Wankers of the Week: By the WHAT???


Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a crappy one it is. I have a cold, and I have fifty wankers for you. And it easily could have been more, too, but who has time to read all that? Noooooobody! So, with no further ado, here they are, in no particular order:

1. Rick Fucking Scott. A hurricane has sloshed over Florida. You’d think that was a good reason for extending the voter-registration deadline, but sadly, the Possibly Dumbest Governor in the US disagrees. And he’d rather disenfranchise the poor souls who got caught in the storm, because they’re probably nothing but Dems anyhow and he heads the local pro-Drumpf PAC. Yeah, that’s not a bit corrupt! PS: And BAZINGA. Sorry, Ricky, but what you did there is not kosher. And the courts know it.

2. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Nobody’s asking Drumpf to be a Sunday-school teacher, fuckass. What they want is a candidate who’s not a yet-to-be-convicted fucking FELON. You know, somebody who doesn’t just grab women at random and rape them? Somehow, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

3. Kevin Fucking Pagan. Throwing a beer can at a player during a major-league ballgame? Yup, that’s a wank. But what makes it truly delicious is that he works for a right-wing crapaganda media chain, too. Ha, ha.


4. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the Double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb and blinkered she is to go on blindly supporting Der Drumpf in the face of all the evidence that she really, REALLY shouldn’t. PS: And also, the Fifty Shades of Gross books are NOT what’s at fault here. They’re a symptom, not the disease. The disease is SEXISM, you moron. And what’s more, those books (published in 2011-12) became a thing well AFTER Drumpf’s yucky little chat (2005) with Billy Bush on the bus.

5. Theodore Fucking Beale. Why am I not surprised that the worst damn fantasy writer in the history of ever thinks that Der Drumpf’s vulgarity and gross misogyny are just “alpha talk about women”? Because Teddy Boy is a fucking fascist, and one literally can’t put anything beneath them, that’s why. And if one does, one will soon find them gnawing through it and scraping ever onwards en route to China!

6. Susan Fucking Hutchison. Oh, so Der Drumpf’s vulgarities get a free pass from some Repug women because he made them while still (ostensibly) voting for Democrats? Yeah, that makes it all somehow acceptable. Except that his way of thinking of women hasn’t changed a bit since then, and has only gotten worse. And it applies to all women, regardless of party affiliation, too.


7. Corey Fucking Stewart. Same link, same shit, different outhouse. And as a matter of fact, women DO care about whether a guy is acting like a total frat douche, stupid. Wait till a month from now, and you’ll see exactly how much they care.

8. Bryan Fucking Christopher Fucking Sawyer. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how appalling his racism is. And the fact that he’s no doubt been emboldened to show it by the Rise of Drumpf. And the way this all proves that looks most definitely aren’t everything.

9. James Fucking Wiedmann. Newsflash: “Fame Game” is not a thing. Because being famous alone won’t guarantee that anyone you meet will find you attractive, much less let you do whatever you want to them. Also, vulvae are not “gashes”. But dang, you sure are sounding bitter of late. Probably because, like your hero Drumpf, you are utterly repulsive to women.


10. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Why no, the Drumpf video scandal will not whip up enthusiasm FOR Drumpf. What it will do, is whip up a firestorm of enthusiasm AGAINST him.

11. Alyse Fucking Nicole Fucking Merritt. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to claim that the “Hand of God” protected Florida from Hurricane Matthew when, in fact, the hurricane caused at least six deaths in that state alone, and over 800 more in Haiti. Does your God have something against Haitians, you stooper-stitious twatwaffle?

12. Sean Fucking Hannity. Oh, so Drumpf’s constant game of grab-ass (or grab-CROTCH, rather) is okay because of King David and his harem? Interesting, all the terrible things religion and biblical hoo-ha can just magically turn into no biggie.


13. Richard Fucking Arrowsmith. He’s a pedophile, has a huge stash of vile photos of abused children, has been ordered never to work with kids…and he wants to take time out from jail so he and his poor deluded wife can start a FAMILY? Uh, how about NO?

14. Nigel Fucking Farage. So, bragging about sexual assault is just “something men do”? Waiting for the Not All Men contingent to chime in…any minute now…(crickets) PS: Oh surprise. It’s not his first trip to the rodeo clown show.

15. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Oh sure, a threat to jail one’s opponent is “just a quip”. Not at all dictatorial!


16. Alex Fucking Jones. If Hillary Clinton were really demon-possessed (not that there really is such a thing, but supposing there was), why would she have ANY “people around her” left? Wouldn’t they all have fled screaming for the hills, rather than feed the Most Gullible Conspiracy Kook in the World all this sooooooper-seekwit “insider information”?

17. Pat Fucking Robertson. And while we’re on the subject of demon possession, look at all the satanic shit falling out of Patwa’s mouth. Bragging of committing sexual assault is just “macho” talk? Seriously? Don’t make me dredge up all the machismo you committed in Korea, Paddy-poo.

18. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Speaking of Korea, now I know where the Daily Stormer got his lessons in the rhetoric of crapaganda. He sounds like some poor northern schmo singing the praises of Kim Il Sung. Only there are no televised mass dance shows and military parades for him to talk over. Just the sound of crickets…and that creepy, cokey sniffing noise Drumpf makes whenever he’s “debating”.


19. Vicki Fucking Sciolaro. “God used harlots”? Uh, Der Drumpf isn’t God, much less an instrument thereof, and frankly, that is a really sad comparison to make. Not to mention a terrible insult to harlots.

20. Scott Fucking Adams. Creeping, looming, threatening, and stalking are “persuasion moves”, now? Well, maybe in Drumpfolandia (or the Looking-Glass world of PUAs and Red Pillocks), but out here in the real world, they’re the kind of shit a lot of guys can and do get arrested for. Or should, if any real justice prevailed.

21. Scott Fucking Baio. Oh, so Der Drumpf’s dirty talk about women is just what ALL guys do? How very inconvenient for the Not All Men (crickets) contingent now, eh? Oh, and “grow up” about THAT? Seems like someone’s got some growing up to do, and it’s not women. It’s all these potty-mouthed, gutter-brained men. And just think, you guys…Chachi there has a wife. And he has to go home at night, and presumably kisses her. With THAT mouth. Ewwwww.


22. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. “Selective outrage”? You’re soaking in it, hon. Better pull your hand out if you don’t want it to be eaten down to the bone.

23. Mark Fucking Burnett. Covering Der Drumpf’s butt by punishing leakers who might reveal even worse things about him? That makes me think that this guy, his former producer on that stupid reality show, is just another perv of a feather. After all, these old boys flock together…

24. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Grabbing a woman by the crotch isn’t sexual assault? Well, then, what exactly IS it? Because I know precisely ZERO women who were ever seduced by that method. As to “how it could happen”, it seems to happen often enough. And quite often, in the case of Der Drumpf, because it seems to be a regular go-to move of his. PS: Nice nopology there, Jeffy. Totally reeks of Legitimate Rape. Care to try again? PPS: Sheer tragicomedy gold.


25. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Oh lordy, Bullet Necklace is still babbling? And still making excuses for her boss? And blaming RAP MUSIC for what he did on his own, and has been doing since before rap was even a thing? Well, one can’t deny she’s loyal to him…but really, Katrina? Throwing your sisters under the bus is not a good look. Many are already leaving the party in droves. And with the election now less than a month away, freefall is not where you want to be. PS: Also, your airplane seat claim is false. Ha, ha.

26. Brian Fucking Burston. Meanwhile, Down Under, we have another Drumpfite shitshow already in progress. And it wants its own whole entire TV crapaganda network, too. Because of that imaginary boogyman, Cultural Marxism. How about NO?

27. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. And back to Drumpfolandia, this time with MOAR shitshow! While Big Brother Alec is skewering Drumpf on SNL, Little Brother Stevie is kissing his ass and saying he’s just a fun-loving guy. Yeah, I’m sure it’s all fun and games for HIM. But there’s a reason all the women are screaming and fleeing the Repug party, dude. And it’s not the soggy canapés, either.


28. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Newsflash, dumbass: There’s no such thing as an “alpha personality”. There are only assholes and non-assholes, and bragging about sexual assault is what happens when two assholes come together on a bus. But hey! Isn’t it nice to see that this douche didn’t fall far from the old man’s bag? PS: Ha, ha!

29. Ruth Bader Fucking Ginsburg. Yes, you read that correctly, the Notorious RBG is listed here this week. And it truly pains me to list her, too, but what she said about the “arrogance” and “stupidity” of the legitimate protests of Colin Kaepernick and others just leaves me no choice. Get it through your head, lady: There is NOTHING stupid OR arrogant about protesting racism. It’s only PROTECTING it that’s stupid and arrogant. And you’re doing the latter, whether you realize it or not.

30. Trent Fucking Franks. Newsflash: The culture of the west was “coarse” long before the “left” liberalized abortion, you fucking old nincompoop. Who do you think was causing all those women to scour the back streets for someone to end their unwanted pregnancies by any means possible, even if it spelled their death? I’ll tell you who. It was the old men in charge of the shitshow, who had no problem with rape as long as the victim hid in shame, and was forced to have a rapist’s baby even if it killed her. Men, in short, like YOU.


31 and 32. Jill Fucking Duggar and Derick Fucking Dillard. Hey, Quiverfull-o-stoopids: Instead of ministering to the “spiritually dead” in Central America, how about addressing that massive fucking spiritual deadness at the centre of yourselves? Because I’m pretty sure that anyone who’s really alive between the ears wouldn’t be eagerly looking forward to the fictional “End of Days”, much less assuming that they are going to be among the “saved” just because they’re reproducing willy-nilly and slut-shaming their own sisters while excusing their abusive brothers.

33. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. So, Drumpf’s sexual-assault bragging is not a problem, because “women should not be in authority over men”? Well, fuck that. If us being in authority over you guys means no more crotch-grabbing or pastors getting political at my expense, I’m quite all right with it…no matter what your book of bad fiction says to the contrary!

