they’ll never use or even miss. And secondly: If you’re gonna go the health route of attack, and specifically “drugs”, shouldn’t you first explain why YOUR candidate is sniffling so goddamn much?

9. Sun Fucking Wenqing. Yup, nothing will foster brotherly love more than a giant monument to an absurd myth about an angry, vengeful god who wiped out his own “disobedient children”, right next to a cemetery! And pay no mind to that failed theme park venture down in Kentucky, either!

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10. Jane Fucking Philpott. Remind us again of what the federal Liberals’ election campaign slogan was? “Real Change”, or something to that effect? Yet, when it really comes down to what matters to Canadians, they’re sticking to the failed formulae of their Harperite predecessors. Much change! So real! Wow!

11. Miri Fucking Regev. Storming out of a room because someone read out a poem by a rather important Palestinian? Why no, that’s not a bit childish OR spiteful! And it’s certainly NOT bigoted in the least!

12. Chris Fucking Hrnchiar. An Inuit artist of great talent dies too young, under mysterious and tragic circumstances, and what does he do? Spouts off with racist comments on the Ottawa Citizen’s coverage of the story, natch. Not the smartest move anywhere, but really REALLY dumb and inexcusable when you’re a cop whose department is supposed to be looking into the matter with impartiality.

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13. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how laughable is her contention that Der Drumpf is “friends” with his ex-wives, and that this somehow cancels out all his cheating. Also, I’m pretty sure that the whole friendliness thing is nothing more than a clause in the divorce settlement. Both of them, actually.

14. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Hey, Judgy Nincompoop, could you please stop projecting your own kinks onto others who probably don’t share them? And also, could you for once stop misinterpreting the actual results of the debate? Kthxbai.

15. Jay Fucking Schottenstein. So, a woman’s place is in a skimpy bikini, but NOT a concert in Israel? Guess what…I’m not gonna be shopping in your stores, EVER. Last thing I want to do is support apartheid and sexism with cash, however indirectly. It’s called BDS…look it up, meshuganeh.

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16. Tristan Fucking Rettke. “Protesting” a Black Lives Matter protest by wearing a gorilla mask — oh sorry, “identifying as the gorilla” — and handing out ‘nanas? How very edgy and millennial of you, sonnyboy. Whatever you’re planning to do for an encore, you can do it behind bars…that is, if your cellmate isn’t a big black biker with a bad temper.

17. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Yes, that’s right, keep heaping those insults on Alicia Machado. Pay no mind to the fact that she’s drumming up votes against your boss, who started all the trouble by insulting her weight and Latin American background. What could possibly go wrong?

18. Mike Fucking Yenni. Well, bless my soul. I do declare, isn’t it positively amazing how many of these family-values Repugs turn out not only to be flaming closet cases, but the kind of d-bags who chase after teenage boys, too?

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19. Robert Fucking Hardister. Hey! Lay off of Florida Man and his ugly tattooed mug. Don’t you know it’s hard work stealing vehicles and making lame excuses for it?

20. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Remember him? Remember how his marriage ended in infidelity and a huge public scandal? Well, he thinks he’s somehow qualified (on those very grounds, no doubt) to judge the Clintons’ marriage, which isn’t dead yet. Chutzpah: he haz it.

21. Jay Fucking Stephens. Hold up. She’s black…and voting for DRUMPF? The unqualified candidate who shits racism from every pore? And she’s doing it just to give others the finger, or something like that? Listen, lady…if you think that being a contrarian makes you any smarter than the next brainwashed idiot, you’re an even bigger one. And if you think that Black Lives Matter is an “insult” to your intelligence, you don’t have any. Because it truly takes a special kind of stupid to think that your own life doesn’t matter.

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22. Deneen Fucking Borelli. And while we’re on the subject of racism, how about this one? She thinks racist cops should be celebrated, not charged, tried, jailed, and fired for roughing up Freddie Gray and throwing him into a paddywagon so hard that it caused a fatal spinal-cord injury. And then she has the audacity to say that their lives were “ruined”? Fuck you, Deneen…fuck you VERY much.

23. Ben Fucking Froughi. Consent talk is optional? Walk out if you don’t like the message? Claiming that the simple act of obtaining enthusiastic consent is too “lengthy” a “negotiation” to bother with, and that college kids are being “infantilized” by being told how to handle it? Smells like rape culture. And you, little boy, smell like an MRA’s dirty sweatsock.

24. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Well, look who’s scared and backpedalling after being called (no doubt by somebody’s lawyer) on his blatantly xenophobic bullshit! Too bad the internet never forgets, Drumpfling.

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25. Melissa Fucking Adamson. It’s too late to claim you’re not a racist when you went ahead and used a racist slur, and everyone has seen the evidence. You ain’t the law no more, whitey.

26. Jason Fucking Christensen. Condolences: Ur doin it rong. Better to say nothing at all to the family and friends of a dead gay man than to say something homophobic and frankly fucking IDIOTIC. Didn’t your oh-so-religious parents ever teach you the golden rule? Or is rubbing people’s noses in their loss a higher religious act than being charitable and leaving the grieving in peace?

27. Martin Fucking Shkreli. And speaking of rubbing noses in loss, how about a chance to punch him in his? Would you pay for it? No, of course not. Anyone would much rather just pop him one for free. And if he wants to be charitable, why not just donate money to the family of his late PR guy outright, instead of turning a sad loss into a PR stunt to increase his own profile? That alone is worth a punch in the nose, although not a $50,000+ one.

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28. Jordan Fucking Peterson. Waaaa, how oppressive it is to make a law to respectfully acknowledge people’s preferred pronouns! So oppressive that a U of T prof had to get up for an hour in front of a camera, just to pontificate on the evils of “political correctness” and “social justice warriors”, and how he doesn’t “think” (note the quotes, there for a reason) that there is any evidence that people might not fit into the birth-certificate boxes marked M and F. Even though there is, in fact, plenty of evidence. And don’t even get him STARTED on those uppity black people and their “radical” demands for inclusion! In short, this guy wants to be the gender police, and the race police, and the law won’t let him! Someone please get this poor oppressed middle-aged white guy a tissue. Hell, get him a whole box of them. He’s in a position of privilege, power and presumed intellectual authority, so he’s entitled to that much, at least.

29. Charles Fucking Bordeleau. Meanwhile, #12’s boss has weighed in, and apparently doesn’t consider racism among police officers to be that big a deal. Or that it affects the way they do their jobs. Maybe he should start talking to some of those many indigenous people who’ve been roughed up by racist cops over the years. They could tell him differently.

30. Betty Fucking Shelby. And while we’re on the subject of racist cops and the shit they do to people, and the lame excuses they make for it — how about a DEAF excuse for murder? Yeah, that’s right, she’s now claiming she couldn’t hear right. And somehow, her sudden, disturbing bout of hearing impairment didn’t keep her from drawing and shooting. She ain’t deaf, and we ain’t dumb. No excuses!

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And finally, to our Sniveller-in-Chief…yes, Donald Fucking Drumpf himself. This week he really outdid himself. And the cokey noises he made all through the debate (which he blamed on a “defective” mike) were not even the most entertaining bit. No, that would be his overtly sexist attacks on Alícia Machado, the former Venezuelan Miss Universe, whom he once called “Miss Piggy” (for her purported weight gain not long after winning the crown) and “Miss Housekeeping” (for her Latin American ethnicity). She’s since become a US citizen, and is now campaigning for Hillary Clinton. Which has apparently set Der Drumpf off on a real tear of chauvinistic nastiness, including a midnight tweetstorm (which his aides didn’t erase fast enough, ha ha) in which he urged people to watch Ms. Machado’s alleged “sex tape”. Only problem is, that’s not her performing in it; that’s a porn star who somewhat resembles her. This tape was mislabelled by somebody no doubt hoping to make money by smearing the name of an erstwhile beauty queen; it has been known to happen. Alícia Machado, in short, is the victim of defamation by some anonymous dirtbag, which Der Drumpf of course lapped up like it was forty-year-old Scotch. And her only actual “sex tape” turns out to be a rather tame Spanish reality-show clip.

But doesn’t it just so figure that he would stoop so low as to look for wank-fodder with her in it? I’m guessing he was quite the LITERAL wanker this week. I hope Melania divorces him…and tells all before he can get her to sign yet another of those non-disclosure agreements he’s so very fond of slapping on his ex-wives.

Good night, and get fucked!

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