34. Paul Fucking LePage. No, the US constitution isn’t “broken”. And quite frankly, a “show of authoritarian power” is the LAST thing the country needs. It’s already wallowing in it on multiple levels. And one of them is the governor’s mansion in Maine.


35. Blake Fucking Farenthold. Jesus H. Christ. “You don’t know the whole context”? What “whole context” could there be to a presidential candidate bragging that he likes to sexually assault women? Other than that he really, REALLY likes to sexually assault women? And that he’s done so, repeatedly, for years?

36. Tomi Fucking Lahren. So, if something bugs you, don’t listen? Great idea: I’m not listening to YOU, who have nothing of value to say anyway. But I do wonder how you could go on supporting Drumpf, knowing that he’s likely to grab YOU between the legs if he ever gets the chance.

37. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Liar, liar, pants on…how does that rhyme go? Don’t ask Rudy, he’s apparently gone senile. He can’t remember Hillary Clinton being there on 9-11 even when she was right beside him.


38. Jon Fucking Girodes. How to get Harlem rallying for Drumpf? Feed ‘em full of racist stereotypes and expect gratitude for it. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

39. Michele Fucking Bachmann. How to get evangelical women rallying for Drumpf? Feed ‘em full of bullshit about Hillary somehow being even more dangerous than Ol’ Gropey, because Jeebus. Yeah, that’ll work!

40. Brad Fucking Blakeman. How to get white people rallying for Drumpf? Tell ‘em that the black folks are racist agin ‘em! And never mind that there is literally no such thing as “racism against white people”! And no, “redneck” isn’t a racist term…much less when white people from poor backgrounds knowingly adopt it for themselves.


41. Ben Fucking Carson. You’ve heard “locker room talk” before? Bravo. So has this NFLer, who thinks that the “locker room” excuse is bullshit. Also, it wasn’t a locker room, it was a BUS. And it was on a TV SHOW.

42. John Fucking Stumpf. What to do when the questioning of your conduct gets too hot? Resign…and probably take a nice golden parachute along for the ride, too.

43. Todd Fucking Warnken. O Florida Man, where art thou? New York Man is eating your lunch…or threatening to beat your ass if you don’t like the idea of Drumpf “winning”. (Note the quotes, there fore a reason…)


44. Jerry Fucking Falwell, Jr. Oh crap, there’s a JUNIOR? Yes, there is. And he plans on voting for the serial adulterer and overt pervert, too. With the whole Schmier about “not electing a pope”, yet. Whited sepulchres, line up!

45. Monica Fucking Crowley. No, all these sexual assault allegations are NOT a “co-ordinated attack” on Drumpf. What they are, is evidence that his MO, as mentioned in the Access Hollywood tape, is a frequent go-to. Numerous woman have now come forward to say that the poppings of Tic-Tacs, unwanted kisses, and out-of-the-blue grabs are things he actually DOES.

46. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Is anyone surprised that Billo, he of the shower-sex fantasies concerning his own producer, would dismiss the whole Drumpf assault scandal as just “crude guy talk”? No? Oh goody.


47. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Not surprisingly, the Pigman has a problem with the whole idea of rape having anything to do with consent. Probably because if he had to seek it himself, he’d never get his wick wet. And now we know why he’s had three failed marriages, and his fourth is just a matter of time. PS: That “rape police” he’s on about? We just call them the police, period. Because that’s who you should be able to call when there’s been an assault, y’know?

48. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yeah, sure, it’s a smear campaign. And sure, it’s “human” and “normal” for a man to harass and assault women, and even brag about it. Not headline news at all…unless the harasser is a politician who keeps claiming that foreigners are the real rapists! PS: And fuck this noise, too. DECENT MEN DON’T HARASS, DONNIE!

49. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh goody, he’s still alive. I was getting worried about him. (Not really. But it would hardly be a wankapedia without his gross-ass beard hairs clogging the drain, eh?)

50. Doug Fucking Ford. He’s a Drumpfite? NO! I never would have guessed. One more reason to bury Frod Nation along with his brother, in case we needed one. And we don’t, but there it is.


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumf himself. Holy fucking shit is this guy an evil, ugly motherfucker. Where to even start? Between all the crotch-grabbing and unwanted kissing, all the Tic-Tac abuse, all the dressing-room barge-ins, all the upskirting, and all the perving on little girls (for fucksakes!), why is this piece of Cheeto-dusted shit even still being allowed to run?

And more to the point, why are there still ANY people supporting him? This is, after all, the same crowd that would bar trans women from using the ladies’ room for fear of “men” (note the quotes, there for a reason) being able to barge in on women in the bathrooms of the nation. Would they be all right with him barging in on them or their wives and daughters in the dressing rooms of, say, a Miss World or Miss Universe pageant? No? Then why are they intimidating campaigners from the other side with open-carry guns? Pretty sure that’s illegal, you fucking morons. And I cannot wait to see him lose…less than one full menstrual cycle (or “blood coming out of her whatever”) to go now. It can’t come any too soon…and oh gawd, I just pray it doesn’t get as ugly as it could.

Good night, and get fucked!

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